The Onion Presents Part 3

MIT Think-Tank Develops 20 Great Gift Ideas CAMBRIDGE, MA-Twelve math and science professors at a Ma.s.sachusetts Inst.i.tute of Technology think-tank announced their latest brainstorming success Monday: 20 great holiday gift ideas for the co-worker or loved one who seems to have everything. "We dedicated ourselves to solving this most universal of problems," said team leader and biochemistry professor Charles J. Chang, "and we are proud to say we have come up with 20 great solutions." Among the ideas: a T-shirt reading, "It's Not a Beer Gut, It's a Gas Tank For a s.e.x Machine," available at Spencer Gifts; a hand-held electronic golf game from The Sharper Image; and a Corvette-shaped videotape rewinder from the Suncoast Motion Picture Company. "You can rewind your tapes in it," said team member Dr. Phillip Wa.s.serstein. "Most people rewind them in their VCRs, but if you have one of these, you won't have to."

LOCAL.

Man Braves Freezing Weather To Cross Parking Lot LANCASTER, PA-Surmounting treacherous icy pavement and a windchill factor dipping as low as 19 degrees Fahrenheit, local resident Louis Bergstrom survived a real-life battle with the elements Friday when he successfully completed a harrowing four-and-a-half-minute journey across the desolate, frozen parking lot of an area G & G Grocery Store, the 38-year-old court stenographer told reporters.

The cold and unforgiving backdrop of Bergstrom's four-and-a-half-minute bout with death.

According to Bergstrom, with night coming and temperatures dropping rapidly, he was forced to leave his wife, Linda, 37, at the entrance of the supermarket and valiantly set out on his own to retrieve the couple's 2001 Toyota Corolla. Before leaving, Bergstrom solemnly vowed that he would return for his pregnant wife as soon as he possibly could.

Recuperating at home following his struggle with nature's fury, a visibly shaken Bergstrom recounted the look in his wife's eyes at the moment he set out across the barren rows of the parking lot.

"I could see that she was concerned, but I wasn't about to let Linda go out there," a blanket-wrapped Bergstrom said from the safety of his living room couch between sips of hot chocolate. "She'd left her hat at home."

Shivering from the brutal winds, his heart full of determination, Bergstrom encountered the first setback on his grueling 75-meter trek when a sudden gust of wind blew freezing cold snow off an SUV and down his collar, nearly causing him to lose his footing on the slippery pavement. Due to the restrictive nature of his bulky cold-weather gear, several tense seconds pa.s.sed before Bergstrom was able to brush the snow out of his jacket and soldier on.

Bergstrom's next hardship came when he was forced to guide the wheels of his shopping cart through the increasingly slushy terrain. He was eventually left with no choice but to abandon the cart and carry nearly seven pounds of his own groceries in hand for the remainder of the journey, slogging past the lifeless, long-abandoned carts of those who had attempted the perilous journey before him.

"I remember thinking, 'If I stay out here much longer, I'm going to freeze to death,' " Bergstrom said. "It was that cold."

Because the strain of his journey at times caused him to doubt whether he would ever find his car, Bergstrom said he was forced to look inward-drawing strength from past experiences in which he successfully overcame similar extreme conditions. No stranger to long waits on hold for customer service or scaling the heights of the attic stairs with nothing but a box of Christmas decorations, Bergstrom recounted one traumatic ordeal in which he was locked out of his own home during a violent rainstorm for a full 12 minutes before his wife heard him knocking.

However, even with all of his experience, nothing could have prepared Bergstrom for what was in store for him next.

"I thought I saw my car, but it was a different Corolla about seven s.p.a.ces up," remembered Bergstrom, who, upon seeing the similar Toyota, made the near-tragic mistake of removing one of his gloves in order to retrieve his keys and accidentally dropping it beneath the misidentified vehicle.

With visibility limited by blowing snow and the fast-approaching dusk, Bergstrom was forced to leave the glove behind. Summoning all his strength, he quickly reoriented himself, using the brightly lit Blockbuster Video store to the right of the supermarket as a guide, and steadily made his way in the general direction of his car.

After one-and-a-half tense minutes, the Pennsylvania native made the ingenious tactical decision to set down his shopping bags and blow vigorously into his unprotected fingers, providing him with just enough warmth to retrieve his bags and continue on.

