The Queen's Confession Part 3

He was smiling as he left.

I then received a long lecture from Madame de Noailles as to how I should conduct myself in the presence of the King of France; but I was not listening. I was thinking that if they had married me to him as they had once thought of doing - I should have been far less apprehensive than I was when I remembered that the next day was my wedding day.

At the intimate supper I saw all my new relations. Wearing the pearl necklace which the King had placed round my neck, I sat next to the Dauphin, who said nothing to me and did not look my way; but his brother Artois smiled at me and whispered that I looked very pretty.

I was immediately aware of the tense atmosphere, and my attention was caught by a young woman who was seated at the table talking rather more loudly than the rest. I had not been introduced to her and, as this was a family party, I could not imagine who she was. She was very beautiful - the most beautiful woman at the table. Her hair was fair, very thick and curling; her complexion was one of the loveliest I had ever seen; her blue eyes were enormous, being slightly prominent; and she lisped slightly, which made a contrast to her bold looks. She was magnificently dressed and glittered with jewels; in fact she wore more jewels than anyone present. One could not help watching her, and even the King, at the head of the table, kept glancing her way; he seemed very pleased to see her there and once or twice I saw them exchange a look and a smile, which made me feel they were very great friends indeed. But, I wondered, if the King was so fond of her, why is she not wanted here? The aunts were whispering together and when she was not observed, I noticed Adelaide throw a glance in the woman's direction which could only be described as venomous. Every now and then the King would turn to me and address me and when I answered in my quaint French he would smile, and so would everyone else. He said my French was charming; and so everyone was saying it. I felt it was a successful evening and I could not imagine why Mercy had been so anxious.

At last my curiosity was too much to be borne and I said to the lady who was seated next to me: "Who is the pretty lady with the blue eyes and the lisp?"

There was a brief silence, as though I had said something embarra.s.sing. Had Madame de Noailles been there I should have known how much so by her expression.

I waited for the answer, which seemed a long time in coming, and then: "She is Madame du Barry, Madame La Dauphine."

"Madame du Barry! She has not been presented to me."

Everyone seemed to be studying their plates and some were trying not to smile.

Then someone said: "Madame ... what do you think of her?"

"She is charming. What are her functions at Court?"

Again that pause, that slight heightening of color in one or two faces, the tendency to smile. "Oh, Madame, it is her function to amuse the King."

"To amuse the King!" I smiled at him across the table. "Then I want to be her rival."

What had I said? I had merely made a loyal statement. Why was it received in such a manner? I saw the mingling of horror and amus.e.m.e.nt.

We left La Muette the following morning and in due course arrived at the Palace of Versailles. I sat bolt upright in my carriage, for my companion was the Comtesse de Noailles and during the journey I had to hear another lecture. My behavior had disturbed her; I would have to learn that the Court of France was very different from that of Austria. I must never forget that my grandfather was the King of France and, although etiquette might forbid even him to show his displeasure, it could nevertheless be there. I half-listened and all the time I was wondering what my wedding dress would be like and whether the Dauphin was disappointed in me; and I thought fleetingly of my sister Caroline, who would be praying for me on this day - and crying for me too.

At last we came to Versailles.

It was an impressive moment. I had heard the name throughout my childhood spoken in hushed tones. "This is how it is done at Versailles." That meant it was absolutely right. Versailles was the talk and envy of every Court in Europe.

At the gates of the palace, vendors of swords and hats were gathered. I have heard it said since that Versailles was a great theater where the play of Royalty at Home was presented. There was a great deal of truth in this, for anyone could come to the Salon d'Hercules except dogs, mendicant friars and those newly marked with the smallpox - providing they had a hat and sword. It was amusing to see those who had never carried a sword before they took one of those for hire at the gates, swaggering into the chateau. Even prost.i.tutes were allowed in, providing they did not ply their trade there or seek clients. But in order to enter the more intimate apartments it was necessary to have been presented at Court. There was, naturally, very little privacy at Versailles. In our Court at Vienna, where everything was conducted in a far simpler manner, I had been accustomed to a certain amount of supervision; but here I was to be on show for most of my day.

