The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers Volume I Part 28

"'I guess, Major, you're took putty bad.'

"Zeb gave his phizog another twist, an' says he:

"'You'd better believe it, squire. I've got corns on them ere feet of mine that'd make a preacher swear, and them butes pinch like all tarnation.'

"I see right off how the smoke was blowin', and says I:

"'Off with 'em, Zeb! We're all in the family, and won't mind you.'

"That was all the old he-one was waitin' fur; and as quick as I said it, he had one of that modest gal's feet in his hand, and twisted off the bute in a twinklin'!! We all see a perfect Wenus of a foot, and a golfired ankle, and then it was jerked away quicker'n a flash, and the critter screamed like a rantankerous tom-cat with his tail under a cheese-knife!

"'Murder!--you nasty thing,' says she, 'give me my bute.'

"With that, me, and Zeb, and the hull bilin' of us roared right out; and says Zeb, says he, as he handed her the bute with a killin'

bow--says he:

"'Young woman, I guess I've taken your modesty, as the wimmen call it, down a peg. You sed them was _my_ butes, and in course I had a right to shed 'em; but ef they're your'n now, why keep 'em to yourself, for ma.s.sy's sake!'

"That settled the gal down some, I tell ye; and it give her such a turn that her putty face was like a rose when we stopt at the Red Tavern."

We were so much pleased with this story, my boy, that we entreated the opponent of mock modesty to spin us another.

"Well, feller citizens," says he, "I don't mind if I do tell ye about

"A JOFIRED WAGON-TRADE

"I onct made down in Texas. You see I was doin' a right smart chance of trade down in that deestrict with clocks, fur caps, Ingin meal, and other necessaries of life; and onct in a while I went it blind on a spekullation, when there was a chance to get a bargain, and pay fifty per cent. on a stiff swindle. They was an old chap of a half breed they called Uncle Johnny, down there, and somehow he got wind of my pertikler cuteness, and he guessed he could run a pretty sharp saw on me, if he only got a sight.

"I heerd he was after me, and thinks I 'you'll get a roastin', my boy, ef you pick up this hot-chestnut;' but I was consated beyond my powers then, and he was jist one huckleberry above my tallest persimmon. We c.u.m together one night at Bill Crown's tavern, and the fust thing the old cuss said was:

"'Jerewsalem crickets! I'm like a fellow jist out of a feather bed and no mistake. I tell ye that 'ere wagging uv mine rides jist about as slick as a railroad of grease, and if it warn't so allfired big, I wouldn't sell it for its weight in Orleans bank notes.'

"I kinder thought I smelt a putty big bed-bug; but I glimpsed outer the door, and there stood the wagon under the shed, and lookin'

orful temptin'. It war a big four wheel consarn, with a canvas top, and about as putty a consarn for family use as ever I sot my winkers on. Thinks I:

"'You don't fetch me this time, hoss; for I'll be jist a neck ahead of you!'

"So I stood a minit, and then says I:

"'Without lookin' nor nuthin', Uncle Johnny, I'll jest give you $50 for that 'ere hea.r.s.e.'

"He kinder blinked around, and says he:

"'I'd rather sell my grandmother; but the consarn's yourn, cunnel.

Show yer hand.'

"He was too willin' to suit me; but the game was outer cover, and I wouldn't back down. So I give him the rags, and went out to look at my bargain. Would you 'bleave it, the old varmint had jist fetched that ere wagon down to the shed, and sot it up end on, so that I didn't see how the fore-wheels wasn't thar! Fact! They had marvelled, and the fore-axles was restin' on two hitchin' stakes: Jist as I got through cussin,' I heerd a jofired larfin, and thar was the robber and his friends standin' in the door, splittin'

their sides at me. Thinks I, 'I went cheap, then, my beauty; but look out for a hail-storm when the wind's up next time.' I borreyed a horse, and took that ar bargain to my shanty; and then I sot down and went to thinkin'. Fur two days I war as melancholy as a chicken in gooseberry time, tryin' to hit some plan to get even with the cuss. All to onct somethin' struck me, and I felt better. Ye see there was great talk down thar jist then, about the doctor's gig what they heard tell on, but not a one was there in the hull deestrict. I'd seen one up in York, and thinks I, 'Ef I don't make a doctor's two-wheeler outer that ere wagon, then bleed me to death with a oyster-knife!' So I jist got a big saw, and went to work quiet like, and cut that ere wagon right in two in the middle--cover and all. Then I took the shafts and fastened them onto the hind part, and rigged up a dash-board. And then I took part of the cut-off piece for a seat, and painted the hull thing with black paint; and dod-rot me if ef I didn't hev a doctor's gig as rantankerous as you please! I knew it would fetch a thunderin'

price fur its novelty to any one; but I was after Uncle Johnny, and n.o.body else. One night I druv down to the tavern at a tearin' rate, and the fust feller I see was hisself, a standin' in the door, and sippin' kill-me-quick. He was kinder took down when he see me comin' it so piert in my new two-wheeler, and some of his friends inside axed him what was the matter. He kept as still as a mouse in a pantry until I come up, and then says he:

"'What's that ere concern of yourn, hoss?'

"Says I:

"'It's one of them doctor's flyers as I'd rather ride in it than in Queen Victory's bang-up, A, No. 1, stage-coach. It's a scrouger.'

"He kinder stuck a minute, and then says he:

"'What'll ye take for it, hoss?'

"I made out as though I didn't keer, and says I:

"'It was sent to me by a cousin up in York, and I don't keer to sell; but yer may take it for $250.'

"He turned green about the gills at that, and says he:

"'Say $100, and I'll take it with my eyes shut.'

"'It's yourn,' says I. 'Give us the rags.'

"He smelt a bug that time; but it was too late; so he forked out the rale stuff, and then went to look at the two-wheeler.

"'Thunder!' says he, blinkin' at the seat. 'I've seen that afore, or my name isn't what my father's wus!'

"'Better 'blieve it,' says I; 'that's your four-wheeler shaved down to the very latest York-fashion.'

"Then he _did_ cuss; but twarn't no use. The trade was a trade, and all the boys larfed till their tongues hung out. I treated all round, and as I left 'em, says I:

"'Uncle Johnny, when ye want to trade agin, jist pick out a grindstun that isn't too hard for yer blade.'"

At the conclusion of this tale of real life I returned to the city, my boy; impressed with the conviction that the purpose of the sun's rising in the East is to give the New Englanders the first chance to monopolize the supply, should daylight ever be a sailable article.

Yours, admiringly,

ORPHEUS C. KERR.

LETTER x.x.xV.

GIVING PRACTICAL ILl.u.s.tRATION OF MODERN PATRIOTISM, AND CELEBRATING THE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE TO MANa.s.sAS, ETC.

WASHINGTON, D.C., March 14th, 1862.

Patriotism, my boy, is a very beautiful thing. The surgeon of a Western regiment has a.n.a.lyzed a very nice case of it, and says that it is peculiar to this hemisphere. He says that it first breaks out in the mouth, and from thence extends to the heart causing the latter to swell. He says that it goes on raging until it reaches the pocket, when it suddenly disappears, leaving the patient very Const.i.tutional and conservative. "Bless me!" says the surgeon, intently regarding a spoon with a tumbler round it, "if a genuine American ever dies of patriotism it will be because the Tax Bill hasn't been applied soon enough."