The Pleasures of a Single Life Part 1

The Pleasures of a Single Life, or, The Miseries Of Matrimony.

by Anonymous.

Wedlock, oh! Curs'd uncomfortable State, Cause of my Woes, and Object of my hate.

How bless'd was I? Ah, once how happy me?

When I from those uneasie Bonds were free; How calm my Joys? How peaceful was my Breast, Till with thy fatal Cares too soon opprest, The World seem'd Paradice, so bless'd the Soil Wherein I liv'd, that Business was no Toil; Life was a Comfort, which produc'd each day New Joys, that still preserv'd me from decay, Thus Heav'n first launch'd me into pacifick Seas, Where free from Storms I mov'd with gentle Breeze; My Sails proportion'd, and my Vessell t.i.te, } Coasting in Pleasures-Bay I steer'd aright, } Pallac'd with true Content, and fraighted with delight }

Books my Companions were wherein I found Needful Advice, without a noisy Sound, But was with friendly pleasing silence taught, Wisdom's best Rules, to fructify my Thought, Rais'd up our Sage Fore-fathers from the dead, } And when I pleas'd, invok'd them to my Aid, } Who at my Study-Bar without a Fee would plead: } Whilst I Chief Justice sat, heard all their Sutes, And gave my Judgment on their learn'd Disputes; Strove to determine ev'ry Cause aright, And for my Pains found Profit and Delight, Free from Partiality; I fear'd no blame, Desir'd no Brib'ry, and deserv'd no Shame, But like an upright Judge, grudg'd no Expence Of time, to fathom Truth with Diligence, Reading by Day, Contemplating by Night, Till Conscience told me that I judg'd aright, Then to my Paper-World I'd have recourse, And by my Maps run o'er the Universe; Sail round the Globe, and touch at every Port, Survey those Sh.o.a.rs where Men untam'd resort, View the old Regions where the _Persian_ Lord Taught Wooden Deities first to be Ador'd, Ensnar'd at last to Sacrifice his Life To the base Pride of an Adult'rous Wife, And where the _Grecian_ Youth to Arms inur'd. } The hungry Soil with _Persian_ Blood manur'd, } Where bold _Busephilus_ brutal Conduct show'd, } The force of monstrous Elephants withstood, And with his Rider waded through a purple Flood.

Then would I next the _Roman_ Field survey, Where brave _Fabricius_ with his Army lay; Fam'd for his Valour, from Corruption free, Made up of Courage and Humility.

That when Encamp'd the good Man lowly bent, Cook'd his own Cabbage in his homely Tent: And when the _Samaites_ sent a Golden Sum, To tempt him to betray his Country _Rome_, The Dross he scoffingly return'd untold, } And answer'd with a Look serenely bold, } That _Roman_ Sprouts would boil without their _Grecian_ Gold: } Then eat his Cale-worts for his Meal design'd, And beat the _Grecian_ Army when he'd din'd.

Thus wou'd I range the World from Pole to Pole; To encrease my Knowledge, and delight my Soul; Travel all Nations and inform my Sence; With ease and safety, at a small Expence: No Storms to plough, no Pa.s.sengers Sums to pay, No Horse to hire, or Guide to show the way, No _Alps_ to clime, no Desarts here to pa.s.s, No Ambuscades, no Thief to give me chase; No Bear to dread, or rav'nous Wolf to fight, No Flies to sting, no Rattle-Snakes to bite; No Floods to ford, no Hurricans to fear; No dreadful Thunder to surprize the Ear; No Winds to freeze, no Sun to scorch or fry, No Thirst, or Hunger, and Relief not nigh.

All these Fatiegues and Mischiefs could I shun; } Rest when I pleas'd, and when I please Jog on, } And travel through both _Indies_ in an Afternoon. }

When the Day thus far pleasingly was spent, And every Hour admin'stred Content, Then would I range the Fields, and flow'ry Meads, Where Nature her exub'rant Bounty spreads, In whose delightful Products does appear Inimitable Beauty ev'ry where; Contemplate on each Plant, and useful Weed, And how its Form first lay involved in Seed, How they're preserv'd by Providential Care, For what design'd, and what their Virtues are.