The palace gates opened to let us in and we drove through the line of Guards - Swiss and French - standing there to do me special honor. I had a strange feeling of excitement mingling with apprehension. I was not given to introspection, but in those moments I had an uneasy notion that I was being carried on to fulfill a strange destiny which, had I wanted to, I could do nothing to avert.

In the royal courtyard the equipages of the princes and n.o.bles were already drawn up. I exclaimed in delight at the horses with their red plumes and blue c.o.c.kades, for I loved horses almost as much as I loved dogs; they pranced excitedly and they looked very fine, their dancing manes plaited with colored ribbons.

Before us lay the chateau, the sun shining on its countless windows so that it seemed aglitter with diamonds - a vast world of its own. And so I entered the Palace of Versailles, which was to be my home for so many years - in fact until those dark days when I was driven from it.

On my arrival I was taken to a temporary apartment in the ground floor because those apartments usually a.s.signed to the Queens of France were not ready. When I think of Versailles now I remember in detail the rooms I was to occupy after those first six months - those beautiful rooms on the first floor which open out of the Galerie des Glaces. My bedchamber had been used by Marie Therese, wife of Louis XIV, and Marie Leszczyska, wife of Louis XV; and from the windows I looked out on the lake - Piece d'Eau des Swisses - and the parterre with the two staircases which were called Les Escaliers des Cent Marches, leading to the orangery, which contained twelve hundred orange trees.

But on that first occasion I was taken to my ground-floor apartment and there ready for me were those grim ladies-in-waiting with my wedding dress. I gasped with pleasure and my gloomy thoughts were all chased away by the sight of it. I had never before seen such a lovely dress and I was enchanted by its panniers of white brocade.

As soon as I reached my apartment the King came to welcome me to Versailles. What charming manners he had! And with him were two little girls; my sisters-in-law, Clothilde and Elisabeth. Clothilde, the elder, was about eleven, inclined to be too plump but very friendly; as for little Elisabeth, I found her delightful; I kissed her and said we should be friends. The King was pleased and whispered to me that the more he saw me the more he fell under my spell. Then he and the little girls left and the ladies-in-waiting fell on me and prepared me for my wedding.

It was one o'clock in the afternoon when the Dauphin came to lead me to the chapel. It was very hot and although he sparkled in gold-spangled net, the brilliance of his clothes only made him look more dour. He did not glance at me as he took my hand and led me into the King's Council Chamber, where the procession was forming. I remember noticing the red marble mantelpiece and the smell of pomade; there was a haze of powder in the air from freshly powdered wigs and a frou-frou of silks and brocades as the ladies in their voluminous and elaborate skirts moved across the floor.

The Grand Master of the Ceremonies led the procession, followed by the Dauphin and myself, he holding my hand; his was warm, clammy, and, I knew, reluctant. I tried to smile at him, but he avoided my glance and immediately behind me walked Madame de Noailles, so I could not whisper to him. Behind her came the Princes of the Blood Royal with their attendants, followed by my young brothers-in-law and the King; and after them the little Princesses, whom I had met for the first time that day, with the aunts and other Princesses of the Court.

Through the Galerie des Glaces and the Grand Apartments we went to the chapel, where the Swiss Guards were lined up, and as the King entered they blew their fifes and beat their drums to herald his arrival. It did not seem like our chapel at home because it was elegantly decorated. I was sure my mother would have thought the decor irreverent, for, though the white and gold were lovely, the angels looked more voluptuous than holy.

The Dauphin and I knelt on the red velvet edged with gold fringe and the Grand Almoner of France, Monseigneur de la Roche-Aymon, came forward to perform the ceremony.

My bridegroom appeared to be growing more and more bored; he fumbled as he put the ring on my finger and I thought he was going to drop the pieces of gold, blessed by the Grand Almoner, which he presented to me as part of the ceremony.

So we were married. The Archbishop gave us his blessing; Ma.s.s followed; then the organ pealed out and the marriage contract was handed to the King for his signature. After the Dauphin signed his name, it was my turn. As I took the pen my hand was trembling and I wrote my name in an untidy scrawl: Marie Antoinette Josephe Jeanne. A jet of ink shot onto the paper and I felt that everyone was staring at the blot I had made.

