The Nothing Girl Part 3

'Yes, Im fine too. Not at the moment, obviously, and tomorrow Im going to hate myself and probably the rest of the world too, but Ill worry about that tomorrow. What are you doing now? Do you have a job?

I shook my head.

'So what do you do? Of course, you probably dont have to work, do you? Youve got your parents money. Where do you live? Wait, are you still living with the Kingdoms?

I nodded.

'Hang on. Im twenty-nine, you must be, what, about twenty-eight, and you still live with those dull old sticks? Why? What happened? Oh, sod this for a game of soldiers, Jenny. Drink your drink and say something.

What could I say? I couldnt tell him it was either Aunt Julia or some sort of inst.i.tution. He put a finger gently under my gla.s.s. 'Drink up. It might help. If not, you can write me an essay. Five hundred words on "Why I choose to live with the most boring people in the universe when I could be out being a good-time girl".

I choked, sipped, and choked again.

'Thats my girl. Youll be chattering away in no time. When Ive had a few I cant shut up.

It doesnt work like that, but it occurred to me that I could be sober and awkward, or drunk and awkward, and Id been sober and awkward all my life. I took a few more sips and leaned back.

'Thats better. Now, tell me. Theres no rush. The longer Im out of the way the happier people seem to be.

'I know the feeling.

Now where had that come from? Oh, yes. I peered into my half-empty gla.s.s. Perhaps he hadnt heard me.

He was staring into the fire. Without him looking at me, my heart slowed down a little. I began to feel more relaxed. Things unclenched. I thought of what I wanted to say and reduced it to the fewest possible words.

'They thought it ... best I stayed there. Sometimes, things get ... so I ... it was easier. Better. I read. I study. I did get my ... degree, you see, I said, desperately trying to make myself more interesting to someone who did more in a day than I did in a year.

He wasnt deceived at all. 'But you could have done so much. You still could. You could still live in Rushford where your family and friends are. Im not saying go to London or Leeds or Bristol, but surely ... he petered out. 'Sorry, its not my business, I know. It just seems such a waste of a life.

Something writhed inside me and for a moment I was back in those long dark days when my world was so small I couldnt even stand up in it. And those long dark nights when I wondered why I was so insignificant and what would become of me and trying to stifle the panic ...

Something must have shown in my face because here came Thomas, galloping down the room to stand nearby, solid and comforting and protecting. My shield against the world. He breathed warmth and rea.s.surance into my hair.

Russell was already putting down his cup and saucer, not looking at me. 'It occurs to me that Im doing rather a lot of damage tonight and not just to myself. Huge apologies, Jenny. Sometimes I think I shouldnt be allowed to mix with decent people.

From nowhere, I said again, 'I know the feeling.

He sat back down again. 'Yes, you do, dont you. And youre dealing with it much better than I am.

'No. No, Im not. At least youre ... fighting back. You get out there and make the world notice you. You have the freedom to ... come and go as you please. You have social skills. You have talent. You ... could be whatever you wanted. Every day, I just sit in my room, hating it and unable to leave because Im too ... scared to take the consequences.

Oh my G.o.d. Did I just say that? Did I really say all that?

He pounced. 'What consequences?

Oh, what the h.e.l.l. I tipped the gla.s.s back and finished my drink, relishing that rather nice, warm feeling. 'I either live with my family or I have to go to some sort of ... home. Thats the deal.

He was bewildered. 'But why? Whats the matter with you?

I glared at him, exasperated.

'No, I dont mean that. The last I heard, having a bit of a stutter wasnt any sort of reason for chucking a person into a secure facility.

'Well, I dont think they meant ... Broadmoor.

'They shouldnt mean anything at all. Its all b.o.l.l.o.c.ks, Jenny. Im sure they mean well, but there is such a thing as over-protectiveness and it wouldnt do you any harm to get out a bit more. Youre talking to me. I can understand you easily enough. You should go out and practise more. Talk to people in shops. Ask people the time. I mean it. You get anxious because you cant speak properly and you cant speak properly because you get anxious. Break the circle.

'Its not that easy. If it doesnt clear up in childhood then the chances are ...

'I dont care what the chances are. Make your own chances. Youre talking to me at the moment.

'Thats the alcohol.

'In a fruit punch? I dont think so. Give yourself more credit, girl. Or alternatively, start the day with a couple of vodkas. Works for me.

I tried to see Thoma.s.s face, but he was turned away from me. Was he laughing?

'Oh yes, I said sarcastically. 'Instead of waking ... each morning wondering how to fill the hours ahead, I can ... pull a bottle from under the pillow and ... I stopped. And what? What would I do if I could? If I had a choice, what would I choose? Frightening chasms yawned at my feet. This was why I stayed in my room.

'Well, I dont mean you should hitch-hike across India, for G.o.ds sake. Start small. Heres an idea. What do you know about buckets?

OK, no more alcohol for me. I obviously had zero tolerance and it was already affecting my brain. However, I knew the answer to this one.

'Plastic things, I said proudly. 'In many colours. Or metal. Shiny. They have holes. Theres a ... song about it. You kick them when you die. And sat back, pleased with the completeness of my answer.

'Excellent, youre obviously a leading authority. What are you doing tomorrow morning?

'Nothing, I said, without hesitation.

