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"Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love,"
"Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber, 'Tis jist that aich is jealous of The beauty av its neighbor."
The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at once.
"Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly.
"Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knives."
JOHN--Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast?
TOM--Sure I do.
JOHN--Glue it to the floor.
"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on phrenology, "what is a b.u.mp of destructiveness?"
"Why--er--a railroad collision, I suppose,"
He always kneeled before the maid And kissed her finger tips; But he lost out. Another man Came by and kissed her lips.
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not going into politics."
"What made you think of that?"
"I heard you talking in your sleep about 'standing pat.'"
A man and his bride by the parson were tied, And when the performance was done, "Alas!" exclaimed he, examining his fee, "I add one to one and make one."
MISTRESS (to cook who has fallen down stairs)--I hope that you did not hurt yourself, Mary?
MARY--Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom.
We're all often forced to rob Peter In order to settle with Paul, But some of us merely rob Peter And Paul never sees us at all.
SHE--"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it."
HE--"Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine."
Knock, and the world knocks with you; Boost, and you boost alone!
When you roast good and loud You will find that the crowd Has a hammer as big as your own!
"How did you cure your boy of swearing?"
"By the laying on of hands, princ.i.p.ally."
"Ma, what is a Panama man called?"
"A Panaman, Johnny."
"Then what is a Panama woman?"
"If she's married and obeys President Roosevelt she's just a plain Panama."
He who courts and goes away, May court again another day; But he who weds and courts girls still May go to court against his will.
A notice at a small depot near Manchester reads:
