The Lost Chapters Of HITCHHIKER'S Guide To The Galaxy Part 5

CHAPTER 51.

"Okay Ford, hit the improb b.u.t.ton," ordered Zaphod, lounging in his favourite chair. Ford obliged and the ship blinked out and into existence in a flash.

Zaphod was in his least favourite chair, Ford had his blazer on and Arthur was wearing something which, by all accounts, should have found it's way to a jumble sale by now.

"Arthur, I hate to tell you this, old mate," said Ford, realising he was now holding the remains of Marvin.

"I know," said Arthur, his hands stuffed deep in his dressing gown pockets. It was a little less shabby than when he last saw it but it was still very worn at the edges, sides and generally all over. "I suppose travelling the Universe wouldn't be the same without it."

"Well guys, looks like we're all dressed for the occasion," said Zaphod, wondering where his great suit was now resting.

It was, in fact, not resting at all. It was in orbit around a rather weak star and was trying to out do the star's solar flares. Arthur's suit had become an airport for a colony of flying frogs. The improbability drive also caused Arthur's watch to go backwards, the rain forests of Eeetneet to instantly dry out and for three people to be taken from the living room where they were perfectly happy, to a locked room on a supposedly impregnable planet.

"What's the big deal about this planet?" Asked Arthur.

"I can tell you," chirped Eddie, the shipboard computer. "But I really ought to tell you something quite important about the ship first."

"Put a cork in it, Eddie," said Zaphod. "We don't need to hear any more sales talk from you, I think we'll get enough of that on the planet."

"You see, Arthur," began Ford. "The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation had a lot of trouble with people breaking into their computer systems trying to find out what new releases were on the way."

"To steal the ideas?" Asked Arthur.

"Nah, the ideas were so ridiculous it was just amusing to read them," interjected Zaphod. "So the SCC changed all their doc.u.mentation into paper records and moved their headquarters to this Magrathean planet where the atmosphere was poisonous and acidic so no ship could get through unless it was travelling really fast so the acid couldn't get a grip on the ship. However, any ship travelling that fast would be smashed into oblivion because it couldn't pull up in time."

"Who would go to that trouble just to read some amusing sales brochures?" Asked Arthur.

"No one, as the SCC found out to their loss," said Ford, chuckling. "As there was no point hacking any more, sales of SCC computer terminals dropped Universewide. So the SCC gave in and put the details back on computer, but kept the planet as they had paid a fortune for it and couldn't write it off on the books."

"But how can anything survive on the surface with all that acid?" Asked Arthur, knowing full well he was expected to go out onto the surface shortly.

"The bad atmosphere stops 50 metres above the surface, so it's good clean air down here," said Ford. "The improbability drive dropped us right on the surface. We just have to hope it doesn't rain."

"Is it safe?" Asked Arthur.

"No way, I hear that employees who don't come up to scratch get scratched from existence," said Ford with a gleam in his eyes.

"Perhaps we should go back," said Zaphod, seeing a good idea fall apart.

"No, all we've got to do is pa.s.s the initiative test and we're in," said Ford.

"Initiative test?" Said Arthur and Zaphod in unison.

The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation faced many problems when they moved to Sirius, such as getting employees, getting them to Sirius and keeping them there. The third was not a major problem as they couldn't get off anyway, but the first two caused many headaches. The planet had been picked for it's remoteness, which didn't please the commuting employees, especially when they found out what happened to their ships on entering the atmosphere. So accommodation was provided on the planet, with all possible amenities also made available. The most popular of these were the Sirius s.e.x Cybernauts. The employees could chose the colour, shape, life form, etc. of the cybernauts to the extent of creating an exact replica of their partner, or more generally, someone else's partner. After an initial programming bug, which resulted in the cybernauts calling out the wrong name at the height of excitement, was sorted out, the cybernauts became very successful on Sirius. However, the Marketing Division could see no potential in releasing the s.e.x Cybernauts for sale to the public. One was given away in a 'Spirit of the Age' compet.i.tion, but as there was no maintenance agreement, it was never heard of again. As soon as hackers found out about the cybernauts, they realised the only way to get their hands on one would be to join the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. To handle the large influx of job applicants, the SCC devised an initiative test to weed out those who were unsuitable. The test took the form of a large number of logic test rooms where applicants had to solve a problem before pa.s.sing on to the next room. As SCC logic is somewhat left field of everyone else's logic (so left field it can often be found in the car park), most people die horribly in their attempt to conquer all the rooms. Those who do get through could wander around until they found an empty desk and then have a go at anything that took their fancy, which was generally a s.e.x Cybernaut.

"How do the applicant's get down here then," said Arthur, gazing at the big doorway ahead of him marked 'APPLICANTS'.

"Robot ships fly them through the atmosphere," said Ford. "They follow a precise route which avoids the acid clouds. We ought to get hold of that route before we leave, that's bound to be worth a fortune."

"Now you re talking my language," said Zaphod. "Excitement, adventure and really wild things are okay, but clear, tax free profit wins hands and feet down every time!"

