The Nothing Girl Part 17

'Whats that supposed to mean?

We set off the next morning. Thomas and I were still discussing his Chariots of Fire performance.

'Im so excited, he said, as we climbed into Russells recently rescued Land Rover.

'Me too.

Shame we never got there.

We bucketed down narrow lanes, taking what Russell called 'the scenic route.

'Hes lost, said Thomas. ' How did he manage that? Its not difficult, for crying out loud. You drive west for twenty minutes until you get wet and then you stop because youve fallen into the sea. Tchah!

I was about to comment on 'Tchah! when Russell, whod coaxed a reasonable speed from his rust-bucket, slammed on the brakes. Landscape whirled past the windscreen and the seat-belt dug painfully. We fishtailed across the lane and skidded to a halt in a shower of gravel. I bounced against my seat, sat stunned for a moment, and then rubbed my shoulder and neck.

Thomas hadnt moved.

Russell was halfway out of the door when he remembered he was married to his pa.s.senger.

'Are you all right?

I nodded. I could talk later.

He disappeared.

'What on earth ...? said Thomas.

I released my seat-belt, thanking G.o.d Russell was too poor for air bags. We were on the wrong side of the road but, by Russells standards, safely parked. I followed my galloping husband on slightly wobbly legs. He climbed over a gate and disappeared.

'Jenny, Im so sorry. I think I may have encouraged you to marry a madman.

'Yes, were going to be discussing this later. Oh.

We reached a dilapidated gate, set in a straggly, sickly looking hedge.

On the other side was one of those awful, overgrazed fields you sometimes see from a train. An old railway truck slouched in the corner. There was no gra.s.s anywhere. After all the rain, everything was just a sea of mud.

For a moment, I could see nothing, but Russell was heading towards the back corner where a lump of mud moved and became a large dog.

No, not a dog. A very small donkey, now struggling to escape away from him. He walked slowly towards it and stopped a few yards away, talking softly. It was pitifully thin. Bones stuck out everywhere. There was absolutely no sign of food or water anywhere. The poor thing was so hungry it had chewed on the wooden rails. I could see lighter wood showing through.

I climbed over the gate.

The little donkey showed signs of panic, so I stood still and Russell moved away and went to investigate the old railway truck.

I said to Thomas, 'Can you do anything?

He said, 'I think so, and went to stand close by, hooves sinking into the mud. Lowering his head, he nuzzled behind her ears. She stood still, not knowing why. Her ears drooped and her eyes closed.

'Well done.

'I dont think thats me. I think shes just too weak to put up any sort of fight.

Russell came out of the truck, his face tight and angry. He took my arm. 'You dont want to go in there, Jenny.

'Oh.

'Im afraid so. Come on, lets go and look at the one we might be able to save.

Thomas had done his work well. She stood quietly, head lowered, too weak and too distressed to struggle.

Russell stood for a moment, looked thoughtfully over his shoulder at the gate and then at me.

'Of course, I said. 'Need you ask?

'Right then, I dont think she can walk, so ...

He stepped forward, put one arm under her tail, another around her chest ,and lifted a very surprised little donkey off the ground. She hung, legs dangling, and tried to eat his jacket.

'Can you get the gate?

He set off, staggering slightly in the mud and I squelched along behind, a fully-fledged accessory to donkey-napping.

The gate was padlocked.

Carefully, he set her down and she immediately started to eat my coat. Thomas lowered his head again.

'Sometimes, said Russell, 'you can get these gates off their hinges. Can you give me a hand? We got our shoulders under the top rail and the gate fell apart, so we could add property damage to the charge sheet.

He picked up the donkey again and we all set off down the road.

I said, 'Should I put the gate back?

Im quite law-abiding.

'No point.

Russell isnt.

He was angry, but not with me, so I hurried after him.

'Jenny, Im going to put her in the back. Will you sit with her and just try to keep her calm? I dont think youll have any problems. Im sorry, shes covered in mud and worse, but I cant see any other way and I want Andrew to see her as quickly as possible. Do you mind?

'No, I said, truthfully and scrambled in. He heaved her over and Thomas was there as well.

I heard him speak briefly on his phone and then the engine started up. She had a bit of a skitter, but Thomas worked his magic and we got back to Frogmorton mostly unscathed.

We backed into the yard and both Kevin and Mrs Crisp came out to see why we were back so early. I dont know what they were expecting, but it probably wasnt this.

Russell appeared and I pa.s.sed her over. He stood with her in his arms, her legs dangling again as everyone gawped.

'What is it? asked Mrs Crisp, a little more unfocused than she usually was at this time of day and clutching her security tea towel.

'Its a dog? said Kevin, doubtfully.

'Are you all right in there, Jenny? You got b.u.mped about a bit.

'Yes, I said. 'Dont worry about me. Stay with her in case shes frightened.

