The New Pun Book - novelonlinefull.com
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A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep, the other night, saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey.
"Oh! let me sleep," the irate dame rejoined, "and don't be frightened at your own shadow."
"What a fearful night I had when I drew this gun the first time!"
said the bartender, as he showed a handsome silver-mounted Colt.
"When was it?" gasped the crowd.
"Night before last at the raffle in Kelley's!"
"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil.
"I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!"
If you want to see a strong organization, look at the whisky dealers; if you want to see a weak one, look at the consumers.
With cards and dice, and dress and friends, My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends, And thus make both ends meet.
"There goes a man who leads in letters."
"Ah, indeed! What's his name?"
"A.A. Adams."
Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes practice inside of it.
A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on land is a songstress.
Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder luck than you.
When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he meets short-sighted.
A beautiful la.s.sie named Florence, Once wept till her tears flowed in torence.
When asked why she cried, She sighed, and replied, "The Sheriff's been here with some worence."
In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch.
GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more."
BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged."
GRACE--"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each other's hands."
"Do you believe in luck?"
"Sometimes. See that fat woman with the red hat over there?"
"Yes."
"Twenty years ago she refused to marry me."
"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do you hear?"
"I will sir."
And when the next train came in the pa.s.sengers were considerably astonished to hear Pat sing:
