The Monikins Part 25

"That is precisely the fact I desire to know."

Bob hereupon pointed to the cook; who, it will be remembered, was present as one of his train-bearers. "I believe I must say, sire, that this is the man. He fed us all; and without food, and that in considerable quant.i.ties, too, nothing could have been done."

The little blackguard was rewarded for his impudence, by exclamations of pleasure from all around him.--"It was so clever a distinction,"--"it showed so much reflection,"--"it was so very profound,"--"it proved how much he regarded the base of society;"--in short, "it was evident England would be a happy country, when he should be called to the throne!" In the meantime the cook was required to come forth, and kneel before his majesty.

"What is your name?" whispered the lord of the bed-chamber, who now spoke for himself.

"Jack Coppers, your honor."

The lord of the bed-chamber made a communication to his majesty, when the sovereign turned round by proxy, with his back towards Jack, and, giving him the accolade with his tail, he bade him rise, as "Sir Jack Coppers."

I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded witness of this act of gross and flagrant injustice. Some one pulled me aside, and then I recognized the voice of Brigadier Downright.

"You think that honors have alighted where they are least due. You think that the saying of your crown prince has more smartness than truth, more malice than honesty. You think that the court has judged on false principles, and acted on an impulse rather than on reason; that the king has consulted his own ease in affecting to do justice; that the courtiers have paid a homage to their master, in affecting to pay a homage to merit; and that nothing in this life is pure or free from the taint of falsehood, selfishness, or vanity. Alas! this is too much the case with us monikins, I must allow; though, doubtless, among men you manage a vast deal more cleverly."

CHAPTER XIX. ABOUT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSION OF TAILS, A BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLOMACY INCLUDED.

Perceiving that Brigadier Downright had an observant mind, and that he was altogether superior to the clannish feeling which is so apt to render a particular species inimical to all others, I asked permission to cultivate his acquaintance; begging, at the same time, that he would kindly favor me with such remarks as might be suggested by his superior wisdom and extensive travels, on any of those customs or opinions that would naturally present themselves in our actual situation. The brigadier took the request in good part, and we began to promenade the rooms in company. As the Archbishop of Aggregation, who was to perform the marriage ceremony, was shortly expected, the conversation very naturally turned on the general state of religion in the monikin region.

I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas of this insulated portion of the world were based on principles absolutely identical with those of all Christendom. The monikins believe that they are a miserable lost set of wretches, who are so debased by nature, so eaten up by envy, uncharitableness, and all other evil pa.s.sions, that it is quite impossible they can do anything that is good of themselves; that their sole dependence is on the moral interference of the great superior power of creation; and that the very first, and the one needful step of their own, is to cast themselves entirely on this power for support, in a proper spirit of dependence and humility. As collateral to, and consequent on, this condition of the mind, they lay the utmost stress on a disregard of all the vanities of life, a proper subjection of the l.u.s.ts of the flesh, and an abstaining from the pomp and vainglory of ambition, riches, power, and the faculties. In short, the one thing needful was humility--humility--humility. Once thoroughly humbled to a degree that put them above the danger of backsliding, they obtained glimpses of security, and were gradually elevated to the hopes and the condition of the just.

The brigadier was still eloquently discoursing on this interesting topic, when a distant door opened, and a gold stick, or some other sort of stick, announced the right reverend father in G.o.d, his grace the most eminent and most serene prelate, the very puissant and thrice gracious and glorified saint, the Primate of All Leaphigh!

The reader will antic.i.p.ate the eager curiosity with which I advanced to get a glimpse of a saint under a system as sublimated as that of the great monikin family. Civilization having made such progress as to strip all the people, even to the king and queen, entirely of everything in the shape of clothes, I did not well see under what new mantle of simplicity the heads of the church could take refuge! Perhaps they shaved off all the hair from their bodies in sign of supereminent self-abas.e.m.e.nt, leaving themselves naked to the cuticle, that they might prove, by ocular evidence, what a poor ungainly set of wretches they really were, carnally considered; or perhaps they went on all-fours to heaven, in sign of their unfitness to enter into the presence of the pure of mind in an att.i.tude more erect and confident. Well, these fancies of mine only went to prove how erroneous and false are the conclusions of one whose capacity has not been amplified and concatenated by the ingenuities of a very refined civilization. His grace the most gracious father in G.o.d, wore a mantle of extraordinary fineness and beauty, the material of which was composed of every tenth hair taken from all the citizens of Leaphigh, who most cheerfully submitted to be shaved, in order that the wants of his most eminent humility might be decently supplied. The mantle, wove from such a warp and such a woof, was necessarily very large; and it really appeared to me that the prelate did not very well know what to do with so much of it, more especially as the contributions include a new robe annually. I was now desirous of getting a sight of his tail; for, knowing that the Leaphighers take great pride in the length and beauty of that appurtenance, I very naturally supposed that a saint who wore so fine and glorious a robe, by way of humility, must have recourse to some novel expedient to mortify himself on his sensitive subject, at least.

I found that the ample proportions of the mantle concealed not only the person, but most of the movements of the archbishop; and it was with many doubts of my success that I led the brigadier behind the episcopal train to reconnoitre. The result disappointed expectation again. Instead of being dest.i.tute of a tail, or of concealing that with which nature had supplied him beneath his mantle, the most gracious dignitary wore no less than six caudae, viz., his own, and five others added to it, by some subtle process of clerical ingenuity that I shall not attempt to explain; one "bent on the other," as the captain described them in a subsequent conversation. This extraordinary train was allowed to sweep the floor; the only sign of humility, according to my uninstructed faculties, I could discern about the person and appearance of this ill.u.s.trious model of clerical self-mortification and humility.

The brigadier, however, was not tardy in setting me right. In the first place, he gave me to understand that the hierarchy of Leaphigh was ill.u.s.trated by the order of their tails. Thus, a deacon wore one and a half; a curate, if a minister, one and three-quarters, and a rector two; a dean, two and a half, an archdeacon, three; a bishop, four; the Primate of Leaphigh, five, and the Primate of ALL Leaphigh, six. The origin of the custom, which was very ancient, and of course very much respected, was imputed to the doctrine of a saint of great celebrity, who had satisfactorily proved that as the tail was the intellectual or the spiritual part of a monikin, the farther it was removed from the ma.s.s of matter, or the body, the more likely it was to be independent, consecutive, logical, and spiritualized. The idea had succeeded astonishingly at first; but time, which will wear out even a cauda, had given birth to schisms in the church on this interesting subject; one party contending that two more joints ought to be added to the archbishop's embellishment, by way of sustaining the church, and the other that two joints ought to be incontinently abstracted, in the way of reform.

These explanations were interrupted by the appearance of the bride and bridegroom, at different doors. The charming Chatterissa advanced with a most prepossessing modesty, followed by a glorious train of n.o.ble maidens, all keeping their eyes, by a rigid ordinance of hymeneal etiquette, dropped to the level of the queen's feet. On the other hand, my lord Chatterino, attended by that c.o.xcomb Hightail, and others of his kidney, stepped towards the altar with a lofty confidence, which the same etiquette exacted of the bridegroom. The parties were no sooner in their places, than the prelate commenced.

The marriage ceremony, according to the formula of the established church of Leaphigh, is a very solemn and imposing ceremony. The bridegroom is required to swear that he loves the bride and none but the bride; that he has made his choice solely on account of her merits, uninfluenced even by her beauty; and that he will so far command his inclinations as, on no account, ever to love another a jot. The bride, on her part, calls heaven and earth to witness, that she will do just what the bridegroom shall ask of her; that she will be his bondwoman, his slave, his solace and his delight; that she is quite certain no other monikin could make her happy, but, on the other hand, she is absolutely sure that any other monikin would be certain to make her miserable. When these pledges, oaths, and a.s.severations were duly made and recorded, the archbishop caused the happy pair to be wreathed together, by encircling them with his episcopal tail, and they were then p.r.o.nounced monikin and monikina. I pa.s.s over the congratulations, which were quite in rule, to relate a short conversation I held with the brigadier.

"Sir," said I, addressing that person, as soon as the prelate said 'amen,' "how is this? I have seen a certificate, myself, which showed that there was a just admeasurement of the fitness of this union, on the score of other considerations than those mentioned in the ceremony?"

"That certificate has no connection with this ceremony."

"And yet this ceremony repudiates all the considerations enumerated in the certificate?"

"This ceremony has no connection with that certificate."

"So it would seem; and yet both refer to the same solemn engagement!"

"Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Goldencalf, we monikins (for in these particulars Leaphigh is Leaplow) have two distinct governing principles in all that we say or do, which may be divided into the theoretical and the practical--moral and immoral would not be inapposite--but, by the first we control all our interests, down as far as facts, when we immediately submit to the latter. There may possibly be something inconsistent in appearance in such an arrangement; but then our most knowing ones say that it works well. No doubt among men, you get along without the embarra.s.sment of so much contradiction."

I now advanced to pay my respects to the Countess of Chatterino, who stood supported by the countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity and elegance of demeanor. The moment I appeared, the elaborate air of modesty, vanished from the charming countenance of the bride, in a look of natural pleasure; and, turning to her new mother, she pointed me out as a man! The courteous old dowager gave me a very kind reception, inquiring if I had enough good things to eat, whether I was not much astonished at the mult.i.tude of strange sights I beheld in Leaphigh, said I ought to be much obliged to her son for consenting to bring me over, and invited me to come and see her some fine morning.

I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join the brigadier, with a view to seek an introduction to the archbishop. Before I relate the particulars of my interview with that pious prelate, however, it may be well to say that this was the last I ever saw of any of the Chatterino set, as they retired from the presence immediately after the congratulations were ended. I heard, however, previously to leaving the region, which was within a month of the marriage, that the n.o.ble pair kept separate establishments, on account of some disagreement about an incompatibility of temper--or a young officer of the guards--I never knew exactly which; but as the estates suited each other so well, there is little doubt that, on the whole, the match was as happy as could be expected.

The archbishop received me with a great deal of professional benevolence, the conversation dropping very naturally into a comparison of the respective religious systems of Great Britain and Leaphigh. He was delighted when he found we had an establishment; and I believe I was indebted to his knowledge of this fact for his treating me more as an equal than he might otherwise have done, considering the difference in species. I was much relieved by this; for, at the commencement of the conversation, he had sounded me a little on doctrine, at which I am far from being expert, never having taken an interest in the church, and I thought he looked frowning at some of my answers; but, when he heard that we really had a national religion, he seemed to think all safe, nor did he once, after that, inquire whether we were pagans or Presbyterians. But when I told him we had actually a hierarchy, I thought the good old prelate would have shaken my hand off, and beatified me on the spot!

"We shall meet in heaven some day!" he exclaimed, with holy delight; "men or monikins, it can make no great difference, after all. We shall meet in heaven; and that, too, in the upper mansions!"

The reader will suppose that, an alien, and otherwise unknown, I was much elated by this distinction. To go to heaven in company with the Archbishop of Leaphigh was in itself no small favor; but to be thus noticed by him at court was really enough to upset the philosophy of a stranger. I was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend to particulars, and that he might have found some essential points of difference to nip his new-born admiration. Had he asked me, for instance, how many caudae our bishops wear, I should have been badgered; for, as near as I could recollect, their personal ill.u.s.tration was of another character. The venerable prelate, however, soon gave me his blessing, pressed me warmly to come to his palace before I sailed, promised to send some tracts by me to England, and then hurried away, as he said, to sign a sentence of excommunication against an unruly presbyter, who had much disturbed the harmony of the church, of late, by an attempt to introduce a schism that he called "piety."

