The Nanny Diaries Part 29

Mr. Cliftonroundsthecorner tothebathrooms. "I'll takethem," hesays tome, leadingtheboys intothe bathroomandleavingme toenjoy a wholetwominutesintheladies'roombymyself.

I've just latched the door on the stall when I hear Mrs. X and Mrs. Longacre come in. Mrs. Longacre is agreeing about something. "Absolutely! You can never be too cautious these days. Do you know Gina Zuckerman? She has a boy about Grayer's age. arwin, I think. Apparently the woman they had watching him, some South American, grabbed him by the arm. Gina caught it all on the Nan-nycam.

Sentthatwomanrightbacktowhateverthirdworldvillage shecrawledout of."

I trynottobreatheasMrs. Longacrepeesbesideme.

"We just set up our Nannycam a few weeks ago," Mrs. X says. "I haven't had time to review the tapes, but.i.tgives mepeaceof mindknowingI'm abletobevirtually righttherewith myson."

Shutup.Shutup!

"Don't youhavetogo?" Mrs. Longacreasks, comingoutof thestall.

"No,I'm justwashing myhands,"Mrs. Xsays fromthesink.

Grayer poundsonthebathroom door. "Nanny!"

Mrs. X opens the door. "Wha. rayer? What are you doing here?" I hear her leave and wait for Mrs.

Longacretofinishwashingher handsbeforeI unlatchthestall.

NANNYCAM?! NANNYCAM???.'.'.' What's next? Periodic drug tests? Strip searches? A metal detectorintheirfronthall?Wh.o.a.rethesepeople?

I splash my face with cold water and try, for the umpteenth time in nine months, to put my six-foot employers outof mymindsoI canfocusontheneedsof thethree-footone.

I walk back to the table. Mrs. X is struggling to balance Grayer on the phone books. She looks up, openly glaring at me. "Nanny, where have you been? I found Grayer unattended and I think it's unacceptable?

An unprecedented level of rage shows on my face, momentarily silencing her. I readjust Grayer on his phonebooks,cutup hischickenforhim, andtake aforkfulof mashedpotatoes.

"Well, then,Nanny,whydon't youtakethekids outsidetillwe're done?" sheasks sweetly.

And I spend the rest of the meal in the damp wind, feeding Grayer sandy chicken out of a Styrofoam container. Pretty soon Andrew joins us, then three more. I play Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes. I playMotherMay1.1playRedLight,GreenLight.

But there is only so much you can do with five children in a dark parking lot before you want to sell them.

After putting Grayer to bed I ransack the kitchen for ammonia. While searching under the sink, I hear the tap of Mrs. X's Manolos on the linoleum as she opens the cabinets above. She maneuvers awkwardly aroundmeinsilence.

"Whatare youdoingunderthere?" Mr. Xcomes in,holdingthepaper.

"I'm looking for ammonia to take the sting out of my mosquito bites," I say, my head tucked between thepipesand a bottleofbleachasI huntforthisemergencyGirl Scoutsolution.

"And I'm looking for the Scotch, so I can fix you a nightcap." Her feet swivel so she can face him and herwrapslidesslowlytothefloor,landingin a scarlet-red heapbesideher goose-pimpled ankles.

"Ammonia?" heasks. "Huh."

Hisheavyfootstepsmove fromthelinoleumofthekitchentothewoodofthehallway.

"Honey?" shesays in a slightlyhusky toneas shefollows him to thedoor frame. "Whydon't we read in bed?"

I heartherustleofhimhandingthepaperover to her. "I've gottoconfirmmyflightouttomorrow. I'll be inwhenI'm done. Don'twait up.Good-bye, Nanny."I seeMrs. X's calfmusclesclench.

"Bye, have agoodflight," I say. GiveMs. Cmyregards.

I hearher followhim downthehall, leavingme alonetorummage underevery sinkinthehouse,but all I findis a lotof Mr. CleanandsomePine-Sol.

