The New Pun Book Part 49

"You're no chiropodist," she said.

MEDIUM--Do you believe in spirits?

BUSYMAN (off guard)--When taken in moderation, yes.

"You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring friend.

"Not exactly," answered Mr. c.u.mrox. "But I once came mighty near having a French count for a son-in-law."

The fate of Lot's wife Was all her own fault; She first turned to "rubber,"

And then turned to salt.

I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the rest of us sit down.

I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the weak."

He used to send her roses; He sent them every hour, But now they're married and he sends Her home a cauliflower.

JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach.

TOM--That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle.

Her face was happy, His face was stern; Her hand was in his'n, His'n was in her'n.

JACK--"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time."

FRED--"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime."

A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a p.a.w.nshop, p.a.w.ned it for $1.50. On his way back to the depot he met a friend, to whom he sold the p.a.w.n ticket for $1.50. That gave him $3. Now, who's out that dollar?

"Is a howling dog a sign of death?"

Said Doolittle to Dunn.

"Of course it is, if the dog will wait Until I get my gun."

"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had half a dozen offers before yours."

"Huh!" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I proposed to at least a dozen girls before I met you."

There was a young woman named Hannah, Who put on a great many airs, She stepped on a peel of banana, And now she's laid up for repairs.

"What sort of labor is best paid in this country?" asked the English tourist.

"Field labor," answered the native American.

"Is that a fact?" queried the Englishman, who was inclined to be a bit skeptical.

"Sure," replied the other. "You ought to see the salaries our baseball players get."

This life's a game of chance, they say: The saw's more sad than witty, The public gathers 'round to play, The trust controls the "kitty."

GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me.

HAROLD--What was that you wrote to her the last time?