"Welcome to Sirius." The jolly voice came from behind them. They turned around to see a gleaming android. If it wasn't for the amiable aura of the robot it could have been Marvin slouching there. "I'm so glad you have decided to try to be SCC employees."

"We don't want to be...." Ford's swift kick to Arthur's shin was sufficient to temporarily disable Arthur's vocal chords.

"We're glad we have the opportunity," beamed Ford. "Any tips you can give us?"

"Gladly," rebeamed the robot, emitting happy signals. "Mind you, all applicants are told this. There is a store room just inside the entrance. You may take any three objects you find in there. Your objective is to reach the offices of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation." The robot let out a little fanfare. "A company offering useful employment, job satifaction and an incredible perk. Should you require any help on your journey, just shout 'HELP' and a recorded message will play according to your position. Good luck." The robot started to go.

"One thing before you go," said Zaphod.

As the robot turned, Ford swung his satchel with all his might, struck the robot on the head and watched as the robot toppled over. Zaphod leapt on the robot and flipped open it's back panel. He fumbled with the deactivate b.u.t.ton until it came off in his hand.

"Great work," said Ford, slapping Zaphod heartily across one of his heads.

"No panic," said Zaphod. "I should be able to reactivate him. Admittedly deactivation will be impossible but hey, you have to compromise in a big Universe like this."

"Okay Arthur," said Ford. "Now's you big chance to do something useful. Pop these memory boards of Marvin into this robot."

"Yeh, let's transplant Marvin into this jovial junk pile," added Zaphod unnecessarily.

"I'll do my best," said Arthur.

"Well in that case," grinned Ford. "I'd better do it."

Arthur s.n.a.t.c.hed the boards from Ford and sat on the robot. He ripped out a couple of boards and slotted Marvin's boards in.

"It's all yours, Zaphod," said Arthur, proudly. "Let's see if you can switch it on again."

The pressure was back on Zaphod. After five minutes of forcing the broken switch back in it's hole, with a liberal dose of cursing and sc.r.a.ped knuckles, a low buzzing came from the robot.

"Oooooohhhhhh no, not again."

"Is it really you, Marvin old mate," said Zaphod.

"Of course it's me," moaned Marvin. "And, yes, I may be old but I am not in any sense of the word, especially in that which refers to the reproductive coupling derivitive which, I might add, would be a physical impossibility, your mate."

"Hey, it is you," said Zaphod. "How's the new body?"

"Mmmm. Marvin paused. "A couple of new interfaces and a database connection to the mainframe. Let's try that." He paused again. "This model came after me, which is hardly Sirius shattering seeing as I am the prototype. It went into ma.s.s production. They changed the personality to an amiable, pleasant one. The memory was reduced to prevent boredom, not down to your simple level though, no robot could function at that level, you would be lucky to get a digital watch to function at that level. Just as well you brought my memory with me. The logic boards have a sub etha link to the mainframe. Wretched isn't it."

"Why is it connected to the mainframe?" Asked Arthur.

"It? It? You saddle me with this monstrosity of a body and I'm forced to be at minus one with it so don't you go calling me it," groaned Marvin. "I still got my sulking circuits."

"Sorry," said Arthur, looking skywards. "Why are YOU connected to the mainframe?"

"I'll just interrogate it." Marvin paused. "I could translate every letter the complaints department received in the last millennium into Rezxlibunslan in these response times." He waited. "Every Sirius Cybernetics Corporation device in the Universe has it's logic boards connected to the mainframe for reprogramming."

"I see," said Arthur.

"For reprogramming the device into a killing machine which will form an army strong enough to let the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation take over the Universe," said Marvin, blandly. "It's due to take place tomorrow."

"Jumping Zeon swimming kittens," said Zaphod. "That could ruin the wedding, or even worse, the reception."

"That's all in the mainframe?" Asked Ford.

"Would I make it up?" Replied Marvin.

"But how come no hackers have found out?" Asked Zaphod. "More people have been in that than in Eccentrica Gallumbits!"

"I was asked to design the security system while I was on trial here," said Marvin. "I devised twenty security levels, each progressively more difficult than the last. I say difficult but I'm talking about your sort of difficult, you know, how do I get the lid off this bottle of tablets. Each time something important needs to be stored in the mainframe, a new level is added at the top end. People spend a fortune trying to crack the top level, which increases profit for the SCC. Only a few can crack the top level but all they get is dummy information. All the top secret information is under level one. No-one looks at that because they a.s.sume there is nothing of interest in there like the imbecilic fools they are."

"Ingenious," sighed Ford.

"Not really," said Marvin. "Not if you've got a brain the size of....

"Can it, Marvin," interrupted Zaphod. "This is serious. It looks like I've got the save the Universe again."

CHAPTER 52.