An hour later,when I turn out the bathroomlight, I see Mr. X slowly pushing their bedroomdoor open, a shaftoflightilluminatingthehallway.

"Darling,"I hearhersayquietly.Thedoorslidesclosed.

"Daddy,you're here!" Grayerjumps upinfrontofSesameStreetwhen Mr. X entersthelivingroomlate thenextmorning.

"Hi,"I say, startled. "I thoughtyouwere?

"Hey,sport."Hecomes over tositonthecouch.

"Where's Mommy?" Grayer asks.

"Mommy's intheshower."His fathergrins. "Haveyouhadbreakfast?"

"I wantcereal,"hesays, skippingincircles aroundthecouch.

"Well, let's rustle you up some food. I could go for eggs and sausage."It isThursday, right? It's not still Wednesday? Because I already scratched Wednesdayoff on the little calendar I've carved into the wall bymybed.

Mrs. X saunters in wearing a bikini top, sarong, and miles of exposed gooseflesh. She's flushed and has theauraofvictory abouther.

"Morning, Grayer. Morning, you." She languorously comes up behind Mr. X, putting her hands on his shoulders and giving him a little ma.s.sage. "Darling, would you mind going to pick up the paper?" He rollshis headbacktolookupather andshegrins, leaningdowntogive him a kiss.

"Sure." He comes around the couch, brushing his lips over her shoulder as he pa.s.ses. Well, I've officiallyfoundtheonlyscenariomore uncomfortablethanbeingaroundwhentheyfight. "Wouldyoumind if I wentwith Mr. X to thestore to get someAfter Bite?" I ask, trying tocapitalize on herpostcoital glow.

"No. I'd rather you stayed here to watch Grayer while I get ready." Mr. X grabs the keys from the table by the door and heads out. As we hear the car start she asks, "Grayer, how'd you like a baby brother or sister?"

"I want a baby brother! I want a baby brother!" He runs over to her, but she spatulas him and rebounds himbacktome,like a fieldhockeyball.

The phone begins to ring as Mr. X pulls out of the driveway. Mrs. X takes his sweatshirt from the back ofthecouchandpulls it on over her head before picking up the heavy olive-green receiver. "h.e.l.lo?" she stands, listening expectantly. "h.e.l.lo?" Sheadjustsher sarong. "h.e.l.lo?" Shehangsup.

Sheeyes meacross theroom. "I hopeyouhaven't beengiving this phonenumber out."

"No,onlytomyparentsincaseof anemergency,"I say.

She's halfwayup thestairswhenthephoneringsagain,bringingher backdownintothelivingroom.

"h.e.l.lo?" she asks a fourth time, sounding annoyed. "Oh, hi..." Her voice is strained. "No, he's not in ...

No,he decidednot toleavetoday,but I'll havehimcall youwhen hegets back ... Chenowith,right?I've got it.AreyouinChicagoor NewYork?...Okay,bye."

NoTeuschertrufflesforyou,Ms. Chicago.

When Mr. X gets back I go into the kitchen to help him unload and pull out the usual a.s.sortment of carcinogenicsugar-freeyogurts,tofudogs,andSnackWell's.

"Did anyone call?" he asks, pulling a single cheese pastry out of a small wax-paper bag for himself as Mrs. X comes intothekitchen.

"Nope,"shesays. "Why,wereyouexpectingsomeone?"

"Nope."

Well, then,that's settled.

Ring.Ring.Ring.

The next afternoon as a plane flies low over the backyard, I wake to the shrill sound of the phone from inside the house. Again. Slapping at the mosquitoes feasting on my bare legs, I unpeel my flesh from the rubber slats of the dilapidated lawn chair and stand up to answer the ringing. But it abruptly stops. Again.