Thus to my Mind by dint of Reason prove, That all below is ow'd to Heaven above, And that no Earthly Temporals can be, But what must Center in Eternity.

Then gaze aloft, whence all things had their Birth, And mount my prying Soul 'twixt Heaven and Earth, Thus the sweet Harmonv o' th' whole admire, } And by due Search new Learning still aquire, } So nearer ev'ry day to Truths Divine aspire. }

When tir'd with thought, then from my Pocket pluck Some friendly dear Companion of a Book, Whose homely Calves-skin fences did contain The Verbal Treasure of some Old good Man: Made by long study and experience wise, Whose piercing thoughts to Heavenly knowledge rise, Amongst whose Pious Reliques I would find, Rules for my Life, Rich Banquets for my mind, Such pleasing Nectar, such Eternal Food, That well digested, makes a Man a G.o.d; And for his use at the same time prepares On Earth a Heav'n in spight of worldly Cares, The day in these Enjoyments would I spend, But chuse at Night my Bottle and my Friend, Took prudent care that neither were abus'd, But with due Moderation both I us'd.

And in one sober Pint found more delight, Then the insatiate Sot that swills all Night; Ne'er drown my Senses, or my Soul debase.

Or drink beyond the relish of my bla.s.s For in Excess good Heav'ns design is Crost, In all Extreams the true Enjoyments lost, Wine chears the Heart, and elevates the Soul, But if we surfeit with too large a Bowl, Wanting true Aim we th' happy Mark o'er Shoot, And change the Heavenly Image to a Brute.

So the great _Grecian_ who the World subdu'd, And drown'd whole Nations in a Sea of Blood; At last was Conquer'd by the Power of Wine, And dy'd a Drunken Victime to the Vine.

My Friend, and I, when o'er our Bottle sat, Mix'd with each Gla.s.s some inoffensive Chat, Talk'd of the World's Affairs, but still kept free From Pa.s.sion, Zeal, or Partiality; With honest freedom did our thoughts dispense, And judg'd of all things with indifference; Till time at last did our Delights invade, And in due season separation made, Then without Envy, Discord or Deceit, Part like true Friends as loving as we meet.

The Tavern change to a domestick scene, That sweet Retirement, tho it's ne'er so mean.

Thus leave each other in a Cheerful Plight, T' enjoy the silent Pleasures of the Night, When home return'd, my Thanks to Heaven pay, For all the past kind Blessing of the Day; No haughty Help-mate to my Peace molest, No treacherous Snake to harbour in my Breast: No fawning Mistress of the Female Art, With _Judas_ Kisses to betray my Heart; No light-tail'd Hypocrite to raise my Fears, No vile Impert'nence to torment my Ears; No molted Off spring to disturb my Thought, In Wedlock born but G----d knows where begot; No l.u.s.tful _Ma.s.salina_ to require Whole Troops of Men to feed her Brutal Fire?

No Family Cares my quiet to disturb; No Head-strong Humours to a.s.swage or Curb No Jaring Servants, no Domestick strife, } No Jilt, no Termagent, no Faithless Wife, } With Vinegar or Gall, to sowre or bitter Life. }

Thus freed from all that could my Mind annoy, Alone my self, I did my self enjoy: When Nature call'd, I laid me down to rest, With a sound Body, and a peaceful Breast; Hours of Repose with Constancy I kept, And Guardian Angels watch'd me as I slept, In lively Dreams reviving as I lay, The Pleasures of the last precedent day, Thus whilst I singly liv'd, did I possess } By Day and Night incessant Happiness, } Content enjoy'd awak'd, and sleeping found no less. }

