The Ontario Readers: The High School Reader, 1886 Part 18

_Lady Teaz._ Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small whey; laces herself by pulleys; and often, in the hottest noon in summer, you may see her on a little squat pony, with her hair plaited up behind like a drummer's, and puffing round the ring on a full trot.

_Mrs. Can._ I thank you, Lady Teazle, for defending her.

_Sir Pet._ Yes, a good defence, truly.

_Mrs. Can._ Truly, Lady Teazle is as censorious as Miss Sallow.

_Crab._ Yes, and she is a curious being to pretend to be censorious--an awkward thing, without any one good point under the sun.

_Mrs. Can._ Positively you shall not be so very severe. Miss Sallow is a near relation of mine by marriage, and, as for her person, great allowance is to be made; for, let me tell you, a woman labors under many disadvantages who tries to pa.s.s for a girl of six-and-thirty.

_Lady Sneer._ Though, surely, she is handsome still--and for the weakness in her eyes, considering how much she reads by candlelight, it is not to be wondered at.

_Mrs. Can._ True, and then as to her manner; upon my word I think it is particularly graceful, considering she never had the least education; for you know her mother was a Welsh milliner, and her father a sugar-baker at Bristol.

_Sir Ben._ Ah! you are both of you too good-natured!

_Sir Pet._ Yes, distressingly good-natured! This their own relation!

Mercy on me! [_Aside._

_Mrs. Can._ For my part, I own I cannot bear to hear a friend ill-spoken of.

_Sir Pet._ No, to be sure!

_Sir Ben._ Oh! you are of a moral turn. Mrs. Candour and I can sit for an hour and hear Lady Stucco talk sentiment.

_Lady Teas._ Nay, I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the dessert after dinner; for she's just like the French fruit one cracks for mottoes--made up of paint and proverb.

_Mrs. Can._ Well, I will never join in ridiculing a friend; and so I constantly tell my cousin Ogle, and you all know what pretensions she has to be critical on beauty.

_Crab._ Oh, to be sure! she has herself the oddest countenance that ever was seen; 'tis a collection of features from all the different countries of the globe.

_Sir Ben._ So she has, indeed--an Irish front----

_Crab._ Caledonian locks----

_Sir Ben._ Dutch nose----

_Crab._ Austrian lips----

_Sir Ben._ Complexion of a Spaniard----

_Crab._ And teeth _a la Chinoise_.

_Sir Ben._ In short, her face resembles a _table d'hote_ at Spa--where no two guests are of a nation----

_Crab._ Or a congress at the close of a general war--wherein all the members, even to her eyes, appear to have a different interest, and her nose and chin are the only parties likely to join issue.

_Mrs. Can._ Ha! ha! ha!

_Sir Pet._ Mercy on my life!--a person they dine with twice a week! [_Aside._

_Mrs. Can._ Nay, but I vow you shall not carry the laugh off so--for give me leave to say that Mrs. Ogle----

_Sir Pet._ Madam, madam, I beg your pardon--there's no stopping these good gentlemen's tongues. But when I tell you, Mrs. Candour, that the lady they are abusing is a particular friend of mine, I hope you'll not take her part.

_Lady Sneer._ Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter! but you are a cruel creature--too phlegmatic yourself for a jest, and too peevish to allow wit in others.

_Sir Pet._ Ah, madam, true wit is more nearly allied to good nature than your ladyship is aware of.

_Lady Teas._ True, Sir Peter; I believe they are so near akin that they can never be united.

_Sir Ben._ Or rather, suppose them man and wife, because one seldom sees them together.

_Lady Teaz._ But Sir Peter is such an enemy to scandal, I believe he would have it put down by parliament.

_Sir Pet._ Positively, madam, if they were to consider the sporting with reputation of as much importance as poaching on manors, and pa.s.s an act for the preservation of fame, as well as game, I believe many would thank them for the bill.

_Lady Sneer._ Why! Sir Peter; would you deprive us of our privileges?

_Sir Pet._ Ay, madam; and then no person should be permitted to kill characters and run down reputations but qualified old maids and disappointed widows.

_Lady Sneer._ Go, you monster!

_Mrs. Can._ But, surely, you would not be quite so severe on those who only report what they hear?

_Sir Pet._ Yes, madam, I would have law merchant for them too; and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the drawer of the lie was not to be found, the injured parties should have a right to come on any of the indorsers.

_Crab._ Well, for my part, I believe there never was a scandalous tale without some foundation.

_Lady Sneer._ Come, ladies, shall we sit down to cards in the next room?

_Enter_ Servant, _who whispers_ Sir Peter.

_Sir Pet._ I'll be with them directly.--[_Exit_ SERVANT.] I'll get away unperceived. [_Aside._

_Lady Sneer._ Sir Peter, you are not going to leave us?

_Sir Pet._ Your ladyship must excuse me; I'm called away by particular business. But I leave my character behind me. [_Exit._

_Sir Ben._ Well--certainly, Lady Teazle, that lord of yours is a strange being: I could tell you some stories of him would make you laugh heartily if he were not your husband.

_Lady Teaz._ Oh, pray, don't mind that; come, do let's hear them. [_Exeunt all but_ JOSEPH SURFACE _and_ MARIA.

_Jos. Surf._ Maria, I see you have no satisfaction in this society.

_Mar._ How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious smiles at the infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never injured us be the province of wit or humor, Heaven grant me a double portion of dulness!

_Jos. Surf._ Yet they appear more ill-natured than they are; they have no malice at heart.