A car beeped in the lane and Andrew arrived. I had hoped Tanya might be with him, but he was alone. He crossed the yard and stood in front of Russell.

'Its a donkey, he said at last.

'Good to see all those years at vet school have paid off, said Russell. 'We lesser mortals were thinking it was a giant rabbit.

Andrew looked around. 'Wheres Jenny? You havent swapped her for a donkey, have you?

'Im here, I said from the back. 'Im just a bit stiff and I cant get out.

Kevin gave me a hand and I tumbled gracelessly from the back of the Rover. 'Good morning, Andrew. Thank you for coming.

'You know, youre much too good for Russell. Hes never thanked anyone for coming in his life.

'Well, I have, but possibly in a completely different context. I dont want to rush anyone, but although theres not very much of her, Id like to put her down soon. And shes sucking my jacket again.

'Dont let her do that donkey digestion is quite fragile.

Before anyone could move, however, she twisted her head, batted huge eyelashes at Russell, and widdled all down his front.

'Oh, thats a good sign, said Andrew. 'Her kidneys are working. Kevin, can you put a few inches of warm water in a bucket for her, please. Dont fill it up. I dont want her to have too much too quickly.

'No, said Russell, grimly surveying his ex-trousers. 'We wouldnt want to overload her already fully functioning bladder.

'Lets get her inside, then.

We all trailed into the stables.

Russell put her down gently in the stall next to Boxer. She stood with all her legs at different angles, looking around her.

Andrew followed him in. 'Have you ever noticed, Russ, sooner or later, all your women end up p.i.s.sing on you from a great height? Although not usually this soon into your relationship.

'Just see to the donkey, will you? Thats why youre here.

'No, Im here for a free lunch, if the wonderful Jenny will have me.

'Its got nothing to do with Jenny. Im the head of the household. I make the decisions here.

I spoke up. 'Andrew, please stay for lunch.

'Thank you, Jenny. Id love to. He was crouched low, peering at her feet. 'Wheres our neurotic nit-wit this morning?

'Next door, breaking his neck trying to see whats going on. Do you want me to take him out? Give her a bit of peace?

'No, donkeys are herd animals. She may find his presence rea.s.suring.

'Are you sure? Hes not Brain of Britain, you know. Its very likely shes much brighter than he is.

'Russell, there are single-celled organisms that are brighter than your horse. Can you open the part.i.tion? Gently. We dont want to frighten her.

The result was not at all what we expected. We stepped back and she and Boxer got their first look at each other.

It was love at first sight. He stretched his neck towards her, blowing gently. She struggled to take a few steps, tottering like a cross between baby Bambi and Shaun the Sheep. She lifted her head to him, peering through those huge eyelashes, like Marilyn Monroe. Rachmaninov played in the background. Somewhere, a bluebird sang.

'Oh, said Mrs Crisp. 'How sweet.

We all said, 'Aaaaah. It was a magical moment.

She drew a deep breath and closed her eyes. Her whole body inflated. She braced her spindly legs.

'Oh-oh, said Thomas. 'Incoming.

I always thought donkeys said, 'Hee-haw. Thats how you always see it written. Nice and neat. And brief. Hee-haw.

Wrong. Our donkey goes: 'EEEEEEEAAAAAWWWOOOOAARGGHHH, pauses briefly for the echoes to die away and then continues with: 'EEEEEEEEEAAAAAWWWWWEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAWWWWWOOOOORRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH, tailing away to a ghastly bubbling groan like a belligerent c.o.c.kerel having its throat cut. And it was loud. Good G.o.d, was it loud. Birds fell from the trees. The windows rattled. A low-flying jet did a quick U-turn and returned to base to complain about the noise.

'Good grief!

'b.l.o.o.d.y Nora, said Andrew. 'What the h.e.l.l have you unleashed on the world now, Russ?

Russell regarded his cousin indignantly. 'You could have warned us.

'How the h.e.l.l was I supposed to know she sounded like the Texas Chain Saw Ma.s.sacre? How can such a tiny thing produce so much noise? Is everyone all right?

'I think my ears are bleeding, said Russell.

'No one cares about you. You brought her here. This is all your fault.

'You cant blame me for this. It was Jennys idea to go to Rushby.

They both turned to look at me.

'You mean you abandoned your wifes lovely day out to cover her with donkey slime?

It was true. I was covered in the many body fluids a sick and frightened donkey can produce in what it perceives as a crisis. Never mind Russells jacket. They were going to have to send me to the cleaners as well.

Andrew became business-like, unfastening his case. 'Russell, you can stay. Everyone else leave now please, so I can have a good look at her.

We trailed out. Mrs Crisp made me stand on a newspaper while she helped me off with my coat, which had borne the worst of it. The rest of me wasnt too bad.