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CLARA--"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."
MAUD--"What kind is that?"
CLARA--"Oh, rapid fire--sixty a minute!"
"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."
THE ONLY REMEDY--"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me."
"Why, dear?"
"'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out."
HE--"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"
SHE--"Oh, no; the other arm was around somewhere."
"Why are pugilists like chickens?"
"Because they live on 'sc.r.a.ps!'"
MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club?
PAMELA--From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most of the time.
SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published.
PRIMLY--Indeed! What book?
SWATTER--The directory.
"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I go for the hims," said Maud.
CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake?
BAKER'S BOY--I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.
"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of his notes for half a minute."
"Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years."
Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The same thing that happened to me--An a.s.s spoke to him."
MOTHER--"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?"
Innocent--"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?"
Mother--"Certainly, my dear." Innocent--"Then I don't think he said anything."
"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?"
"No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all new."
An excellent reason.--Casey--"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon Dolan." Mrs. Casey--"An' phwy?" Casey--"Shure, t'is an account av a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey--"Phwat did he say?"
Casey--"Sez he, 'Pat, ye're discharged.'"
