The Monikins Part 23

"Admirably executed, judge, and in a way to induce one to believe that you must have paid great attention to the practice."

"I have performed this manoeuvre, Sir John, five times in real life; and my claim to be a patriotic patriot is founded on its invariable success.

A single false step might have ruined me; but as you say, practice makes perfect, and perfection is the parent of success."

"And yet I do not rightly understand how so sudden a desertion of one's own side, to go over in this active manner head over heels, I may say, to another side, const.i.tutes a fair claim to be deemed so pure a character as that of a patriot."

"What, sir, is not he who throws himself defencelessly into the very middle of the ranks of the enemy, the hero of the combat? Now, as this is a political struggle, and not a warlike struggle, but one in which the good of the country is alone uppermost, the monikin who thus manifests the greatest devotion to the cause, must be the purest patriot. I give you my honor, sir, all my own claims are founded entirely on this particular merit."

"He is right, Sir John; you may believe every word he says," observed the brigadier, nodding.

"I begin to understand your system, which is certainly well adapted to the monikin habits, and must give rise to a n.o.ble emulation in the practice of the rotatory principle. But I understood you to say, colonel, that the people of Leaplow are from the hive of Leaphigh?"

"Just so, sir."

"How happens it, then, that you dock yourselves of the n.o.bler member, while the inhabitants of this country cherish it as the apple of the eye--nay, as the seat of reason itself?"

"You allude to our tails?--Why, sir, nature has dealt out these ornaments with a very unequal hand, as you may perceive on looking out of the window. We agree that the tail is the seat of reason, and that the extremities are the most intellectual parts; but, as governments are framed to equalize these natural inequalities, we denounce them as anti-republican. The law requires, therefore, that every citizen, on attaining his majority, shall be docked agreeably to a standard measure that is kept in each district. Without some such expedient, there might be an aristocracy of intellect among us, and there would be an end of our liberties. This is the qualification of a voter, too, and of course we all seek to obtain it."

Here the brigadier leaned across the table and whispered that a great patriot, on a most trying occasion, had succeeded in throwing a summerset out of his own into the antagonist line, and that, as he carried with him all the sacred principles for which his party had been furiously contending for many years, he had been unceremoniously dragged back by his tail, which unfortunately came within reach of those quondam friends on whom he had turned his back; and that the law had, in truth, been pa.s.sed in the interests of the patriots. He added, that the lawful measure allowed a longer stump than was commonly used; but that it was considered underbred for any one to wear a dock that reached more than two inches and three quarters of an inch into society, and that most of their political aspirants, in particular, chose to limit themselves to one inch and one quarter of an inch, as a proof of excessive humility.

Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensible explanation, the conversation was resumed.

"I had thought, as your inst.i.tutions are founded on reason and nature, judge," I continued, "that you would be more disposed ta cultivate this member than to mutilate it; and this the more especially, as I understand all monikins believe it to be the very quintessence of reason."

"No doubt, sir; we do cultivate our tails, but it is on the vegetable principle, or as the skilful gardener lops the branch that it may throw out more vigorous shoots. It is true, we do not expect to see the tail itself sprouting out anew; but then we look to the increase of its reason, and to its more general diffusion in society. The extremities of our cauda, as fast as they are lopped, are sent to a great intellectual mill, where the mind is extracted from the matter, and the former is sold, on public account, to the editors of the daily journals. This is the reason our Leaplow journalists are so distinguished for their ingenuity and capacity, and the reason, too, why they so faithfully represent the average of the Leaplow knowledge."

"And honesty, you ought to add," growled the brigadier.

"I see the beauty of the system, judge, and very beautiful it is! This essence of lopped tails represents the average of Leaplow brains, being a compound of all the tails in the country; and, as a daily journal is addressed to the average intellect of the community, there is a singular fitness between the readers and the readees. To complete my stock of information on this head, however, will you just allow me to inquire what is the effect of this system on the totality of Leaplow intelligence?"

