The Monikins Part 16

"'Resolved, That this meeting now adjourn sine die.'"

"We are told that the last resolution was just carried by acclamation, when nature arose in her might, and took ample vengeance for all her wrongs. The great boiler of the earth burst with a tremendous explosion, carrying away, as the thinnest part of the workmanship, not only Mr.

John Jaw, and all his partisans, but forty thousand square miles of territory. The last that was seen of them was about thirty seconds after the occurrence of the explosion, when the whole ma.s.s disappeared near the northern horizon, going at a rate a little surpa.s.sing that of a cannon ball which has just left its gun."

"King!" exclaimed Noah; "that is what we sailors call 'to cut and run.'"

"Was nothing ever heard of Mr. Jaw and his companions, my good Doctor?"

"Nothing that could be depended on. Some of our naturalists a.s.sume that the monkeys which frequent the other parts of the earth are their descendants, who, stunned by the shock, have lost their reasoning powers, while, at the same time, they show glimmerings of their origin.

This is, in truth, the better opinion of our savans; and it is usual with us, to distinguish all the human species of monkeys by the name of 'the lost monikins.' Since my captivity, chance has thrown me in the way of several of these animals, who were equally under the control of the cruel Savoyards; and in conversing with them, in order to inquire into their traditions and to trace the a.n.a.logies of language, I have been led to think there is some foundation for the opinion. Of this, however, hereafter."

"Pray, Dr. Reasono, what became of the forty thousand square miles of territory?"

"Of that we have a better account; for one of our vessels, which was far to the northward, on an exploring expedition, fell in with it in longitude 2 degrees from Leaphigh, lat.i.tude 6 degrees S., and by her means it was ascertained that divers islands had been already formed by falling fragments; and, judging by the direction of the main body when last seen, the fertility of that part of the world, and various geological proofs, we hold that the great western archipelago is the deposit of the remainder."

"And the monikin region, sir--what was the consequence of this phenomenon to that part of the world?"

"Awful--sublime--various--and durable! The more important, or the personal consequences, shall be mentioned first. Fully one-third of the monikin species were scalded to death. A great many contracted asthmas and other diseases of the lungs, by inhaling steam. Most of the bridges were swept away by the sudden melting of the snows, and large stores of provisions were spoiled by the unexpected appearance and violent character of the thaw. These may be enumerated among the unpleasant consequences. Among the pleasant, we esteem a final and agreeable melioration of the climate, which regained most of its ancient character, and a rapid and distinct elongation of our caudtz, by a sudden acquisition of wisdom.

"The secondary, or the terrestrial consequences, were as follows:--By the suddenness and force with which so much steam rushed into s.p.a.ce, finding its outlet several degrees from the pole, the earth was canted from its perpendicular att.i.tude, and remained fixed, with its axis having an inclination of 23 degrees 27' to the plane of its...o...b..t.

At the same time the orb began to move in vacuum, and, restrained by antagonistic attractions, to perform what is called its annual revolution."

"I can very well understand, friend Reasono," observed Noah, "why the 'arth should heel under so sudden a flaw, though a well-ballasted ship would right again when the puff was over; but I cannot understand how a little steam leaking out at one end of a craft should set her agoing at the rate we are told this world travels?"

"If the escape of the steam were constant, the diurnal motion giving it every moment a new position, the earth would not be propelled in its...o...b..t, of a certainty, Captain Poke; but as, in fact, this escape of the steam has the character of pulsation, being periodical and regular, nature has ordained that it shall occur but once in the twenty-four hours, and this at such a time as to render its action uniform, and its impulsion always in the same direction. The principle on which the earth receives this impetus, can be easily ill.u.s.trated by a familiar experiment. Take, for instance, a double-barrelled fowling-piece, load both barrels with extra quant.i.ties of powder, introduce a ball and two wads into each barrel, place the breech within 4 628/1000 inches of the abdomen, and take care to fire both barrels at once. In this case, the b.a.l.l.s will give an example of the action of the forty thousand square miles of territory, and the person experimenting will not fail to imitate the impulsion, or the backward movement of the earth."

