The Queen's Confession Part 8

So dear kind Louis agreed to come, and late in the evening, our dominoes wrapped around us, our masks disguising our faces, we set out along the road to Paris.

It was one of the most thrilling evenings I had so far known. There was an excitement in Paris which caught at me and enveloped me. I had wasted three whole years with this delightful city only an hour or so's ride away and I had never seen it until this night. Artois - I was seated between him and my husband - pointed out the Invalides, the Bastille, the Hotel de Ville, the Tuileries, and towering Notre Dame. I was aware of the people in the streets, for Paris never seemed to sleep. I saw the bridges and the gleaming river, but it was typical of me that what made most impression on me that night was the Opera House.

I shall never forget the excitement - the crowds of people, the music, the dancing. How happy I was! I forgot everything in the joy of dancing; and here the dancers were more abandoned. Several sought to partner me, but my husband would not allow that and I was surprised by his quiet dignity, which even in his disguise was apparent.

So I danced with him and Artois and some of the members of our little band of adventurers who, on Louis' orders, kept a close guard on me.

The Opera House - it is so clear in my memory now - its great chandeliers, the light from thousands of candles, the smell of pomade, and the faint haze of powder in the air. It spells romance to me because of one whom in the not very distant future I was to meet there. I should always feel that the Paris Opera House has a very special place in my most tender memories.

On that night, by great good luck which we did not deserve, nothing unfortunate happened. We had danced well into the night and dawn was breaking when we came back along the road to Versailles.

Next morning we were all at Ma.s.s, bright-eyed and innocent, as though we were quite incapable of indulging in such a reckless adventure.

Artois and I congratulated ourselves on having made a gesture of defiance at Etiquette.

The day for the formal entry into Paris arrived and, having seen the city by night with all its fascinating contrasts, its magnificent buildings and that air of gaiety which was all its own, I was longing to be there.

Paris! The city that loved me in the beginning and then wearied of me and rejected and hated me. It looked rather like a great ship, with Notre Dame as its stem and its prow the old Pont Neuf raised on the Islet of Cow-Ferryman.

It was a perfect day. There were blue skies and sunshine. All along the road from Versailles to Paris, the people stood waiting for us to pa.s.s. When they saw me, they shouted a greeting. My husband beside me drew back so that everyone could see me.

"They are shouting for us," I said to him. "They like us."

"No," he answered, "they are shouting for you."

I was delighted, for nothing pleased me more than admiration. I responded to it; I sat there smiling and inclining my head and they called out that I was as pretty as a picture.

"Long live our Dauphine," they said.

Provence and Marie Josephe looked sour, unable to hide their jealousy; and I smiled more dazzlingly and aroused more cheers.

As we approached the city I could scarcely sit still, so excited was I. I saw a ma.s.s of faces; flowers were flung at my carriage; flags were waved and there were loyal greetings everywhere.

At the gates of the city the Marechal de Brissac, who was Governor of the City, was waiting for me with a silver plate on which lay the keys of the city, and amid the roars of approval he handed these to me. Then from the Invalides the guns boomed out, followed by those of the Hotel de Ville and the Bastille.

Oh, what a wonderful sight! All those people gathered to welcome me to their city.

I heard their comments. "Oh, is she not lovely! What a little beauty! As dainty as a fairy!"

Dear people! How I loved them! In a transport of emotion I kissed my hands to them and they responded joyfully.

All the women from the markets wearing their best clothes of black silk had a.s.sembled to greet me, and they called out to me that they were pleased to see me in the city. I was struck by the proprietorial air of all these people. This was their city, not the King's. If the King had no love for Paris - well, Paris could do without him. Paris belonged to the merchants, the market women, the tradesmen, the apprentices. That was the message I received that day. It was theirs and they welcomed me to it because I was young and pretty and had shown that I wanted them to like me. I was in love with Paris, so Paris was in love with me.

What a procession! We were escorted by the King's own bodyguards and behind our coach were three others containing our attendants.

When the keys had been presented to me, we drove into the city to Notre Dame, where we attended Ma.s.s, and after that we made our way to the college of Louis le Grand, where at Sainte Genevieve the Abbot and his Chapter were waiting for us.

