The Physical Life of Woman: Advice to the Maiden, Wife and Mother Part 5

Alas! what can we say to such? We feel that

'Earthlier happy is the rose distilled, Than that which, withering on the virgin thorn, Grows, lives, and dies in single blessedness.'

Yet there is ever a blessing in store for those who suffer here, and the hope of the future must teach them to bear the present.

LOVE IS ETERNAL.

We have said love is a necessity in the life of either man or woman to complete their nature. Its effects, therefore, are eternal. We do not intend this as a figure of speech. It is a sober statement of physiology.

From the day of marriage the woman undergoes a change in her whole structure. She is similar to her former self, but not the same. It is often noticed that the children of a woman in her second marriage bear a marked resemblance to her first husband. In the inferior races and lower animals this obscure metamorphosis is still more apparent. A negress who has borne her first child to a white man, will ever after have children of a color lighter than her own. Count Strzelewski, in his Travels in Australia, narrates this curious circ.u.mstance: A native woman who has once had offspring by a white man, can never more have children by a male of her own race. Dr. Darwin relates that a male zebra was once brought to England, and a hybrid race, marked by the zebra's stripes, was produced from certain mares. Always after, the colts of those mares bore the marks of the zebra on their skins. In some way the female is profoundly altered throughout her whole formation, and entirely independent of her will, by the act of marriage, and the alteration is never effaced.

If the body is thus influenced, shall not the far more susceptible mind and spirit be equally impressed?

Another common observation supports what we say, and extends it farther.

Not the woman alone,--the man also undergoes a change, and loses a portion of his personality in his mate. They two are one, not merely in a moral sense. We constantly notice a decided resemblance in old couples who have pa.s.sed, say, two score years together. They have grown to look alike in form, feature, and expression. That for so long a time they have breathed the same air, eaten the same fare, and been subjected to the same surroundings, explains this to some extent. But the greater part of the change flows from mental sources. They have laughed and wept together; they have shared the same joys and pleasures; a smile or a tear on the face of one has evoked a corresponding emotion and expression on the face of the other. Their co-partnership has become a unity. Even without speaking, they sympathize. Their souls are constantly _en rapport_. The man is as different as the woman from his former self.

OF SECOND MARRIAGES.

Science, therefore, seems to say to woman, 'Your first husband is your eternal husband.' How, then, about second marriages? Are we to say that they are not advisable?

Let us not answer hastily. It is yet to be seen whether ill-a.s.sorted marriages produce those impressions we have mentioned. They may, indeed, on the body, while the mind is free. One must remember, also, that the exigencies of social life must be consulted. If a woman cannot love two men equally,--and she cannot,--other motives, worthy of all respect, justify her in entering the marriage life a second time. Then, the higher refinements of the emotions are not given to all alike, nor do they come at the same age to all. True love may first dawn upon a woman after one or two husbands have left her a widow. Orphan children, widow-hood, want of property, or the care of property,--these are sad afflictions to the lonely woman. Do not blame her if she accepts a husband as a guardian, a protector, whom she can no longer receive to her arms as a lover. She is right.

We cherish the memory of a lady of strong character, who died past eighty. She had survived three husbands. 'The first,' she said, 'I married for love, the second for position, the third for friendship. I was happy with them all.' But when, in her mortal illness, this venerable friend sank into the delirium which preceded death, she constantly called out the name of her first husband only. More than half a century had not effaced the memory of those few years of early love. This is fidelity indeed.

OF DIVORCE.

He of Nazareth laid down the law that whoever puts away his wife for any cause except adultery, and marries again, commits adultery; and that whatever woman puts away her husband for any cause save adultery, and marries again, herself commits adultery.

This has been found a hard saying.

John Milton wrote a book to show that the Lawgiver did not mean what He said, but something quite different. Modern sects, calling themselves _Christians_, after this Lawgiver, dodge the difficulty, and refer it to State legislatures. State legislatures, not troubling themselves at all about any previous law or lawgiver, allow dozens of causes--scores of them--as perfectly valid to put asunder those whom G.o.d has joined together.

Science, which never finds occasion to disagree with that Lawgiver of Nazareth, here makes His words her own.

Whether we look at it as a question in social life, in morals, or in physiology, the American plan of granting absolute divorces is dangerous, and destructive to what is best in life. It leads to hasty, ill-a.s.sorted matches, to an unwillingness to yield to each other's peculiarities, to a weakening of the family ties, to a lax morality.

Carry it a trifle farther than it now is in some of the Western States, and marriage will lose all its sacredness, and degenerate into a physical union, not n.o.bler than the crossing of flies in the air.

Separation of bed and board should always be provided for by law; and whether single, married, or separated, the woman should retain entire control of her own property. But in the eyes of G.o.d and nature, a woman or a man with two faithful spouses living, to each of whom an eternal fidelity has been plighted, is a monster.

OF A PLURALITY OF WIVES OR HUSBANDS.

What has been said of divorce applies with tenfold force to the custom of a woman living as wife to several men, or of a man as husband to several women. We should not speak of these customs, but that we know both exist in America, not among the notoriously wicked, but among those who claim to be the peculiarly good--the very elect of G.o.d. They prevail, not as l.u.s.tful excesses, but as religious observances.

It is worth while to say that such practices lead to physical degradation. The woman who acknowledges more than one husband is generally sterile; the man who has several wives has usually a weakly offspring, princ.i.p.ally males. Nature attempts to check polygamy by reducing the number of females, and failing in this, by enervating the whole stock. The Mormons of Utah would soon sink into a state of Asiatic effeminacy were they left to themselves.

