The Lost Guide To Life And Love Part 22

Chapter Twenty-Seven.

It had been a good day. I'd had lunch with Polly and Susannah. They'd been great while I was recuperating, popping in and out of Mum's, keeping me up to date with the gossip, taking me out for lunches. Now the party season was in full swing, they were trying to get me out most nights too. But after Halloween, I'd had my fill of parties.

'Ah, we're not grand enough for you these days,' moaned Polly. 'Now you've been mixing with celebs and have got a top model in the family.'

She was grinning widely as she said that, so I knew she didn't mean it. Which is precisely why one day I'd introduce them to Matty. They'd all get on well.

'Anyway, I'll let you off,' Polly was saying. 'You being a heroine and still a bit feeble. But you've got to come to my brother's engagement party and we have to squeeze in one more lunch before Christmas.'

How could I refuse? 'I'll have you know I have been in this bar since eleven thirty just to make sure of a seat,' said Susannah as I found her in among the bags and parcels of the Christmas shoppers grabbing a drink.

It was good to feel life was getting back to normal. Good to be back at work too.

Everyone had been very kind. We'd agreed I could go in late and leave early. 'Heroines get special deals,' said my boss. He was really keen on my 'Celebration' idea too.

So now, when Polly and Susannah were trying to persuade me to go shopping with them, I had to refuse.

'Sorry. I'm working. I have a very posh children's party to go to. Though before that,' I realised, as I scrabbled round in my bag, 'I'd better call in at my mum's. I must have left my iPod there.'

We walked down the road together, still chatting happily before going our separate ways. 'Don't forget Jamie's party!' yelled Polly in farewell and I nodded back happily to show that I'd be there. But as I turned off by myself, I felt suddenly down again. Although everything was going well, I still felt-well, a bit adrift, really. As if something wasn't quite right, as if something was missing.

The children's party was part of my 'Celebration' series. I'd mentioned it to Matty and she, of course, knew an actress who was giving an over-the-top birthday party for her four year old; Matt had sorted it for me to go along. If you're going to discover a long-lost cousin, one with a bulging contacts book is just the sort to have.

'Kezia's fine about it,' said Matty breezily. 'Having your picture in a glossy magazine, even over a table of cupcakes, never hurts. And I guess the red-tops will use the pic too.'

The actress's house wasn't far from Mum's flat, so it was easy to call in there on my way. Mum was sitting at the dining table, address book to hand, surrounded by piles of Christmas cards.

'Just doing the last few,' she said.

The room, full of light and warmth and the heavy scent of freesias-Bill's latest offering-was welcoming and familiar. But very different. I still had to get used to the changes in my mother. She and the flat had always carried a slight air of anxiety, as if there was always a great list of work to be got through and no time to play. Now she was making the Christmas cards-previously yet another task to be dealt with as briskly as possible-seem a positive pleasure.

She'd put on a little bit of weight since her accident. Hardly surprising as she normally was never still and a broken ankle does slow you down a bit. And of course Bill had been bringing her all those wonderful meals. She was still enviably slim, but just a little rounded, softer. She'd lost that hardness that I'd noticed that day I'd had lunch with her at the beginning of October.

'You look pretty,' I said, without thinking.

'Pretty?' She looked surprised as she laughed. 'Gosh, it's a long time since anyone called me that.' But she looked pleased. 'Anyway,' she said, 'I have an idea for you.'

While I'd been staying at home, I'd spent a lot of time talking to Mum and Bill about the food producers I'd met up north, raving about the chocolate and the ice creams, the cheeses, the puddings and the proper meat.

'I think we can do more in Frankie's,' she said. 'We should be thinking about British producers. Give them a real alternative to supplying the supermarkets, try and use more local produce, even if they can only supply a few branches. If we have a real network of suppliers, we can cover the lot. I've thought about it before, but it's so tricky and time-consuming, hunting out all the small producers. But you,' she said, giving me one of her fierce looks, 'have already done a lot of the hard work. You've got lots of contacts. Could you find more? What do you think?'

I thought of all the lovely people I'd met who put their heart and soul into producing good-quality stuff. Getting their food into Frankie's would be brilliant for them and brilliant for us too.