Having listened to his greetings, we pa.s.sed on; under the triumphal arches we went through Paris so that all those who had a.s.sembled might have a glimpse of me.

It was one of the most thrilling experiences of my life. I was really happy. I had the glorious feeling that everything was coming right. And at last we came to the Tuileries, where we were to dine, and the crowd in the garden was bigger than anything I had ever known.

No sooner were we inside than the people began to shout for us.

Monsieur de Brissac said: "They will not be content unless you show yourselves."

"Then," I replied, "we will do so, for I could not disappoint the people of Paris."

So we went onto the balcony and when they saw me there, the people in the gardens began to cheer me and call long life to me; and I stood there smiling and bowing and was very happy.

"But she is adorable," they cried. "She is lovely. May G.o.d bless our enchanting little Dauphine."

I was so happy. I had suffered so much criticism from my mother and Mercy that I yearned for approval; and here it was in larger doses than I had ever known before.

"Oh, the dear, dear people!" I cried. "How I love them. Mon Dieu, what crowds! How many of them there are!"

Monsieur de Brissac, standing beside me, smiled and then, bowing, he said: "Madame, I hope Monsieur le Dauphin will not be offended, but down there are two hundred thousand people who have fallen in love with you."

And that was the most delightful thing, I a.s.sured him, that had ever happened to me.

Paris had taken me to its heart and I had taken Paris to mine.

I returned to Versailles as in a dream. I could still hear the applause and the compliments.

The King came to hear how I had fared and I was afraid that if I told him how I had been received, he would feel sad because I understood something of the meaning of that almost frenzied greeting. Those people who had shouted for me and for my husband would not shout for the King. They were waiting for him to die because they hated him; Louis the once Well-Beloved was now Louis the Hated. How sad for him, but he did not seem to mind.

He took my hands and kissed them. "I hear you were a triumph," he said.

"Your Majesty is pleased?"

"I should have disowned them if they had not had the good taste to adore you."

Oh, these French! How well they hid their cold cynicism beneath their flowery words!

In a mood of triumph I sat down and wrote to my mother: "Dearest mother, it is impossible to describe the delight and affection which the people showed us ... How lucky we are to win the friendship of the people so easily. But I know this friendship is very precious. I am deeply conscious of this and it is something I shall never forget."

I enjoyed writing that letter to my mother. Now she would know that I was not failing, as she sometimes seemed to suggest. Mercy might disapprove of much that I did, but the people of Paris had taken one look at me and given no uncertain sign of their approval.

How happy I was as I lay in bed that night! My husband lay beside me, fast asleep. The ceremonies had tired him while they had exhilarated me.

The days of boredom were at an end. Paris had shown me a new way of life and I could hardly wait to begin it.

CHAPTER 6.

Sa figure et son air convenaient parfaitement a un heros de roman, mais non pas d'un roman francais.

-Duc de Levis on Axel de Fersen "Madame la Dauphine talked to me for a long time without my recognizing her. At last when she made herself known, everyone crowded about her and she withdrew to her box. At three o'clock I left the ball."

-From the Journal of Axel de Fersen The Attractive Stranger A FEW MONTHS AFTER MY ENTRY into Paris, Artois was married. His bride was the sister of Marie Josephe. Their father, Victor Amedee, the King of Sardinia, had naturally wanted the Dauphin for one of his daughters, so the sisters resented me.

The new bride, Marie Therese, was even uglier than her sister. Her only remarkable feature was her nose and that was because of its length; her mouth was enormous, her eyes small, and she squinted slightly. She was very small and quite lacking in grace. The King showed clearly that he found her repulsive; as for Artois, he did not express disappointment but behaved as though the matter were of little importance. Marie Therese seemed to want to hide herself and he was pleased to indulge her in this. He had a mistress already - a very beautiful woman, much older than himself, named Rosalie Duthe, a lady who had served the Duc de Chartres in the same capacity as she now served Artois.

Everyone was amused by Artois' att.i.tude and no one was very sorry for the poor little bride. All their sympathy was for Artois because he was unlucky enough to have such a wife. The comment in Versailles was characteristic: "Having got indigestion through gateau de Savoie, the Prince had gone to take Duthe in Paris."

I was one of the few people who was sorry for Marie Therese and I did all I could to be her friend, but she was very disagreeable and curt with me.