Later this too became an "omen." If blots were omens, I had been scattering them rather freely over my exercises for many years. But this was different. This was my marriage contract.

One would have thought that that was enough ceremony for one day. But no! I was now in truth Dauphine of France and Madame de Noailles conducted me to my apartments, where my first duty was to receive the members of my household and accept the oath of fidelity. So many of them: my ladies-in-waiting, my first maitre d'hotel, my almoner, my equerries, my doctors - I even had apothecaries and surgeons - two of the former and four of the latter; although why I, who was in perfect health, should need so many I could not imagine. I had a clockmaker and a tapestry-maker as well as a wigmaker, who was also an attendant of the bath. It was wearying to consider how many people had a.s.sembled to wait on me; one hundred and sixty-eight persons were concerned with feeding me alone.

As I accepted the oaths of my cellarmen, master cooks, my butlers, pantlers and winebearers, I was half-laughing, half-yawning because it all seemed so absurd. I did not know then that my att.i.tude would be resented. I did not understand the French at all. I was to offend so many before I realized the mistakes I made in those early days - and when I did understand, much damage had been done. What might have been obvious to a wiser person was hidden from me; and that was that this etiquette which I had seen so rigorously regarded in higher circles was carried right through to humbler strata. My att.i.tude of legerete toward them and their customs was regarded with as much dismay as Madame de Noailles herself had shown me.

I was really longing for it to be over because the next activity was the opening of the King's wedding present, and having already been made aware of the King's generosity, my expectations were high. Nor was I disappointed. The King's present was a toilet set in blue enamel, a needle case, a box and a fan all set with diamonds. How I loved those cold stones which could suddenly flash with red, green, and blue fire!

I picked up the needle case and said: "My first task shall be to make something for the King. I will embroider him a waistcoat."

Madame de Noailles reminded me that I should have to ask His Majesty's permission first. I laughed at that and said that it was to be a surprise. Then I added that it would take me years to finish it, so perhaps I had better tell him what I was doing or he would not know of my grat.i.tude and my plan to use his exquisite present.

She looked exasperated. Poor old Madame de Noailles! I had already christened her Madame l'Etiquette, and when I mentioned this to one of my women, she had laughed aloud. I was pleased and made up my mind that I was going to make fun of their etiquette whenever I had an opportunity to do so because it was the only way I could endure it.

The King had also given me various beautifully wrought articles for my entourage, and while I was admiring these I heard a rumble of thunder. The brilliant sky had become overcast and I immediately thought of all the poor people whom I had seen on the road from Paris to Versailles and who had come to see the wedding celebrations, for there was to have been a firework display for them as soon as it was dusk; and now, I thought, it is going to rain and it will all be spoilt.

During the storm I was given a little insight into the peculiarities of the aunts. As I went into my apartment I saw Madame Sophie talking to one of my women eagerly and in the most friendly fashion. This was strange because when I had been presented to her, she had scarcely spoken to me and I had heard that she rarely uttered a word and that some of her servants had never heard her speak. Yet, there she was talking intimately to the poor woman, who seemed quite bewildered and uncertain how to act. As I came forward Madame Sophie took the woman's hands and squeezed them tenderly. When she saw me, she cried: How was I? How did I feel? Was I fatigued? There was going to be a horrid storm and she hated them. The words came tumbling out. Just then a clap of thunder seemed to shake the palace and Sophie put her arms about the woman to whom she had been talking so affectionately and embraced her. It was a most extraordinary scene.

It was Madame Campan who told me later that Madame Sophie was terrified of thunderstorms and when they came, her entire personality changed. Instead of walking everywhere at great speed, leering at everyone from side to side - "like a hare," Madame Campan described it - in order to recognize people without looking at them, she talked to everyone, even the humblest, squeezing their hands and even embracing them when her terror was at its greatest pitch. I was to learn a great deal about my aunts, but like everything else, I learned it too late.