"Wonderful! As we are a commonwealth, it is necessary to have a unity of sentiment on all leading matters, and by thus compounding all the extremes of our reasons we get what is called 'public opinion'; which public opinion is uttered through the public journals--"

"And a most patriotic patriot is always chosen to be the inspector of the mill," interrupted the brigadier.

"Better and better! you send all the finer parts of your several intellects to be ground up and kneaded together; the compound is sold to the journalists, who utter it anew, as the results of the united wisdom of the country--"

"Or, as public opinion. We make great account of reason in all our affairs, invariably calling ourselves the most enlightened nation on earth; but then we are especially averse to anything like an insulated effort of the mind, which is offensive, anti-republican, aristocratic and dangerous. We put all our trust in this representation of brains, which is singularly in accordance with the fundamental base of our society, as you must perceive."

"We are a commercial people, too," put in the brigadier; "and being much accustomed to the laws of insurance, we like to deal in averages."

"Very true, brother Downright, very true; we are particularly averse to anything like inequality. Ods zooks! it is almost as great an offence for a monikin to know more than his neighbors, as it is for him to act on his own impulses. No--no--we are truly a free and an independent commonwealth, and we hold every citizen as amenable to public opinion, in all he does, says, thinks, or wishes."

"Pray, sir, do both of the two great political lines send their tails to the same mills, and respect the same general sentiments?"

"No, sir; we have two public opinions in Leaplow."

"TWO public opinions!"

"Certainly, sir; the horizontal and the perpendicular."

"This infers a most extraordinary fertility of thought, and one that I hold to be almost impossible!"

Here the commodore and the brigadier incontinently both laughed as hard as they could; and that, too, directly in my face.

"Dear me, Sir John--why, my dear Sir John! you are really the drollest creature!"--gasped the judge, holding his sides--"the very funniest question I have ev--ev--ever encountered!" He now stopped to wipe his eyes; after which he was better able to express himself. "The same public opinion, forsooth!--Dear me--dear me, that I should not have made myself understood!--I commenced, my good Sir John, by telling you that we deal in duplicates, on a hint from nature; and that we act on the rotatory principle. In obedience to the first, we have always two public opinions; and, although the great political landmarks are drawn in what may be called a stationary sense, they, too, are in truth rotatory.

One, which is thought to lie parallel to the fundamental law, or the const.i.tutional meridian of the country, is termed the horizontal, and the other the perpendicular line. Now, as nothing is really stationary in Leaplow, these two great landmarks are always acting, likewise, on the rotatory principle, changing places periodically; the perpendicular becoming the horizontal, and vice versa; they who toe their respective marks, necessarily taking new views of things as they vary the line of sight. These great revolutions are, however, very slow, and are quite as imperceptible to those who accompany them, as are the revolutions of our planet to its inhabitants."

"And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the judge has just now spoken," added the brigadier, "are much the same as the eccentric movements of the comets that embellish the solar system, without deranging it by their uncertain courses."

"No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we had but ONE public opinion," resumed the judge. "Ecod, I do not know what would become of the most patriotic patriots in such a dilemma!"

"Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places, if you have as many places as there are citizens?"

"Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly, into the two great subdivisions of the 'inner' and the 'outer.' Those who toe the mark on the most popular line occupy the former, and those who toe the mark on the least popular line take all the rest, as a matter of course. The first, however, it is necessary to explain, are the only places worth having. As great care is had to keep the community pretty nearly equally divided--"

"Excuse the interruption--but in what manner is this effected?"

