The Nothing Girl Part 37

He pushed my legs apart with his knee, whispered, 'If youre not sure then you have to say now, because in a moment, Im going to be unstoppable. Like a runaway train.

'Thats my Russell the little engine that could.

I could see laughter in his eyes. 'One day we must talk about inappropriate humour.

'We could do it now, if you like.

'Believe me, wife, in ten seconds, you wont be able to talk at all, and this time, for all the right reasons.

He knew what this moment meant. And not just for me. I could feel him, wound as tight as a drum.

'Ready?

'Yes, yes.

His mouth came down on mine. All my senses slid sideways in antic.i.p.ation. I could feel him nudging against me. I stood on the brink ...

Kevin knocked at the door.

'Mr Checkland?

Everything stopped dead.

Russell uttered a milk-curdling curse and then said, in a commendably normal voice. 'What is it, Kevin. Im quite busy in here.

'Mrs Kingdom is here.

'What? Dont just stand there. You know the drill. Lock the doors. Turn out the lights. Everyone on the floor under the kitchen table and pretend were out.

A pause.

'Good afternoon, Russell, said Aunt Julia on the other side of the door.

I try to be a good wife. Sadly ...

I convulsed, curling into a tight ball, hands over my face, shaking with stifled laughter.

Having ascertained that no help whatsoever could be expected from the wife of his bosom, Russell sighed and let his head hang for a moment.

'Good afternoon, Julia.

'There is no need for any special effort from you, Russell. Its Jenny weve come to see. Where is she?

Underneath her husband was the answer to that one. I waited with interest to see would he would say.

'Shes lying down, Julia.

True enough.

'Nevertheless ... and she was using her special voice.

He sighed again and rolled off me. The afternoon felt suddenly chilly.

'Kevin, take Mrs Kingdom downstairs, please. Ill see if Jennys up to receiving visitors.

'Thank you, Russell. And to make things easier for everyone, I shall not depart until I have seen her. I think we both know what that means.

Their footsteps retreated down the stairs.

Russell sighed heavily. 'Sorry, Jenny. Theres something about knowing shes only ten feet away ... Stop laughing and get your clothes on.

Its much more embarra.s.sing putting your clothes back on again. He wiped away a few charcoal smudges from some surprising places and eventually, I was fit for inspection.

He seemed distracted. He was certainly thinking about something else and I was just in time to stop him going downstairs with his T-shirt inside out and back to front.

He paused at the top of the stairs and turned to me as if to say something. I always remember that moment. Whatever it was never got said. He grasped my wrist and we made our way downstairs. And yes, Francesca was there too, because things just werent bad enough without her. She looked tall and stunning. I did not have that just-ravished glow. I had no idea what was about to happen. Id like to say some sort of instinct warned me, but it didnt. I had no idea my world was about to end.

Russell sat me down and wandered off into the kitchen.

Aunt Julia, as usual, wasted no time. 'Jenny, I want you to pack a bag and come back with me, please. Francesca will help.

This was obviously news to Francesca who looked less than delighted about the packing, I a.s.sumed, not me leaving Russell.

'No, thank you, Aunt Julia. Im fine here.

'How can you say that? I told you that animal was dangerous. I told you something like this would happen. Jenny, youve been hospitalised.

Oh G.o.d, she was starting to talk in italics. That was never good. I tried to think of something soothing. Not that I was sure Id be able to get it out.

It didnt matter. Russell returned and added his contribution to the discussion.

'Maybe you should think about it, Jenny. Im sick to death of your family turning up and b.i.t.c.hing every time you break a fingernail. Im trying to work here, and Im sick of the sight and sound of them.

That brought the conversation to an emergency halt and while everyone was working out an appropriate response, the telephone rang and Mrs Crisp wheeled in a proper tea trolley. Cups, saucers, sugar tongs, the lot.

Russell went to help her. 'Jenny, can you get the phone?

Aunt Julia made a supreme effort to speak calmly. 'Jenny finds it difficult to speak on the telephone.

'Speak into the end with the holes, wife.

I pulled a face which hurt lifted the phone, took a deep breath and said, 'h.e.l.lo?

Daniel Palmer said, 'Oh good, its you, Jenny.

I managed, 'h.e.l.lo, Daniel, and felt quite proud.