As soon as the storm was over, Sophie behaved as before, speaking to no one, running through the apartments in her odd way. Madame Campan, in whom Aunt Victoire had confided freely over many years, told me that Victoire and Sophie had undergone such terrors in the Abbey of Fontevrault, to which they had been sent as children to be educated, that it had made them very nervous and they retained this nervousness even in maturity. They had been shut in the vaults where the nuns were buried and left there to pray, as a penance; and on one occasion they had been sent to the chapel to pray for one of the gardeners who had gone raving mad. His cottage was next to the chapel and while they were there alone praying, they had to listen to his bloodcurdling screams. "We have been given to paroxysms of terror ever since," Madame Victoire explained.

Although the thunder died away, the rain continued and, as I had feared, the people of Paris who had come to Versailles to see the fireworks were disappointed. There would be no firework display in such weather. Another bad omen!

In the Galerie des Glaces the King was holding a reception and there we were all a.s.sembled. The magnificence of the Galerie on that occasion was breathtaking; later I became accustomed to its splendor. I remember the candelabra - gilded and glittering - each of which carried thirty candles, so that in spite of the darkness it was as light as day. With the King, my husband and I sat at a table which was covered with green velvet and decorated with gold braid and fringe, and we played a card game, which fortunately, with great foresight, I had been taught to play, and I could play this silly sort of game far better than I could write. The King and I smiled at each other over the table while the Dauphin sat sullenly playing as though he despised the game - which of course he did. While we played people filed past to watch us, and I wondered whether we ought to smile at them, but as the King behaved as though they did not exist, I took my cue from him. There were among the spectators several uninvited guests, for only those who had received special invitations should have been there, but some of those who had not been driven home by the storm, determined to compensate themselves for the loss of the firework display, broke the barriers and forced their way in to mingle with the guests. The ushers and guards found it quite impossible to restrain them and, as no one wanted any unfortunate displays of anger on this occasion, nothing was done.

When the reception in the Galerie des Glaces was over, we went for supper to the new opera house which the King had had built to celebrate my arrival in France. As we crossed to the opera house the Swiss Guards, splendid in starched ruffs and plumed caps, together with the bodyguards, equally colorful in their silverbraided coats, red breeches, and stockings, made a guard for us.

The real function of this beautiful opera house had been disguised. A false floor had been set up to cover the seats and on this was a table decorated with flowers and gleaming gla.s.s. With great ceremony we took our places: the King at the head of the table, myself on one side of him, my husband on the other, and next to me - and for this I was thankful - my mischievous younger brother-in-law, the Comte d'Artois, who was very attentive to me and proclaimed himself to be my squire, implying in his outrageous way that he would uphold the honor of France in the place of the Dauphin at any time I wished. He was bold, but I had liked him from the moment we met.

On the other side of Artois was Madame Adelaide, clearly reveling in an occasion like this, keeping an eye on her sisters - Sophie next to her, Victoire opposite, next to Clothilde - and trying to talk to me over Artois, her sharp eyes everywhere. She hoped that she and I would be able to talk together in her apartments, intimately. It was imperative. Artois, listening, raised his eyebrows to me when Adelaide could not see, and I felt that we were allies. At the extreme end of the table - for she was the lowest rank of the twenty-one members of the royal family - was the young woman who had interested me so much when I had first been presented to my new relations: the Princesse de Lamballe. She smiled at me very charmingly and I felt that with her and the King and my new champion Artois as my friends I need not be apprehensive about my future.

I was far too excited to eat, but I noticed that my husband had a good appet.i.te. I had never known anyone who could appear so oblivious of his surroundings. While the King's Meat (as the numerous dishes were called) was being brought in with the utmost ceremony, he might have been sitting alone, for his one interest was the food, on which he fell as though he had just returned from a hard day's hunting.

Noticing his grandson's voracious appet.i.te, the King said to him quite audibly: "You are eating too heartily, Berry. You should not overload your stomach tonight of all nights."

My husband spoke then, and everyone listened - I suppose because they heard his voice so rarely.

"I always sleep better after a good supper," he said.

I was aware of Artois beside me suppressing his amus.e.m.e.nt, and many of the guests seemed suddenly intent on their plates; others had turned and were in deep conversation with their neighbors, faces turned away from the head of the table.

The King looked at me rather sadly; then he began to talk over the Dauphin to the Comte de Provence.

