The Lonely Polygamist Part 15

"I'm fine fine," she said, exasperated. "I'm trying to get these rocks together, if you don't mind." Four years old and had her mother down to a T. She was Beverly's youngest, brown-eyed and feisty, even more self-possessed, it seemed, than the rest of Beverly's girls. He tried not to think about what kind of trouble she might cause in the coming years.

She looked up at him. "Are you going to stay here with us?"

"I'm staying tonight. Tomorrow I have to go back to work."

"Yes," she sighed. "I know."

"I don't like going away, honey, but I have to."

"I have to do things too," she said, indicating her piles of rocks, "and it makes me so tired tired."

Golden eased down into a squatting position and helped Sariah get her gravel piles arranged just the right way. From the very beginning he'd always played with the kids. Wooden blocks, mud pies, pillow forts, it didn't matter, he was always in the middle of it, especially during those early years, living the childhood he'd never had.

It seemed that she forgot about him for a good minute or so, singing a jumble of songs and making spit bubbles, as she created her own gravel configurations with the spatula. He felt a slight sting of resentment about being so blatantly ignored, but then she looked up, smiling as if she'd gotten the better of him, her fine brown hair falling down over one eye, and he was struck by how much she looked like her older sister Glory, dead now almost three years. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, but his eyes watered anyway and his daughter sensed something. She stood up, staring intently at him, and rested a chubby hand on his knee. "Daddy?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Are you mad at me?"

Pierced to his heart, he said, "Oh no, honey. No. Your daddy loves you."

"I know," she said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She held out the ruffles of her dress, snagged with dead leaves and sticks, and tilted her head. "It's because I'm so pretty."

He wanted to pull her to him, to feel the compact heft of her against his chest, to smell her sweet breath, to tell her that he would never let her come to harm, but he held still, paralyzed by his love for her.

"I'm not mad at you either, Daddy," she said. "Mama's not mad either, too."

"Well, I hope not." He stood and, as he did so, stole the briefest of kisses, brushing his lips against her shining hair. She glanced around and batted at her head as if bothered by a fly.

He held out his hand to her. "You want to come in with me? I don't think you should be out here all alone."

She took her time deliberating. She looked up at the sun, placed her finger in her nostril for a moment. Finally, she said, "Where's Cooter?" It was a stalling tactic all the smart ones learned; when you didn't want to do something, ask a question. When confronted with a question that has no good answer, change the subject.

"Cooter's in the back of the pickup eating his food," he said. "We can go see him after dinner." Though Beverly had not gotten around to putting up a sign about it, it had recently become official: Cooter had been permanently disinvited from Old House.

Sariah sighed again. It was clear she believed her existence to be an especially difficult one.

Golden held out his hand. "You coming in with me?"

She blew a raspberry of disgust, took his hand, and they went inside together.

TWO UNHAPPY PEOPLE The following Wednesday night, in the darkened cell of his Airstream, he had nothing better to do than stand next to the three-quarter-sized refrigerator with his pants at his ankles and a flashlight trained on his p.e.n.i.s. A half hour ago the generator had run out of gas, which meant he had no lights, no stove, no radio-nothing but darkness and a flashlight. After a long drive from Vegas and an entire afternoon spent fighting with the drywallers over who was responsible for the two thousand dollars in leftover gypsum board, he did not have the energy to do anything about it. Instead, he felt happy enough to stand in the dark and consider the gum in his pubic hair, which had not broken down and crumbled away after repeated shower scrubbings, but now had separated into three separate pellets, shiny and grayish and connected with threads of gum as hard and brittle as spun gla.s.s. Lately, this had become a habit: pants down, staring at the gum, wondering at the mystery of it and trying to come to a conclusion as to its symbolic significance. He had been taught, and he tended to believe, that there was meaning in everything, that G.o.d's will could be found in the details too often missed by the inattentive-but this detail, and G.o.d's part in it, had him stumped. He took the largest part of it between his fingers and was thinking about pulling it out with one mighty rip, once and for all, when something sc.r.a.ped against the side of the trailer.

He started, dropping the flashlight and falling back against the refrigerator, which caused the entire trailer to rock to the side. He pulled up his pants and opened the door, but it was a cloudy night with the rumble of thunder in the far distance, and he could make out nothing except the humps of sagebrush and mesquite against the faint radioactive glow of the p.u.s.s.yCat Manor on the other side of the hill. He found the flashlight and pointed it out into the night, but its dim beam had little effect beyond a few feet.

