The Memory Game Part 14

'Not arthritis, but I get headaches quite a lot. I used to suffer from migraines. I got one every Friday after dinner for years. Unless we were going out somewhere. Then it would come on Sat.u.r.day night instead.'

'Have you ever avoided looking in mirrors?'

'Yes, well see answer given above on subject of body.'

'Have you ever wanted to change your name?'

'Are you serious? I did did change it. I've recently toyed with the idea of changing it back, but it's a bit late now. All those labels and standing orders that would need alteration.' change it. I've recently toyed with the idea of changing it back, but it's a bit late now. All those labels and standing orders that would need alteration.'

'Do you ever wear what might seem like an inappropriate amount of clothing?'

'I suffer from quite bad circulation so I do sometimes feel cold even when it's sunny. So, yes, I suppose I do. Is that a crime?'

'Do you have any phobias?'

'No. I don't mind heights, I rather like spiders. Confined s.p.a.ces are cosy. Now you mention it, I do have an irrational hatred of breakfast cereal and spent much of my boys' childhood trying to keep it out of the house. And I don't like Mother's Day or ploughman's lunches or anything else that was invented by advertising people.'

'Any eating disorders?'

'No.'

'Ever had a problem with drink or drugs?'

'No problem at all.'

'Have you ever obsessively stayed away from them?'

'Not really. I cut down a bit on drinking in the days before I took finals and that sort of thing. I could never really be bothered with drugs. It was the paraphernalia and the culture that went with them. And I was a bit scared of being arrested. I don't think I was puritanical about it.'

'Any examples of compulsive behaviour?'

'Oh, loads.'

'Have you ever had a wish to be invisible?'

'If I did, it was granted for large parts of my marriage. Sorry. The honest answer is that the temptation has never presented itself even as a fantasy.'

'Have you ever suffered from depression?'

'Yes.'

'Low self-esteem?'

'Oh yes.'

'Do you ever cry for no reason at all?'

'That's almost a philosophical question, but roughly speaking I would say yes to that.'

'Any suicidal impulses or thoughts?'

'Not seriously.'

'Did you ever feel a need to be spotlessly good, or to be the opposite, terribly bad?'

'I know what you mean. I recognise the feeling.'

'Have you ever felt that you're a victim?'

'Only in my weaker moments. I hope that I've never seriously thought of myself as a victim.'

'Have you ever had a feeling of having possession of a secret? Perhaps with an urge to tell it and a feeling that n.o.body would believe it if you did?'

'I'm not sure I understand the question. I don't think so.'

'Have you ever taken dangerous risks?'

'No. I sometimes wish I had.'

'Have you ever felt an incapacity for taking risks?'

'Yes.'

'Do you ever daydream?'

'What did you say? I was miles away. Sorry. Joking. Sometimes, maybe.'

'Do you feel you've ever blocked out a period of your life, especially when you were young?'

'I don't know. It's hard to say. Obviously there are lots of things I don't remember.'

'Do you ever worry about being noisy? I mean in experiences such as s.e.x or in social situations or even in the lavatory.'

'This is is getting personal, isn't it? All right, I'm not embarra.s.sed, I'll answer. To take them in order. I think I'm quite s.e.xually uninhibited, so I suppose I groan and scream. I'm irritated by people who bray and guffaw at dinner parties and I probably come across as quite restrained in public. I probably attempt to be fairly quiet on the lavatory when there are other people in the vicinity. Don't most people?' getting personal, isn't it? All right, I'm not embarra.s.sed, I'll answer. To take them in order. I think I'm quite s.e.xually uninhibited, so I suppose I groan and scream. I'm irritated by people who bray and guffaw at dinner parties and I probably come across as quite restrained in public. I probably attempt to be fairly quiet on the lavatory when there are other people in the vicinity. Don't most people?'

'Have you ever felt that s.e.x is dirty?'

'No, not intrinsically.'

'Have you ever disliked being touched?'

'Do you mean s.e.xually?'

'Not necessarily.'

'I sometimes dislike it when men paw me but in an unfair sort of way it all depends on the man. There have been occasions when I haven't wanted s.e.x, and then I've said so.'