The Management of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation were tired of having a monopoly of robotics and computers in the Universe. This had been achieved many, many years ago despite the best efforts of the Marketing Division. So when you reach the top, where do you go? Many have suggested that when you reach the top, there is only one way to go and that is down. The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation couldn't if they tried. They had such a stranglehold on the market, expendable sales alone ensured a frightening profit margin. Thanks to a clever remuneration strategy by the Management, salaries were kept low on the basis of a possible market attack by a fruit seller and as the majority of staff weren't allowed to leave Sirius, any money paid out was soon returned through the shops and bars on the planet. The salesmen were the only people allowed loose on the Universe and they spent money like salesmen usually do, but as all the best salesmen ended up as Management back on Sirius and had to account for and repay all their expenses as a condition of their new job package, the Status Quo was maintained.

So the Management's problem of great wealth and boredom meant there was only one route to take, one challenge to meet, one final bridge to cross. Universal domination. The Organisation and Methods Division came up with the idea of fitting interfaces into all devices in the guise of a remote diagnostics unit. The Director of O & M almost rejected the idea on the basis that there were no job loses involved and his old O & M colleagues would never buy him a drink again if they found out he was involved in a scheme that created jobs. Once he was reminded that his old colleagues never bought him a drink anyway because a time and motion study proved that there was no productivity gain, he backed down and took the idea to the board. This was pa.s.sed unanimously at the board meeting, the Management getting excited about the prospect of doing something different to working out how many Alterian Dollars they were making per second.

CHAPTER 53.

The treacherous trio and the soulful solo pa.s.sed through the entrance of the initiative test. A large panel slid over the entrance, shutting them in. Large stark letters on the panel confirmed this with a smug 'THERE'S NO BACKING OUT NOW'. Arthur felt a "so this is it, we're going to die" scramble up his throat, but he fought it back to use when times really got bad. He followed Zaphod and Ford into the storeroom.

"Okay guys," ordered Zaphod. "Grab as much stuff as you can carry."

"But the android said we could only take three things," protested Arthur, his subconscious training to be an Englishman, a gentleman and, most importantly of all, a good sportsman backing him to the hilt.

"Nuts to the android," said Zaphod, his subconscious cowardice backing him from a safe distance. "No excuses for the pun, if it feels embarra.s.sed it can excuse itself."

"Right, let's see," said Ford. "d.a.m.n, I've left my satchel outside.

"So?" Asked Zaphod, rummaging through piles of weapons.

"My towel's in there!" Exclaimed Ford, heartbroken. Something hit him on the back of the head.

"There, don't sulk," said Zaphod as Ford picked the towel off the floor.

"It wont be the same," sulked Ford.

"It all seems junk to me," said Arthur. "What do you think, Marvin?"

"More than you could possibly imagine," sighed Marvin.

"Cheer up Marvin," said Ford, brighter after finding the towel impregnated with mopped up Old Janx Spirit. "You must have lost the pain in all the diodes down your...."

"I brought it with me," interrupted Marvin, haughtily. "Life wouldn't be the same without it."

"For G.o.d's sake don't start him off on life," said Arthur.

"Come on, guys," said Zaphod testily "The times they are a-changing. Let's get a move on. Remember I've got a rather important appointment with 30 mega-billion viewers, all of them waiting to see the numero uno get hitched. I mean, the advertising revenue alone will buy me a holiday planet somewhere and the commercial spin offs.... I've got Trillian dolls which say 'I do' when you dig them in the ribs, Zaphod dolls which say the same only you have to twist their arms, presentation Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy wedding covers which bear the Inscription 'Don't Panic, there's always divorce'. If I don't deliver the goods, they don't either, if you get my meaning."

"I m glad to see the values of marriage haven't been lost on you, Zaphod," said Arthur, trying to decide between a mirror and a box of matches.

"Now this is the sort of thing I've been looking for," said Zaphod, leaving his other head to ponder the expected turnover of his wedding. "This Neutron-Breaking Desolation Ray Gun will do for a start."

"I don't know why you're all bothering with this," observed Marvin.

"Zark off, Marvin," said Ford, grabbing a bag of gold coins. "Do something useful."

"I'm going for a walk," said Marvin.

"Very useful, thanks a bundle," shouted Arthur.

"Okay," said Zaphod. "I've got the Ray Gun, the heat seeking Davy knife, the laser spear and that murder grenade over there, if you could pa.s.s it to me, Ford."

"Sounds like you're about to embark on what the Americans on Earth used to call a 'Peace Keeping Exercise'," said Arthur.

Ford threw the grenade to Zaphod who held his hand out to catch it and was blown across the room on contact.

"You can only carry three items," came a synthesised voice.

"Okay, okay," said Zaphod, stunned. "I got your message, I'll leave the grenade behind."

"I'm taking a towel, a bag of gold coins and a blast gun," said Ford, looking for the voice. "That's all, honest."

"I think I'll take a blast gun as well, plus a mirror," said Arthur. "And I've found a copy of the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy here. It's helped me in all my travels so far."

"Very touching," said Zaphod. "I'll sue the b.a.s.t.a.r.ds for unlawful use of the Guide without the Editor's permission."