"Mr. Golden?" came a voice.

He swung the beam around and aimed it south, where Huila, half concealed behind a juniper tree, peered into the light and turned, poised as if to run.

"Huila!" Golden said. "Yes, it's me."

She walked up, clutching the collar of her sweater to her throat. "Ay mi Dios!" she said. "I thought you was gone, and I was walking and saw a light in there, in your little house. I thought somebody was stealing-"

"Oh no, it's just me," Golden said. "The generator went off, so I don't have any light, just this flashlight."

For some reason-maybe it had to do with the darkness-they were whispering at each other.

"I threw a stick," she said. "To scare the thief!"

"Well, you scared me," Golden said.

She stood near the bottom of the steps and he was bent at the waist to be able to stick his head out the trailer door, like someone about to disembark a plane. Because he'd had no time to b.u.t.ton them, he was holding his pants up with his hand. He asked her to give him a moment and he shut the door, fastened his pants and cast around frantically in the dark for his boots. When he met her again outside and inadvertently shone his flashlight into her eyes, the look on her face, carved into simple planes by the yellow light, told him there was something wrong. He could not be sure, but it looked like she had been crying.

He asked her if she would like to sit down. He took his place at one end of the Barge, she at the other.

"I needed to get out," she said, "but I'm sorry to be always coming here."

"I'm glad you came," he said. "I like the company."

They were quiet for a time, on their opposite ends of the couch. Because he could not really see her, he had to suppress the urge to point the flashlight at her and click it on, to be able to know what to say, to read something in her face.

"It's dark out here, isn't it?" he said. "I wish-" And then he had an idea. A fire. He would build a fire. He didn't know why he hadn't thought of it before. With his failing flashlight he ventured out into the scrub, breaking off twigs and snapping branches from stunted pinon pines that were more like bushes than trees. If she wondered what he was doing, she had the good manners not to ask. Wood-gathering made him feel useful and manly and every branch he picked up he broke over his knee with a splintery cracktch! cracktch! whether it needed breaking or not. The flashlight batteries completely dead now, he wandered in the dark, tripping over rocks and groping along the ground for dead wood, fighting with the bushes not yet ready to give up their branches. It took him only a couple of minutes to get a good fire going, but when he looked behind for Huila's reaction, he found the Barge empty. whether it needed breaking or not. The flashlight batteries completely dead now, he wandered in the dark, tripping over rocks and groping along the ground for dead wood, fighting with the bushes not yet ready to give up their branches. It took him only a couple of minutes to get a good fire going, but when he looked behind for Huila's reaction, he found the Barge empty.

"Huila?" he said, his voice tinged with panic.

Just then she moved into the ring of firelight dragging a large juniper branch, which she dumped unceremoniously into the middle of his carefully constructed Boy Scoutstyle campfire. She sat back on the couch and now, in the flickering glow, he could see that something clouded her face; she kept her chin tucked into her neck and would not look at him.

"Are you okay?" he said.

She wore the same green sweater from last week and she wrapped it more tightly around her chest. Her wet eyes reflected the firelight and she made an almost imperceptible shrug.

She said, "I am not happy."

I am not happy. Those four words formed what had to be the clearest and sanest sentence he had ever heard anyone utter in all his life. For so long he'd been living and working among unhappy people-in the last few years, after what might have been a decade-long renaissance of flummoxed contentment, he had once again become one of those people-and yet none of them, himself included, had ever had the grace or courage to express it as a simple truth, rather than as an excuse for something, or a complaint.

She told him that earlier today she had spoken by phone with her aunt in Guatemala. From the few things that Ted Leo had offered at dinner the other night, Golden knew Ted Leo and Huila had met in the hill country north of the capital, where Ted Leo was a Christian missionary and Huila, as Ted Leo put it, "a simple peasant girl, barefoot and beautiful." What Golden didn't know, and what Huila told him now, was that she had left behind her only child, a then-two-year-old boy named Fredy, whose father had run off to the gold mines of Brazil, leaving Huila in the middle of the night without so much as a goodbye, never knowing that he'd conceived a son. Fredy-her voice quavered when she said his name-was nine years old now, and sick: tuberculosis, the doctors at the clinic said. He would need six months of treatment at a sanatorium to have a chance at recovery.

