The Mental Floss History Of The World Part 5

Next stop: Babylon. Luckily for Cyrus, King Nabonidus-a commoner who'd seized power in a coup-was utterly incompetent. He foolishly alienated the important Babylonian priesthood by refusing to honor Marduk, Babylon's chief G.o.d. Even worse, he spent most of his time in faraway cities, rebuilding temples to other G.o.ds, which was pretty much the ancient version of a Jerry Springer throwdown.

While he was out of town, Nabonidus left his son Belshazzar in charge, but Belshazzar wasn't particularly interested in affairs of government. According to the Bible, a disembodied hand wrote a supernatural message on the wall of Belshazzar's palace reading, "You have been judged, and found lacking, by the Persians." The hand was right. In 539 BCE resistance in Babylon crumbled, and Cyrus entered the city as a liberator, without a drop of blood spilled. Nabonidus and Belshazzar were arrested and died in captivity.

Cyrus was ready to play by the rules. His first act was a visit to the temple of Marduk, where he made extravagant sacrifices and distributed bribes to the priests. Marduk's approval of Cyrus then became part of Persian propaganda: Cyrus later boasted that Marduk had chosen him to be "king of the whole world."

Cyrus also returned sacred objects stolen by the Babylonians from different subject peoples around the Middle East, earning huge goodwill from his new const.i.tuents. In his most famous act of toleration, he freed the Jews, held prisoner in Babylon since being kidnapped fifty years before, and gave them funds to rebuild the temple destroyed by Babylon's King Nebuchadnezzar. Cyrus also returned the gold vessels used in temple ceremonies that Nebuchadnezzar had stolen.

NOT CHOSEN, BUT NOT TOO BAD, EITHER.

Even though he wasn't Jewish, Cyrus is remembered by Jews as one of "G.o.d's anointed," a "messiah" or "savior" (but not the the Messiah/Savior). In ancient times, the Jews recognized virtuous gentiles who followed the most important injunctions-against idol worship, murder, adultery, and so on-as "righteous gentiles" or "righteous among nations," meaning they would be admitted to Paradise even if they didn't observe the sabbath. In modern times the state of Israel created an award for the "Righteous Among Nations" to recognize gentiles who had helped Jews escape the Holocaust. Messiah/Savior). In ancient times, the Jews recognized virtuous gentiles who followed the most important injunctions-against idol worship, murder, adultery, and so on-as "righteous gentiles" or "righteous among nations," meaning they would be admitted to Paradise even if they didn't observe the sabbath. In modern times the state of Israel created an award for the "Righteous Among Nations" to recognize gentiles who had helped Jews escape the Holocaust.

Cyrus's successors continued the imperial expansion at full throttle. Under his remote cousin Darius, the Persian empire reached its zenith. Modeling his enlightened government on Cyrus, Darius (another "the Great") followed local customs wherever possible. This local sensitivity helped mask the efficient centralized administration he created. Darius divided his huge empire into twenty "satrapies," or provinces ruled by "satraps," or governors. Each satrapy paid a certain amount of gold and silver as tribute to the Great King every year, and had to supply a certain number of troops in wartime. To combat corruption and keep the satraps under control, Darius employed the "Great King's Eyes"-spies who made secret inspections and then reported back to him.

Persian domination was stable, and their empire, covering most of the known world, seemed destined to last forever. There was just one small problem: a feisty group of people living on the far western fringe of the empire who called themselves the Greeks...

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SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE...

What Happens in Vegas...

Human beings have been degenerate gamblers since pretty much day one, and we have the archaeological evidence to prove it: dice. The first dice, made from the heel bones of hoofed animals, were used by Stone Age people around forty thousand years ago. Variants of these "natural" dice-called astragali by archaeologists, from the scientific name of the heel bone-were used all over the world for thousands of years.

Then, around 1500 BCE, an Egyptian gambler made the first "cubic" dice. While astragali produced respectably fair (i.e., random) results when tossed in the air, the ancient Egyptian gamer understood that a perfectly square object, with faces of identical size, should be even more random. The first Egyptian dice were made out of ivory-the start of an unfortunate trend that continued until the invention of plastic, costing many unlucky elephants their tusks (and lives).

The Egyptian dice were used to play a game with religious overtones called Senet, in which competing players tried to maneuver their "souls" (pieces) into the afterlife. Despite its spiritual bent, the game was probably an occasion for betting-and the Egyptians had plenty of other games of chance if they ever got bored with Senet. In fact, gambling became such a problem that the pharaohs banned it, sending offenders to do hard labor in the royal quarries. Like most other attempts to control gambling throughout history, the royal decrees probably didn't have much of an impact.