The next part of the proceedings was so embarra.s.sing that even now I do not care to think about it. The night had come. When I looked across the table and caught my husband's eye, he looked uneasy and turned away. I knew then that he was as disturbed as I was. I was aware of what was expected of me that night, and although I did not look forward to it with any great pleasure, I was certain that, however distasteful it was, the result of what would happen would give me my dearest wish. I should have a child - and any discomfort was worthwhile if I could become a mother.

Back to the palace he went and the ceremony of putting the bride and groom to bed began. The d.u.c.h.esse de Chartres, as the married lady of highest rank, handed me my nightgown; and I was led to the bedchamber, where my husband, who had been helped into his nightshirt by the King, was waiting for me. We sat up in bed side by side, and all the time my husband had not looked at me. I was not sure whether he thought the whole affair incredibly silly or was just sleepy after all the food he had eaten.

The curtains were drawn back so that everyone could see us and the Archbishop of Rheims as he blessed the bed and sprinkled it with holy water. We must have appeared to be a strange little couple - both so young, little more than children; myself flushed and apprehensive, my husband bored. In truth we were two frightened children.

The King smiled at me wistfully, as though he longed to be in the Dauphin's place, and then turned away to leave us together. Everyone bowed and followed him out and my attendants drew the bedcurtains, shutting me in - alone with my bridegroom.

We lay in bed looking at the hangings. I felt lonely - shut in with a stranger. He did not attempt to touch me; he did not even speak to me. There I lay listening to my heart beats - or were they his? ... waiting ... waiting.

This was what all the fuss of preparation had been about; the solemn ceremony in the chapel, the glittering banquet, the public's peepshow. I was to be the mother of the Enfants de France; from my activities in this bed I was to produce the future King of France.

But nothing happened ... nothing. I lay awake. It must be soon, I said to myself; but still I lay and so did he ... in silence, making no move to touch me, speaking no word.

After a long while I could tell by his breathing that he was asleep.

I was bewildered and, in a way, disappointed.

I know now that he suffered even as I did. The next day he wrote one word in his journal. It was "Rien."

CHAPTER 3.

"In consequence of the fire in the Place Louis XV which occurred at the time of the nuptial celebrations, the Dauphin and Dauphine sent the whole of their incomes for a year to the relief of the unfortunate families who lost their relatives on that disastrous day."

-Madame Campan's Memoirs Omens I AM NOT SURE NOW WHEN I began to understand that nothing was as I had first believed it to be. The frivolous young girl I was, knowing little of life, formed quick conclusions from what she saw on the surface without understanding, not realizing that her new countrymen, with their love of etiquette, their determination to preserve exquisite manners in all circ.u.mstances, were adepts at deception.

I had believed that my husband and I would be lovers, that we would wander hand in hand through the splendid gardens of Versailles, that I would be gloriously happy, and before a year of marriage had pa.s.sed, would have my own little son, who would give me far more pleasure than all my little dogs put together. But I had a husband who was apparently indifferent to me.

I was bewildered; and everyone was watching us slyly, almost furtively: the King with detached resignation, the aunts with hysterical excitement, my brothers-in-law with suppressed amus.e.m.e.nt; but Mercy, Starhemburg, and the Abbe Vermond were deeply concerned.

Something was wrong. The Dauphin did not like me - and I was to blame.

This did not occur to me during the first days. All I knew was that the marriage was not what I had believed it would be. The day after that of the wedding was full of ceremonies and I had little time for thought as I was hustled from one to another. In the evening an opera was performed in the new opera house. It was Perseus, which might have been tolerable if someone had not tried to modernize it by inserting a new ballet. Everything went wrong. The director broke his leg at the dress rehearsal and was on a stretcher the whole evening. None of the properties on the stage worked as they should. In compliment to me it had been arranged that a great Eagle - the symbol of my House - should be set high above the altar of Hymen, and this, instead of remaining perched high above the altar, slumped onto it. Perseus slipped and fell at the feet of Andromeda at the very moment of rescue. The only interesting moments were those of disaster - and the director had to be prevented from killing himself.

I was so bored by this performance that I kept yawning and I knew that I was being closely watched, so I wondered in alarm whether my conduct would be reported to my mother. I was sure it would be.