However, I was enjoying myself as I had not done since I had come to France, so I did not need the friendship of my sisters-in-law. The Princesse de Lamballe had become my close friend and we chattered together as I used to with Caroline. In fact for the first time I believed I had replaced my sister.

When the snow came, I could really imagine I was back in Vienna and one day I found an old sleigh in the stables at Versailles and, as the Princesse was with me, I told her what fun we used to have in Vienna and how Joseph had had the snow brought down from the mountains when there was none below just because he loved to ride in a sleigh.

"And why should we not?" I cried. "I see no reason why not. Here is the sleigh and there is the snow."

So I ordered the grooms to prepare the sleigh and have the horses harnessed to it and the Princesse and I rode out.

We went to Paris - always Paris; and what fun it was being drawn along the road and finally reaching the Bois de Boulogne. It was bitterly cold, but we were wrapped up in furs and it was glorious to feel our faces glowing.

"This is just like Vienna," I cried. "And you remind me of my dearest sister Caroline."

But it was not really like Vienna, where there were many sleighs and this was the only way in which one could travel. Ours was the only sleigh in the Bois and we were not traveling; we were playing a game. The people came out to watch us and they seemed very different from those who had welcomed me into their city in the summer. These had pinched blue faces; they stood and shivered and the contrast between them in their inadequate rags and us in our furs was painful. I was aware of this, but I tried not to see it because it spoiled the fun.

Mercy came to my apartments looking stern.

"Your new pastime does not please the people of Paris," he told me.

"But why not?"

"It is not a pleasure which is indulged in here."

"Oh," I grumbled. "Etiquette again."

But it was more than Etiquette; and I was not sorry to give it up.

That was an end to our sleigh rides.

The tension in the family circle which had increased since the arrival of Artois' wife was steadily rising. The two sisters were joined in their dislike of me; and my brothers-in-law by their ambition. Of the two brothers Provence was by far the more ambitious. Marie Josephe had shown no signs of becoming pregnant and it was being said that he suffered the same disability as the Dauphin.

Mercy had warned me of my elder brother-in-law's "little polite trickeries," but, as he was continually warning me, I paid little heed. Now even I, bent as I was on ignoring unpleasantness and finding new amus.e.m.e.nts, could not be unaware of the growing tension between the brothers.

"Provence is ambitious and strives in every way to be the dominant member of the household," Mercy said. "I am writing to the Empress to tell her this. I have rarely seen one so young so ambitious."

This ambition was working up to a hatred against my husband. The six of us were often together. Etiquette demanded that we should be. Once, we were in Provence's apartments and my husband was standing by the fireplace and on the mantelpiece was a beautiful china vase, for Provence collected fine china things. My husband had always been fascinated by this particular piece, and I used to watch him and laughingly ask him if he was thinking of giving up bricks and locks for china.

He gravely answered that it might be an interesting study.

As Louis' hands were not made to handle delicate objects, Provence was very concerned for the safety of his vase.

I watched him watching Louis and laughingly called attention to his anxiety. Provence was not amused; he stood, his hands behind his back to hide the fact that he was clenching them in fury.

Then ... it happened. The vase crashed to the floor and was broken into several pieces. Only then did I realize Provence's hatred for the Dauphin. He sprang at him. Louis, taken by surprise, went crashing to the floor. He was heavy and I called out in alarm as he fell, but Provence was on him; he had his hands at my husband's throat. Then Louis had broken free, and they were rolling on the floor, both behaving as though they would kill each other. The sisters stood apart watching; but I could not remain aloof, I ran to them and, pulling at my husband's coat, shouted to them to stop.

When he saw that I was in danger, my husband cried: "Be careful! Antoinette will be hurt!" My hands were bleeding from a scratch I had received in the scrimmage and the sight of that blood sobered them both.

"You are hurt," said my husband, lumbering to his feet.

"It is nothing, but I beg of you do not be so foolish again."

They were both rather sheepish, ashamed to have given way to their tempers over such a matter. My husband apologized for his clumsiness and Provence for his display of temper. But their wives whispered together and they implied that I had been only eager to draw attention to myself by pretending to be so concerned and rushing in and getting scratched.