'It would be great. Gives them a bigger market and us something different. Win win.'

'Exactly,' said my mother. 'I've had a few thoughts about it, but I wondered if it was something you'd like to take on. Well, think about it, anyway. It's a way of taking Frankie's forward. If you wanted to be involved, that is.' She looked at me, suddenly anxious for my approval.

'I do, yes, definitely,' I said, intrigued by the idea, already thinking of possibilities. My mother was actually asking me for help. What's more I could do it. After the night in the fog I reckoned I could do anything. I could certainly sort out a selection of small producers. 'Yes, I could do that for you,' I said.

'That would be good,' said my mother, smiling, 'a good step into the future.'

'We'll have a proper talk about it. But in the meantime, I have this children's party to go to,' I said, hiding my surprise at her suggestion by making a great show of hunting for my iPod, which I finally found in the fruit bowl.

'It looks cold out there,' Mum said, 'you must wrap up warm. I know it's not far. But I still think it's too soon for you to be out and about.'

'I'm fine, Mum. And I've got my nice warm coat.'

'Well, take a scarf. Here-' and she reached out for the scarf that Becca had made, which was hanging over the back of a chair-'borrow this. Then I know you'll be nice and cosy.'

'OK, if it keeps you happy.' Anything for a quiet life. 'And I'll definitely think about the small supplier stuff. It's a great idea.'

I pulled on my coat and wrapped Becca's scarf around me. The appliqued flowers seemed to glow with the sc.r.a.ps of cherry red velvet at their centres. I rushed along the road to the posh party, wondering about the change in my mum, and felt somehow extra warm and safe and looked after.

The plan had been for the photographer and me to get there just before the party started so we could get the birthday girl, Saskia, and her mum and the table of food before the hordes of four-year-olds attacked it.

Kezia had dressed for a photo shoot not a birthday party-skin-tight dress, towering heels and the most amazing make-up. The nanny, who brought Saskia in, was in jeans and flat pumps, hair tied back in a ponytail and definitely ready for action.

The huge room had been turned into a princess's palace. Pink walls, with battlements and distant views and a slide that was a short cut from battlements to bas.e.m.e.nt. The entertainers were setting up in the corner-a handsome prince, a smiley servant and a not-at-all-frightening dragon.

The food was amazing. A cake shaped like a castle, complete with princess on top. There were tiny cakes and savouries in the shapes of crowns, wands, hedgehogs, little white mice, ladybirds, sparkling sovereigns, tiny dragons, biscuits like bracelets. Brilliant stuff. Much too good for four-year-olds. The photographer did lots of pics with the birthday girl and her mother, the table, the castle, the food and the not-very-scary dragon, who kept poking his head in. It was good fun. Kezia was surprisingly down to earth and Saskia posed like a professional which, at four years old, she already was.

The mothers looked marvellous. Whether they were as dressed up as Kezia-and a few of them were-in designer jeans, or just top-to-toe Boden, there were so many flawless complexions, perfect hairstyles.

While the photographer took his pics, I was keeping out of the way in the corner when one of the mothers looked up from shepherding in her two children and said, 'Oh h.e.l.lo, it's Tilly, isn't it?'

I blinked for a minute, trying to place this woman in her funky red and black spotted skirt and stripy jumper. Then I realised, as she tucked her children's coats under one arm, and accepted a gla.s.s of champagne with the other, that it was Nell, wife of Clayton Silver's team-mate Jojo Francois, whom I'd last seen at Ravensike Lodge on Halloween.

'Better than the last party I saw you at,' she said cheerfully. 'What a nightmare! How are you? I heard you were an absolute heroine. Great story. I see you've recovered.'

'Just about,' I said. 'But it wasn't the best night of my life.'

'No, I think we all got out just in time. Even if you didn't actually make it straight home. You were amazing. How on earth did you manage it? In that thick fog. You certainly saved Alessandro and his girlfriend. For which we should all be grateful. Mind you, I don't suppose he'll play at Shadwell again.'

'No?'

'Well, they're going to have to sell most of their players, aren't they? The atmosphere's dreadful. Jojo's been out with an ankle injury for the last three matches and I don't know if that's better or worse-sitting there watching them play dreadfully or playing with a side that hardly wants to be there. Training sessions are a nightmare, everyone's fed up, disillusioned and backbiting-and with no idea what's going to happen next, of course.'