"Those final twenty feet were the hardest," Bergstrom said of the journey. "That last thirty seconds felt like an eternity out there."

Chilled to the core, Bergstrom at last reached safety and collapsed exhausted behind the wheel. His survival instincts kicking in, he swiftly put his key into the ignition, turned the heat up "full blast," hit the defrost b.u.t.ton, and waited for the car to warm up. He then set about recouping his energies before undertaking the only remaining task: retrieving his ice sc.r.a.per from the glove compartment and leaving the car one final time to begin the painstaking and risky process of removing the thick layer of ice from the car windows.

Shaken but wiser after the ordeal, Bergstrom said that he is "just glad to be home again," but that, if nothing else, he has learned a valuable life lesson he will not likely forget.

"I don't think I've ever been so cold in my life," Bergstrom said. "I'm parking much closer next time-even if I have to circle that parking lot several times to find a s.p.a.ce."

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Vatican Employees Unable To Relax At Holiday Party With Pope Around VATICAN CITY-According to various cardinals and nuns attending the Vatican's holiday party last night, festivities were made awkward by the unexpected appearance of Pope Benedict XVI. "[Prefect Emeritus] Bernardin [Gantin] was about to bust out his St. Bridget impression, which is just spot on, but then the pope walked over and we quickly changed the subject to the sacred presence of the Holy Spirit during transubstantiation," said a cardinal speaking on the condition of anonymity, adding that Pope Benedict's "way too formal" attire made everyone feel even more ill at ease. "He said he didn't want to talk about work, but guess who was the first one to make a segue from our favorite local restaurants to the Bangorian Controversy with the Church Of England?" Several Vatican employees recalled "the good old days" when Pope John Paul II turned a blind eye to their attempts to get the secretaries drunk playing "Never Have I Ever."

INFOGRAPHIC.

AMERICAN VOICES.

Congress' Pre-Christmas Cuts The House recently voted to cut $1.6 billion in social-program spending right before Christmas. What do you think?

Babette Layton

Police Officer

"Well, isn't this in keeping with the true spirit of Congress?"

Nick Cardy

Web Press Operator

"Christmas is a time for fellowship and good will towards men, not a lot of negativity about who is or isn't able to afford food or heat."

Mike Royer

Furniture Restoration Expert

"Geez, you people are never happy. If the House voted to cut $1.6 billion in social programs in the late spring, you would say they were ruining people's summer."

NEWS.

Out-Of-Control Revelers Deck s.h.i.t Out Of Area Halls AMES, IA-Holiday celebrations took an extreme turn Sat.u.r.day as an unruly mob of out-of-control holiday revelers observed the s.h.i.t out of the Christmas season, violently decking 11 area halls.

The aftermath of Sat.u.r.day's brutal hall-decking spree. The revelers responsible are still at large.

According to police reports, at approximately 9 p.m., after consuming large quant.i.ties of 60-proof eggnog, the frenzied throng of 40 to 50 revelers broke into the home of Ames resident Milton Krajcek, aggressively decking his halls with wreaths, garlands, ribbons, ceramic nativity scenes, tree ornaments, mistletoe, candy canes, and "s.h.i.tloads" of boughs of holly.

Once their supplies were exhausted, the crazed merrymakers rode in pickup trucks to a local ShopKo outlet to restock, only to return and continue decking the already overburdened halls.

"I begged them to stop," Krajcek said, "but they wouldn't until every last inch of my halls was decked beyond all recognition."

Not satisfied with forcibly festooning Krajcek's halls, the slavering, cheerful horde then turned to those of other locals, posing as holiday carolers to lure residents to their doors.

"I heard an ancient yuletide carol coming from the front porch," said Millicent Slopes, 53, "and was pretty worried because they were really tolling the h.e.l.l out of it. I decided to acknowledge them so that maybe they would leave, but as soon as I opened the door, they poured into my house and went bats.h.i.t on the halls. Look at my halls. I can barely squeeze through there, such was the force and vigor of their decking."

"It was horrible," said Francine Eppard, whose halls were also brutally decorated. "There was tinsel everywhere."