'Good. Meet me outside the post office at 10.30. No, better make it 11.00 Ill need a bit of a lie-in. You can help me buy buckets.

'Look out, said Thomas, suddenly. 'Incoming.

I looked up. A very unhappy looking Uncle Richard was approaching.

'Yes, I said to Russell, and then my uncle was upon us, his gentle face frowning.

'Russell. I heard you were here.

Russell stood up, suddenly alarmingly sober. 'Richard, good evening. Jenny and I have been catching up.

My uncle looked at me, then at the gla.s.s on the table and said in apocalyptic tones, 'Jenny? Have you been ... drinking?

I didnt know whether to laugh, cry, hiccup, or panic. As usual, everything inside me clumped together for safety and nothing emerged.

'Good heavens, said Russell, indignantly, 'of course she hasnt. Unless you count coffee, of course. He gestured to the cup and saucer.

'Jenny, you know your aunt doesnt like you to drink coffee. It can be very stimulating.

'Have a heart, Richard, its a party. Let her have a little fun.

I knew he was laughing at my uncle. I wondered if he was laughing at me, too.

'Of course, Im sure just one ...

'Will not set her on the road to eternal d.a.m.nation, finished Russell.

I stood up and he steadied me while pretending to shake hands. 'Nice to have met you again, Jenny.

I nodded, thankful for once that no one would be expecting me to say anything, but very aware of Uncle Richard radiating gentle disapproval. I smiled at Russell who winked at me and mouthed, 'Buckets! Dont forget. At least, thats what I think it was.

'Come along, Jenny. Its half past ten and your aunt is feeling tired.

'Better make that six hundred words, Russell called after me as I meekly followed my uncle out of the room. Thomas walked alongside, rather closer than usual, occasionally (and quite unnecessarily) having a quiet snort.

So that was my first party.

Shortly afterwards, I got my first proposal of marriage.

I woke really early the next morning, full of excitement. I had an appointment. I was meeting someone. I had a purpose.

'Its only half past six, said Thomas from the corner. ' Its not light yet and you didnt get to bed until nearly eleven last night. Youll wear yourself out.

'Yes, very funny.

'Make yourself a cup of tea and get back into bed.

So I did.

Halfway down the mug I began to have doubts.

'Do you think h.e.l.l forget?

'No.

'He was pretty drunk.

'Not when he was talking to you.

'Do you think h.e.l.l change his mind?

'No, a man always needs buckets.

'Suppose he cant come?

' Then he wont be there at 11.00 and youll be disappointed because, along with 99% of the human race at one time or another in their lives, youll have been stood up. Just like a real person.

'Do you still like him?

'Yes.

I drank some more tea, watching him through my eyelashes.

He sighed. 'Yes, I think he likes you too. Good grief, its like living with a teenager again.

I was ready to leave the house by half past nine. Thomas held out until ten, finally giving in, saying we could walk really slowly and window-shop on the way. So we walked really slowly and window-shopped on the way. It was raining, and I kept hitting people with my umbrella.

Eventually, he agreed it probably was best just to go and wait at the post office. 'Before you blind someone.

We waited an anxious fifteen minutes. 'Hes not coming, I said.

' Its only just coming up to eleven. Hes a single man with a hangover looking for a parking s.p.a.ce. Well be lucky to see him at all before noon. Just relax.

So we stood on the steps and watched people skitter by in the rain. At only a few minutes past eleven, someone tooted. Russell Checkland solved his parking problems by simply stopping wherever he wanted to be and waiting for people to go to him.

I threaded my way through parked cars and he leaned over and opened the door for me.

'Umbrella, reminded Thomas, guessing correctly that sensible thinking had taken the morning off. I wrestled away while a cacophony of horns built up and the ma.s.sed rank of Mrs Pargeter, our Traffic Warden, bore down upon us.

Fl.u.s.tered and wet, I fell into his old Land Rover. It smelled very odd and one of those pine-scented fir trees hanging lop-sided from the mirror had long since given up.

'Good morning, he said, pulling out into traffic to a fresh barrage of tooting. 'Nasty day. Did you get into much trouble last night?

I shook my head. Id slipped away as soon as we got home and I think both Aunt Julia and Uncle Richard were so relieved not to have to dust off their parenting skills that they let me go.

'Ask him how he is, said Thomas. 'Remember your manners.

'How are you?

'Absolutely fine. Slept like a log. Feel great. Jennies to pick up. Buckets to buy.

'Why?

Thank G.o.d he understood verbal shorthand and that he could chat enough for both of us.

'For the roof. It leaks on the north side. My father did most of the roof a couple of years ago and he left that side because it wasnt too bad but now it is. So, buckets.

'Can it be fixed?

'Easily, if you happen to have thousands of pounds. I dont, so a quick trip to the hardware store and a cost of about thirty quid instead. Clever, eh?

I nodded and we splashed into the car park. Id never been to one of these places before. Im pretty certain Uncle Richard hadnt either and Im d.a.m.n sure Aunt Julia never had. I tried to imagine Francesca in something white and gauzy wafting up and down the aisles buying grout and emulsion and failed. Really failed.

'This way, said Russell, striding off and I followed on behind.

Thomas was full of it. ' Wow! Look at this. Whats that? Good grief, why have we never been here before? This place is magic. Whats that for?

We found the buckets. Plastic and multi-coloured.