The Nanny Part 23

"Jo?" She heard his croak in her hair. His voice seemed to flow through her veins and it took every effort of willpower to pull herself away from him. Her throat was dry.

To her delicious horror, Josh's body followed her, his face leaning in toward hers.

She gasped.

He gasped.

She stared at him in the dark.

He stared back at her.

She tried to speak.

He inched toward her.

"Josh?" she whispered.

"Yes?" he whispered back.

She felt tears in her eyes. "I-"

"Yes?"

"I have a boyfriend."

Josh stopped.

"What?"

"Shaun. He's coming to stay tomorrow, we've been together for six years, he's proposed three times, he works in the construction industry."

Josh moved away, and she almost fell over.

"Right," he said, all warmth gone from his voice. "Let's get you to bed."

He guided her out of the kitchen, his had barely touching her.

"I'm so sorry, I should have told you-" the tears began again.

"Don't talk daft-"

"I just couldn't find the right time-"

"Now was perfect-"

"You hate me." She tried to turn toward him.

"I don't hate you." He gently moved her away.

"You do, you hate me."

"I don't hate you."

"You do, you hate me."

"Shut up, Jo."

Friday morning started fine and bright, which Jo could really have done without. She lay in bed torturing herself with regret. How could she have got so drunk? How could she be hungover the morning she was due to pick up Shaun? How the h.e.l.l had she got into her nightshirt? She suddenly remembered what had happened when she got in last night. She cringed at the memory. The change in Josh's personality had totally unnerved her. She wondered if he would be back to normal today. Her stomach churned. Oh G.o.d. She couldn't face him. And she couldn't face Shaun. She wanted to die.

Talking of which, her body could see her point. Some breed of farmyard animal had nested in the roof of her mouth during the night, and from the feel and sound of it, her brain was escaping out of her ears. It took her a good few minutes to realize that the sound was actually Josh in the shower.

She heaved herself up, sat on the edge of her bed, and looked at her bedside clock. Mickey Mouse's long hand was nearly pointing at the twelve, which might have been why she found his smile particularly annoying this morning. She sat there for another five minutes before deciding that she was going to have to knock on the bathroom door.

She tapped gently. Nothing. She tried again. Nothing. Then just as she was about to hammer, the door opened and Josh stood there, a towel round his waist, water dripping off his torso. Her head jerked back in shock, which made it throb. "Yes?" asked Josh and then his eyes drifted to her chest. "Nice T-shirt," he said tightly. "Wile E. Coyote was my favourite, too."

She looked down at her T-shirt and frowned. Her head was not impressed by either action and let her know it in no uncertain terms.

I have to get in the shower," she croaked, "or the kids will be late for school."

Josh opened the door wide, letting it bang against the wall. "Don't let me stop you," he spoke loudly and walked past her. He was like a different person. To the sound of his door shutting, she stepped gingerly into the bathroom. She turned on the shower and stared at the falling water, wondering what she could have possibly drunk last night to make her feel this soul-destroyed.

Josh stood in his room, his body tense as he listened to Jo's shower. He lowered himself onto his futon. Then very slowly, he inched himself down so that he was lying on it. He was absolutely knackered. He'd hardly slept a wink all night. It wasn't so much the physical pain, which was making sleep hard enough, as the return of old prep.u.b.escent anxieties. He'd thought he was stronger than this. Everything, was so much easier when you had distance. He touched his forehead with his hand, then quickly moved it away again as soon as it made contact with the bruise between his eyes. He shifted into a more comfortable position.

But layered finely on top of those deep, familiar anxieties was a whole new set of fresh ones. He felt a strange, sick sense of confusion whenever he thought about last night. Jo turned out to be exactly the opposite of what he'd dared hope she was. And then, while a pattern of hateful, rea.s.suring thoughts had made themselves at home in his head, he'd had to soothe her as she poured out her heart to him: She was terrified that her dad would die of a heart attack and her mum would die of loneliness. Oh yes, and by the way, she'd forgotten to mention she had a boyfriend. So could they just pretend that all the flirting and teasing and long lingering looks and that full-body hug and come-to-bed look and neck-nuzzling hadn't happened, because by the way, that boyfriend she'd just mentioned? He was coming to stay. And then she'd instructed him to turn his back and wait for her to change, which took another half an hour because for some bizarre reason she was all fingers and thumbs.