'Look, Ive got some exciting news. You remember that idea we discussed? Ages ago. About Elizabeth Tudor and Mary Stuart? Well, it looks like it might be a goer. Can we get together sometime? To talk about it? If you want to, that is.

Everything else flew right out of my head.

'Yes, yes, Id love to. That is so and stopped, because I couldnt think of a word.

'Exciting, he finished for me, laughing. 'So, when and where?

'Well, Im only just out of hospital ...

'Oh G.o.d, I forgot. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I just wanted to tell you ...

'No, its fine. Could you come to dinner? ... Tomorrow night? I glanced at Mrs Crisp, who nodded.

'Yes, I can. At least, I think I can. Ill have to check with Francesca.

'Shes right here, I said, glad to be able to drop her in it. 'Just a minute.

I pa.s.sed the phone to Francesca who was only about six inches away and obviously dying to know why her husband wanted to talk to me, of all people.

I left her to it and joined Aunt Julia at the window. Obviously unwilling to be left anywhere near Russell Checkland in case she caught something, she was studying his plan of our garden.

'This is pretty, she said, the words possibly choking her, but determined to give credit where it was due.

'Russell did it. Thats how the garden will look, I said, turning it so it oriented with the view through the French doors. 'Roses, peonies, foxgloves, geraniums all the summer flowers with hundreds of daffodils in the spring and lots of autumn colour too.

'It will be a lot of work, she said, severely, no doubt thinking of her own immaculate and never-changing heather and conifer desolation.

'Come and drink your tea before it gets cold, said Russell and we all trooped back and sat down. Francesca nodded at me the dinner was on. I wondered when she last actually spoke to me and couldnt remember.

I told Mrs Crisp there would be an extra two for dinner tomorrow and picked up my cup and saucer.

My recollection is that everything happened in slow motion and in enormous detail, but of course, that couldnt be so.

I sat back with my tea and from behind me, Mrs Crisp reached over my shoulder, said, 'You dont want to drink that, madam. Its cold, took it off me and carried it out of the room.

I didnt get it. I didnt get it at all. I sat staring at the place where my tea had been and could think of nothing more useful than she called me madam.

And then I got it. People say their world came tumbling down but mine was ripped apart. Much more sudden and much more painful. I realised suddenly what shed done and why. I looked across at Russell, sitting opposite, who returned my stare with an expression of stone. The laughing magic of last night, this afternoon, this last nine months might never have happened.

The realisation hit me like a train. It was Russell. It had been Russell all along. Id got it completely wrong. I thought I was so clever and I was wrong. I thought I had it all worked out that it had been them, but I had been wrong. I really was as stupid as everyone thought I was. Id been so proud of myself. And I was wrong, wrong, wrong. With no Thomas to guide me, Id got it all everything completely and totally wrong. I was stupid after all. Stupid enough to believe ... Stupid, stupid, Jenny Dove.

I slowly came back to the real world to find I wasnt the only one sitting like a frozen statue.

Aunt Julia stared at me in genuine horror. Her hand covered her mouth. Her eyes wide in shock and alarm. Ill never forget the expression on her face. Slowly, she dragged her eyes from me to Russell.

Who hadnt moved either. He still looked at me. Even when Aunt Julia breathed, 'Russell, his gaze never faltered. I looked in vain for some emotion from him, annoyance, anger, fear even. I waited for him to speak. To defend himself. To do something. Anything. The whole universe had stopped. No sound. No movement. Everything waited on Russell Checkland.

Francesca hurriedly put down her tea and pushed it away from her, seeking to distance herself from it and him.

Her movement broke the spell. He stood up suddenly and without a word, left the room. I heard him speak to Mrs Crisp in the kitchen. I heard his Land Rover start up. I heard him roar off down the lane and then he was gone.

Chapter Fourteen.

I couldnt push past it. The same words clattered around inside my head. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I couldnt speak. I couldnt even think properly. I know people spoke to me, but their voices were lost before they reached me. I withdrew into a close, tight little world. The place where I lived before Thomas came. Where I was safe.

I didnt move all afternoon. I stared at the fire and thought about how stupid Id been. How stupid I was. Stupid and wrong. And conceited too. How could I think that anyone as handsome, charming, or gifted as Russell Checkland would even look at someone like me? How easily had he talked me into marriage and talked me out of divorce. And just to reinforce his control over stupid Jenny Dove, a little casual s.e.x, just because he could. Just to make her worship him a little more than she already did. I stared unseeingly as hot, humiliating, soul-searing shame rolled over me in waves when I thought about how easy Id made things for him.

