The Punster's Pocket-book Part 8

PUNNING EPISTLE ON MONEY.

Worthy Mr. Pennyfeather,

Madam Johnson has been very ill-used by her servants; they put _shillings_ into her broth instead of _groats_, which made her stamp. I hear they had them from one _Tom Ducket_, a tenant to Major _n.o.ble_, who I am told is reduced to _nine-pence_. We are doubting whether we shall dine at the _Crown_ or the _Angel_. Honest _Mark Cob_, who has been much _moydored_ of late, will dine with us, but 'Squire _Manypenny_ and Captain _Sterling_ desire to be excused, for they are engaged with Ned _Silver_ to dine in _Change_-alley. They live in great har-_mony_; they met altogether last week, and sate as loving as horses in a _pound_. I suppose you have heard of the _rhino_-ceros lately arrived here. A captain was _cash_-iered on Wednesday. A scavenger abused me this morning, but I made him down with his dust, which indeed was a _far-thing_ from my intentions. Mrs. Brent had a _pi-stole_ from her; I would a' _ginny'e_ a good deal for such another. Mrs. _Dingley_ has made a _souse_ for your collard-eel. Alderman _Coyn_ presents his service to you. I have nothing but _half-pens_ to write with, so that you must excuse this scrawl. One of my seals fell into a _c.h.i.n.k_. I am, without alloy,

Your most obedient, TOM MITE.

P.S. Mr. _Cole_ presents his service to you, of which I am a-_tester_.

G.o.d'S REVENGE AGAINST PUNNING,

BY DR. ARBUTHNOT;

SHOWING THE MISERABLE FATES OF PERSONS ADDICTED TO THIS CRYING SIN IN COURT AND TOWN.

Manifold have been the judgments which Heaven, from time to time, for the chastis.e.m.e.nt of a sinful people, has inflicted on whole nations. For when the degeneracy becomes common, 'tis but just the punishment should be general: Of this kind, in our own unfortunate country, was that destructive pestilence, whose mortality was so fatal, as to sweep away, if Sir William Petty may be believed, five millions of Christian souls, besides women and Jews.

Such also was that dreadful conflagration ensuing, in this famous metropolis of London, which consumed, according to the computation of Sir Samuel Morland, 100,000 houses, not to mention churches and stables.

Scarce had this unhappy nation recovered these funest disasters, when the abomination of playhouses rose up in this land: from hence hath an inundation of obscenity flowed from the court and overspread the kingdom. Even infants disfigured the walls of holy temples with exorbitant representations of the members of generation: nay, no sooner had they learnt to spell, but they had wickedness enough to write the names thereof in large capitals: an enormity observed by travellers to be found in no country but England.

But when whoring and popery were driven hence by the happy Revolution, still the nation so greatly offended, that Socinianism, Arianism, and Whistonism triumphed in our streets, and were in a manner become universal.

And yet still, after all these visitations, it has pleased Heaven to visit us with a contagion more epidemical, and of consequence more fatal: this was foretold to us, first, by that unparalleled eclipse in 1714; secondly, by the dreadful coruscation in the air this present year; and, thirdly, by the nine comets seen at once over Soho-square, by Mrs. Katherine Wadlington, and others: a contagion that first crept in among the first quality, descended to their footmen, and infused itself into their ladies--I mean the woeful practice of PUNNING. This does occasion the corruption of our language, and therein of the word of G.o.d translated into our language, which certainly every sober Christian must tremble at.

Now such is the enormity of this abomination, that our very n.o.bles not only commit punning over tea, and in taverns, but even on the Lord's day, and in the king's chapel: therefore, to deter men from this evil practice, I shall give some true and dreadful examples of G.o.d's revenge against punsters.

The Right Honourable----(but it is not safe to insert the name of an eminent n.o.bleman in this paper, yet I will venture to say that such a one has been _seen_; which is all we can say, considering the largeness of his sleeves)--This young n.o.bleman was not only a flagitious punster himself, but was accessary to the punning of others, by consent, by provocation, by connivance, and by defence of the evil committed; for which the Lord mercifully spared his neck, but as a mark of reprobation _wryed his nose_.