But the Curs'd Fiend from h.e.l.l's dire Regions sent, Ranging the World to Man's Destruction bent, Who with an Envious Pride beholding me, Advanc'd by Virtue to Felicity, Resolv'd his own Eternal wretched state, Should be in part reveng'd by my sad Fate; And to at once my happy Life betray Flung Woman, Fathless Woman in my way: Beauty she had, a seeming Modest Mein, } All Charms without, but Devil all within, } Which did not yet appear, but lurk'd, alas unseen. } A fair Complexion far exceeding Paint, Black sleepy Eyes that would have Charm'd a Saint; Her Lips so soft and sweet, that ev'ry Kiss, Seem'd a short Tast of the Eternal Bliss; Her set of Teeth so Regular and White, They'd show their l.u.s.tre in the darkest Night; Round her Seraphick Face so fair and young, Her Sable Hair in careless Dresses hung, Which added to her beauteous Features, show'd Like some fair Angel peeping through a Cloud?

Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, her Hands, and every Charm so bright, She seem'd a Sun by Day, a Moon by Night; Her shape so ravishing, that every Part, Proportion'd was to the nicest Rules of Art: So awful was her Carriage when she mov'd, None could behold her, but he fear'd and lov'd, She danc'd well, sung well, finely plaid the Lute, Was always witty in her Words, or Mute; Obliging, not reserv'd, nor yet too free, But as a Maid divinely bless'd should be; Not vainly gay, but decent in Attire, } She seem'd so good, she could no more acquire } Of Heaven, than what she had, & Man no more desire: } Fortune, like G.o.d and Nature too was kind, And to these Gifts a copious Sum had joyn'd Who could the power of such Temptations shun; What frozen _Synick_ from her Charms could run: What Cloister'd Monk could see a Face so bright, } But quit his Beads and follow Beauty's Light, } And by Its l.u.s.tre hope to shun Eternal Night. } I so bewitch'd, and poyson'd with her Charms, Believ'd the utmost Heaven was in her Arms, Methoughts the Goodness, in her Eyes I see, Spoke her the Off-spring of some Deity.

Now Books and Walks, would no content afford, She was the only Good to be Ador'd.

In her fair Looks alone delight I found, Love's raging Storms all other Joys had drown'd.

By Beauty's _Ignis fatuus_ led astray, Bound for Content, I lost my happy way Of Reason's faithful Pilot now bereft, Was amongst Rocks and Shelves in danger left, There must have perish'd, as I fondly thought, Lest her kind Usage my Salvation wrought; Her happy Aid I labour'd to obtain, Hop'd for Success, yet fear'd her sad Disdain, Tortur'd like dying Convicts whilst they live, 'Twixt fear of Death, and hopes of a Reprieve.

First for her smallest Favours did I sue, Crept, Fawn'd and Cring'd, as Lovers us'd to do?

Sigh'd e'er I spoke, and when I spoke look'd Pale, In words confus'd disclos'd my mournful Tale?

Unpractised and Amour's fine Speeches coin'd, But could not utter what I well design'd.

Warm'd by her Charms 'gainst Bashfulness I strove, And trembling far, and stammer'd out my Love; Told her how greatly I admir'd and fear'd, Which she 'twixt Coyness and Compa.s.sion heard, Grutch'd no Expence of Money, or of Time, And thought that not to adore her was a Crime; The more each Visit I acquainted grew, Yet every time found something in her new.

Who was above her s.e.x so fortunate, She had a Charm for Man in every State; Beauty for the Youthful, Prudence for the Old, Scripture for the G.o.dly, for the Miser Gold; Wit for the Ingenious, silence for the Grave, Flatt'ry for the Fool, and Cunning for the Knave: Compounded thus of such Varieties, } She had a knack to every Temper please, } And as her self thought fit was every one of these. } I lov'd, I sigh'd and vow'd, talk'd, whin'd, and pray'd, And at her Feet my panting Heart I lay'd; She smil'd, then frown'd, was now reserv'd, then free, And as she plaid her part, oft chang'd her Key; Not through Fantastick Humour but Design, To try me throughly e'er she should be mine, Because she wanted in one Man to have, A Husband, Lover, Cuckold and a Slave.

So Travellers, before a Horse they buy, His Speed, his Paces, and his Temper try, Whether he'll answer Whip and Spur, thence Judge, If the poor Beast will prove a patient Drudge: When she by wiles had heightned my Desire, And fain'd Love's sparkles to a raging Fire; Made now for Wedlock, or for _Bedlam_ fit.

