The Life of Trust Part 4

On March 7, I was again tempted to disbelieve the faithfulness of the Lord, and though I was not miserable, still, I was not so fully resting upon the Lord that I could triumph with joy. It was _but one hour after_, when the Lord gave me another proof of his faithful love. A Christian lady brought five sovereigns for us, with these words written in the paper: "I was an hungered, and ye gave _me_ meat; I was thirsty, and ye gave _me_ drink," etc.

April 16. This morning I found that our money was reduced to three shillings; and I said to myself, I must now go and ask the Lord earnestly for fresh supplies. But before I had prayed, there was sent from Exeter two pounds, as a proof that the Lord hears before we call.

I would observe here, by the way, that if any of the children of G.o.d should think that such a mode of living leads away from the Lord, and from caring about spiritual things, and has the effect of causing the mind to be taken up with the question, What shall I eat?--What shall I drink?--and Wherewithal shall I be clothed?--I would request him prayerfully to consider the following remarks: 1. I have had experience of both ways, and know that my present mode of living, as to temporal things, is connected with less care. 2. Confidence in the Lord, to whom alone I look for the supply of my temporal wants, keeps me, when a case of distress comes before me, or when the Lord's work calls for my pecuniary aid, from anxious reckoning like this: Will my salary last out? Shall I have enough myself the next month? etc. In this my freedom, I am, by the grace of G.o.d, generally, at least, able to say to myself something like this: My Lord is not limited; he can again supply; he knows that this present case has been sent to me: and thus, this way of living, so far from _leading to anxiety_, is rather the means of _keeping from it_. And truly it was once said to me by an individual,--You can do such and such things, and need not to lay by, for the church in the whole of Devonshire cares about your wants. My reply was: The Lord can use not merely any of the saints throughout Devonshire, but those throughout the world, as instruments to supply my temporal wants. 3. This way of living has often been the means of reviving the work of grace in my heart, when I have been getting cold; and it also has been the means of bringing me back again to the Lord, after I have been backsliding. For it will not do,--it is not possible to live in sin, and at the same time, by communion with G.o.d, to draw down from heaven everything one needs for the life that now is. 4.

Frequently, too, a fresh answer to prayer, obtained in this way, has been the means of quickening my soul, and filling me with much joy.

May 12. A sister has been staying for some time at Teignmouth on account of her health; and when she was about to return home to-day, we saw it the Lord's will to invite her to stay with us for some time; as we knew that she would stay longer if her means allowed it. We were persuaded that, as we saw it to be the Lord's will to invite her, he himself would pay the expenses connected with her stay. About the time when she came to our house, a parcel with money was sent from Chumleigh. A few weeks before, I had preached at Chumleigh and in the neighborhood. The brethren, knowing about my manner of living, after my departure collected some money for me, and thus, in small offerings (one hundred and seven altogether, as I have been told), two pounds and one penny halfpenny were given. Thus the Lord paid for the expenses connected with our sister's staying with us.

June 12. Lord's day. On Thursday last I went with brother Craik to Torquay, to preach there. I had only about three shillings with me, and left my wife with about six shillings at home. I asked the Lord repeatedly for money; but when I came home my wife had only about three shillings left, having received nothing. We waited still upon the Lord.

Yesterday pa.s.sed away, and no money came. We had ninepence left. This morning we were still waiting upon the Lord, and looking for deliverance. We had only a little b.u.t.ter left for breakfast, sufficient for brother E. and a relative living with us, to whom we did not mention our circ.u.mstances, that they might not be made uncomfortable. After the morning meeting, brother Y. most unexpectedly opened the box, and, in giving me quite as unexpectedly the money at such a time, he told me that _he and his wife could not sleep last night, on account of thinking that we might want money_. The most striking point is, that after I had repeatedly asked the Lord, but received nothing, _I then prayed yesterday that the Lord would be pleased to impress it on brother Y.

that we wanted money, so that he might open the box_. There was in it one pound eight shillings and tenpence halfpenny.