"While I do not deny that such an experiment would be likely to set both parties in motion, friend Reasono, I do not see why the 'arth should not finally stop, as the man would be sure to do, after he had got through with hopping, and kicking, and swearing."

"The reason why the earth, once set in motion in vacuum, does not stop, can also be elucidated by experiment, as follows:--Take Captain Noah Poke, provided as he is by nature with legs and the power of motion; lead him to the Place Vendome; cause him to pay three sous, which will gain him admission to the base of the column; let him ascend to the summit; thence let him leap with all his energy, in a direction at right angles with the shaft of the column, into the open air; and it will be found that, though the original impulsion would not probably impel the body more than ten or twelve feet, motion would continue until it had reached the earth. Corollary: hence it is proved that all bodies in which the vis inertia has been overcome will continue in motion, until they come in contact with some power capable of stopping them."

"King!--Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the 'arth makes its circuit, as much owing to this said steam of yours shoving, as it were, always a little on one side, acting thereby in some fashion as a rudder, which causes her to keep waring as we seamen call it, and as big crafts take more room than small ones in waring, why, she is compelled to run so many millions of miles, before, as it were, she comes up to the wind ag'in? Now, there is reason in such an idee; whereas, I never could reconcile it to my natur', that these little bits of stars should keep a craft like the 'arth in her course, with such a devil of a way on her, as we know in reason she must have, to run so far in a twelvemonth.

Why, the smallest yaw--and, for a hooker of her keel, a thousand miles wouldn't be a broader yaw than a hundred feet in a ship--the smallest yaw would send her aboard of the Jupiter, or the Marcury, when there would be a smashing of out-board work such as mortal never before witnessed!"

"We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy of attraction, sir; nor do I see that your proposition would at all obviate your own objection."

"Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us suppose there was a steamer with a hundred miles of keel; let us suppose the steam up, and the craft with a broad offing; let us suppose her helm lash'd hard aport, and she going at the rate of ten thousand knots the hour, without bringing up or shortening sail for years at a time. Now, all this being admitted, what would be her course? Why, sir, any child could tell you, she would keep turning in a circle of some fifty or a hundred thousand miles in circ.u.mference; and such, it appears to me, it is much more rational to suppose is the natur' of the 'arth's traversing, than all this steering small among stars and attractions."

"There is truly something very plausible, Captain Poke, in your suggestion; and I propose that you shall profit by the first occasion to lay your opinions on the subject, more at large, before the Academy of Leaphigh."

"With all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that knowledge, like good liquor, is given to be pa.s.sed round from one to another, and not to be gulped in a corner by any particular individle. And now I'm throwing out hints of this natur' I will just intimate another that you may add to your next demonstration, by way of what you call a corollary; which is this--that is to say--if all you tell us about the bursting of the boiler, and the polar kick be true, then is the 'arth the first steamboat that was ever invented, and the boastings of the French, and the English, and the Spaniards, and the Italians, on this point, are no more than so much smoke."

"And of the Americans, too, Captain Poke," I ventured to observe.

"Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. I don't well see how Fulton could have stolen the idee, seeing that he did not know the Doctor, and most probably never heard of Leaphigh in his life."

We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa, at the nicety of the navigator's distinctions; and the philosopher's lecture, in its more didactic form, being now virtually at an end, a long and desultory conversation took place, in which a mult.i.tude of ingenious questions were put by Captain Poke and myself, and which were as cleverly answered by the Doctor and his friends.

