The Note-Books of Samuel Butler Part 69

And the Johnians practise their tub in the following manner: --They select 8 of the most serviceable freshmen and put these into a boat and to each one of them they give an oar; and, having told them to look at the backs of the men before them, they make them bend forward as far as they can and at the same moment, and, having put the end of the oar into the water, pull it back again in to them about the bottom of the ribs; and, if any of them does not do this or looks about him away from the back of the man before him, they curse him in the most terrible manner, but if he does what he is bidden they immediately cry out:

"Well pulled, number so-and-so."

For they do not call them by their names but by certain numbers, each man of them having a number allotted to him in accordance with his place in the boat, and the first man they call stroke, but the last man bow; and when they have done this for about 50 miles they come home again, and the rate they travel at is about 25 miles an hour; and let no one think that this is too great a rate for I could say many other wonderful things in addition concerning the rowing of the Johnians, but if a man wishes to know these things he must go and examine them himself. But when they have done they contrive some such a device as this, for they make them run many miles along the side of the river in order that they may accustom them to great fatigue, and many of them, being distressed in this way, fall down and die, but those who survive become very strong and receive gifts of cups from the others; and after the revolution of a year they have great races with their boats against those of the surrounding islanders, but the Johnians, both owing to the carefulness of the training and a natural disposition for rowing, are always victorious.

In this way, then, the Johnians, I say, practise their tub.

ii--The Shield of Achilles--With Variations

And in it he placed the Fitzwilliam and King's College Chapel and the lofty towered church of the Great Saint Mary, which looketh towards the Senate House, and King's Parade and Trumpington Road and the Pitt Press and the divine opening of the Market Square and the beautiful flowing fountain which formerly Hobson laboured to make with skilful art; him did his father beget in the many-public-housed Trumpington from a slavey mother and taught him blameless works; and he, on the other hand, sprang up like a young shoot and many beautifully matched horses did he nourish in his stable, which used to convey his rich possessions to London and the various cities of the world; but oftentimes did he let them out to others and whensoever any one was desirous of hiring one of the long-tailed horses he took them in order, so that the labour was equal to all, wherefore do men now speak of the choice of the renowned Hobson. And in it he placed the close of the divine Parker, and many beautiful undergraduates were delighting their tender minds upon it playing cricket with one another; and a match was being played and two umpires were quarrelling with one another; the one saying that the batsman who was playing was out and the other declaring with all his might that he was not; and while they two were contending, reviling one another with abusive language, a ball came and hit one of them on the nose and the blood flowed out in a stream and darkness was covering his eyes, but the rest were crying out on all sides:

"Shy it up."

And he could not; him, then, was his companion addressing with scornful words:

"Arnold, why dost thou strive with me since I am much wiser? Did not I see his leg before the wicket and rightly declare him to be out?

Thee, then, has Zeus now punished according to thy deserts and I will seek some other umpire of the game equally-partic.i.p.ated-in-by-both- sides."

And in it he placed the Cam and many boats equally rowed on both sides were going up and down on the bosom of the deep rolling river and the c.o.xswains were cheering on the men, for they were going to enter the contest of the scratchean fours; and three men were rowing together in a boat, strong and stout and determined in their hearts that they would either first break a blood vessel or earn for themselves the electroplated-Birmingham-manufactured magnificence of a pewter to stand on their ball tables in memorial of their strength, and from time to time drink from it the exhilarating streams of beer whensoever their dear heart should compel them; but the fourth was weak and unequally matched with the others and the c.o.xswain was encouraging him and called him by name and spake cheering words:

"Smith, when thou hast begun the contest, be not flurried nor strive too hard against thy fate, look at the back of the man before thee and row with as much strength as the Fates spun out for thee on the day when thou fellest between the knees of thy mother, neither lose thine oar, but hold it tight with thy hands."

iii--The Two Deans

Scene: The Court of St. John's College, Cambridge. Enter the two deans on their way to morning chapel.

JUNIOR DEAN: Brother, I am much pleased with Samuel Butler, I have observed him mightily of late; Methinks that in his melancholy walk And air subdued when'er he meeteth me Lurks something more than in most other men.

SENIOR DEAN: It is a good young man. I do bethink me That once I walked behind him in the cloister, He saw me not, but whispered to his fellow: "Of all men who do dwell beneath the moon I love and reverence most the senior Dean."

JUNIOR DEAN: One thing is pa.s.sing strange, and yet I know not How to condemn it; but in one plain brief word He never comes to Sunday morning chapel.