The brigadier and myself discussed the subject of religion at some length, when the ill.u.s.trious prelate had taken his leave. I was told that the monikin world was pretty nearly equally divided into two parts, the old and the new. The latter had remained uninhabited, until within a few generations, when certain monikins, who were too good to live in the old world, emigrated in a body, and set up for themselves in the new.

This, the brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow account of the matter; the inhabitants of the old countries, on the other hand, invariably maintaining that they had peopled the new countries by sending all those of their own communities there, who were not fit to stay at home. This little obscurity in the history of the new world, he considers of no great moment, as such trifling discrepancies must always depend on the character of the historian. Leaphigh was by no means the only country in the elder monikin region. There were among others, for instance, Leapup and Leapdown; Leapover and Leapthrough; Leaplong and Leapshort; Leapround and Leapunder. Each of these countries had a religious establishment, though Leaplow, being founded on a new social principle, had none. The brigadier thought, himself, on the whole, that the chief consequences of the two systems were, that the countries which had establishments had a great reputation for possessing religion, and those that had no establishments were well enough off in the article itself, though but indifferently supplied on the score of reputation.

I inquired of the brigadier if he did not think an establishment had the beneficial effect of sustaining truth, by suppressing heresies, limiting and curtailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise setting limits to innovations. My friend did not absolutely agree with me in all these particulars; though he very frankly allowed that it had the effect of keeping TWO truths from falling out, by separating them. Thus, Leapup maintained one set of religious dogmas under its establishment, and Leapdown maintained their converse. By keeping these truths apart, no doubt, religious harmony was promoted, and the several ministers of the gospel were enabled to turn all their attention to the sins of the community, instead of allowing it to be diverted to the sins of each other, as was very apt to be the case when there was an antagonist interest to oppose.

Shortly after, the king and queen gave us all our conges. Noah and myself got through the crowd without injury to our trains, and we separated in the court of the palace; he to go to his bed and dream of his trial on the morrow, and I to go home with Judge People's Friend and the brigadier, who had invited me to finish the evening with a supper. I was left chatting with the last, while the first went into his closet to indite a dispatch to his government, relating to the events of the evening.

The brigadier was rather caustic in his comments on the incidents of the drawing-room. A republican himself, he certainly did love to give royalty and n.o.bility some occasional rubs; though I must do this worthy, upright monikin the justice to say, he was quite superior to that vulgar hostility which is apt to distinguish many of his caste, and which is founded on a principle as simple as the fact that they cannot be kings and n.o.bles themselves.

While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite at our ease, and in undress as it were, the brigadier in his bob, and I with my tail aside, Judge People's Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open in his hand.

He read aloud what he had written, to my great astonishment, for I had been accustomed to think diplomatic communications sacred. But the judge observed, that in this case it was useless to affect secrecy, for two very good reasons; firstly, because he had been obliged to employ a common Leaphigh scrivener to copy what he had written--his government depending on a n.o.ble republican economy, which taught it that, if it did get into difficulties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it would still have the money that a clerk would cost, to help it out of the embarra.s.sment; and, secondly, because he knew the government itself would print it as soon as it arrived. For his part, he liked to have the publishing of his own works. Under these circ.u.mstances, I was even allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which I now furnish a fac-simile.

"SIR:--The undersigned, envoy-extraordinary and minister-plenipotentiary of the North-Western Leaplow Confederate Union, has the honor to inform the secretary of state, that our interests in this portion of the earth are, in general, on the best possible footing; our national character is getting every day to be more and more elevated; our rights are more and more respected, and our flag is more and more whitening every sea.

After this flattering and honorable account of the state of our general concerns, I hasten to communicate the following interesting particulars.