It had been three before he'd got to bed. And once he lay there in the dark-on his own, out of Jo's presence-everything became clearer. It was much easier to see the harsh truth when it wasn't couched in a honey-limbed, aqua-eyed package.

After a night of not much sleep, he'd woken with a start at six this morning, and had had an immediate sensation of gut rot. It would pa.s.s, he told himself. It was a necessary stage, and it would pa.s.s. In too much discomfort to toss and turn, he'd had no choice but to walk through her room to the bathroom. He'd cracked open the door between them and sidled into her room. All was still. He'd tiptoed slowly across the floor, keeping his eye on the sleeping form in bed to check that it didn't wake and do anything untoward like call six policemen to beat him to a pulp.

His eyes were accustomed to the dark by the time he reached Jo's bed, and he stopped midtrack as he looked down at her.

Her long dark hair was fanned out against the pillow, her skin flushed with sleep, her lips parted in a half smile, and although those wide, almond-shaped blue eyes were shut, he noticed that the thick black lashes were gently fluttering. Soft sleep noises whispered out of her mouth, and before he knew it his mind had escaped and was wondering what she was dreaming of.

His gaze moved slowly downward. The duvet was twisted round those endless legs, and the mischievous face of Wile E. Coyote, lying snugly between her gently rising and falling b.r.e.a.s.t.s, winked up at him, man to man. He took one last glance at her innocent-looking face and proceeded into the bathroom, where he had a considerably colder shower than usual.

By the time Jo was out of the shower, he had dried, dressed, and made it into the kitchen. The children were all there with Vanessa and d.i.c.k, d.i.c.k cajoling Zak to eat his cereal, Ca.s.sie tying Tallulah's shoelaces instead of eating breakfast, while Tallulah waved her pink glittery wand over the proceedings and Vanessa jotting down notes for Jo, issuing orders for all. Josh hardened himself to the image.

"Morning all!" he greeted them. "Who wants coffee?"

"Josh!" greeted Zak. "Will you play Batman with me after school? You can be the Joker."

"Zak!" yelled d.i.c.k. "Sit down and eat your cereal. I'm not going to tell you again."

"Good," said Zak. Parents were so thick sometimes.

Josh started putting the coffee on, hardly limping, but still moving slowly. When Jo finally came into the kitchen, he ignored the fact that she was paler than usual. Holding her head, she edged her way into the kitchen and apologized profusely for waking up so late. No one answered, and Vanessa, without looking at her, started giving her notes for the day. Jo nodded at them all, her eyes on the floor.

"Oh and I've got another meeting this afternoon," continued Vanessa, "and I don't know when it's going to end, so can you pick up Ca.s.sie from her extra drama cla.s.s? You haven't got anything on have you?"

Jo's face fell.

"Oh G.o.d," she said. "I'm so sorry but I can't. Shaun's coming up today, don't you remember? I told you last week."

Josh leaned against the counter and started eating his cereal.

"s.h.i.t," muttered Vanessa.

"s.h.i.t," said Tallulah, waving her pink glittery wand over Zak's head.

"I'm really sorry," said Jo.

Josh tutted. "Why the f.u.c.k are you sorry?" he muttered through his cereal. "You're allowed to have a boyfriend."

"f.u.c.k!" cried Zak, as Tallulah poked him in the eye with her pink glittery wand.

"Josh!" yelled d.i.c.k and Vanessa.

"Whoops. Sorry guys."

"If you can't keep a civil tongue in your mouth in front of the children, perhaps you could just not talk at all," said Vanessa.

"I said sorry!"

"I'm sure it was an accident, darling," said d.i.c.k. 'Much like your eloquent "s.h.i.t." '

"s.h.i.t!" repeated Tallulah, as Zak threw cereal in her face.

Josh turned to Jo.

"You need to stop apologizing for your personal life, you know," he told her. "I hate to break it to you, but no one here gives a d.a.m.n."

"Thank you, Josh," snapped Vanessa. "I don't think we need your help here."

"Well you need someone's help," countered Josh, "or you may end up with a child who feels abandoned, which can have nasty long-term effects."

"I'll do it," said d.i.c.k quickly. "I'll come home from work early. No problem. It'll be nice to spend some quality time with Josh, too."