She produced a wallet-sized snapshot from somewhere inside her sweater and handed it to Golden. The boy in the picture was chubby-cheeked, straining not to smile, with the sweet eyes of a girl.

"He's beautiful," Golden said. "You can't go be with him?"

She shook her head. "Ted Leo won't allow it."

She told him that she and Ted Leo had an arrangement: he gave her a monthly allowance of four hundred dollars, a sum that not only cared for Fredy and the aunt who looked after him, but also her bedridden grandfather, her uncle's family, and her cousin, Leti, who was attending secretarial school. In return he asked only the undying devotion of a pet dog; she cooked his meals, cleaned his house, kept his bed warm, and, most importantly, never complained, never required anything of him except an occasional thank-you, and doesn't that taste wonderful doesn't that taste wonderful. She was, as Ted Leo liked to tell people, the perfect Christian wife: pure, faithful and not the slightest bit uppity. The kind of servility only to be found in the third world anymore, and such a relief after a long day spent dealing with a pack of smart-mouthed American hookers.

Golden said, "If you need money..."

She shook her head. "Ted Leo will pay, he always pays." She looked at the picture and her eyes clarified with tears. "But Fredy is sick. I am his mother."

In just a few minutes the fire had burned down to a pile of coals that flared and smoked with every slight breeze. Golden felt the urge to inch his way across the Barge, to offer a word of comfort or a hand on her shoulder, but he didn't dare. They sat in silence until she said, "You have children?"

Golden thought about it for a long time. The only truly appropriate response to that question was a big dumb grin and a Do I ever! Do I ever! But with Huila, he was supposed to be playing the part of a normal man, a man who lived in a single house with one wife and no more children than could fit comfortably in the back seat of a Buick. But with Huila, he was supposed to be playing the part of a normal man, a man who lived in a single house with one wife and no more children than could fit comfortably in the back seat of a Buick.

He tried to think of a reasonable number. "Five," he said, which sounded about right, even though five kids in the back of a car, even a big one, might be pushing it. But then he said something that was not in any way reasonable, that came as a complete surprise to him. "Five, and one who died a few years ago."

Even as he said it, he felt himself freeze, felt the blood drain from his face and the tips of his fingers. It was bad enough to mention a dead child to a woman whose own son had just fallen sick, but to bring up his daughter, at a time like this, out of nowhere...Ever since she had died, Glory, for him, was not a subject open to discussion. Ask him about her, and he would turn his eyes elsewhere. Mention the strange story of her death, and he would leave the room.

Together, they both stared into the pulsing coals, and then Huila stood up and with a slow deliberateness took three short steps and sat down beside him.

"I'm sorry," Huila said.

"It's okay." He shrugged, looked off into the darkness.

"No," she said, with stern kindness. "Not okay."

He wanted to look at her, but couldn't bring himself to. "It's not okay, you're right." It felt good to be corrected, especially by her.

"She was six years old." And then, as if it were the easiest thing in the world, he told her about Glory. He told her everything.

20.

ROW OF ANGELS

ONE SPARKLING WINTER DAY NEARLY TEN YEARS EARLIER HE'D COME home for lunch to find out the good news: number fifteen had been born, and even better, number fifteen was a girl. The excitement at Old House was palpable, as if somebody had won a large cash prize. "A girl!" Nola boomed from down the hall as Golden stomped snow off his boots. "We got a handy-dandy girl!" home for lunch to find out the good news: number fifteen had been born, and even better, number fifteen was a girl. The excitement at Old House was palpable, as if somebody had won a large cash prize. "A girl!" Nola boomed from down the hall as Golden stomped snow off his boots. "We got a handy-dandy girl!"

Lately, the Richards family, especially the mothers in particular, had seen just about enough of boys; the family already sported seven of them and had suffered a dispiriting run of four in a row. Though boys were prized for their potential to one day bear the holy Melchizedek priesthood, to be leaders in the church and soldiers for Christ, they had a significant downside: they were boys boys. Until they turned twelve or so, the mothers agreed, they were as inconvenient and as thoroughly useless as a pack of feral cats. Girls were better in just about every way: more helpful, calmer, more responsible, smarter. A series of distinctions which, unfortunately, didn't seem to change all that much as girls turned into women and boys to men. Though they discussed it only among themselves, and more often than not treated it as a joking matter, the women of the church considered it one of G.o.d's great mysteries: why He, in all His wisdom, had ever decided to put the boys in charge.