Earlier thismorningI stoodwarilystaringat atruckinour drive-- wayas an old man unloadedthree large rental bikes, wondering with a heavy heart if this implied thatI was to ride with Grayer up on my shoulders.At this point, I doubt I'd so much as bat an eyelash if they suggestedthatI loadhimintomywombtomakemore roomintheLandRover.

Grayer had to explain to his father that he could only ride the red ten-speed propped up in the driveway if it had training wheels. I still can't tell if the man is totally clueless or just insanely optimistic about Grayer's capabilities.At any rate, one adult bike was exchanged for a smaller one and, to my.surprise, I was permitted to bow out of their excursion. They rode off toward town, leaving me with grand plans for a long jog, a leisurely bath, and a nap, but I seem only to have made it as far as sitting down on this deckchair inmyrunningshortsandsportsbratoputonmysneakers.Well, oneoutofthreeain't sobad.

I grope under the chair for my watch, grimacing as a sliver of wood slides under my fingernail. I pull thewatchoutandsuckgentlyontheafflictedfinger.They've beengoneforover anhour.

I head back inside, turn on the hot water in the kitchen sink and thrust my hand under it. I finally get a freemoment tomyself forthefirst time in a weekandI havetospenditcoaxingthis d.a.m.n houseout of myveryskin!

Ring.Ring.Ring.

I don't even bothertomove fromwhere I'm leaningagainstthecounter. Shegives upafter thefifth ring. Sheseemstobelosinghersubtleedge.

The hot water proves to be unsuccessful, forcing me to gather a makeshift emergency kit, consisting of a corn holder, matches, and a neglected bottle of Ketel One from the freezer. As I set up shop at the kitchentableI staredownatthecrackedgreenlinoleum. I wish I couldcallup andorder a fill-in friend, like a guy orders a stripper. Some fabulous young woman would show up with Cool Ranch Dori-tos, margaritas,and a copyof Heathers. OratleastsomeoldJane magazines. If I have to flip through Good Housekeeping from July of '88 one more time I'm going to bakemyself intoanapplepie.

I reach for the vodka, freezing when I think I hear the crunch of gravel in the driveway signaling their return. I untwist the top, pour a shot into a juice gla.s.s, and feel it roll onto my tongue. I pound the gla.s.s backonthetable,turningitover like a cowboy.

I lookover attheold, decrepitAMradioonthesideboard,andturnonthepower.

Ring.Ring.Ring.

"He's nothere!" I shoutover myshoulder.

I start rolling the k.n.o.b, dropping my head on my arm as I spin past dribbles of news and oldie stations blurring through the ancient speakers in tiny bursts of static. I move the k.n.o.b slowly, an astronaut listening for signs of life, trying to make out a Billy Joel* song amid the fuzz. My head lifts. It's not Billy ... it's Madonna!

I rollthek.n.o.b amillimeter, standingwith excitement atthefamiliar soundof "Holiday."I grabthecorn holder and shove it inby thek.n.o.b to holdit in place, crank the volume up as high as it will go, and sing along with the next best thing to a fill-in friend. There is life beyond this place, myglitter-eyed, bada.s.s, blondfriend remindsme,lifewithoutthem!

" 'If we took a holiday, oohya? " I shimmy my Lycra-clad self around the kitchen, tossing the vodka back in the freezer to chill, forgetting completely about my finger, mosquito bites, and severe sleep deprivation. Within moments I am right there with her as she insists that I take some time to celebrate, (oohya), and kick, eighties style, into the living room, grabbing Grayer's monster truck for a microphoneandbeltingit outfor all I'm worth.

I am just slidingoffthebackof thecouch,when Mr. Xthrows openthescreendoorinhis DonnaKaran runningpants. I freezein a squat,truckin hand,but he barely notices me ashe hurls his cell phoneonto thericketywingchair andstridestothestairs. I joltuptolookout the front door, where the silhouette of Mrs. X moves closer from a heap of Grayer in the middle of the driveway. I leap over Graver's toys, run into the kitchen, dislodge the corn holder, kill the power, and runbackintothelivingroomjust asthefrontdoorswingsclosed.