At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he was, and much as he loved science, had not given himself all this trouble without a view to what are called ulterior considerations, came out with a frank expose of his wishes. Accident had apparently combined all the means for gratifying the burning desire I betrayed to be let into further details of the monikin polity, morals, philosophy, and all the other great social interests of the part of the world they inhabit. I was wealthy beyond bounds, and the equipment of a proper vessel would be an expenditure of no moment; both the Doctor and Lord Chatterino were good practical geographers, after they were once within the parallel of 77 degrees south, and Captain Poke, according to his own account of himself, had pa.s.sed half his life in poking about among the sterile and uninhabited islands of the frozen ocean. What was there to prevent the most earnest wishes of all present from being gratified? The captain was out of employment, and no doubt would be glad to get the command of a good tight sea-boat; the strangers pined for home, and it was my most ardent wish to increase my stake in society, by taking a further interest in monikins.

On this hint, I frankly made a proposal to the old sealer to undertake the task of restoring these amiable and enlightened strangers to their own firesides and families. The Captain soon began to discover a little of his Stunin'tun propensity; for the more I pressed the matter on him, the more readily he found objections. The several motives he urged for declining the proposal, may be succinctly given as follows:--

It was true that he wanted employment, but then he wanted to see Stunin'tun too; he doubted whether monkeys would make good sailors; it was no joke to run in among the ice, and it might be still less of one to find our way back again; he had seen the bodies of dead seals and bears that were frozen as hard as stone, and which might, for anything he knew, have lain in that state a hundred years, and, for his part, he should like to be buried when he was good for nothing else. How did he know these monikins might not catch the men, when they had once fairly got them in their country, and strip them, and make them throw summersets, as the Savoyards had compelled the Doctor, and even the Lady Chatterissa to do?--he knew he should break his neck the very first flap-jack; if he were ten years younger, perhaps he should like the frolic; he did not believe the right sort of craft could be found in England, and for his part, he liked sailing under the stars and stripes; he didn't know but he might go if he had a crew of Stunin'tunners; he always knew how to get along with such people; he could scare one by threatening to tell his marm how he behaved, and bring another to reason by hinting that the gals would shy him if he wasn't more accommodating; then there might be no such place as Leaphigh, after all; or, if there was, he might never find it; as for wearing a bison-skin under the equator, it was quite out of the question, a human skin being a heavy load to carry in the calm lat.i.tudes; and finally that he didn't exactly see what he was to get by it.

These objections were met, one by one, reversing the order in which they were made, and commencing with the last.

I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the reward. This proposal brought a gleam of satisfaction into Noah's eyes, though he shook his head, as if he thought it very little. It was then suggested that there was no doubt we should discover certain islands that were well stored with seals, and that I would waive all claims as owner, and that hereafter he might turn these discoveries to his own private account. At this bait he nibbled, and, at one time, I thought he was about to suffer himself to be caught. But he remained obstinate. After trying all our united rhetoric, and doubling the amount of the pecuniary offer, Dr.

Reasono luckily bethought him of the universal engine of human weakness, and the old sealer, who had resisted money--an influence of known efficacy at Stunin'tun--ambition, the secret of new sealing grounds, and all the ordinary inducements that might be thought to have weight with men of his cla.s.s, was, in the end, hooked by his own vanity!

The philosopher cunningly expatiated on the pleasure there would be in reading a paper before the Academy of Leaphigh, on the subject of the captain's peculiar views touching the earth's annual revolution, and of the virtue of sailing planets, with their helms lashed hard aport, when all the dogmatical old navigator's scruples melted away like snow in a thaw.

CHAPTER XIII. A CHAPTER OF PREPARATIONS--DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER--A TIGHT FIT, AND OTHER CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT.

I shall pa.s.s lightly over the events of the succeeding month. During this time, the whole party were transferred to England, a proper ship had been bought and equipped, the family of strangers were put in quiet possession of their cabins, and I had made all ray arrangements for being absent from England for the next two years. The vessel was a stout-built, comfortable ship of about three hundred tons burden, and had been properly constructed to encounter the dangers of the ice. Her accommodations were suitably arranged to meet all the exigencies of both monikin and human wants, the apartments of the ladies being very properly separated from those of the gentlemen, and otherwise rendered decorous and commodious. The Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly called their private room the gynecee, which, as I afterwards ascertained, was a term for the women's apartment, obtained from the Greek, the monikins being quite as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing their acquirements by the introduction of words from foreign tongues.