Little number fifteen, then, was a remedy, a balance-maker, a step in the right direction. She was a healthy, robust baby girl and a cause for celebration.

Or so it seemed for the first few months, until her mother, Beverly, began to notice things. The way her head lolled; her little hands caught in fists that never seemed to unclench; bouts of crying that would make her go instantly stiff with rage. With the first fourteen the mothers had seen it all-jaundice, colic, pinkeye, chicken pox, mumps, ear infections, chronic flatulence-and they were sure these abnormalities, these minor episodes, were nothing little Glory couldn't outgrow. There wasn't so much as a mention of a doctor. Instead, they prayed for her and asked Golden to invite Uncle Chick and some of the priesthood council over to lay their hands on her head and bless her with consecrated oil.

The very night of the blessing, just as Beverly was putting her to bed, Glory went stiff, her face turning red, then a mottled purple as she stopped breathing altogether. When the paramedics arrived, she was breathing again, but still unconscious. The doctors at the Las Vegas children's ward delivered the bad news: spastic cerebral palsy. As she grew, her left arm bent and drew up into her chest, her feet extended so that when she learned to walk with forearm braces, at age four, she did so teetering on her tippy-toes like a clumsy ballerina. She had a lopsided face and long, double-jointed fingers that fluttered and nearly hyperextended themselves when she became excited. She could not speak or gesture or make her intentions known except with garbled barks and moans, while her tongue, thick as an overstuffed wallet, probed and punched at her cheeks.

For the first three years of her life, Golden kept his distance. Something in him was disgusted, even frightened, by this broken little creature, and when he watched her crawl across the floor, using her bent wrists for support like an impaired chimpanzee, or spastically spooning mashed potatoes all over her face with her special utensil with its special orthopedic grip, he felt shame settle on his chest. He knew that somehow or another he was responsible for her condition, and he could do nothing about it. He could do nothing about the bleak future she faced, or the attention she drew in public; he could do nothing about his own juvenile embarra.s.sment when she made wet, lewd noises during the sacrament prayers at church.

None of this was lost on Beverly: nothing ever was. She made it Golden's job to feed his daughter, to hold her in church, to ma.s.sage her legs, exhausted from their daily marathons of flexing and scissoring, and when she turned four, to drive her to her sessions at the clinic in St. George. It was on these long drives that something began to change. She would sit tucked against the pickup door-held tight by the lap belt, a specially made C-shaped cushion around her neck to keep her from sliding and hitting her head-and talk to him. For minutes at a time she would hold him in an unwavering stare and gurgle and coo and squeal insistently and tirelessly, as if trying to communicate with a drooling dullard or someone in a coma. When he didn't respond with a look or a nod of his head or a word or two of his own, she would bark at him-Ahnk! Ahnk! Ahhhhnk!-until he acknowledged her in a way that met her satisfaction.

For so long he had been so distracted by her flailing limbs, her restless, predatory tongue, the alien noises broadcast out of her toothy and crooked mouth-and more importantly by his embarra.s.sment and fear of these things-that he'd failed to notice the brightness in her eyes, the sly, satisfied looks she gave when something went her way. At the clinic, he began to help the aides-three cheerful overweight women in matching pink polyester blouses-with her therapy, a slow straightening of her accordioned left arm, a rolling of wrists and ankles, fine motor skills involving wooden rings and beanbags and b.u.t.tons, and walking practice between two parallel steel bars. Like a great big kid, kneeling on the green carpet amid the rubber b.a.l.l.s and pillows and harnesses, he helped to sing the verses that coincided with each stage of her reflex training: Gallopy, gallopy, gallopy trot,Gallopy trot to the blacksmith shop.Shoe the horse, shoe the mare,And let the baby colt go bare.

or Up, down, up, down,This is the way we go to town.What to buy, to buy a fat pig,Home again, home again, jig-a-jig-jig.

At the clinic, for his Glory, he was a different man, one who didn't think twice about acting out nursery rhymes or pretending to flit around the room like a b.u.t.terfly. At home, when her legs hurt and she would cry until no one else could console her, he would take her into a dark room and sing her these little songs, kneading her thighs and calves, no one else but him and her, and every time it would do the trick.

It had taken only a few weeks before the hard knot of revulsion that lodged in his throat at the very sight of her began to unravel itself, giving way to a welling tenderness so abiding and acute that now, three years after her death, he wondered how he managed to withhold any love for his other children. For so long, he had kept his affection in reserve, parceling it out in sc.r.a.ps and carefully broken-off pieces, and usually in secret so others could not see and become jealous. When he hugged one child, or gave out a stick of gum, there had to be hugs and gum for everyone, even if it meant driving to the Sh.e.l.l station on a Sat.u.r.day night to buy more gum. He had to be cautious with compliments and kisses and gifts of any kind; over time, he developed a noncommittal stone-faced countenance he employed in the presence of his family so he couldn't be accused of looking looking differently upon one child or wife, of loving one over another, of harboring favorites. Even the smallest gesture of regard had to be planned out well in advance and executed with the discipline and skill of a jewel thief. differently upon one child or wife, of loving one over another, of harboring favorites. Even the smallest gesture of regard had to be planned out well in advance and executed with the discipline and skill of a jewel thief.

Not so with afflicted Glory, who was by her condition exempt from all laws of jealousy and preference. He could love her openly and without restraint, as if she were an only child, the one person in the world who mattered to him, his little heart of hearts-and that's exactly what he did.

He involved himself in every aspect of her therapy, built ramps for her wheelchair, talked shop with the lady therapists about the newest advancements in treatment. His father's love, sealed off for so long by his own insecurities and weaknesses, gushed out of him. He took her to his work sites, showed her off to the roofers and the excavating crews. Every time he stopped in at Old House he would stand at the door and call, "Where's my little chicken?" and wherever she was in the house, his little chicken would respond with a high-pitched squawk. Whenever she caught sight of him, even if he left the room for a minute and returned, her eyes would go wide and she would flap her arms ecstatically, her fingers fluttering and her tongue doing its ardent calisthenics until he picked her up.

He was her sidekick, her protector, her tireless advocate. He was so dedicated to her he took the drastic step of defying Beverly over where she should sit during church meetings. By the time she turned five, and could sit up well on her own and walk a few steps with the aid of forearm crutches, Beverly decided it was time she sat in the front row at church, the pew designated as the Row of Angels where the damaged innocents sat: the two mongoloid brothers; a mute-and-blind girl with eyes that never stopped blinking; a wilting kinder-gartner who'd been diagnosed with fatal leukemia two years prior but had so far refused to die; a r.e.t.a.r.ded, obese adult named Gordon Thune, who was thirty-eight but had the mind of a five-year-old; the beautiful, ever-smiling teenager, Bettie, who had been born with half a brain.

Every Sunday they sat up front, angels all, to remind the other members what it was like to have one foot in heaven, to be blameless before G.o.d. Sometimes the angels acted up, especially the talkative mongoloid brothers, and Uncle Chick had to cough in their direction to shush them.

But Golden didn't want Glory to be an angel, or anything close to it. He didn't want her sitting up in front, part of a spectacle that often provided distraction to the congregation, and sometimes even laughs, such as when the mongoloid brothers, cued by the opening chords of a certain hymn, began an extemporaneous duet of "La Cucaracha" or when the leukemia boy, in the midst of one of Uncle Chick's sermons about G.o.dly comportment and reverence, fell asleep and dropped his stainless steel vomit bowl.

Glory would not be part of such a sideshow, he told Beverly, with a ring of authority in his voice that surprised him. He would keep her with him during sacrament meetings, on his lap, safe, as far away from G.o.d and heaven as he possibly could.

In honor of her sixth birthday, he built her a playhouse, with leftovers from his construction projects. It would have ornamented brackets and pilasters to match those of Old House, a wooden walkway connected directly to the front porch, and a window facing west, so she could have a good view of the true love of her life, Raymond the Ostrich.