"The treaty between our beloved North-Western Confederate Union and Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its articles; nineteen Leaplow seamen have been forcibly impressed into a Leapthrough vessel of war; the king of Leapup has made an unequivocal demonstration with a very improper part of his person, at us; and the king of Leapover has caused seven of our ships to be seized and sold, and the money to be given to his mistress.

"Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of our foreign relations; which can only be imputed to the glorious const.i.tution of which we are the common servants, and to the just dread which the Leaplow name has so universally inspired in other nations.

"The king has just had a drawing-room, in which I took great care to see that the honor of our beloved country should be faithfully attended to. My cauda was at least three inches longer than that of the representative of Leapup, the minister most favored by nature in this important particular; and I have the pleasure of adding, that her majesty the queen deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of the sincerity of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir; for, though there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain unseemly words to our beloved country lately, it would quite exceed the rules of diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained by proof, were we to call in question her royal sincerity on this public occasion. Indeed, sir, at all the recent drawing-rooms I have received smiles of the most sincere and encouraging character, not only from the king, but from all his ministers, his first-cousin in particular; and I trust they will have the most beneficial effects on the questions at issue between the Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved country. If they would now only do us justice in the very important affair of the long-standing and long-neglected redress, which we have been seeking in vain at their hands for the last seventy-two years, I should say that our relations were on the best possible footing.

"Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which the Leaplow name is treated, in the most distant quarters of the earth, and on the benign influence this fortunate circ.u.mstance is likely to exercise on all our important interests.

"I see but little probability of effecting the object of my special mission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the sincerity of the smiles of the king and queen, and of all the royal family."

"In a late conversation with his majesty, he inquired in the kindest manner after the health of the Great Sachem [this is the t.i.tle of the head of the Leaplow government], and observed that our growth and prosperity put all other nations to shame; and that we might, on all occasions, depend on his most profound respect and perpetual friendship.

In short, sir, all nations, far and near, desire our alliance, are anxious to open new sources of commerce, and entertain for us the profoundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You can tell the Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly augmented under his administration, and that it has at least quadrupled during my mission.

If Leaphigh would only respect its treaties, Leapthrough would cease taking our seamen, Leapup have greater deference for the usages of good society, and the king of Leapover would seize no more of our ships to supply his mistress with pocket-money, our foreign relations might be considered to be without spot. As it is, sir, they are far better off than I could have expected, or indeed had ever hoped to see them; and of one thing you may be diplomatically certain, that we are universally respected, and that the Leaplow name is never mentioned without all in company rising and waving their caudae."

"(Signed.) JUDAS PEOPLE'S FRIEND."

"Hon.---------, etc."

"P. S. (Private.)"

"Dear Sir:--If you publish this dispatch, omit the part where the difficulties are repeated, I beg you will see that my name is put in with those of the other patriots, against the periodical rotation of the little wheel, as I shall certainly be obliged to return home soon, having consumed all my means. Indeed, the expense of maintaining a tail, of which our people have no notion, is so very great, that I think none of our missions should exceed a week in duration.

"I would especially advise that the message should dilate on the subject of the high standing of the Leaplow character in foreign nations; for, to be frank with you, facts require that this statement should be made as often as possible."

When this letter was read, the conversation reverted to religion. The brigadier explained that the law of Leaphigh had various peculiarities on this subject, that I do not remember to have heard of before. Thus, a monikin could not be born without paying something to the church, a practice which early initiated him into his duties towards that important branch of the public welfare; and, even when he died, he left a fee behind him, for the parson, as an admonition to those who still existed in the flesh, not to forget their obligations. He added that this sacred interest was, in short, so rigidly protected, that, whenever a monikin refused to be plucked for a new clerical or episcopal mantle, there was a method of fleecing him, by the application of red-hot iron rods, which generally singed so much of his skin, that he was commonly willing, in the end, to let the hair-proctors pick and choose at pleasure.