Another n.o.bleman of great hopes, no less guilty of the same crime, was made the punisher of himself with his own hand, in the loss of 500 pounds at box and dice; whereby this unfortunate young gentleman incurred the heavy displeasure of his aged grandmother.

A third of no less ill.u.s.trious extraction, for the same vice, was permitted to fall into the arms of a _Dalilah_, who may one day cut off his curious hair, and deliver him up to the _Philistines_.

Colonel F----, an ancient gentleman of grave deportment, gave into this sin so early in his youth, that whenever his tongue endeavours to speak common sense, he hesitates so as not to be understood.

Thomas Pickle, gentleman, for the same crime, banished to Minorca.

Muley Hamet, from a wealthy and hopeful officer in the army, turned a miserable invalid at Tilbury-Fort.

---- Eustace, Esq. for the murder of much of the King's English in Ireland, is quite deprived of his reason, and now remains a lively instance of emptiness and vivacity.

Poor Daniel b.u.t.ton, for the same offence, deprived of his wits.

One Samuel, an Irishman, for his forward attempt to pun, was stunted in his stature, and hath been visited all his life after with bulls and blunders.

George Simmons, shoemaker at Turnstile in Holborn, was so given to this custom, and did it with so much success, that his neighbours gave out he was a wit. Which report coming among his creditors, n.o.body would trust him; so that he is now a bankrupt, and his family in a miserable condition.

Divers eminent clergymen of the university of Cambridge, for having propagated this vice, became great drunkards and Tories.

_From which calamities, the Lord in his mercy defend us all_, &c. &c.

THE BIRTH OF A PUN[18].

When Adam and Eve, as the saints all believe, From the garden of Eden were driven; They put up a prayer to king Joe in his chair, That a boon he would grant them from heaven.

'Twas in vain that old Jove 'gainst their pet.i.tion strove, Madame Juno determined to grapple His arguments keen; said the thunderer's queen, "Where's the sin, pray, of stealing an apple?

Send Momus, I beg, let him carry an egg, To earth's now disconsolate son; And bid Mistress Eve, that no longer she grieve, For the G.o.ds have enclosed them a _Pun_."

Now downward the sprite on the earth did alight, And cracking the sh.e.l.l on the floor, Gave birth to a Pun, full of humour and fun, And sadness they never knew more.

[18] ANTIQUITY OF PUNS AND ENIGMAS,

_By the learned Author of Hermes._

On the subject of puns the late learned author of Hermes and Philological Inquiries has the following remarks and extracts:

A Pun seldom regards MEANING, being chiefly confined to SOUND.

Horace gives a sad example of this _spurious_ wit, where (as _Dryden_ humorously translates it) he makes _Persius_ the buffoon exhort the patriot _Brutus_ to kill Mr. King, that is, _Rupilius Rex_, because _Brutus_, when he slew _Caesar_, had been accustomed to KING-KILLING.

_Hunc_ Regem _occide; operum Hoc mihi crede tuorum est_.

We have a worse attempt in _Homer_, where _Ulysses_ makes _Polypheme_ believe his name was ????S, and where the dull _Cyclops_, after he had lost his eye, upon being asked by his brethren who had done so much mischief, replies, 'twas done by ????S, that is, by n.o.bODY.

Enigmas are of a more complicated nature, being involved either in _pun_ or _metaphor_, or sometimes in both.

??d?' ??d?? ???? ?a???? ?p' ????? ?????sa?ta.

_I saw a man, who_, unprovoked with ire, _Stuck bra.s.s upon another's back by fire_.

This Enigma is ingenious, and means the _operation of cupping_, performed in ancient days by a machine of _bra.s.s_.

In such fancies, contrary to the principles of good _metaphor_ and good writing, a _perplexity_ is caused, _not by accident_, but _by design_, and _the pleasure_ lies in the being able _to resolve it_.

THE ENGLISH CELEBRATED FOR PUNNING ON NAMES.