COURTSHIP.

A wise provision of nature ordains that _woman shall be sought_. She flees, and man pursues. The folly of modern reformers, who would annul this provision, is evident. Were it done away with, man, ever p.r.o.ne to yield to woman's solicitations, and then most p.r.o.ne when yielding is most dangerous, would fritter away his powers at an early age, and those very impulses which nature has given to perpetuate the race would bring about its destruction.

To prevent such a disaster, woman is endowed with a sense of shame, an invincible modesty, her greatest protection, and her greatest charm. Let her never forget it, never disregard it; for without it she becomes the scorn of her own s.e.x and the jest of the other.

The urgency of man and the timidity of woman are tempered by the period of courtship.

This, as it exists in the United States, is something almost peculiar to Americans. On the continent of Europe, girls are shut up in convents or in seminaries, or are kept strictly under the eyes of their parents until marriage, or, at any rate, betrothal. The liberty usual in America is something unheard-of and inconceivable there. In Spain a duenna, in France some aunt or elderly cousin, in Germany some similar person, makes it her business to be present at every interview which a young lady has with an admirer. He never dreams of walking, driving, or going out of an evening with her alone. It is taken for granted that, should he invite her for such a purpose, the mother or aunt is included in the party. They would look on the innocent freedom of American girls as simply scandalous.

We have had opportunities to see society in these various countries, and have failed to perceive that the morality of either s.e.x is at all superior to what it is with us, while the effect of cloister-like education on young women is to weaken their self-reliance, and often prepare them for greater extravagances when marriage gives them liberty.

With us, the young woman is free until her wedding day. After that epoch, she looks forward to withdrawing more or less from society, and confining her thoughts to family matters. In France, Spain, or Italy, in the wealthier cla.s.ses, precisely the contrary is the rule. Marriage brings deliverance from an irksome espionage and numberless fetters; it is the avenue to a life in public and independent action. How injurious to domestic happiness this is, can readily be imagined.

It is true that the liberty of American girls occasionally leads to improprieties. But, except in certain great cities, such instances are rare. The safeguards of virtue are knowledge and self-command, not duennas and _jalousies_. Let mothers properly instruct their daughters, and they need have no apprehension about their conduct.

The period of courtship is one full of importance. A young woman of unripe experience must decide from what she can see of a man during the intercourse of a few months, whether he will suit her for a life-companion. She has no knowledge of human nature; and what would it avail her if she had, when at such a time a suitor is careful only to show his eligible traits? 'Go a-courting,' said old Dr Franklin, in his homely language, 'in your everyday clothes.' Not one man out of a thousand is honest enough to take his advice.

It is useless for her to ask aid of another. She must judge for herself.

What, then, is she to do?

There is a mysterious instinct in a pure-minded woman which is beyond all a.n.a.lysis,--a tact which men do not possess, and do not readily believe in. At such a crisis this instinct saves her. She feels in a moment the presence of a base, unworthy nature. An unconscious repulsion is manifest in her eye, her voice. Where a suitor is not a man of low motive, but merely quite incongruous in temper and disposition, this same instinct acts, and the man, without being able to say just why, feels that he is laboring in vain. If he blindly insists in his wooing, he has no one to chide but himself when he is finally discarded.

But if the man is worthy, and suitable, does this blessed instinct whisper the happy news with like promptness to the maiden's soul? Ah!

that raises another issue. It brings us face to face with that difficult question of

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

Jung Stilling, a German author of note, a religious enthusiast, and full of queer fancies, was, when young, a tutor in a private family. On one occasion his employer took him to a strange house, and introduced him to a roomful of company. Stilling had not contemplated marriage; but, in the company, he saw, for the first time, a young woman who he felt was his destined wife. Walking across the room, he addressed her with the utmost simplicity, telling her that an inward monitor advised him that she, of all womankind, was his predestined helpmeet. She blushed, was confused, but presently confessed that she had experienced the same conviction on first beholding him. They married, and the most curious part of the tale remains to tell,--it is, that they proved a happy, well-matched couple.

We do not advise others to follow their example. Not many souls are capable of such reciprocity. Choosing an a.s.sociate for life is too serious a business to be made the affair of a moment. Reason, reflection, thought, prayer,--these are aids in such a momentous question not to be lightly thrown aside. Many a pa.s.sing fancy, many an evanescent preference, catches for a moment the new-fledged affections.

But for the long and tedious journey of life we want a love rooted in knowledge.

We are not blind to the fact, that often from the first interview the maiden feels an undefined spell thrown around her by him who will become her husband. She feels differently in his presence; she watches him with other eyes than she has for the rest of men. She renders no account to herself of this emotion; she attempts no a.n.a.lysis of it; she does not acknowledge to herself that it exists. No matter. Sooner or later, if true to herself, she will learn what it is, and it will be a guide in that moment, looked forward to with mingled hopes and fears, when she is asked to decide on the destiny, the temporal and eternal destiny, of two human lives.

That she may then decide aright, and live free from the regrets of a false step at this crisis of life, we shall now rehea.r.s.e what medical science has to say about

HOW TO CHOOSE A HUSBAND.

'Choose well. Your choice is Brief, and yet endless.'

Woman holds as an inalienable right, in this country, the privilege of choice. It is not left to notaries, or parents, to select for her, as is the custom in some other parts of the world.

First comes the question of relationship. A school-girl is apt to see more of her cousins than of other young men. Often some of them seek at an early hour to inst.i.tute a far closer tie than that of blood. Is she wise to accept it?