The Nothing Girl Part 31

What?

'When he comes back from wherever he is, she grinned at me, but not unkindly, 'can you give him this?

She pulled out an envelope with Kevins name on the front and put it on the table.

'His step-dads gone. Arrested him myself, she said, displaying a certain satisfaction. I was certain telephone directories had been involved. 'His mums been ringing round his friends. She traced him as far as Rushford and then he dropped out of sight so she asked us to have a go. It wasnt hard. In fact I wish they were all this easy. Youre quite high profile here, you know. So if you could just see he gets that.

'Dont you want to see him and give it to him yourself?

'No, no need. Ive just popped in on my way somewhere else. Good afternoon.

Russell, just for once, didnt see the funny side.

'Well, you should have been here yourself, then, I said, somewhat snappily.

There was a pause and then he said, 'Arent you going to ask where I was?

'No.

'You really havent got the hang of this being a wife business at all, have you?

'Theres never anyone around to practise on.

He looked as if he might say something and then caught sight of the envelope. 'Whats this?

'She brought a message for Kevin. From his mum. His step-dads gone and I think his mum might want him back.

I began to struggle to my feet, picked up the envelope, and set off in search of Kevin.

Who stared at the envelope for a long time.

'I expect youd like some privacy, I said, tugging at Russell, who was a bit of a stranger to the concept of privacy. Fortunately he was still brooding over my brush with The Law and put up no resistance.

Kevin disappeared. I saw Mrs Crisp watching Sharon. Russell was watching me. I thought I might go and have a bit of a lie-down. I needed to talk some of this over with Thomas. I needed another point of view.

Russell insisted on helping me up the stairs.

'Im not sure that was the wisest thing to do, said Thomas, as I lowered myself into the window seat. ' In fact I dont think its a good idea to be alone with him at all at the moment.

'I know, I said, 'but I dont think even Im going to fall down the stairs twice running. Besides, I have you to look after me.

Something in his silence made me look up.

'Dont I?

He still didnt answer. I felt again that cold hand of premonition, 'Dont I?

He went to stand in his usual place in the corner. He still didnt speak.

I said in a whisper, 'Thomas?

He looked across the room at me and I could see he was crying. All the old familiar fears came flooding back. Everything clenched. I felt the blood drain from my face, leaving it stiff and cold.

I said again, 'Thomas?

Finally, he looked up. Two long, dark, tear stains ran down his face. I hadnt realised, but I was crying too.

'Thomas, are you leaving me? and waited to hear him say, 'Of course not. Im here for as long as you need me, because that was what he always said and it was certain that I never needed him more than now.

He sighed heavily. 'I have to go.

I panicked.

'No you mustnt, and struggled to stand up. I think I thought if I could just get my arms around him then I could somehow physically restrain him; stop him somehow, anyhow, from leaving me.

He said, 'No, dont. Youll hurt yourself, but I didnt care. I ran as fast as I could and put both arms round his neck. He lowered his head and breathed into my hair and for the first time ever, it didnt work.

We were both crying.

Eventually, he said, ' Stop. Jenny, please stop. Youll make yourself ill. Please, sit down. Sit here on the bed. I promise I wont leave if you let go. Please, lets not hurt each other now.

So I slowly let go and sat on the end of the bed. He stood very close and I reached out to touch him. If I could just keep hold of him ... in every sense of the word.

'All right now? he said. 'Are you able to speak?

I swallowed and nodded, determined to be calm.

'Jenny, the time has come for me to go. You dont need me any more.

Calm flew out of the window. 'Yes, I do. You know I do. Ill always need you. How can you go? How can you go now? You know whats going on. How can you say I dont need you? You cant leave me. Thomas you cant go. You mustnt go. I cant do this by myself. Thomas, please.

'Shhh, he said, gently and the smell of warm ginger biscuits filled the room again. ' Hush, Jenny, youll make yourself ill.

'I am ill, I sobbed, fear and anger roiling around inside me. 'Im ill and Im hurt and Im in trouble and youre leaving me.

I got no reply. Shaking my hair off my face I could see he was crying as hard as I was. I rubbed my nose on my sleeve and gently reached to wipe his tears away.

'If this is hurting you so much then why are you doing it?

He thought for a while. ' I came to you when you were a child. A confused, frightened child who needed a friend. Ive stayed with you all these years as your friend. And we are, Jenny, were good friends. You are very dear to me.