How difficult it was to be friendly with these girls! But I was friendly by nature and I could not believe that they really disliked me, so I tried to think of a way of making them happy. After all, I reasoned with the Princesse de Lamballe, it was small wonder they were so disagreeable. How should we feel if we looked as they did? Poor ugly little creatures.

It did not make life easier because the King so obviously showed his preference for me. When my sisters-in-law knew that he visited me for breakfast and actually made the coffee, they were furious! Marie Josephe did not show it, for she was sly, but her young sister could not disguise her feelings. The aunts were always trying to stir trouble between us, but I refused to listen; although I'm sure my sisters-in-law did.

The King knew that I loved the theater and he had said that on every Tuesday and Friday comedies should be performed. I was delighted and I was always there to applaud the actors. But what I longed to do was play on a stage and I conceived the idea that we should do a play among ourselves.

"It would be forbidden if it were discovered," said Provence.

"Then," I retorted, "it must not be discovered."

It was an excellent idea because when we were learning our lines and planning the scenery my sisters-in-law forgot to hate me. And I was so happy to be acting that I forgot everything else.

I discovered some one-act plays; and sometimes we were ambitious enough to try Moliere. I shall always remember playing Cathos from Les Precieuses Ridicules. How I would prance across the stage, throwing myself into the part. I loved everyone when I was on a stage. This brought out the best in my brother-in-law Provence, who could learn his lines with the utmost ease and had a real gift for playing comedy. I would throw my arms about his neck and cry: "But you are marvelous! You play the part to the life." He would be pleased - so different from the grim young man who bore a grudge against fate, which had not made him a Dauphin. Artois of course loved to act, and even my sisters-in-law enjoyed playing. They had such quaint French accents that we were often in fits of laughter, in which even they joined.

Sometimes we allowed the young Princesses Clothilde and Elisabeth to play. I pleaded that they should be allowed to because I remembered how I had been kept out because I was too young. They loved it, of course; and I grew very fond of little Elisabeth and Clothilde too until her governess turned her against me. She was a good-natured girl - a trifle lazy, but then she was so fat. The King, with his penchant for nicknames, had already dubbed her Fat Lady. She did not mind. She was wonderfully good-tempered and would take the most unrewarding parts with a smile.

This was all the more fun because we had to set out our own stage, which we made with screens; and the approach of anyone not in the secret meant that these had to be bundled into a cupboard hastily and we would all have to try to look as if our costumes were what we would naturally wear and arrange ourselves as though we were merely chatting idly.

My husband was in the secret, of course, but he would take no part in the play-acting, so he was the audience.

"A very necessary part," I pointed out, "because a play needs an audience."

So he would sit there smiling and applauding and more often than not falling asleep. But I did notice that when I was to the fore, he was almost always awake.

So enthusiastic did we become over our amateur theatricals that I called in Monsieur Campan, who was my secretary and librarian, and whose services and discretion I valued, and asked him to help us find the exact costumes we would need for our parts. He was very good at this and so was his son, who joined us.

The fun continued and everyone noticed how intimate the six of us had become; we even took our meals together.

Amateur theatricals was merely one way of pa.s.sing the time. I was constantly arranging that we should go into the city and it was usually to the opera ball. I insisted that we all go, although my sisters-in-law were not good dancers and were far from eager. The Parisians never cheered them as they did me. They seemed to have forgotten my one lapse into what was considered bad taste - riding through the Bois de Boulogne in my sleigh - and had taken me to their hearts once more. It did not occur to me that the people could love their Dauphine one day and could hate her the next. I knew nothing of the people and, although I made many many journeys to the city, I knew little of Paris ... the real city.

I learned a little of it later and wished I had been more perceptive, for the Paris of that day was to change heartbreakingly in little more than a decade and nothing surely could ever be quite the same again.

What a city of contrasts it was - although at that time I was quite blind to this! The elegant Dauphine Square - and those winding streets such as the Rue de la Juiverie, Rue aux Feves, and the Rue des Marmousets in which thieves and prost.i.tutes of the lowest kind lived side by side with the famous Paris dyers whose tubs were set out on the cobbles. Sometimes I would see the red, blue, and green streams running out of these narrow alleys as we pa.s.sed. I was told they were from the dyers and was content to leave it at that never bothering to learn more of their fascinating trade.