She eyes mymidriff. "Get him readyfor his playdate, Nanny. He claims he sc.r.a.pedhis knee, but I can't see anything. Just quiet him down. y husband has a headache." She breezes past me to the stairs, rubbingherowntemples. "Oh andsomething's wrong withhis cell. Checkit,will you?"

Mr. X screamsfromupstairs, "Where's mysuitcase?Whathaveyoudonewith mysuitcase!"

Strains of a sobbing Grayer ripple through the house as I reach for my sweatpants, finger throbbing back tolife. I pick up Mr. X's cell phone.Thecaller IDshows that all thecalls are coming from theXes' apartment.

Ring.Ring.Ring.

I struggletoopenmyheavyeyelids inthedarkness.

Ring.Ring.

1 don't knowwhyhedoesn't justcallherandtellher he's not coming back!

"Nanny!" Grayer cries out asthephonewakes himfor thethirdtime tonight.At this pointI'm aboutone ringfromcalling herandtellingherwhereshecanstickherphoneandherfoiegras.

Reachingacross thetwo-foot divide between our beds, I squeezeGrayer's sweatyhand. "The monster," he says, "is really scary. It's going to eat you up, Nanny." The whites of Grayer's eyes shine in the dark room.

I roll over onto my side to face him, while not letting go of his hand. "Think real hard, what color was themonster?I wanttoknow, 'causeI'm friendswith a few."

He's quietfor amoment. "Blue."

"Oh,yeah?SoundslikeCookieMonsterfromSesameStreet.Was hetryingtoeatme?" I asksleepily.

"You thinkit's CookieMonster?" heasks,his deathgriplighteningasherelaxes.

"Yup. I think Cookiewanted to play with us, but he scared you byaccident and was trying to tell me he wa.s.sorry.Wanttocountsheep?"Or rings?

"No.Singthesong,Nanny."

I yawn. " 'Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer,' " I croon softly, feeling his warm breath on my wrist. " Take one down, pa.s.s it around, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.'

"Hishandgrows heavyandbyninety beershe's backtosleepforatleast afewmorehours.

I turnover on myrightside andwatch him, his chest gentlyrising and falling, his hand curled under his chin,his faceforthemoment relaxedandpeaceful. "Oh,Grove,"I sayquietly.

The next morning, after indulging in three cups of unflavored coffee, and buying a case ofAfter Bite. I standagainsttheonlypayphoneintown,franticallydialing thenumbers ontheplasticphonecard.

"h.e.l.lo?" H. H. answers.

"Oh,thankG.o.d.I thoughtI wasn't goingtocatchyoubeforeyouleft."I slump againstthepayphone.

"Hey! No,I wasjustpacking. yflight's nottilleight.Whereareyou?"

"At a pay phone. They left me in town while they went to a dog breeder." I fish the box of cigarettes I boughtalongwith thephonecardoutof theplastic bagandripoffthecellophanewrapper.

"Adogbreeder?"

"Mr. X is hoping to buy a small furry replacement for himself. He's leaving this afternoon. I guess one weekof familyvacation was about all he could take." I stick a cigarette in my mouth and light it, inhaling and exhaling quickly.

"This town must have some rule against businesses selling anything but scented candles, boats in a bottle, or flavoredfudge. h.e.l.l is ayacht-shapedcandle?

"N, just come home."A family walks by, each member in various stages of finishing ice-creamcones. I turnmybodyintothebooth,guiltily hidingthecigarette.

"But I've got to get moving money together. Ugh! When I think of all those times after work that I marchedstraighttoBarneys and blewhalf mypaycheckjust tocheer myself up, 1 couldshootmyself!" I take one last inhale and stub the cigarette out on the top of a nearby fence. "I'm so unhappy," I say quietly.

"I know,I canhearthat," hesays.