Noah showed great care in the selection of the ship's company, the service being known to be arduous, and the duties of a very responsible character. For this purpose, he made a journey expressly to Liverpool (the ship lying in the Greenland Dock at London), where he was fortunate enough to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen, two Norwegians, and a Swede, all of whom had been accustomed to cruising as near the poles as ordinary men ever succeeded in reaching. He was also well suited in his cook and mates; but I observed that he had great difficulty in finding a cabin-boy to his mind. More than twenty applicants were rejected, some for the want of one qualification, and some for the want of another. As I was present at several examinations of different candidates for the office, I got a little insight into his manner of ascertaining their respective merits.

The invariable practice was, first, to place a bottle of rum and a pitcher of water before the lad, and to order him to try his hand at mixing a gla.s.s of grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected for manifesting a natural inapt.i.tude at hitting the juste milieu, in this important part of the duty of a cabin-boy. Most of the candidates, however, were reasonably expert in the art; and the captain soon came to the next requisite, which was, to say "Sir," in a tone, as Noah expressed it, somewhere between the snap of a steel-trap and the mendicant whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for deficiencies on this score, the captain remarking that most of them "were the sa'ciest blackguards" he had ever fallen in with. When he had, at length, found one who could mix a tumbler of grog, and answer "Sir," to his liking, he proceeded to make experiments on their abilities in carrying a soup-tureen over a slushed plank; in wiping plates without a napkin, and without using their shirt-sleeves; in snuffing candles with their fingers; in making a soft bed with few materials besides boards; in mixing the various compounds of burgoo, lobscouse, and dough, (which he affectedly p.r.o.nounced duff); in fattening pigs on beef-bones, and ducks on the sweepings of the deck; in looking at mola.s.ses without licking his lips; and in various other similar accomplishments, which he maintained were as familiar to the children of Stunin'tun, as their singing-books and the ten commandments. The nineteenth candidate, to my uninstructed eyes, seemed perfect; but Noah rejected him for the want of a quality that he declared was indispensable to the quiet of the ship. It appeared that he was too bony about an essential part of his anatomy, a peculiarity that was very dangerous to a captain, as he himself was once so unfortunate as to put his great toe out of joint, by kicking one of those ill-formed youngsters with unpremeditated violence; a thing that was very apt to happen to a man in a hurry. Luckily, No. twenty pa.s.sed, and was immediately promoted to the vacant berth. The very next day the ship put to sea, in good condition, and with every prospect of a fortunate voyage.

I will here state that a general election occurred the week before we sailed; and I ran down to Householder and got myself returned, in order to protect the interests of those who had a natural right to look up to me for that small favor.

We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly Islands over the taffrail, and Mr. Poke took command of the vessel in good earnest.

Coming down channel, he had done little more than rummage about in the cabin, examine the lockers, and make his foot acquainted with the anatomy of poor Bob, as the cabin-boy was called; who, judging from the amount of the captain's practice, was admirably well suited for his station, in the great requisite of a kickee. But, the last hold of the land loosened by the departure of the pilot, our navigator came forth in his true colors, and showed the stuff of which he was really made. The first thing he did was to cause a pull to be made on every halyard, bowline, and brace in the ship; he then rattled off both mates, in order to show them (as he afterwards told me in confidence) that he was captain of his own vessel; gave the people to understand he did not like to speak twice on the same subject and on the same occasion, which he said was a privilege he very willingly left to Congressmen and women; and then he appeared satisfied with himself and all around him.