November 16. This morning I proposed united prayer respecting our temporal wants. Just as we were about to pray, a parcel came from Exmouth. In prayer we asked the Lord for meat for dinner, having no money to buy any. After prayer, on opening the parcel, we found, among other things, a ham, sent by a brother at Exmouth, which served us for dinner.

November 19. We had not enough to pay our weekly rent; but the Lord graciously sent us again to-day fourteen shillings and sixpence. I would just observe, that we never contract debts, which we believe to be unscriptural (according to Romans xiii. 8); and therefore we have no bills with our tailor, shoemaker, grocer, butcher, baker, etc.; but all we buy we pay for in ready money. The Lord helping us, we would rather suffer privation than contract debts. Thus we always know how much we have, and how much we have a right to give away. I am well aware that many trials come upon the children of G.o.d, on account of not acting according to Rom. xiii. 8.

November 27. Lord's day. Our money had been reduced to two pence halfpenny; our bread was hardly enough for this day. I had several times brought our need before the Lord. After dinner, when I returned thanks, I asked him to give us our daily bread, meaning literally that he would send us bread for the evening. Whilst I was praying, there was a knock at the door of the room. After I had concluded, a poor sister came in, and brought us some of her dinner, and from another poor sister five shillings. In the afternoon she also brought us a large loaf. Thus the Lord not only literally gave us bread but also money.

After we had, on December 31, 1831, looked over the Lord's gracious dealings with us during the past year, in providing for all our temporal wants, we had about ten shillings left. A little while after, the providence of G.o.d called for that, so that not a single farthing remained. Thus we closed the old year, in which the Lord had been so gracious in giving to us, without our asking any one,--1. Through the instrumentality of the box, thirty-one pounds fourteen shillings. 2.

From brethren of the church at Teignmouth, in presents of money, six pounds eighteen shillings and sixpence. 3. From brethren living at Teignmouth and elsewhere, not connected with the church at Teignmouth, ninety-three pounds six shillings and twopence. Altogether, one hundred and thirty-one pounds eighteen shillings and eightpence. There had been likewise many articles of provision, and some articles of clothing given to us, worth at least twenty pounds. I am so particular in mentioning these things, to show that we are never losers from acting according to the mind of the Lord. For had I had my regular salary, humanly speaking, I should not have had nearly as much; but whether this would have been the case or not, this is plain, that I have not served a hard master, and that is what I delight to show.

January 7, 1832. We had been again repeatedly asking the Lord to-day and yesterday to supply our temporal wants, having no means to pay our weekly rent, and this evening, as late as eleven o'clock, a brother gave us nineteen shillings and sixpence,--a proof that the Lord is not limited to time.

January 14. This morning we had nothing but dry bread with our tea; only the second time since we have been living by simple faith upon Jesus for temporal supplies. We have more than forty pounds of ready money in the house for two bills,[14] which will not be payable for several weeks; but we do not consider this money to be our own, and would rather suffer great privation, G.o.d helping us, than take of it. We were looking to our Father, and he has not suffered us to be disappointed. For when now we had but threepence left, and only a small piece of bread, we received two shillings and five shillings.

[Footnote 14: One bill I had to meet for a brother, the other was for money which, in the form of a bill, I had sent to the Continent; but in both cases the money was in my hands before the bills were given.]

February 18. This afternoon I broke a bloodvessel in my stomach, and lost a considerable quant.i.ty of blood. I was very happy immediately afterwards. February 19. This morning, Lord's day, two brethren called on me, to ask me what arrangement there should be made to-day, as it regarded the four villages, where some of the brethren were in the habit of preaching, as, on account of my not being able to preach, one of the brethren would need to stay at home to take my place. I asked them, kindly, to come again in about an hour, when I would give them an answer. After they were gone, the Lord gave me faith to rise. I dressed myself; and determined to go to the chapel. I was enabled to do so, though so weak when I went, that walking the short distance to the chapel was an exertion to me. I was enabled to preach this morning with as loud and strong a voice as usual, and for the usual length of time.