Ames police officials are still searching for the binge revelers. If caught, they will be charged with breaking and entering, reckless and wanton decoration, second-degree festivity, and willful construction of toyland towns around six Christmas trees.

"The sc.u.m who did this will pay," police chief Carl Pfeiffer said. "No punishment could be too severe for perpetrators of this kind of senseless, senseless decking."

The wanted celebrants are described as inebriated suburbanites clad in gay apparel, which they allegedly "donned the holy living f.u.c.k out of," according to Pfeiffer. Added the police chief: "We have reason to believe they may be armed and extremely joyous."

Until the revelers are captured, Pfeiffer warned homeowners not to open their doors for carolers, strongly advising that nuts and cocoa instead be lowered from an upstairs window or pushed through a mail slot.

MAGAZINE.

NEWS.

Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids WASHINGTON, DC-In cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, Wizco Toys of Montclair, NJ, recalled 245,000 Aqua a.s.sault RoboFighters Monday after three dumb kids managed to kill themselves playing with the popular toy, ruining the fun for everybody else.

The Aqua a.s.sault RoboFighter, an awesome toy children can no longer enjoy.

"The tragedy is inconceivable," Wizco president Alvin Ca.s.sidy said. "For years, countless children played with the Aqua a.s.sault RoboFighter without incident. But then these three r.e.t.a.r.ds come along and somehow find a way to get themselves killed. So now we have to do a full recall and halt production on what was a really awesome toy. What a waste."

"My mom won't let me play with my RoboFighter because of those dumb kids who died," said 10-year-old Jeremy Daigle of Somerville, MA. "I used to set up army guys around the RoboFighter and have it run over them and conquer Earth for the Zardaxians. But now I'll never see it again, all because three stupid idiots had to go and wreck everything."

Each of the deaths was determined to be the result of gross misuse of the toy, an incredibly cool device that could shoot both plastic missiles and long jets of water, as well as maneuver over the ground on retractable wheels.

The first death occurred June 22, when 7-year-old Isaac Weiller of Grand Junction, CO, died after deliberately firing one of the spring-loaded plastic missiles into his left nostril. The missile shot into his sinuses, shattering the roof of his nasal cavity and causing a ma.s.sive brain hemorrhage.

Shortly before dying, Weiller told emergency medical personnel at St. Luke's Medical Center that he had shot the missile into his nose in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly b.u.t.ton.

"I've heard some pretty stupid s.h.i.t in my time, but that has to take the cake," said Dr. Anderson Hunt, the attending physician. "Why would any kid think he could fire plastic missiles up his nose and expect them to come out his belly b.u.t.ton? There's no point in feeling bad about this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start. What we should feel bad about is the fact that because of him, millions of other children will no longer get to fire the RoboFighter's super-cool Devastator Missiles or soak their friends with its FunFoam WaterBlasters."

Joshua Schatzeder of Grand Rapids, MI, is forced to play with a boring little fire truck as a result of the recall.

Less than one month after Weiller's death, 5-year-old Danielle Krug fatally suffocated on fragments of the toy after repeatedly smashing it with a claw hammer in the garage of her parents' La Porte, IN, home.

"I'm not kidding," said Dianne Ensor, an emergency-room nurse at Our Lady Of Peace Hospital in La Porte, where Krug was p.r.o.nounced dead. "She thought the broken shards were candy. That's what you'd a.s.sume after breaking a plastic, inedible toy, right? Absolutely un-f.u.c.king-believable."

The third and arguably stupidest death occurred August 12, when 11-year-old dumba.s.s Michael Torres held the RoboFighter above his head and jumped off the balcony of his family's third-story Torrance, CA, apartment, thinking he would be able to fly like Superman.

"A couple of my fellow emergency workers thought we should cut the kid some slack, because at least he wasn't trying to eat the toy or shove it up his nose," said paramedic Debra Lindfors, who tried in vain to revive Torres. "I considered this for a while, but then I decided no. No way. If you're 11 years old, you should know that it's impossible to fly. And poor Wizco's probably going to go bankrupt because of this s.h.i.t."

As a result of the extreme idiocy of the three children, the CPSC was forced to order Wizco to stop making the toy and remove it from store shelves, as well as recommend that parents remove it from their homes.