A week after we had taken our departure, I ventured to ask Captain Poke if it might not be well enough to take an observation, and to resort to some means in order to know where the ship was. Noah treated this idea with great disrespect. He could see no use in wearing out quadrants without any necessity for it. Our course was south, we knew, for we were bound to the south pole; all we had to do was to keep America on the starboard, and Africa on the larboard hand. To be sure, there was something to be said about the trades, and a little allowance to be made for currents now and then; but he and the ship would get to be better acquainted before a great while, and then all would go on like clockwork. A few days after this conversation, I was on deck just as day dawned, and to my surprise Noah, who was in his berth, called out to the mate, through the skylight, to let him know exactly how the land bore.

No one had yet seen any land; but at this summons we began to look about us, and sure enough there was an island dimly visible on the eastern board! Its position by compa.s.s was immediately communicated to the captain, who seemed well satisfied with the result. Renewing his admonition to the officer of the deck to take care and keep Africa on the larboard hand, he turned over in his bed to resume his nap.

I afterwards understood from the mates, that we had made a very capital fall upon the trades, and that we were getting on wonderfully well, though it was quite as great a mystery to them as it was to me, how the captain could know where the ship was; for he had not touched his quadrant, except to wipe it with a silk handkerchief, since we left England. About a fortnight after we had pa.s.sed the Cape de Verds, Noah came on deck in a great rage, and began to storm at the mate and the man at the wheel for not keeping the ship her course. To this the former answered with spirit, that the only order he had received in a fortnight, was "to keep her jogging south, allowing for variation," and that she was heading at that moment according to orders. Hereupon, Noah gave Bob, who happened to pa.s.s him just then, a smart application a posteriori, and swore "that the compa.s.s was as big a fool as the mate; that the ship was two points off her course; that south was hereaway, and not thereaway; that he knew by the feel of the wind that it had no northin' in it, and we had got it away on the quarter, whereas it ought to be for'ard of the beam; that we were running for Rio instead of Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to the latter country, we must haul up on a good taut bowline." The mate, to my surprise, suddenly acquiesced, and immediately brought the ship by the wind. He afterwards told me, in a half-whisper, that the second mate having been sharpening some harpoons, had unwittingly left them much too close to the binnacle; and that, in fact, the magnet had been attracted by them, so as to deceive the man at the wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees as to the real points of the compa.s.s. I must say this little occurrence greatly encouraged me, leaving no doubt about our eventual and safe arrival as far, at least, as the boundary of ice which separates the human from the monikin region. Profiting by this feeling of security, I now began to revive the intercourse with the strangers, which had been partially interrupted by the novel and disagreeable circ.u.mstances of a sea life.

The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is much the case with females at sea, rarely left the gynecee; but as we drew near the equator, the philosopher and the young peer pa.s.sed most of their time on deck, or aloft. Dr. Reasono and I spent half of the mild nights in discussing subjects connected with my future travels; and as soon as we were well clear of the rain and the thunder and lightning of the calm lat.i.tudes, Captain Poke, Robert, and myself began to study the language of Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was included in this arrangement, Noah intimating we should find it convenient to take him on sh.o.r.e with us, since a wish to conceal my destination had induced me to bring no servant along. Luckily for us, the monikin ingenuity had greatly diminished the labor of the acquisition. The whole language was spoken and written on a system of decimals, which rendered it particularly easy, after the elementary principles were once acquired. Thus, unlike most human tongues, in which the rule usually forms the exception, no departure from its laws was ever allowed, under the penalty of the pillory. This provision, the captain protested, was the best rule of them all, and saved a vast deal of trouble; for, as he knew by experience, a man might be a perfect adept in the language of Stunin'tun, and then be laughed at in New York for his pains. The comprehensiveness of the tongue was also another great advantage; though, like all other eminent advantages or excessive good, it was the next-door neighbor to as great an evil. Thus, as my Lord Chatterino obligingly explained, "we-witch-it-me-c.u.m" means "Madam, I love you from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and as I love no other half as well, it would make me the happiest monikin on earth, if you would consent to become my wife, that we might be models of domestic propriety before all eyes, from this time henceforth and forever." In short, it was the usual and most solemn expression for asking in marriage; and, by the laws of the land, was binding on the proposer until as formally declined by the other party. But, unluckily, the word "we-switch-it-me-c.u.m" means "Madam, I love you from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and, if I did not love another better, it would make me the happiest monikin on earth, if you would consent to become my wife, that we might be models of domestic propriety before all eyes, from this time henceforth and forever." Now this distinction, subtle and insignificant as it was to the eye and the ear, caused a vast deal of heart-burning and disappointment among the young people of Leaphigh.