Thus Pa.s.sion gain'd the upper-hand of Wit, The Dame by pity, or by Interest mov'd, Or else by l.u.s.t, pretended now she lov'd; After long-sufferings, her Consent I got. } To make me happy, as I hop'd and thought, } But oh, the wretched hour I ty'd the _Gordian_ Knot. }

Thus thro' mistake I rashly plung'd my Life Into that Gulph of Miseries a Wife.

With joyful Arms I thus embrac'd my Fare, Believ'd too soon, was undeceiv'd too late; So hair-brain'd Fools to _Indian_ Climates rove, With a vain hope their Fortunes to improve; There spend their slender Cargoes, then become Worse Slaves abroad than e'er they were at home When a few Weeks were wasted I compar'd, With all due moderation and regard, My former freedom, with my new restraint, Judging which State afforded most content.

But found a single Life as calm and gay, As the delightful Month of blooming _May_, Not chill'd with Cold, or scorch'd with too much heat. } Not plagu'd with flying Dust, nor drown'd with wet, } But pleasing to the Eyes, and to the Nostrils sweet. }

But Wedlock's like the bl.u.s.tring Month of _March_, That does the Body's Maims and Bruises search, Brings by cold nipping Storms unwelcom Pains, And finds, or breeds, Distempers in our Veins; Renews old Sores, and hastens on Decay, And seldom does afford one pleasant Day.

But Clouds dissolve, or raging Tempest blow, And untile Houses, like the wrangling Shrow; Thus _March_ and Marriage justly may be said, } To be alike, then sure the Man is Mad, } That loves such changling Weather where the best is bad. }

Though I once happy in a single Life, Yet Shipwrack'd all upon that Rock a Wife.

By Gold and Beauties Powerful Charms betray'd, To the dull drugery of a Marriage-Bed; That Paradise for Fools, a Sport for Boys, Tiresom its Chains, and brutal are its Joys, Thou nauseous Priestcraft that to soon appear'd, Not as I hop'd, but worse than what I fear'd.

All her soft Charms which I believ'd divine, Marriage I thought had made them only mine; Vain hope, alas for I too early found, My Brows were with the Throne of Wedlock crown'd, Jealousies, first from Reason rais'd a doubt, And Fatal Chance th' unhappy Truth brought out; Made it so plain from all Pretences free'd.

That wicked Woman no Excuse could plead; And if she wants device to hide her Shame, h.e.l.l can no Umbrage for Audult'ry frame.

I though it prudence the Disgrace to hide, Tho' rav'd and Storm'd, she Pardon beg'd and Cry'd.

Yet with false Protestations strove to Charm: The Cuckold to believe she'd done no harm, Tho' taken by surprize (O curse the Day) Where all the Marks of past Enjoyment lay, And she disorder'd by her l.u.s.tful freeks Had Shame and Horrour strugling in her Cheeks: Yet, made Essays to clear her Innocence, And hide her guilt with Lyes and Impudence; For l.u.s.tful Women like a vicious State, Oft stifle Ills by others full as great, But I convinc'd too plainly of her Guilt, All her false Oaths and quick inventions spoilt, Which when she'd used in vain she blush'd and cry'd, And own'd her fault she found she could not hide.

This I forgave, she promis'd to reclaim, Vow'd future truth if I'd conceal the shame; But what Strange Adamantine Chain can bind, Woman corrupted to be just or kind: Or how can Man to an adultress shew That Love, which to a faithful Wife is due.

I strugled hard, and all my Pa.s.sions chekt, And chang'd Revenge into a mild Respect, That Good for Ill return'd might touch hear near, And Grat.i.tude might bind her more tan fear; My former Love I every day renew'd; And all the Signals of Oblivion shew'd; Wink'd at small Faults, wou'd no such Trifles mind, As accidental Failings not designed.