' But now, you dont need me any more. No, no, dont say anything just yet. You really dont need me to tell you what to do. Just recently, youve married, stolen a donkey, listened to and helped poor Mrs Crisp, seen off a bully, rescued a cat, and stood your ground with your husband. And now, young Kevin is sorting himself out and youll help with that as well. Its true, Jenny, you dont need me to tell you what to do these days. You can decide and do these things for yourself. Youve outgrown me.

'How can you say that? You know whats happening here. How could you leave now, of all times? How can you leave me to face this alone?

' But youre not alone any more. Youre positively festooned with people and animals who wish you well. You can cope with whatever comes your way, Jenny. You always do. You must have noticed.

'But youre my friend. Weve been together for so long. You cant just go.

'I can and I must.

'Must? Why must you go? I need you here.

He said sadly, 'You think you do, but you dont. And as for "must"... Do you remember when we met?

'Vividly.

'You were so distressed. Do you remember?

I nodded.

' Somewhere ... somewhere theres a little boy. Hes six. Hes hiding in a cupboard and theyre looking for him. Do you understand now why I must go?

I was too choked to speak. I could understand. I did understand. But he was my Thomas. My dear friend. And still my only friend. Hed been my constant companion since I was thirteen. Hed protected me from the bullies at school, kept me calm when things overwhelmed me, guided me, laughed with me, brought me joy. I remembered his excitement and enthusiasm in the big DIY store and again in the art shop. I remembered his kindness, his strength. I saw him running across the moors, golden and beautiful.

And free.

He read my thoughts.

' You do understand, dont you? I know you do. Youre my Jenny. Youve grown up to be an exceptional young woman and Im so proud of you.

He paused.

'Were not supposed to have favourites, but youre the favourite I havent got. Dont forget me, Jenny.

As if I ever could.

'Youre going now? Right this minute?

'Yes, I have to. Its always easier not to draw this out.

I was crying again, struggling with this thunderbolt. Only a couple of hours ago, wed been watching TV together. How could this be happening? I stood and wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his hard neck, smelling the smell of him.

'Jenny, you have to release me.

'You mean, if I dont, you cant go?

'Thats right. You have to let me go.

I tightened my grip. 'I wont.

'Jenny, I have to go. Theyre very close. Someone once released me so I could come to you. Now its your turn.

I didnt want to, but I couldnt disappoint him. Not now. Not at the very end. I lowered my arms and stepped back. He dropped his head and nuzzled my hair. I smelled warm ginger biscuits for the last time. No words would come.

'Jenny ...?

I closed my eyes and said the words that would send him away.

'I release you.

'Farewell, Jenny, my dear friend.

'Goodbye Thomas. Dont forget me.

'Never.

His voice was just a sigh.

He was fading. I could see the outline of the wardrobe behind him.

He disappeared.

The ginger biscuit smell lingered a little longer and then that too was gone.

I thought my world had ended.

Russell tapped on the door. Then again, a little harder. Then gave it a good thump.

'Jenny? I know youre in there. Can I come in?

I waited for Thomas to say something. A silence that was never going to be broken dragged on.

The door opened slowly. 'Jenny?

This was not going to be a good day for speaking.

He swiftly crossed the room. 'Whats happened?

It wasnt until he put his arm around me and made me stop that I realised I was sitting, knees drawn up, rocking backwards and forwards. Cla.s.sic grief and shock.

He must have seen hed get nothing from me. He crossed to the door and shouted for Mrs Crisp and the next thing I was covered in a blanket and clutching a gla.s.s with a small amount of brandy in the bottom.

Voices came and went, but not the voice I so wanted to hear. I tuned them all out and spent some time not thinking of anything at all. When I finally returned to this world, unsure where Id been, it was nearly dark. Russell was sitting by the bed.

I watched him for a while, still for once, rumpled and shadowed. And more vulnerable than he knew. Even as I looked he opened his eyes. His hands were nearly as cold as mine. I tried for a smile, but not today.

'Do you need a doctor?

I moved my head slightly. No.

He took a breath. 'Shall I fetch your aunt?

No.

'Tanya?

No. the one person in all the world I really wanted to see was never coming back. Ever. I closed my eyes and hot tears ran down my cheeks. I felt him sit on the bed and put his arms around me.