I went to bed with my husband and it was exactly the same as the night before - only this time I did not lie awake, being too tired out from the previous wakeful night and the boredom of Perseus.

When I awoke, I was alone in the bed. I learned that my husband had risen as soon as it was light to go hunting. Everyone knew this and thought it strange that he should prefer to hunt rather than be with me, since we were so newly married.

When he came home from hunting, he spoke to me and as he did so so rarely I remember his words and the tone in which he spoke them.

It was simply and coolly: "Have you slept well?"

I answered: "Yes."

Then he gave me a brief half smile and turned away.

The Abbe Vermond, who was with me, looked very grave, so I picked up one of the two little dogs which had been given to me on my arrival in France and started to play with him, but when I heard the Abbe murmur: "It wrings my heart!" I could no longer doubt that there was something very wrong. I, who everyone had said was so pretty and dainty, had failed to attract the Dauphin. He could not love me.

Comte Florimond Claude de Mercy-Argenteau came to see me and asked a great many embarra.s.sing questions. Ever since I had left my mother, he had been hovering about me. My mother had said I was to trust him in everything, that I was to listen to his advice, that he would be the bridge which kept us together. I was sure she was right, but he was so old and stern - a small man rather bent, and I was sure very clever; but I was uneasy to be so obviously spied on, for one never really likes spies however worthy and for whatever cause they spy.

He was Belgian, coming from Liege, and he seemed to have something akin to the French; but he was entirely my mother's servant. His one thought, I am sure, was to carry out the mission she had set for him, and I was all the more uneasy because I was fully aware of his efficiency. He had worked under Kaunitz and I believed I might just as well have had the latter at my elbow continually, as Mercy was to be during the next years.

He asked questions in a roundabout way, but I knew exactly what he was trying to discover; he wanted to know what had taken place in the bed which I shared with my husband when we had been left to ourselves.

I told him that I believed my husband was indifferent to me. He did not touch me; he seemed to want to sleep as soon as he was in bed; and this morning he had risen long before I was awake to go hunting.

"You will be thinking that this is strange behavior for a bridegroom," he said gravely.

I agreed that I did - although I was not sure what I should have expected from a husband.

"I have studied medicine," he went on, "and I believe the Dauphin's development to be late because his const.i.tution has been weakened by his sudden and rapid growth."

So that was it! I had not liked the Duc de la Vauguyon, who had been my husband's tutor and who, I had noticed, had great influence with him. Without thinking, I burst out: "My husband's timidity and coldness is due to the kind of education he has received. I am sure the Dauphin has a good disposition, but I believe Monsieur de la Vauguyon has led him by habit and fear ..."

I stopped. I was trying to find a reason for my husband's coolness toward me other than the fact that I did not appeal to him.

Mercy looked at me coldly. He had a penetrating stare, which made me uncomfortable.

"I am sure the Empress will be most uneasy when she knows of this state of affairs. I will tell her that it is early yet and I will give her my opinion of what ails the Dauphin."

I pictured my mother at home in Schonbrunn and shivered, for she had the power to overawe me even at that distance. I knew I was failing her for she would be waiting to hear news of my pregnancy as soon as possible. Yet how could I become pregnant when my husband ignored me!

Mercy changed the subject and told me that I must be more discreet in my behavior toward the King. Did I not feel that I was being too free and easy? I replied that there was no doubt that the King liked me. He was not cold. He had said that he loved me from the moment I came, that the whole family was enchanted with me.

Mercy replied: "I will tell you what the King of France has written to your mother. 'I find the Dauphine lively, though very childish. But she is young and doubtless will grow out of this.'"

I felt my face flush scarlet. I did blush easily. So ... he had said that, after all the charming things he had whispered to me, all the caresses, all the compliments!

Mercy smiled at my discomfiture, and the implication was that it was good for me to feel foolish, for it was the only way in which I could learn the lessons which it was so important for me to master.

He left me depressed. My husband did not like me; nor did the King; the only difference was that one made a secret of his true feelings and the other did not.

I had a great deal to learn.

The aunts had been kind to me; they had implied they wanted to be my friends, so when I had an invitation to visit Madame Adelaide during that day, I gladly accepted it.