I all things to her Temper easie made, Scorn'd to reflect, and hated to upbraid; She chose (and rich it was) her own Attire, Nay, had what a proud Woman could desire.

Thus the new Covenant I strictly kept, And oft in private for her Failings wept, Yet bore with seeming Cheerfulness those Cares, That bring a Man too soon to grisled Hairs.

But all this kindness I dispens'd in vain.

Where l.u.s.t and base Ingrat.i.tude remain.

l.u.s.t, which if once in Female fancy fix'd, Burns like Salt Petre, with driy Touchwood mix'd: And tho' cold Fear for time may stop its force, } Twill soon like Fire confin'd, break out the worse, } Or like a Tide obstucted, re-a.s.sume its course. }

No Art cou'd e'e presume the stinking _Stote_, Or change the lecherous Nature of the _Goat_.

No skilful Whitster ever found the flight, To wash or bleach an _Ethiopian_ White.

No gentle Usage truly will a.s.swage, A Tyger's fierceness, or a Lyon's rage, Stripes and severe Correction is the way, Whence once they're thro'ly Conquer'd, they'll obey, 'Tis Whip and Spur, Commanding Reign and Bit, That makes the unruly head-strong Horse submit, So stubborn faithless Woman must be us'd, Or Man by Woman basely be abus'd.

For after all the Endearments I should show, At last she turn'd both Libertine and Shrow, From my Submission grew perverse and proud, Crabbed as Varges, and as Thunder loud; Did what she pleas'd, would no Obedience own, And redicul'd the Patience I had shown.

Fear'd no sharp threatnings, valued no disgrace, But flung the wrongs she'd done me in my Face; Grew still more head strong, turbulent and Lewd, Filling my Mansion with a spurious brood.

Thus Brutal l.u.s.t her humane Reason drown'd, And her loose Tail obliged the Country round; Advice, Reproof, Pray'rs, Tears, were flung away, For still she grew mord wicked ev'ry day; Till By her equals scorn'd, my Servants fed, The Brutal Rage of her adultrous bed.

Nay, in my absence trucled to my Groom, And hug'd the servile Traytor in my Room; When these strange Tydings, Thunder struck my Ear, And such Inhumane Wrongs were made appear, On these just Grounds for a Divorce I su'd, } At last that head-strong Tyrant wife subdu'd, } Cancel'd the marriage-bonds, and basterdiz'd her brood. }

_Woman_, thou worst of all Church-plagues, farewel; Bad at the best, but at the worst a h.e.l.l; Thou truss of wormwood, bitter Teaz of Life, Thou Nursery of humane cares a wife.

Thou Apple-Eating Trayt'riss who began The Wrath of Heav'n, and Miseries of Man, And hast with never-failing diligence, Improv'd the Curse to humane Race e'er since.

Farewel Church-juggle that enslav'd my Life, But bless that Pow'r that rid me of my Wife.

And now the Laws once more have set me free, If Woman can again prevail with me, My Flesh and Bones shall make my Wedding-Feast, } And none shall be Invited as my Guest, } T' attend my _Bride_, but th' _Devil_ and a _Priest_. }

_FINIS._

THE CHOICE, OR, THE Pleasures of a _Country_--LIFE, &c.

If Heav'n the grateful Liberty wou'd give, That I might chuse my Method how to live And all those Hours propitious Fate shou'd lend, In blisful Ease and Satisfaction spend.

Near some fair Town I'd have a private Seat, Built Uniform, not little, nor to great: Better if on a rising Ground it stood, Fields on this side, on that a Neighb'ring Wood.

It shou'd within no other things contain, But what are Useful, Necessary Plain: Methinks 'tis Nauseous, and I'd ne'er endure The needless pomp of gawdy Furniture: A little Garden, gratefule to the Eye, And a cool Rilvulet run Murmuring by: On whose delicious Banks a stately Row, Of shady Limes, or Sicamores, shou'd grow.

At th' end of which a silent Study plac'd, Shou'd with the n.o.blest Authors there be grac'd.

_Horace_ and _Virgil_, in whose mighty Lines, Immortal Wit, and solid Learning Shines.