Josh smiled. "There, that's all sorted then. Ca.s.sie won't feel abandoned, Dad and I get to spend time together and Jo gets to do whatever the h.e.l.l she wants to do in her own personal life. Everyone's happy."

Jo blinked hard.

"Josh," said Vanessa. "Please try not to use the 'f' word in front of Ca.s.sie."

"Why?" asked Ca.s.sandra. "It's not as rude as the 'c' word. Even though that refers to a perfectly natural and beautiful part of the female body."

There was a moment's silence.

"Zak!" screeched d.i.c.k suddenly. Zak nearly fell off his chair. "Eat your cereal! or Daddy's going to get angry!"

When Jo sat in the Clio on her way to pick up Shaun from Highgate Station, she paused and took stock. This was her private s.p.a.ce-much more so than her room, which almost felt like a shared room with Josh. She'd put her collection of small, cuddly toys in it as her lucky talismen and stared at them now to try and stabilize her thoughts.

It was the first time she'd been on her own for weeks and she was about to see Shaun for the first time in over a month, in just five minutes. And her head was jam-packed full of Josh. She wanted to apologize to him, but she wasn't sure which bit of her behavior she was apologizing for. And anyway that hadn't seemed to work last night. It was all so disconcerting-not just his Jekyll/Hyde turn, but how much she was letting it upset her.

She looked at the car clock. She was going to be late for Shaun. She tried staring at her cuddly toys again. They stared right back at her. None the wiser, she started the engine. As she drove down the steep slope toward Highgate Station's entrance, she wasn't surprised to feel a knot of tension in her stomach. And then she spotted him, sitting on the wall, reading a magazine.

Cheekbones like ice and eyes that matched his denim jacket and jeans. He'd washed his hair too. Goodness me, she thought. Amba.s.sador, you are spoiling us. He didn't spot her for a while, and she parked nearby and watched him. After a moment, he looked up. They looked at each other for a second, and then both grinned as familiarity slowly seeped back into their lives.

As he got up and walked toward the car, Jo's breathing calmed. Everything was going to be alright, she was safe again. He opened the car door and leaned in, eyes twinkling in the sun.

"I wondered who that gorgeous girl was in the posh car." He grinned. "And then I realized it was my gorgeous girl."

To her surprise, Jo felt a wave of emotion wash over her, and she started crying.

Shaun quickly put his bag in the back and got into the car. "What's wrong?" he asked, looking straight ahead.

Jo flung her arms round his shoulder. "It's good to see you," she said, hugging with all her might.

Shaun closed his eyes, then held her tight until someone began hooting.

Jo really didn't want to take Shaun straight back to the Fitzgeralds', but she had the ironing and tidying to do, and Shaun said he didn't mind at all. Thank G.o.d Josh had gone out.

As it transpired, what Shaun meant was that he didn't mind seducing Jo while she tried to do the ironing. She finally gave up and they had a quick catch-up session in her bedroom. It had been nice, but she'd have preferred it if she hadn't been listening for the door with one ear, worrying about the ironing with half her mind and thinking of Josh with the rest of her body. She did enjoy the novelty aspect of making love to Shaun after such a long time. Even though they followed their well-practiced technique, it didn't feel predictable, it just felt safe and comforting, like coming home. Or rather, she thought, coming at home.

As soon as it was over, she leaped out of bed, dressed, and started the ironing again.

After ten minutes, Shaun joined her in the kitchen, pulling his shirt over his head.

Half an hour later, he watched her iron her fourth Barbie vest with impressive speed. He looked up at the kitchen clock occasionally, sipping his tea.

"There's something wrong with this tea," he said.

"It's leaves. Proper tea leaves."

"Tastes like s.h.i.t."

"You get used to it. I'll get some PG Tips in."

"Thanks, babe."

He stared at the tiny items of clothing that Jo still had to iron. Eventually, he got up and washed his mug in the sink. He'd seen taps like this in some of the new houses his teams had been commissioned to build. He mastered how the tap worked in only a few minutes. Afterward, as calmly as he could, he tore some kitchen towels off the chrome holder on the wall and wiped his groin.

He turned and watched Jo.

"Why are you ironing the boy's pants?" he asked.

Jo glanced over.

"Can you take the paper off your groin while you talk to me, please?"