Around 900 BCE, the Etruscans of northern Italy were using dice that pretty much resembled modern dice, with opposite sides containing markings that added up to seven: one and six, two and five, three and four. By this time, contemporary dice from other parts of the Mediterranean were being made from a variety of materials including bronze, agate, onyx, marble, rock crystal, amber, alabaster, and porcelain.

Of course, just as some humans have always been gamblers, some gamblers have always been cheats. Archaeologists excavating the ancient city of Pompeii-which was covered in ash by a volcano in 79 CE-found numerous sets of dice, including several loaded pairs.

Tamales (con Salsa!)

In addition to an incredibly precise calendar and the number zero, the Olmec people of Central America also invented the delicious tamale-a thick piece of dough made from ground corn, which can be used to wrap and cook an endless variety of tasty ingredients. Mexican restaurants everywhere owe the Olmec a major round of gracias gracias!

The basic stone tools for grinding corn-the mano and metate-date back to pre-Olmec times, with archaeological evidence from before 1500 BCE. Women used the cylindrical mano like a rolling pin, to crush corn kernels on the curved surface of the metate. However, the "cla.s.sic" tamale probably didn't emerge until after 1000 BCE, when a clever cook in Guatemala discovered the secret to getting the full nutritional value from corn: the kernels must be cooked with lime or wood ash to release the vitamin B3 (niacin), which is critical to human health. (niacin), which is critical to human health.

TAKE YOUR VITAMINS.

Niacin deficiency leads to a dangerous disease called pellagra, which usually kills its victims after four or five years of painful skin lesions, diarrhea, and dementia. Fun, no?

Since a plain tamale is rather dull, the Olmec probably experimented with various sauces to spice it up, thus inventing the precursors to modern salsa. Although there's no physical evidence of salsa making, archaeologists and ethn.o.botanists (scientists who study agriculture) do know that the Olmec cultivated tomatoes, chiles, corn, and beans, thus providing plenty of ingredients for a protosalsa.

The main show, of course, was the filling inside the tamale. Here the Olmec had a wide variety of meats, including the usual favorites such as chicken, deer, wild pig, and sh.e.l.lfish, but also (brace yourself) dog, turtle, monkey, alligator, and various insects. Happily you won't find these latter ingredients in modern Mexican cuisine (usually).

Highways and Byways

The Great King of Persia had a lot of stuff to keep track of: east to west, from India to Greece, the Persian empire spanned three thousand miles. To keep the empire locked down-including the rebellious Ionian Greek colonies on the west coast of Anatolia-Darius I decided to build the world's first superhighway: a paved road running about sixteen hundred miles, from the imperial capital in Susa to the provincial capital of Sardis, near the west coast of Anatolia.

The project was a mind-boggling feat of engineering. As the Royal Road resembled other ancient paving projects, it probably called for a layer of clay, a layer of sand, a layer of gravel, and then a surface layer of large cobblestones. In many places it was just a matter of connecting existing local roads together-but then the old roads were repaved, too.

The road described by the Greek historian Herodotus included 111 lodges (roughly one every 15 miles) with free food, water, and bedding for travelers. The safety of travelers was personally guaranteed by the Great King, with Herodotus noting that "through out...it is free from danger." According to Herodotus, it took about three months to traverse the 1,600-mile distance-an incredibly short journey at that time.

The Royal Road encouraged east-west trade contacts, and also allowed the establishment of a lightning-fast postal service for the Persian rulers. The kings of Persia could send messages-and armies-to far-flung regions of their empire at a moment's notice.

"Nothing mortal travels so fast as these Persian messengers...These men will not be hindered from accomplishing at their best speed the distance which they have to go, either by snow, or rain, or heat, or by the darkness of night. The first rider delivers his dispatch to the second, and the second pa.s.ses it to the third; and so it is borne from hand to hand along the whole line."-Herodotus, on the Persian postal service

Setting the Bar Really High for Valentine's Day

Although he's remembered in the Jewish Old Testament as a real SOB, King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon was apparently a nice family man at home. In fact, he built one of the seven ancient wonders of the world just to keep his wife happy.

Nebuchadnezzar had a problem with his beautiful young queen Amyitis, and unfortunately this meant he had a political problem too. Amyitis was a princess from Medea (in modern-day Iran), and the Babylonian king had married her to cement an alliance with the Medes. But Amyitis complained that the Mesopotamian desert was depressing; she missed the greenery and mountain streams of her homeland. So Nebuchadnezzar brought the mountains to her.