'Yes. I saw Alessandro. He was telling me about it. He's just gone back to a little light training.'

'Probably not much point. Jojo loved that club but he would be happy to leave as soon as he can. He's hoping he might get a transfer to Paris St.-Germain after Christmas. Still, you'll have heard enough of this from Clayton.'

'No. I haven't seen Clayton since that night.'

Nell looked surprised, then said, 'Oh, well, that could explain why he's been extra b.l.o.o.d.y difficult. Absolutely impossible, according to Jojo. And the fans aren't helping. Booing the team doesn't exactly encourage them, does it? And now of course Clayton's lost his licence.'

'Lost his licence? I didn't know.' I had a sinking feeling. I think I knew what was coming next.

'Yes, he was in court yesterday. It's in the papers this morning. Haven't you seen them? He was caught doing over sixty in a thirty zone near King's Cross a few weeks ago. What an idiot! They did him for dangerous driving, so it's a year's ban. Not even his fancy-pants lawyer could get him off. Personally, I think it's amazing that anyone manages to break the speed limit with all the traffic. All he needs really.'

Suddenly I was back in Clayton's car, barrelling along the central reservation, dodging in and out of the bus lanes, screeching underneath the speed cameras. It was stupid to think he would get away with it. Yes, of course he'd been an idiot, but he had been determined that I would catch my train. I remembered his delight as he powered the car in and out of the traffic...

'Sorry?' I realised that Nell had asked me a question.

'What are you doing here? You haven't got kids, have you?'

'Oh no. I'm working. Foodie magazine? I'm just starting a new series called 'Celebration'-looking at different sorts of celebratory meals. The idea came to me when I was up north at a chapel tea, of all things. Look.'

I knew I was gabbling as I tried not to think of Clayton. I took my phone out of my pocket and showed Nell the photos I'd taken in the chapel, the groaning table, the homemade cakes and the photos and samplers on the wall. 'Judge not that ye be not judged.' 'So I just thought it would be interesting to do all sorts of different occasions and the food involved.'

'Hey, we've got our local food awards on the show in the New Year and we have a meal afterwards with all the prizewinning stuff. Would that be any use?'

'Brilliant! It would.'

'Here,' Nell rummaged in her purse and produced her card. 'Email me and I'll let you know nearer the time. And if you ever feel like coming on the programme and talking about your heroic rescue mission, we'd love to have you.'

'Well, I might pa.s.s on that, if you don't mind. But the local food stuff sounds perfect. Thank you.'

I carefully put the card in my pocket.

'I have to say,' said Nell looking hesitant and then plunging on, 'I have to say that I thought you and Clayton seemed quite good together. Sorry that it hasn't worked out.'

'Yes, well, it was only a couple of meals when he happened to be in the north. No big deal really.'

'That's not what he told Jojo.'

For a moment I longed to ask more, but then remembered the Barbie doll spitting her accusations at Ravensike and Clayton doing nothing to deny them. I shook my head to clear the memory.

'Anyway, he wasn't what he seemed.'

'You're not worried about that silly cow who made the scene at the party, are you? That's old stuff.'

With that the photographer came to ask me something and Nell got grabbed by another mother who was pinning her to the wall and talking at her nonstop. I kept hearing the dreaded phrase 'PTA' and saw Nell looking desperately noncommittal.

The party was soon in full swing. The entertainers had all the children trying to rescue Saskia from the dopey dragon. I never would have realised that twenty little four-year-olds could make quite so much noise.

Eventually we'd got all we came for, the beautiful table looked wrecked and the entertainers led the children back for party games.

I said my goodbyes to Kezia and was just putting on my coat when Nell came out into the hall, a toddler in one hand and a gla.s.s of champagne in the other.

'Some of the dads have been watching Sky Sports,' she said, 'and say Shadwell have nearly scored a goal. Not quite, but nearly, which is as good as it gets right now. That should cheer Jojo up a bit. Though, as I say, after January, that might not be anything to do with us any more. Anyway, good to see you again, Tilly. I'll see you at the food awards-ifnot before.'

