The Old Debauchees. A Comedy Part 9

_Mart._ This Fellow should be a Jesuit by his Taciturnity. You see, Father, the miserable State of our poor Son.

_Old Lar._ I have advis'd him thereon.

_Mart._ Your Advice is kind, tho' needless. He hath not wanted Prayer, Fasting, nor Castigation, which are proper Physick for him.

_Old Lar._ Or suppose, Father, he was to go to a Ball. What think you of a Ball?

_Mart._ A Ball?

_Old Lar._ Ay, or a Wench now; suppose, we were to procure him a Wench.

_Mart._ Oh! monstrous! Oh! impious!----

_Old Lar._ I only give my Opinion.

_Mart._ Thy Opinion is d.a.m.nable. And thou art some Wolf in Sheep's clothing. Thou art a Scandal to thy Order.

_Old Lar._ I wish thou art not more a Scandal to thine, Brother Father, to abuse a poor old Fellow in a Fit of the Spleen here as thou dost, with a Set of ridiculous Notions of Purgatory and the Devil knows what, when both you and I know there is no such thing.

_Mart._ That I should not know thee before. Don't you know this reverend Father, Son? Your worthy Neighbour _Laroon_.

_Old Lar._ Then farewel, Hypocrisy. I wou'd not wear thy Cloke another Hour for any Consideration.

_Jourd._ What do I see?

_Old Lar._ Why you see a very honest Neighbour of yours, that has try'd to deliver you out of the Claws of a roguish Priest, whom you may see too; look in the Gla.s.s and you may see an old doating Fool, who is afraid of his own Shadow.

_Mart._ Be not concerned at this, Son. Perhaps, one Hour's suffering from this Fellow, may strike off several Years of Purgatory; I have known such Instances.

_Jourd._ Oh! Father! Didst thou know what I have been guilty of believing against thee, from the Mouth of this wicked Man?

_Old Lar._ Death and the Devil, I'll stay no longer here; for if I do, I shall cut this Priest's Throat, tho' the Rack was before my Face.

SCENE VI.

Martin, Jourdain.

_Mart._ Son, take care of believing any thing against the Church: It is as sinful to believe any thing against the Church, as to disbelieve any thing for it. You are to believe what the Church tells you, and no more.

_Jourd._ I almost shudder when I think what I believed against you. I believed that you had seduced my Daughter.

_Mart._ Oh! horrible! and did you believe it? Think not you believed it.

I order you to think you did not believe it, and it were now sinful to believe you did believe it.

_Jourd._ And can I think so.

_Mart._ Certainly. I know what you believe better than you your self do.

However, that your Mind may be cleansed from the least Pollution of Thought--go say over ten Bead-Rolls immediately, go and Peace attend you----

_Jourd._ I am exceedingly comforted within.

SCENE VII.

Martin _solus_.

Go. While I retire and comfort your Daughter. Was this a Suspicion of _Laroon_'s, or am I betrayed? I begin to fear. I'll act with Caution, for I am not able yet to discover whether this Girl be of prodigious Simplicity or Cunning. How vain is Policy, when the little Arts of a Woman are superior to the Wisdom of a Conclave. A Priest may cheat Mankind, but a Woman would cheat the Devil.

SCENE VIII. _The Street._

_Old_ Laroon, _Young_ Laroon _meet_.

_Y. Lar._ Well, Sir, what Success?

_Old Lar._ Success! you Rascal! If ever you offer to put me into a Priest's Skin again, I'll beat you out of your own.

_Y. Lar._ What's the Matter, Sir?

_Old Lar._ Matter, Sir? Why I have been laughed at, have been abused.

'Sdeath! Sir! I am in such a Pa.s.sion, that I do not believe I shall come to my self again these twenty Years. That Rascal _Martin_ discovered me in an Instant, and turned me into a Jest.

_Y. Lar._ Be comforted, Sir, you may yet have the Pleasure of turning him into one.

_Old Lar._ Nothing less than turning him inside out.----Nothing less than broiling his Gizzard will satisfy me.

_Y. Lar._ Come with me, and I dare swear, I'll give your Revenge Content. We have laid a Snare for him, which I think it is impossible he should escape.

_Old Lar._ A Snare for a Priest! a Trap for the Devil! You will as soon catch the one as the other.

_Y. Lar._ I am sure our Bait is good----A fine Woman is as good a Bait for a Priest-trap, as toasted Cheese is for a Mouse-trap.

_Old Lar._ Yes, but the Rascal will nibble off twenty Baits before you can take him.

_Y. Lar._ Leave that to us. I'll warrant our Success.

_Old Lar._ Wilt thou? then I shall have more Pleasure in taking this one Priest, than in all the other wild Beasts I have ever taken.

SCENE IX.

Jourdain, Isabel.

_Isa._ If I don't convince you he's a Villain, renounce me for your Daughter. Do not shut your Ears against Truth, and you shall want no other Evidence.

_Jourd._ Oh, Daughter, Daughter, some Evil Spirit is busy with you. The same Spirit that visited me this Morning, is now in you.