Several serious lawsuits had grown out of this cause, and two great political parties had taken root in the unfortunate mistake of a young monikin of quality, who happened to lisp, and who used the fatal word indiscreetly. That feud, however, was now happily appeased, having lasted only a century, but it would be wise, as we were all three bachelors, to take note of the distinction. Captain Poke said he thought, on the whole, he was perfectly safe, as he was much accustomed to the use of the word "switchel"; but he thought it might be very well to go before some consul as soon as the ship anch.o.r.ed, and enter a formal protest of our ignorance of all these niceties, lest some advantage should be taken of us by the reptiles of lawyers; that he in particular was not a bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furious as a hurricane, if by accident, he should happen to forget himself. The matter was deferred for future deliberation.

About this time, too, I had some more interesting communications with Dr. Reasono, on the subject of the private histories of all the party of which he was the princ.i.p.al member. It would seem that the philosopher, though rich in learning, and the proprietor of one of the best developed caudce in the entire monikin world, was poor in the more vulgar attributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed freely, therefore, from the stores of his philosophy, and through the medium of the academy of Leaphigh, on all his fellows, he was obliged to seek an especial recipient for his surplus knowledge, in the shape of a pupil, in order to provide for the small remains of the animal that still lingered in his habits. Lord Chatterino, the orphan heritor of one of the n.o.blest and wealthiest, as well as one of the most ancient houses of Leaphigh, had been put under his instruction at a very tender age, as had my Lady Chatterissa under that of Mrs. Lynx, with very much the same objects.

This young and accomplished pair had early distinguished each other, in monikin society, for their unusual graces of person, general attainments, mutual amiableness of disposition, harmony of thought, and soundness of principles. Everything was propitious to the gentle flame which was kindled in the vestal bosom of Chatterissa, and which was met by a pa.s.sion so ardent and so respectful, as that which glowed in the heart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the respective parties, so soon as the budding sympathy between them was observed, in order to prevent the blight of wishes so appropriate, had called in the aid of the matrimonial surveyor-general of Leaphigh, an officer especially appointed by the king in council, whose duty it is to take cognizance of the proprieties of all engagements that are likely to a.s.sume a character as grave and durable as that of marriage. Dr. Reasono showed me the certificate issued from the Marriage Department on this occasion, and which, in all his wanderings, he had contrived to conceal within the lining of the Spanish hat the Savoyards had compelled him to wear, and which he still preserved as a doc.u.ment that was absolutely indispensable on his return to Leaphigh; else he would never be permitted to travel afoot in company with two young people of birth and of good estates, who were of the different s.e.xes. I translate the certificate, as literally as the poverty of the English language will allow.

Extract from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department, Leaphigh, season of nuts, day of brightness.

Vol. 7243, p. 82.

Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952 3/4 acres of land; meadow, arable and wood in just proportions.

Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 115,999 1/2 acres of land; mostly arable.

Decree, as of record; it is found that the lands of my Lady Chatterissa possess in quality what they want in quant.i.ty.

Lord Chatterino: Birth; sixteen descents pure; one b.a.s.t.a.r.dy--four descents pure--a suspicion--one descent pure--a certainty.