'Yes, right. Thank you. Good to see you again.'

I wound Becca's scarf snugly round my neck. 'Nice scarf,' commented Nell, and a couple of the other mothers nodded in agreement. 'A friend made it,' I said.

'It's fun, different,' said one of the mums. 'Does she have a shop? Website?'

'Not yet, but she will do soon,' I said positively and headed for the bus stop.

I sat on the bus, leaning against the steamy windows, looking out at the twinkly lights in the darkness and the people making their way home from their Christmas shopping. My mind was a jumble. Normally, on my way home from a job I'm already writing it up in my head, thinking of that crucial first sentence, from which the whole piece will flow. But today I couldn't. My head was full of Shadwell and what Nell had said. And about Clayton losing his licence. A whole year without his beloved cars. All because I didn't want to miss my train. I had yelled at him to slow down. But he was only doing it for my sake. My mind grew even more confused. The birthday party was muddled up with the chapel tea all those weeks ago in Hartstone Edge. I reached into my bag for my phone and looked at the picture again. The piled tables, the cakes, the sandwiches, the fruit loaves, the steaming urns and the waiting cups and saucers and the sampler, 'Judge not, that ye be not judged.'

I was sure that Nell had been about to say something about Clayton and the Barbie girl's accusations. She didn't sound as if she was going to slag him off. 'Old stuff,' she'd said, as if it didn't matter. And she was a mother, so it would matter to her if a bloke had walked out on his responsibilities. She wouldn't dismiss it easily. I felt in my pocket. Yes, her card was still safe there. She'd asked me to email her, hadn't she? Well, I would. And I might just ask her about that Clayton gossip while I was doing so. I mean, it didn't hurt to get the story right, did it?

I got off the bus and walked the ten minutes to my flat, my hands in my coat pockets, my chin tucked down in Becca's scarf.

But when I got to the end of my road, instead of getting my front door key out of my pocket, I don't know what came over me. I didn't even think about it. I hardly missed a beat or altered a step. I just turned round, walked back down the way I'd come, and got back on a bus.

Only this time, the bus was going to Clayton Silver's.

Chapter Twenty-Eight.

It was madness, of course. Absolute madness. I didn't know if he would be there. I certainly didn't know if he wanted to see me-though I could make a pretty good guess. I wasn't even totally sure that I wanted to see him. I thought I was succeeding in putting him out of my mind, out of my life. But I just felt I had to do this. Why think of asking Nell the truth, when I could just ask Clayton?

The road where he lived seemed spookily quiet. My boot heels clicked and echoed and, even though it was only early evening, I had the feeling that it wasn't just the security cameras that were watching my every move.

Then, of course, I got to those vast electronic gates and they were locked and he wasn't in. The huge house with its wrap-round balconies soared up above me, but apart from a glow from the back of the house-presumably Maria's bit-it was all blackness. I thought of trying the intercom and seeing if Maria would let me in. As I got up close to it, a glaring security light flashed on, dazzling me. I stepped back, and kept carefully out of its target area.

To keep warm, I walked back and forth in front of the gates, back and forth, trying to work out why I was there.

I thought back to Halloween. Of that scene with Barbie shouting at Clayton. She'd been drunk. He'd been so calm. She had been so sure of what she was saying. He hadn't denied it. Maybe it was so ridiculous that he hadn't needed to.

Then I remembered the message on the flowers he'd sent me. Something about my being brave. But wrong. Back and forth. Back and forth.

It was no good. I was getting cold. I didn't dare risk being ill again. Clayton had probably gone straight out with his team-mates, drowning their sorrows. He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately if Matty was right. Of course he wouldn't be coming home. He wouldn't want to be by himself. He'd be out with his mates, picking up women. There were always plenty of women ready and waiting. This had been a totally pointless journey. G.o.d knows why I'd done it. Time to go.

I had just made my mind up, when a big car turned off the road and up to the gates, setting off the security lights again. As the gates opened, the pa.s.senger window went down. There was a pause while I took a deep breath, walked towards it, shielding my eyes from the dazzle of the security light.

'Tilly Flint?'

'h.e.l.lo, Clayton.'

'You coming to see me?'

'Yes. If that's all right...'

'You'd better come in.'