'What about by a gynaecologist?'

'I used to dislike being examined by a male gynaecologist. When I was, oh, in my latish twenties, Claud found me a wonderful woman and I've been with her ever since. I've no problem at all with Sylvia.'

'Are you repelled by particular s.e.x acts?'

'I suppose there are one or two that I don't especially like.'

'Are there any you are strongly attracted to?'

'Oh yes.'

'Have you ever been compulsively promiscuous?'

'No. That might have been fun for a bit and I imagine that college would have been the opportunity to experiment a bit with that but I was involved with Claud quite quickly.'

'Have you ever been compulsively as.e.xual?'

'No.'

'Are you ever preoccupied with thoughts about s.e.x?'

'I don't know what you mean by preoccupied. I think about it now and then.'

'Do you have an impulse to be highly in control of your emotions?'

'I don't like to be emotionally un uncontrolled.'

'Do you feel a need to control situations?'

'Sometimes I try to.'

'Do you obsessively try to control things that aren't important?'

'I can be madly neat or organised sometimes. Compared with Claud I was a real s.l.u.t.'

'Do you find it difficult to be happy?'

'I have felt that about myself.'

'Do you find it difficult to relax?'

'Yes.'

'Do you find it difficult to work?'

'Lately it's been a bit of a problem.'

'Do you ever feel you're crazy?'

'Yes.'

'Have you ever invented fantasy worlds? Or fantasy relationships?'

'Not since I was a girl.'

'Have you ever felt that you were real and everything else was a sham?'

'I know what you mean but I can't honestly say that I have. I've always been a bit too boringly rational. I probably felt it when I was little, the way everybody does.'

'Or vice versa?'

'You mean that I I was a sham? That's more likely. I still sometimes have the sense that everybody else is a real grown-up and I'm just pretending to be one and that I'm still really a child.' was a sham? That's more likely. I still sometimes have the sense that everybody else is a real grown-up and I'm just pretending to be one and that I'm still really a child.'

'Are you afraid to succeed?'

'Sometimes.'

'Do any kinds of food or tastes frighten or disgust you?'

'No, but I will make the secret confession that deep down I've never really cared for sprouts or cauliflower.'

'Do you ever feel a sense of doom?'

'Yes.'

Now Alex didn't speak for a long time but wrote furiously on his notepad, occasionally flicking the pages back. After a painful few minutes he closed it.

'How did I do? Did I pa.s.s?'

When Alex replied, he was more serious than I'd ever heard him before.

'It has been said that if you answer positively to more than half a dozen or so of the questions I put to you, then this may be evidence of a submerged trauma.'

'What do you mean "submerged"?'

'An event, or a series of events, that you have made yourself forget.'

'Come on, Alex, the things in that list of questions could apply to anybody. Who on earth wouldn't wouldn't say yes to some of them?' say yes to some of them?'

'Don't try to brush this off, Jane. You've gone along with this very conscientiously until now. The questions are carefully constructed to uncover symptoms of anxiety which may be evidence of something deeper. I'm not making a diagnosis but it's something we ought to think about. Tell me, Jane, you've been putting yourself back into the landscape from where Natalie disappeared. You've been doing it with great commitment. I'm very impressed. But tell me, what does that landscape make you feel? Does it give you any feeling of dread? Do you feel that there is something there? Something hidden?'

I suddenly felt cold, lying there on the couch, as I always do when I lie still for an extended period of time, even in a well heated house such as Alex's. It was my bad circulation again.

'Yes, it scares me. What is it that interests you about it, Alex?'

'I've always tried to follow your lead, Jane. I asked you about Natalie's disappearance and you gave me a landscape. I want to send you into that landscape and see what you find. Does that seem worth trying?'

'Yes, all right.'

So we went through our familiar ritual. I felt pleased with Alex's approval, as if I was becoming his star pupil. He talked softly to me. My body relaxed, I closed my eyes and placed myself back there beside the Col. Session by session, this was becoming easier and the world in which I found myself was each time more vivid.