After the morning meeting, a medical friend called on me, and entreated me not to preach again in the afternoon, as it might greatly injure me.

I told him that I should indeed consider it great presumption to do so had the Lord not given me faith. I preached again in the afternoon, and this medical friend called again, and said the same concerning the evening meeting. Nevertheless, having faith, I preached again in the evening. After each meeting I became stronger, which was a plain proof that the hand of G.o.d was in the matter.

February 20. The Lord enabled me to rise early in the morning, and to go to our usual prayer meeting, where I read, spoke, and prayed. Afterwards I wrote four letters, expounded the Scriptures at home, and attended the meeting again in the evening. February 21. I attended the two meetings as usual, preached in the evening, and did my other work besides.

February 22. To-day I attended the meeting in the morning, walked afterwards six miles with two brethren, and rode to Plymouth. February 23. I am now as well as I was before I broke the bloodvessel. In relating the particulars of this circ.u.mstance, I would earnestly warn every one who may read this not to imitate me in such a thing if he has no faith; but if he has, it will, as good coin, most a.s.suredly be honored by G.o.d. I could not say that if such a thing should happen again I would act in the same way; for when I have been not nearly so weak as when I had broken the bloodvessel, having no faith, I did not preach; yet, if it were to please the Lord to give me faith, I might be able to do the same, though even still weaker than at the time just spoken of.

About this time I repeatedly prayed with sick believers till they were restored. _Unconditionally_ I asked the Lord for the blessing of bodily health (a thing which I could not do now), and almost always had the pet.i.tion granted. In some instances, however, the prayer was not answered. In the same way, whilst in London, November, 1829, in answer to my prayers, I was immediately restored from a bodily infirmity under which I had been laboring for a long time, and which has never returned since. The way in which I now account for these facts is as follows. It pleased the Lord, I think, to give me in such cases something like the gift (not grace) of faith, so that unconditionally I could ask and look for an answer. The difference between the _gift_ and the _grace_ of faith seems to me this. According to _the gift of faith_, I am able to do a thing, or believe that a thing will come to pa.s.s, the not doing of which, or the not believing of which, _would not be sin_; according to _the grace of faith_, I am able to do a thing, or believe that a thing will come to pa.s.s, respecting which I have the word of G.o.d as the ground to rest upon, and, therefore, the not doing it, or the not believing it, _would be sin_. For instance, _the gift of faith_ would be needed to believe that a sick person should be restored again, though there is no human probability, for _there is no promise to that effect_; _the grace of faith_ is needed to believe that the Lord will give me the necessaries of life, if I first seek the kingdom of G.o.d and his righteousness, for _there is a promise to that effect_.[15]

[Footnote 15: Matt. vi.]

March 18. These two days we have not been able to purchase meat. The sister in whose house we lodge gave us to-day part of her dinner. We are still looking to Jesus for deliverance. We want money to pay the weekly rent and to buy provisions. March 19. Our landlady sent again of her meat for our dinner. We have but a halfpenny left. I feel myself very cold in asking for money: still, I hope for deliverance, though I do not see whence money is to come. We were not able to buy bread to-day as usual. March 20. This has been again a day of very great mercies. In the morning we met round our breakfast which the Lord had provided for us, though we had not a single penny left. The last halfpenny was spent for milk. We were then still looking to Jesus for fresh supplies. We both had no doubt that the Lord would interfere. I felt it a trial that I had but little earnestness in asking the Lord, and had this not been the case, perhaps we might have had our wants sooner supplied. We have about seven pounds in the house; but considering it no longer our own, the Lord kept us from taking of it, with the view of replacing what we had taken, as formerly I might have done. The meat which was sent yesterday for our dinner was enough also for to-day. Thus the Lord had provided another meal. Two sisters called upon us about noon, who gave us two pounds of sugar, one pound of coffee, and two cakes of chocolate.

Whilst they were with us, a poor sister came and brought us one shilling from herself and two shillings and sixpence from another poor sister.