Since she was a toddler she had adored Raymond. Every time she caught sight of him, even at the distance of two hundred yards from Old House, she let loose unique ululations of delight, a special language of love reserved for Raymond and no one else. Golden had made it a habit of wheeling her out through the west pasture, in any and every kind of weather, and parking her chair at the banks of the river that divided their property from Brother Spooner's next door, so she could watch him strut around occasionally pecking at the ground like a chicken, blinking those extravagantly long eyelashes.

One late fall afternoon, after he'd finished shingling the Doll House roof with expensive Virginia slate skimmed off a trophy home he'd been working on, he hefted her out of her wheelchair and carried her to the river, which was not much of a river at all this time of year, but a trickling stream a few inches deep tracking its way around jutting boulders and rippling swells of coa.r.s.e red sand. Before crossing, he sat them both down on a flat rock and together they removed his work boots and socks. (The boots were a birthday present from Beverly and had to be treated with the utmost care.) With her twittering fingers, she methodically untied the laces-a skill she'd been working on in therapy-and helped him remove the boots. She peeled off his socks, and tucked them into the boots, which she arranged neatly, side by side, just as she did with her own shoes every night before bed.

He carried her across the wide riverbed with an exaggerated tiptoeing motion that made her laugh. On the far bank he set her down in some dry gra.s.s next to the barbed-wire fence, where she could lean on her crutches and watch the ostrich through the wire. Raymond, though, would not cooperate. He was hiding behind an old Tiplady feed bin, his trembling tailfeathers the only visible part of him.

"Hey bird!" Golden hollered. "Come here, bird! Lookee here!" He knew that Brother Spooner would not be happy about him trespa.s.sing on his property and shouting at his prized bird, but Brother Spooner and his wife were gone for the weekend, off to visit one of their daughters in Tucson, and therefore would be none the wiser. He held out a handful of Cooter's dog food, the kind Spooner had told him Raymond favored. "Come over here you big stupid bird, get some of this Alpo! Hey bird!"

Raymond swiveled and poked his head out from behind the bin, blinked his enormous glossy eyes. At this, Glory screeched, and because her arms were locked into her crutches and supporting most of her weight, and she could not clap her wrists together or flap her hands as was her way, her excitement showed in the severe craning of her neck, the swaying of her body over the fulcrum of her crutches, her gaping mouth. Afraid she might topple forward into the barbed wire, Golden put his hand on her humped back to steady her.

"Come on, bird!" he called to Raymond, who was hesitating again. "Don't look at me that way. We've got prime dog food for you. Get your big bird behind over here. Hey, bird!"

There was a silence while they both waited for Raymond to make a move, and that was when she said it, "Mmmmbbbbirrrr."

He looked down at her. Had he just heard what he thought he'd heard? His daughter, his own little Glory, uttering what sounded very much like a word, something you could look up in a dictionary? Though she could form individual sounds, and had her own special ways of communicating-excited nose-breathing that meant she was hungry, a gurgle at the back of her throat that signified contentment, a siren whine that told you she was in pain-she had never made any sound that, when placed in context with a particular situation, could have been characterized as an actual word. The ladies at the rehabilitation center told him that if she had not learned to talk by the time she turned three or four, she most likely never would.

He watched her out of the corner of his eye, but her attention was locked on Raymond. "Bird?" he called out experimentally. "Hey bird?"

She closed her mouth, screwed her face into a mask of almost frightening concentration, and said it, "Mmmbbbiiirrrdddtt."

"Yes!" he cried, so loudly a couple of cows that had come over to see what was going on bolted in panic. "Bird!"

He thought about picking her up and taking her back to Old House so she could show off to the rest of the family, but then he had a better idea. He told her not to worry, he'd be right back, he was going to get the others so they could all see Raymond too. "Bird," he said to her, and kissed her freckled cheek. "Bird!"

He skipped through the water and sprinted across the pasture to the house, barefoot and heedless as a hippie maiden. He'd watched his two oldest kids take their first steps, but he couldn't remember being present to hear any of his children utter their first word; he was always at work, at another house, at church, always somewhere else. Too often he'd come home to find one of the babies who was fluent, as far as he knew, in nothing but standardized infant gibberish, sitting in her high chair and carrying on in simple but very plain English, "Baby drink! Please! Baby drink!"

"Since when can Sybil talk?" he'd ask.

"Oh jeez, Goldy, she's been talking for a good three weeks," Nola would tell him.

"Wait. Three weeks?"