The Monikins Part 12

"Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble of referring to the instrument itself, he would see that the backers of Dr. Reasono were mentioned in the plural number, while that of Sir John himself was alluded to only in the singular number."

"Perfectly true, my lord; but you will, however, permit me to remark that two monikins would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of Dr.

Reasono, while he appears here with three; there certainly must be some limits to this plurality, or the Doctor would have a right to attend the interview accompanied by all the inhabitants of Leaphigh."

"The objection is highly ingenious, and creditable in the last degree to the diplomatic abilities of Sir John Goldencalf; but, among monikins, two females are deemed equal to only one male, in the eye of the law.

Thus, in cases which require two witnesses, as in conveyances of real estate, two male monikins are sufficient, whereas it would be necessary to have four female signatures, in order to give the instrument validity. In the legal sense, therefore, I conceive that Dr. Reasono is attended by only two monikins."

Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision in the law of Leaphigh was a good one; for he often had occasion to remark that women, quite half the time, did not know what they were about; and he thought, in general, that they require more ballast than men.

"This reply would completely cover the case, my lord," I answered, "were the protocol purely a monikin doc.u.ment, and this a.s.sembly purely a monikin a.s.sembly. But the facts are notoriously otherwise. The doc.u.ment is drawn up in a common vehicle of thought among scholars, and I gladly seize the opportunity to add, that I do not remember to have seen a better specimen of modern latinity."

"It is undeniable, Sir John," returned Lord Chatterino, waving his tail in acknowledgment of the compliment, "that the protocol itself is in a language that has now become common property; but the mere medium of thought, on such occasions, is of no great moment, provided it is neutral as respects the contracting parties; moreover, in this particular case, article 11 of the protocol contains a stipulation that no legal consequences whatever are to follow the use of the Latin language; a stipulation that leaves the contracting parties in possession of their original rights. Now, as the lecture is to be a monikin lecture, given by a monikin philosopher, and on monikin grounds, I humbly urge that it is proper the interview should generally be conducted on monikin principles."

"If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin ground (which I have a right to a.s.sume, since the greater necessarily includes the less), I beg leave to remind your lordship, that the parties are, at this moment, in a neutral country, and that, if either of them can set up a claim of territorial jurisdiction, or the rights of the flag, these claims must be admitted to be human, since the locataire of this apartment is a man, in control of the locus in quo, and pro hac vice, the suzerain."

"Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction, Sir John, and I beg leave to amend my plea. All I mean is, that the leading consideration in this interview, is a monikin interest--that we are met to propound, explain, digest, animadvert on, and embellish a monikin theme--that the accessory must be secondary to the princ.i.p.al--that the lesser must merge, not in your sense, but in my sense, in the greater--and, by consequence, that--"

"You will accord me your pardon, my dear lord, but I hold--"

"Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence to be excused if I say--"

"One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you, in order that--"

"A thousand, very cheerfully, Sir John, but--"

"My Lord Chatterino!"

"Sir John Goldencalf!"

Hereupon we both began talking at the same time, the n.o.ble young monikin gradually narrowing down the direction of his observations to the single person of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, I afterwards had occasion to know, was an excellent listener; and I, in my turn, after wandering from eye to eye, settled down into a sort of oration that was especially addressed to the understanding of Captain Noah Poke. My auditor contrived to get one ear entirely clear of the bison's skin, and nodded approbation of what fell from me, with a proper degree of human and clannish spirit. We might possibly have harangued in this desultory manner, to the present time, had not the amiable Chatterissa advanced, and, with the tact and delicacy which distinguish her s.e.x, by placing her pretty patte on the mouth of the young n.o.bleman, effectually checked his volubility. When a horse is running away, he usually comes to a dead stop, after driving through lanes, and gates, and turnpikes, the moment he finds himself master of his own movements, in an open field. Thus, in my own case, no sooner did I find myself in sole possession of the argument, than I brought it to a close. Dr. Reasono improved the pause, to introduce a proposition that, the experiment already made by myself and Lord Chatterino being evidently a failure, he and Mr. Poke should retire and make an effort to agree upon an entirely new programme of the proceedings. This happy thought suddenly restored peace; and, while the two negotiators were absent, I improved the opportunity to become better acquainted with the lovely Chatterissa and her female Mentor. Lord Chatterino, who possessed all the graces of diplomacy, who could turn from a hot and angry discussion, on the instant, to the most bland and winning courtesy, was foremost in promoting my wishes, inducing his charming mistress to throw aside the reserve of a short acquaintance, and to enter, at once, into a free and friendly discourse.

Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries returned, for it appears that, owing to a const.i.tutional peculiarity, or, as he subsequently explained it himself, a "Stunin'tun principle," Captain Poke conceived he was bound, in a bargain, to dispute every proposition which came from the other party. This difficulty would probably have proved insuperable, had not Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of a frank and liberal proposal to leave every other article, without reserve, to the sole dictation of his colleague, reserving to himself the same privilege for all the rest. Noah, after being well a.s.sured that the philosopher was no lawyer, a.s.sented; and the affair, once begun in this spirit of concession, was soon brought to a close. And here I would recommend this happy expedient to all negotiators of knotty and embarra.s.sing treaties, since it enables each party to gain his point, and probably leaves as few openings for subsequent disputes, as any other mode that has yet been adopted. The new instrument ran as follows, it having been written, in duplicate, in English and in Monikin. It will be seen that the pertinacity of one of the negotiators gave it very much the character of a capitulation.

PROTOCOL of an Interview, &c., &c., &c.

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

ARTICLE 1. There shall be an interview.

ART. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can come and go at pleasure.

ART. 3. The said interview shall be conducted, generally, on philosophical and liberal principles.

ART. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be used at discretion.

ART. 5. That either party shall have the privilege of propounding questions, and either party the privilege of answering them.

ART. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen, or no one talk, unless so disposed.

ART. 7. The attire of all present shall be conformable to the abstract rules of propriety and decorum.

ART. 8. Agreed; provided the bison-skins may be reefed, from time to time, according to the state of the weather.

ART. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be rigidly respected.

ART. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be taken by lawyers.

Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the respective doc.u.ments like two hawks, eagerly looking for flaws, or the means of maintaining the opinions we had before advanced, and which we had both shown so much cleverness in supporting.

"Why, my lord, there is no provision for the appearance of any monikins at all at this interview!"

"The generality of the terms leaves it to be inferred that all may come and go who may be so disposed."

"Your pardon, my lord; article 8 contains a direct allusion to BISON-SKINS in the PLURAL, and under circ.u.mstances from which it follows, by a just deduction, that it was contemplated that more than ONE wearer of the said skins should be present at the said interview."

"Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer me to observe that by article 1, it is conditioned that there shall be an interview; and by article 3, it is furthermore agreed that the said interview shall be conducted 'on philosophical and liberal principles'; now, it need scarcely be urged, good Sir John, that it would be the extreme of illiberality to deny to one party any privilege that was possessed by the other."

"Perfectly just my lord, were this an affair of mere courtesy; but legal constructions must be made on legal principles, or else, as jurists and diplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable ocean of conjecture."

"And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that 'no advantage shall be taken by lawyers.' By considering articles 3 and 10 profoundly and in conjunction, we learn that it was the intention of the negotiators to spread the mantle of liberality, apart from all the subtleties and devices of mere legal pract.i.tioners, over the whole proceedings. Permit me, in corroboration of what is now urged, to appeal to the voices of those who framed the very conditions about which we are now arguing. Did YOU, sir," continued my Lord Chatterino, turning to Captain Poke, with emphasis and dignity; "did you, sir, when you drew up this celebrated article 10--did you deem that you were publishing authority of which the lawyers could take advantage?"

A deep and very sonorous "No," was the energetic reply of Mr. Poke.

My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal grace, to the Doctor, first diplomatically waving his tail three times, continued:

"And you, sir, in drawing up article 3, did you conceive that you were supporting and promulgating illiberal principles?"

The question was met by a prompt negative, when the young n.o.ble paused, and looked at me like one who had completely triumphed.

"Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irrefutably argumentative, and unanswerably just, my lord," I put in; "but I must be permitted to hint that the validity of all laws is derived from the enactment; now the enactment, or, in the case of a treaty, the virtue of the stipulation, is not derived from the intention of the party who may happen to draw up a law or a clause, but from the a.s.sent of the legal deputies. In the present instance, there are two negotiators, and I now ask permission to address a few questions to them, reversing the order of your own interrogatories; and the result may possibly furnish a clue to the quo animo, in a new light." Addressing the philosopher, I continued--"Did YOU, sir, in a.s.senting to article 10, imagine that you were defeating justice, countenancing oppression, and succoring might to the injury of right?"

The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt, a very conscientious, "No."

"And YOU, sir," turning to Captain Poke, "did you, in a.s.senting to article 3, in the least conceive that, by any possibility, the foes of humanity could torture your approbation into the means of determining that the bison-skin wearers were not to be upon a perfect footing with the best monikins of the land?"

"Blast me, if I did!"

But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method of reasoning--"

"Was first resorted to by yourself, my lord--"

"Nay, good Sir--"

"Permit me, my dear lord--"

"Sir John--"

"My lord--"