Every now and then, my brain made a tiny effort to get to grips to try and work things out but always, always, I saw that arm come over my shoulder. To take away my tea and end the stupid fools paradise in which I had immersed myself.

It was Russell. It had always been Russell. Russell had slipped something into my tea while everyone was away talking on the phone or looking out of the window. And if Mrs Crisps conscience hadnt got the better of her ... Mrs Crisp, who maybe didnt want to be responsible for the death of another Mrs Checkland.

I dont know how she got rid of my aunt, but she did. I think Aunt Julia couldnt wait to get away. If shed told me again to pack a bag and go with her then I would probably have done so. But she wasnt given the opportunity. Mrs Crisp had the pair of them out of the door barely minutes after Russell had left.

They never left me alone for a second. Mrs Crisp brought in her cookery books and sat at the table putting together a menu for tomorrow night. I didnt know why she was bothering. After shed gone, Sharon came in and pretended to dust. Then Kevin, sitting at the table by the window, quietly reading a book. Then Mrs Crisp again with an omelette. Then Sharon with a cup of tea. Then I went to bed. Then I got up to let the cat in. Then I lay awake for most of the night, desolate and empty, listening to the clock downstairs chiming the night away.

Russell didnt come home. I wondered if he ever would again. Maybe he would just keep going and never come back. Id live here for a few weeks longer and then my aunt and uncle would swoop down, pack everything up, and back Id go. As if the last nine months had never happened.

I found I didnt care.

The next morning was awful. Everyone seemed to have made a pact to carry on as if nothing had happened. At breakfast, Mrs Crisp showed me her proposed menu: smoked salmon pte, my favourite lamb and apricot stew, and lemon tart. I nodded. She could have said stewed mud and sawdust and I would still have nodded.

They kept me busy. I turned Boxer and Marilyn out into their field, spent some time with Thomas, polished gla.s.ses and cutlery, and helped lay the table. We were eating in the big, dreary dining-room. It seemed appropriate. Mid-morning, the phone rang. Aunt Julia and Uncle Richard had invited themselves as well. Mrs Crisp swore, and at that moment, Russell walked back in and told her Andrew and Tanya were coming too.

She had her revenge. She handed him a shopping list and told him not to bother coming back if he didnt get everything on it, which kept him nicely out of everyones way.

They let me go eventually. I wandered upstairs to my bedroom. My refuge. Despite all Thoma.s.s best efforts, still my safe haven.

At the door, however, I paused and looked up the pa.s.sage to Russells room. Id only been in it once. I was never likely to enter it again. Curiosity got the better of me. I climbed the little stair, opened his door, and stepped inside.

His bed was made. Of course, he hadnt slept in it last night. I could smell brush cleaner and aftershave and a very faint whiff of horse. Very Russell. A pair of jeans hung over the back of a chair. Three shoes, all different, had been kicked around the room. A battered paperback lay open and face down on the bed. The picture of his mother still stood on the chest of drawers.

The last time Id been in here, the walls had been bare, but now, six or seven sketches were stuck here and there. Some were no more than a collection of lines, two looked finished.

Uncomfortably aware I was spying, I inched closer. Pictures of me reading, staring into s.p.a.ce, a profile ... pictures of me. Gently, delicately rendered. It was almost a physical shock. Id never sat for him; He must have done these from memory. Why?

I had no idea ... On the other hand, Id missed so much over the last months that this one more thing hardly made any difference. Wed already established I was stupid it was only the depths of my stupidity that remained to be ascertained.

A slight sound on the stairs had me bolting in guilty fright. I gained my own room and closed the door behind me. When my heart rate returned to acceptable levels, I curled up on the window seat, picked up my book, held it in front of me like a shield, stopped being stupid, and really, really started to think properly.

Mrs Crisp brought me a cup of tea just as the afternoon started to draw in. There was nothing for me to do downstairs. I was to concentrate on getting ready. She seemed surprisingly brisk and cheerful, given events over the last twenty-four hours.

I didnt make any huge effort with my appearance. Why should I? Those days were done. I changed into clean trousers, a white top, a warm grey waterfall cardigan, and a pair of black boots. An outfit that made me feel warm and secure. I fastened on my pretty watch for good luck. And to send a message.