"Why, as only a certain number can toe the mark, we count all those who are not successful in getting up to the line, as outcasts; and, after fruitlessly hanging about our skirts for a time, they invariably go over to the other line; since it is better to be first in a village than second in Rome. We thus keep up something like an equilibrium in the state, which, as you must know, is necessary to liberty. The minority take the outer places, and all the inner are left to the majority. Then comes another subdivision of the places; that is to say, one division is formed of the honorary, and another of the profitable places. The honorary, or about nine-tenths of all the inner places, are divided, with great impartiality, among the ma.s.s of those who have toed the mark on the strongest side, and who usually are satisfied with the glory of the victory. The names of the remainder are put into the wheels to be drawn for against the prizes, on the rotatory principle."

"And the patriots, sir;--are they included in this chance medley?"

"Far from it. As a reward for their dangers, they have a little wheel to themselves, although they, also, are compelled to submit to the rotatory principle. Their cases differ from those of the others, merely in the fact that they always get something."

I would gladly have pursued the conversation, which was opening a flood of light upon my political understanding; but just then, a fellow with the air of a footman entered, carrying a packet tied to the end of his cauda. Turning round, he presented his burden, with profound respect, and withdrew. I found that the packet contained three notes with the following addresses:

"To His Royal Highness Bob, Prince of Wales, etc., etc., etc."

"To My Lord High Admiral Poke, etc., etc., etc."

"To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, etc., etc., etc."

Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own note was eagerly opened. It read as follows:

"The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, lord of the bed-chamber in waiting on his majesty, informs Master John Goldencalf, clerk, that he is commanded to attend the drawing-room, this evening, when the nuptial ceremony will take place between the Earl of Chatterino and the Lady Chatterissa, the first maid of honor to Her Majesty the Queen.

"N. B. The gentlemen will appear full dress."

On explaining the contents of my note to the judge, he informed me that he was aware of the approaching ceremony, as he had also an invitation to be present, in his official character. I begged, as a particular favor, England having no representative at Leaphigh, that he would do me the honor to present me, in his capacity of a foreign minister.

The envoy made no sort of objection, and I inquired as to the costume necessary to be observed; as, so far as I had seen, it was good-breeding at Leaphigh to go naked. The envoy had the goodness to explain, that, although, in point of mere attire, clothing was extremely offensive to the people of both Leaphigh and Leaplow, yet, in the former country, no one could present himself at court, foreign ministers excepted, without a cauda. As soon as we understood each other on these points, we separated, with an understanding that I was to be in readiness (together with my companions, of whose interest I had not been forgetful) to attend the envoy and the brigadier, when they should call for me, at an hour that was named.

CHAPTER XVIII. A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER--JUSTICE IN VARIOUS ASPECTS, AS WELL AS HONOR.

My guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for the landlady, to inquire if any court-dresses were to be had in the neighborhood. She told me plenty might certainly be had, that were suited to the monikin dimensions, but she much doubted whether there was a tail in all Leaphigh, natural or artificial, that was at all fit for a person of my stature. This was vexatious; and I was in a brown study, calling up all my resources for the occasion, when Mr. Poke entered the inn, carrying in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as I remember ever to have seen.

Throwing one towards me, he said the lord high admiral of Leaphigh had acquainted him that there was an invitation out for the prince and himself, as well as for the governor of the former, to be present at court within an hour. He had hurried off from what he called a very good dinner, considering there was nothing solid (the captain was particularly fond of pickled pork), to let me know the honor that was intended us; and on the way home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono, who, on being acquainted with his errand, had not failed to point out the necessity of the whole party coming en habit de cour. Here was a dilemma, with a vengeance; for the first idea that struck the captain was, "the utter impossibility of finding anything in this way, in all Leaphigh, befitting a lord high admiral of his length of keel; for, as to going in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should look like a three-decked ship, with a brig's spar stepped for a lower mast!" Dr.

Reasono, however, had kindly removed the embarra.s.sment, by conducting him to the cabinet of natural history, where three suitable appendages had been found, viz., two fine relics of oxen, [Footnote: Cauda Bovum.--BUF.] and another, a capital specimen, that had formerly been the mental lever, or, as the captain expressed it, "the steering oar"