The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers Volume Ii Part 42

_Head-quarters of the Army of Accomac, Foot of the Blue Ridge._

MY CHILDREN:

An order from the Honest Abe divorces us, and gives the command of all these attached beings to Major-General Wobert Wobinson. (Heartrending and enthusiastic cheers.)

In parting with you, I cannot express how much I love your dear bosoms.

As an army, you have grown from youth to old age under my care. In you I have never found doubt nor coldness, nor anything else. The victories you have won under my command will live in the nation's works of fiction. The strategy we have achieved, the graves of many unripe Mackerels, the broken forms of those disabled by the Emanc.i.p.ation Proclamation--the strongest a.s.sociations that can exist among men--still make it advisable that you should vote for me as President of the United States in 1865. Thus we shall ever be comrades in supporting the Const.i.tution, and making the Const.i.tution support us.

THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.

[Green Seal.]

It was while this affecting doc.u.ment was being read to the Army, my boy, that a procession of political chaps with banners and a small cannon, landed from a boat on Awlkwyet River, and came filing affably into camp. Only pausing to insult two correspondents of the _Tribune_, and to fire the cannon so close to a farmhouse that it broke all the windows, these pleasant chaps at once organized a meeting and gave orders that all fighting should be postponed till after the session.

The Hon. Mr. X. Stream proceeded to say that he considered Mr. Lincoln a strictly honest, upright, able, and n.o.ble-hearted man (cheers); but it could not be denied that his Administration was a wretched failure--a blending of brutal imbecility with h.e.l.lish despotism. (Much enthusiasm). While it continued so, everything in the stock-market would go up--_up_--UP! until the bubble burst. The General of the Mackerel Brigade had been removed (universal sobbing) but it was only that he might shine the brighter before a Democratic Convention in 1865.

The Hon. Prince Van Brumagen next spoke. Undoubtedly, he would be called a traitor for what he was about to say, but he was accustomed to that sort of talk from every one who knew him. He wished to see this war vigorously pushed forward; but he could never consent to see violence offered to men who only warred against us because they were mistaken. Our Southern friends had imagined that the Abolitionists wanted to prevent their enjoyment of the pursuit of happiness which was guaranteed to them by the Const.i.tution. They were mistaken, and seceded. The Union as it was had pa.s.sed away from us, but was undoubtedly somewhere on the Globe; and as the Globe was constantly revolving, we had only to stand still, and it would come round again to us in due time.

The Hon. Fernando Fuel next undressed his thoughts to the meeting. As proprietor of the City of New York, which he had frequently bought, he protested against the removal of the General of the Mackerel Brigade at this inclement season of the year. The idolized General was beloved even by the Rebels, and his own devoted troops had cheered even louder when parting with him, if possible, than when he had first come among them.

Here the speaker was interrupted by a chap who suddenly touched off the cannon and simultaneously unfurled a new banner. Borrowing a piece of smoked gla.s.s, I looked through it at the dazzling standard, and read upon its eloquent folds:

REGULAR HIGH-MORAL NOMINATIONS!

FOR THE SENATE IMMEDIATELY; AND FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN 1865.

THE (LATE) GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.

Observe, my boy, this simple rule, to make a hero of a fool:

Just keep him where he is, until his lack of wisdom, want of Skill, attract unto his banner those who, from perverseness, _will_ have foes.

Then freely make his dullness known; and when you'd cast him from his throne, you'll find become _his_ followers true, all men who seek a feud with _you_. To serve the always-malcontent, and give their spleen a chance for vent, a knave, a dunce, a stump! would do as well, my boy, as I, or you.

When cats and politicians quarrel, "use any cat's-paw", is the moral.

Yours, sagely, ORPHEUS C. KERR.