Our landlady also sent us again of her dinner, and also a loaf. Our bread would scarcely have been enough for tea, had the Lord not thus graciously provided. In the afternoon, the same sister who brought the money brought us also, from another sister, one pound of b.u.t.ter and two shillings, and from another sister five shillings.

CHAPTER V.

MINISTRY AT BRISTOL BEGUN.

1832-1835.

"HERE HAVE WE NO CONTINUING CITY"--CAUTION TO THE CHRISTIAN TRAVELLER--NEW TOKENS FOR GOOD--THE WAY MADE CLEAR--MEETINGS FOR INQUIRY--NO RESPECT OF PERSONS WITH G.o.d--FRANCKE, "BEING DEAD, YET SPEAKETH"--DAILY BREAD SUPPLIED--A PECULIAR PEOPLE.

April 8. I have felt much this day that Teignmouth is no longer my place, and that I shall leave it. I would observe that in August of 1831 I began greatly to feel as if my work at Teignmouth were done, and that I should go somewhere else. I was led to consider the matter more maturely, and at last had it settled in this way,--that it was not likely to be of G.o.d, because, for certain reasons, I should _naturally_ have liked to leave Teignmouth. Afterwards, I felt quite comfortable in remaining there. In the commencement of the year 1832 I began again much to doubt whether Teignmouth was my place, or whether my gift was not much more that of going about from place to place, seeking to bring believers back to the Scriptures, than to stay in one place and to labor as a pastor. I resolved to try whether it were not the will of G.o.d that I should still give myself to pastoral work among the brethren at Teignmouth; and with more earnestness and faithfulness than ever I was enabled to give myself to this work, and was certainly much refreshed and blessed in it; and I saw immediately blessings result from it. This my experience seemed more than ever to settle me at Teignmouth. But notwithstanding this, the impression that my work was done there came back after some time, as the remark in my journal of April 8 shows, and it became stronger and stronger. There was one point remarkable in connection with this. Wherever I went I preached with much more enjoyment and power than at Teignmouth, the very reverse of which had been the case on my first going there. Moreover, almost everywhere I had many more hearers than at Teignmouth, and found the people hungering after food, which, generally speaking, was no longer the case at Teignmouth.

April 11. Felt again much that Teignmouth will not much longer be my residence. April 12. Still feel the impression that Teignmouth is no longer my place. April 13. Found a letter from brother Craik, from Bristol, on my return from Torquay, where I had been to preach. He invites me to come and help him. It appears to me, from what he writes, that such places as Bristol more suit my gifts. O Lord, teach me! I have felt this day more than ever that I shall soon leave Teignmouth. I fear, however, there is much connected with it which savors of the flesh, and that makes me fearful. It seems to me as if I should shortly go to Bristol, if the Lord permit. April 14. Wrote a letter to brother Craik, in which I said I should come, if I clearly saw it to be the Lord's will. Have felt again very much to-day, yea, far more than ever, that I shall soon leave Teignmouth.

April 15. Lord's day. This evening I preached, as fully as time would permit, on the Lord's second coming. After having done so, I told the brethren what effect this doctrine had had upon me, on first receiving it, even to determine me to leave London, and to preach throughout the kingdom; but that the Lord had kept me chiefly at Teignmouth for these two years and three months, and that it seemed to me now that the time was near when I should leave them. I reminded them of what I told them when they requested me to take the oversight of them, that I could make no certain engagement, but stay only so long with them as I should see it to be the Lord's will to do so. There was much weeping afterwards.

But I am now again in peace.

April 16. This morning I am still in peace. I am glad I have spoken to the brethren, that they may be prepared, in case the Lord should take me away. I left to-day for Dartmouth, where I preached in the evening. I had five answers to prayer to-day. 1. I awoke at five, for which I had asked the Lord last evening. 2. The Lord removed from my dear wife an indisposition under which she had been suffering. It would have been trying to me to have had to leave her in that state. 3. The Lord sent us money. 4. There was a place vacant on the Dartmouth coach, which only pa.s.ses through Teignmouth. 5. This evening I was a.s.sisted in preaching, and my own soul refreshed.

