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HE--Time and tide wait for no man.
SHE--No, but a woman will.
Sing not to me of falling dew Upon the purple hills, For I am worried far too much By falling due of bills.
"You say his wife's a brunette? I thought he married a blonde."
"He did, but she dyed."
"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady."
"Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano without a chaperon."
"He's quite a star as an after dinner speaker, isn't he?"
"Star? He's a regular moon. He becomes brighter the fuller he gets."
d.i.c.k--"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the question?"
TOM--"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning the pop."
What do you think of Windig?
He reminds me of a river.
What's the answer?
The biggest part of him is his mouth.
Here is a chestnut your ire arouses, So often it's brought to your minds, "People who live in gla.s.s houses"
Should always "pull down the blinds."
"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks."
"Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The lines."
The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight On," must have a grudge against them.
A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some well-meaning friends sent in a broken lyre as a floral tribute.
"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in and fired both up.
"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left them.
"Yes," was the reply, "that's his business."
"His business? What is he?"
"A photographer."
KID--Did the dogs ever bite you?
GENT--What dogs?
KID--The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you.
GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence?