Most of what we know about the Hanging Gardens of Babylon is based on sketchy descriptions in ancient sources-including its distinctive name, which sounds a bit weird to modern ears (from a distance, the gardens probably appeared to be suspended or "hanging" in midair).

The gardens were built to an impressive height, resembling a mountain; in fact, that was the whole point. The Greek historian and geographer Strabo described the structure in the following way: "It consists of vaulted terraces raised one above another, and resting upon cube-shaped pillars. These are hollow and filled with earth to allow trees of the largest size to be planted. The pillars, the vaults, and terraces are constructed of baked brick and asphalt." Another Greek writer, Diodorus Siculus, added that "it was planted with all sorts of trees, which both for greatness and beauty might delight the spectators."

So how big were the gardens? Diodorus Siculus claimed they were four hundred feet on a side and eighty feet tall, making them one of the tallest structures in the ancient world. Small streams and waterfalls snaked everywhere, watering the greenery and providing the pleasant sound of running water. According to Strabo, getting the water to the top was a rather labor-intensive process: "The ascent to the highest story is by stairs, and at their side are water engines, by means of which persons, appointed expressly for the purpose, are continually employed in raising water from the Euphrates into the garden."

Let's hope Amyitis was happy.

Iron, Man!

Bronze ruled from around 3200 BCE to 1200 BCE, when it was replaced by an even stronger metal, iron. It took longer for people to make iron tools because, unlike copper, iron nuggets don't exist in nature. Iron sources were limited mostly to meteorites with high iron content, making the element very rare.

The Indo-European invaders who settled Europe, the Middle East, and India seemed to know the secret of smelting iron ore to create iron weapons. They created the Hitt.i.te empire in the Middle East around 1600 BCE and the Vedic civilization of India shortly afterward. A second round of Indo-European invaders, the Dorians, appeared in Greece with iron implements around 1200 BCE.

ALL THAT GLITTERS.

At one time iron was considered more valuable than gold. Iron daggers were among the crown jewels buried with the dead pharaoh Tutankhamen, and the ancient Egyptians called the metal "black gold from heaven," in reference to its meteoritic origins.

But it took a technological breakthrough to make large-scale iron production possible in the Mediterranean world. Beginning around 1300 BCE, special ovens called "bloomeries" allowed ironmongers to remove contaminants and produce relatively pure iron. Once it became widely available, iron allowed for the creation of stronger weapons and tools, such as scythes, plows, hammers, and axes.

NonIndo-European civilizations such as Egypt and a.s.syria began using iron implements around this time. Ironworking technology may have developed independently in sub-Saharan Africa around 1000 BCE, beginning with the Nok civilization of West Africa. The spread of iron working coincided with the rise of the Bantu people, who fanned out from their homeland in modern Nigeria and conquered sub-Saharan Africa in the first millennium BCE.

AND THANKS, BUT NO THANKS, FOR...

Hemorrhoids from h.e.l.l (or Heaven, Actually)

The variety of punishments inflicted on the enemies of the Jews (and on the Jews themselves) by the Old Testament G.o.d is kind of mind-boggling. Here's a good one: hemorrhoids! If hemorrhoids seem unpleasant today, just remember the ancients had neither explanation nor treatment for the burning a.n.a.l affliction. Like many other areas of ancient medicine, the best doctors could do was advise prayer and a good att.i.tude until you died.

Foreigners who arrived in Palestine around 1200 BCE, the Philistines weren't the Hebrews' favorite people to begin with. So when they defeated the Israelites during the reign of the Hebrew judge Eli and made off with the Ark-an ornate wooden case in which Moses (supposedly) had placed the stone tablets containing the Ten Commandments-they incurred G.o.d's wrath big time. The Ark was kind of like a security blanket for the Hebrews: it was really important for them to have it at all times, no matter what. When the ninety-eight-year-old judge Eli heard the news, he fell down and broke his neck-it was that serious.

But the Ark carried a special curse for the heathens who insulted it: G.o.d gave the Philistines a case of ma.s.s hemorrhoids. If you think an a.n.a.l plague sounds improbable, you're right: there's no other case of a ma.s.s hemorrhoid attack in recorded history, and no transmissible virus or bacteria that spreads hemorrhoids, which are typically due to chronic disorders. But the Bible is very, very specific on this point. How specific? Well, more specific than contemporary commercials for Preparation H: "He smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts."