Methinks he teacheth in some Sunday school, Feeding the poor and starveling intellect With wholesome knowledge, or on the Sabbath morn He loves the country and the neighbouring spire Of Madingley or Coton, or perchance Amid some humble poor he spends the day Conversing with them, learning all their cares, Comforting them and easing them in sickness.

Oh 'tis a rare young man!

SENIOR DEAN: I will advance him to some public post, He shall be chapel clerk, some day a fellow, Some day perhaps a Dean, but as thou sayst He is indeed an excellent young man -

Enter Butler suddenly without a coat, or anything on his head, rushing through the cloisters, bearing a cup, a bottle of cider, four lemons, two nutmegs, half a pound of sugar and a nutmeg grater.

Curtain falls on the confusion of Butler and the horror-stricken dismay of the two deans.

iv--On the Italian Priesthood

(Con arte e con inganno, si vive mezzo l'anno; Con inganno e con arte, si vive l'altra parte.)

In knavish art and gathering gear They spend the one half of the year; In gathering gear and knavish art They somehow spend the other part.

v--A Psalm of Montreal

The City of Montreal is one of the most rising and, in many respects, most agreeable on the American continent, but its inhabitants are as yet too busy with commerce to care greatly about the masterpieces of old Greek Art. In the Montreal Museum of Natural History I came upon two plaster casts, one of the Antinous and the other of the Discobolus--not the good one, but in my poem, of course, I intend the good one--banished from public view to a room where were all manner of skins, plants, snakes, insects, etc., and, in the middle of these, an old man stuffing an owl.

"Ah," said I, "so you have some antiques here; why don't you put them where people can see them?"

"Well, sir," answered the custodian, "you see they are rather vulgar."

He then talked a great deal and said his brother did all Mr.

Spurgeon's printing.

The dialogue--perhaps true, perhaps imaginary, perhaps a little of the one and a little of the other--between the writer and this old man gave rise to the lines that follow:

Stowed away in a Montreal lumber room The Discobolus standeth and turneth his face to the wall; Dusty, cobweb-covered, maimed and set at naught, Beauty crieth in an attic and no man regardeth: O G.o.d! O Montreal!

Beautiful by night and day, beautiful in summer and winter, Whole or maimed, always and alike beautiful - He preacheth gospel of grace to the skin of owls And to one who seasoneth the skins of Canadian owls: O G.o.d! O Montreal!

When I saw him I was wroth and I said, "O Discobolus!

Beautiful Discobolus, a Prince both among G.o.ds and men!

What doest thou here, how camest thou hither, Discobolus, Preaching gospel in vain to the skins of owls?"

O G.o.d! O Montreal!

And I turned to the man of skins and said unto him, "O thou man of skins, Wherefore hast thou done thus to shame the beauty of the Discobolus?"

But the Lord had hardened the heart of the man of skins And he answered, "My brother-in-law is haberdasher to Mr. Spurgeon."

O G.o.d! O Montreal!

"The Discobolus is put here because he is vulgar - He has neither vest nor pants with which to cover his limbs; I, Sir, am a person of most respectable connections My brother-in-law is haberdasher to Mr. Spurgeon."

O G.o.d! O Montreal!

Then I said, "O brother-in-law to Mr. Spurgeon's haberdasher, Who seasonest also the skins of Canadian owls, Thou callest trousers 'pants,' whereas I call them 'trousers,'

Therefore thou art in h.e.l.l-fire and may the Lord pity thee!"

O G.o.d! O Montreal!

"Preferrest thou the gospel of Montreal to the gospel of h.e.l.las, The gospel of thy connection with Mr. Spurgeon's haberdashery to the gospel of the Discobolus?"

Yet none the less blasphemed he beauty saying, "The Discobolus hath no gospel, But my brother-in-law is haberdasher to Mr. Spurgeon."

O G.o.d! O Montreal!

vi--The Righteous Man

The righteous man will rob none but the defenceless, Whatsoever can reckon with him he will neither plunder nor kill; He will steal an egg from a hen or a lamb from an ewe, For his sheep and his hens cannot reckon with him hereafter - They live not in any odour of defencefulness: Therefore right is with the righteous man, and he taketh advantage righteously, Praising G.o.d and plundering.

The righteous man will enslave his horse and his dog, Making them serve him for their bare keep and for nothing further, Shooting them, selling them for vivisection when they can no longer profit him, Backbiting them and beating them if they fail to please him; For his horse and his dog can bring no action for damages, Wherefore, then, should he not enslave them, shoot them, sell them for vivisection?