The Politician Out-Witted Part 13

HARRIET. You must take care not to talk of _age_, before him.

LOVEYET. Yes, my fair monitor; I shall think of that: and now permit me, in my turn, to give you a little advice.--In the first place, I would have you go to your father--fall at his feet--clasp your fair hands, thus--beseeching him in such terms as that gentle heart is so well form'd to dictate, and persuading him with the all-prevailing music of that tuneful voice, to recall his rigourous intention, nor doom such angelic goodness and beauty to despair, by persisting to oppose an alliance which alone can make you blest; and without which, the most faithful of lovers will be rendered the most wretched one on earth. I shall take a similar method with my old gentleman, and I think I can insure myself success.

HARRIET. This is all very fine; but--to have the voluntary consent of the parent one loves,--how infinitely more agreeable! I would not offend mine, for the world: and yet--

LOVEYET. And yet you will be obliged to offend him, by having me, eigh?

HARRIET. Pshaw;--how strangely you misconstrue my meaning: I was going to observe, that I expect his obstinacy and pride will prove invincible, in spite of all the rhetoric you are pleased to ascribe to me.

LOVEYET. Then we will employ a little rhetoric, against which another cla.s.s of fathers are not quite so invincible.--Parsons are plenty, you know; and Gold and Silver are persuasive little words. _Love_ inspires me with the spirit of prophecy, and tells me I shall soon with propriety call the loveliest of her s.e.x, mine.

HARRIET. You are very eloquent, Mr. Loveyet: I do not think the subject merits so many florid speeches.

LOVEYET. Not merit them!--

_'Tis not in human language, to define Merit so rare, and beauty--so divine!

Then what avails this little praise of mine?_

HARRIET. _Harriet deserves not praise so great as thine._

[_Exeunt._

_End of the Third Act._

ACT IV.

SCENE I. _TRUEMAN'S House._

TRUEMAN [_solus_].

I sincerely lament this unfortunate dispute.--I know Harriet loves that young fellow, though he has been so long absent; and, therefore, I regret it; for, to what end do I live but to see her happy!--But I will not give way to his father;--perhaps he may think better of the matter, for I know him to be of a placable nature, though pa.s.sionate;--and yet he seems to be inflexible in his resolution.

_Enter HUMPHRY._

HUMPHRY. Sarvint, Mr. Schoolmaster;--here's a challenge for you.

[_Gives TRUEMAN the barber's note._

TRUEMAN. A challenge! Surely the old blockhead would not make himself so ridiculous.

HUMPHRY. Yes, it's for that;--I remember he said you call'd him a blockhead.

TRUEMAN. You may go and tell him I advise him to relinquish his knight-errant project, or I will expose his absurdity by taking the advantage which the law offers in such cases.

HUMPHRY. That is, you'll take the law of him, if he goes for to fight you.

TRUEMAN. Fight me!--Oh, grovelling idea! Wit-forsaken progeny of a more than soporific pericranium! Fight me!--Hear and be astonished, O Cicero, Demosthenes, Socrates, Plato, Seneca, Aristotle,--

HUMPHRY. Oh, for shame!--Do you read Haristotle?

TRUEMAN. Be it known to thee, thou monstrous ma.s.s of ignorance, if such an uninformed clod, dull and heavy as that element to which it must trace its origin, can comprehend these very obvious and palpable truths, expressed in the most plain, simple, easy, unscholastic diction.--I repeat again, that you may apprehend me with the greater perspicuity and facility,--be it known to thee, that those immaculate sages would have died rather than have used such an expression; by the dignity of my profession, they would:--'tis true that the ancients had such things as single combats among the Olympic games, and they were always performed by the populace; but such a fight, alias a tilt, a tournament, a wrestle, could not, according to the rule of right, and the eternal fitness and apt.i.tude of things, be properly denominated a _bona fide_ fight; for, as I before observed, it was _ipso facto_, a game, an Olympic game.--Olympic, from Olympus.

HUMPHRY. Pray now, Mr. Schoolmaster, if a body mought be so bold, what do you think of the last war? Does your Schoolmastership think how that was a fona bide fight?

TRUEMAN. You are immensely illiterate; but I will reply to your interrogatory.--My opinion of the late war, is as follows, to wit.--_Imprimis._ The Americans were wise, brave and virtuous to struggle for that liberty, independence and happiness, which the new government will now render secure. _Item._ The Americans were prodigious fortunate to obtain the said liberty, independence and happiness. A war, encounter, combat, or, if you please, fight like this, is great and glorious; it will immortalize the name of the renowned WASHINGTON,--more than that of Cincinnatus, Achilles, aeneas, Alexander the Great, Scipio, Gustavus Vasa, Mark Anthony, Kouli Khan, Caesar or Pompey.

HUMPHRY. Caesar and Pompey! Why them is nigers' names.

TRUEMAN. _O tempora! O mores!_

HUMPHRY. He talks Greek like a Trojan.--Tempora mores;--I suppose how that's as much as to say, it was the temper of the Moors, that's the nigers, for to be call'd Caesar and Pompey.--I guess how he can give me the exclamation of that plaguy word.--Con--let me see [_Spells it in the manner he did before._]--Please your worshipful reverence, Mr. Schoolmaster, what's Latin for Const.i.tution?

TRUEMAN. To tell you what is Latin for Const.i.tution, will not make you a particle the wiser; I will, therefore, explain it in the vernacular tongue.--Const.i.tution then, in its primary, abstract, and true signification, is a concatenation or coacervation of simple, distinct parts, of various qualities or properties, united, compounded, or const.i.tuted in such a manner, as to form or compose a system or body, when viewed in its aggregate or general nature. In its common, or generally received, acceptation, it implies two things.--First, the nature, habit, disposition, organization or construction of the natural, corporeal, or animal system.--Secondly, a political system, or plan of government. This last definition, I apprehend, explains the Const.i.tution you mean.

HUMPHRY. Like enough, but I don't understand a single word you've been a talking about.

TRUEMAN. No! 'Tis not my fault then:--If plainness of language, clearness of description, and a grammatical arrangement of words will not suffice, I can do no more.

_Enter OLD LOVEYET listening._

HUMPHRY. I mean the Const.i.tution that you read in the newspapers about; that that your worship was a going to get at loggerheads with old Mr.

What's-his-name, about.

LOVEYET. I'll old you, you rascal!

TRUEMAN. Did you never hear your friends in the country talk of the new Const.i.tution?

HUMPHRY. Not I, I never heard anybody talk about it, at the Pharisee's Head;--I don't believe Jeremy Stave, the clark of the meeting-house, no, nor Parson Thumpum himself ever heard of such a word--No, not even old Mr.

Scourge, the Schoolmaster.

TRUEMAN. A hopeful genius, for a Schoolmaster, upon my education. Do you send him to me,--I'll qualify him for that important station.

HUMPHRY. And I'll be qualify'd I never larnt such a word when I went to his school.

TRUEMAN. Nor any other one, I believe, properly speaking.

HUMPHRY. Oh yes, I'll say that for him;--he us'd to take a great deal of pains for to larn us proper speaking.

TRUEMAN. The Const.i.tution you hear so much noise about, is a new government, which some great and good men have lately contrived, and now recommend for the welfare and happiness of the American nation.

LOVEYET. Oh, the traitor!

HUMPHRY. But didn't old Mr. What's-his-name say, how they wanted for to make slaves of us?

LOVEYET. There's _old_ Mr. What's-his-name, again.