These were clearly no ordinary hemorrhoids: some of the Philistines actually died. And of course, when it rains, it pours: the Philistine cities were also overrun by mice, which ate all the food supplies and were generally unsanitary. After seven months of a.n.a.l/mouse tag-team misery, the Philistines consulted their priests, who advised them to return the Ark to the Israelites with a "trespa.s.s" offering, to apologize for the whole misunderstanding. The offering was five golden mice and...wait for it...five golden hemorrhoids.

The Philistines "laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods," and said good-bye to the Ark of the Covenant. Their ma.s.s hemorrhoids disappeared-but now the Hebrews got in trouble. Seeing the oxen pulling the unmanned cart from the Philistines, the simple Jewish farmers of Beth-Shamesh thought, "Free lunch!" and cooked the oxen up, using the cart as firewood. Worse, they looked at the golden hemorrhoids and mice, which involved opening the Ark of the Covenant, and that is Against the Rules According to G.o.d. So G.o.d wiped out the whole town, which actually makes hemorrhoids sound not that bad.

Pedophilia

The Greeks were a kinky lot by modern standards. Although modern critics point to them as an ancient civilization that accepted h.o.m.os.e.xuality, that's not quite right. They didn't identify "h.o.m.os.e.xuality" as a lifestyle pursued by a specific group of people called "h.o.m.os.e.xuals"; rather, it was a universal phenomenon that most upper-cla.s.s males pa.s.sed through and then left behind at a certain point in life. What's more, the Greeks approved of male-male s.e.xual contact only if it involved an adult-typically a man over the age of eighteen-and an adolescent boy. We said it was kinky!

While the ancient Greeks would have found the idea of two grown men in a s.e.xual relationship odd and undignified, man-boy love was something to be proud of-in fact, something to be publicly displayed. The older male suitor would declare his love for a boy openly, then court him with gifts. Once he won the boy over, he would take him on dates in public places, such as the agora or the gymnasium, where they would exercise together in the nude, slathered in olive oil. In private, s.e.xual intercourse could range from kissing, to heavy petting, to "intercrural" (between the boy's thighs), to the "whole nine yards," as it were.

h.o.m.os.e.xual relationships between men and boys served important social functions, with the older man introducing his young boyfriend to the adult world of politics and instructing him on his civic duties. In most cases, the older man would ask the boy's father for permission before beginning the relationship, and would later be responsible for the boy's education. The boy could also serve as the older man's shield bearer in battle-sort of like a modern-day golf caddy.

Some Greek observers did express concern about the detrimental effects of these pedophilic relationships-but not for the boys! Instead, they warned that the pa.s.sions excited by the love of boys could lead to immoderate, irrational behavior among the adult men. The Greeks also disapproved of men who visited boy prost.i.tutes or forced themselves on young male slaves, who had no say in the matter. Unlike Greek girls during this time, boys were allowed to reject the advances of suitors who didn't tickle their fancy.

Handsome boys could have a number of lovers through their teenage years. However, ancient scolds warned them against becoming conceited because of their good looks. The Greek legend of Narcissus tells of a beautiful young boy who spends all his time looking at his own reflection in a river, and gets turned into a flower (still called Narcissus today) as punishment for his arrogance.

On this subject, in Plato's Dialogues Dialogues the philosopher Socrates talks to his friend about the best way to seduce a "good-looking boy" named Lysis. His friend is head over heels in love with Lysis, to the point that he is boring his friends with tedious poems praising the boy and his ancestors. Socrates advises his friend to drop the flattery, which makes boys "swell-headed" and arrogant. Instead, Socrates says his friend should cut out the compliments and engage Lysis in a philosophical dialogue but really, how much fun would that have been? the philosopher Socrates talks to his friend about the best way to seduce a "good-looking boy" named Lysis. His friend is head over heels in love with Lysis, to the point that he is boring his friends with tedious poems praising the boy and his ancestors. Socrates advises his friend to drop the flattery, which makes boys "swell-headed" and arrogant. Instead, Socrates says his friend should cut out the compliments and engage Lysis in a philosophical dialogue but really, how much fun would that have been?

BY THE NUMBERS.

269,000.

size, in square feet, of palace built for a.s.syrian king Ashurnasirpal 69,574.

number of guests invited to the opening of the palace 2 million blocks of limestone used in an aqueduct built to serve Nineveh, an a.s.syrian city 100,000.

number of civil servants in the a.s.syrian bureaucracy 2.9 million size of Persian empire, in square miles 16 million number of subjects in Persian empire under King Darius 1,600.

length of the Persian Royal Road, in miles 111.

number of free lodges for travelers along the Royal Road

47.