The New Pun Book Part 29

PAPA (donor of gun)--"Yes, so we are told. Why do you ask?"

BOY--"Well, then, Mr. Brown's tabby's got eight coming to her."

"What became of that girl you made love to in the hammock?"

"We fell out."

"Did you hear the story about the peac.o.c.k?"

"No."

"It's a beautiful tale."

"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?"

"Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?"

"Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed."

"Why is a kiss like the three graces?"

"Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old maid."

"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things, "when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't."

"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one should never judge by appearances."

"That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls usually have the most money."

"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'"

"No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was smoking it."

"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings."

"What did you have?"

"Three aces, jedge, and----"

"What did Jim do?"

"Jim, he drew."

"What did he draw?"

"He drew a razzer, jedge."

"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?"

"Yes, husband."

"Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"

"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the lawyer.

"Absolutely certain," a.s.sented the witness.

"You swear that this is true?"

"I do."

"Would you bet on it?"

"Er--well--yes, if I got the right odds."

"Where did you get that hair on your coat?"