April 21. I would offer here a word of warning to believers. Often the work of the Lord itself may be a temptation to keep us from that communion with him which is so essential to the benefit of our own souls. On the 19th I had left Dartmouth, conversed a good deal that day, preached in the evening, walked afterwards eight miles, had only about five hours' sleep, travelled again the next day twenty-five miles, preached twice, and conversed very much besides, went to bed at eleven, and arose before five. All this shows that my body and spirit required rest, and, therefore, however careless about the Lord's work I might have appeared to my brethren, I ought to have had a great deal of quiet time for prayer and reading the word, especially as I had a long journey before me that day, and as I was going to Bristol, which in itself required much prayer. Instead of this, I hurried to the prayer meeting, after a few minutes' private prayer. But let none think that public prayer will make up for closet communion. Then again, afterwards, when I ought to have withdrawn myself, as it were, by force, from the company of beloved brethren and sisters, and given my testimony for the Lord, (and, indeed, it would have been the best testimony I could have given them,) by telling them that I needed secret communion with the Lord, I did not do so, but spent the time, till the coach came, in conversation with them. Now, however profitable in some respects it may have been made to those with whom I was on that morning, yet my own soul needed food; and not having had it, I was lean, and felt the effects of it the whole day; and hence I believe it came that I was dumb on the coach, and did not speak a word for Christ, nor give away a single tract, though I had my pockets full on purpose.

April 22. This morning I preached at Gideon Chapel, Bristol. In the afternoon I preached at the Pithay Chapel. This sermon was a blessing to many, many souls; and many were brought through it to come afterwards to hear brother Craik and me. Among others it was the means of converting a young man who was a notorious drunkard, and who was just again on his way to a public house, when an acquaintance of his met him, and asked him to go with him to hear a foreigner preach. He did so; and from that moment he was so completely altered, that he never again went to a public house, and was so happy in the Lord afterwards that he often neglected his supper, from eagerness to read the Scriptures, as his wife told me. He died about five months afterwards. This evening I was much instructed in hearing brother Craik preach. I am now fully persuaded that Bristol is the place where the Lord will have me to labor.

April 27. It seems to brother Craik and myself the Lord's will that we should go home next week, in order that in quietness, without being influenced by what we see here, we may more inquire into the Lord's will concerning us. It especially appears to us much more likely that we should come to a right conclusion among the brethren and sisters in Devonshire, whose tears we shall have to witness, and whose entreaties to stay with them we shall have to hear, than here in Bristol, where we see only those who wish us to stay.

April 28. It still seems to us the Lord's will that we should both leave soon, to have quiet time for prayer concerning Bristol. April 29. I preached this morning on Rev. iii. 14-22. As it afterwards appeared, that testimony was blessed to many, though I lacked enjoyment in my own soul. This afternoon brother Craik preached in a vessel called the Clifton Ark, fitted up for a chapel. In the evening I preached in the same vessel. These testimonies also G.o.d greatly honored, and made them the means of afterwards bringing several, who then heard us, to our meeting places. How was G.o.d with us, and how did he help us, thereby evidently showing that he himself had sent us to this city!

April 30. It was most affecting to take leave of the dear children of G.o.d, dozens pressing us to return soon, many with tears in their eyes.

The blessing which the Lord has given to our ministry seems to be very great. We both see it fully the Lord's will to come here, though we do not see under what circ.u.mstances. A brother has promised to take Bethesda Chapel for us, and to be answerable for the payment of the rent; so that thus we should have two large chapels. I saw, again, two instances to-day in which my preaching has been blessed.

May 1. Brother Craik and I left this morning for Devonshire.

May 3. I saw several of the brethren to-day, and felt so fully a.s.sured that it is the Lord's will that I should go to Bristol, that I told them so. This evening I had a meeting with the three deacons, when I told them plainly about it; asking them, if they see anything wrong in me concerning this matter, to tell me of it. They had nothing to say against it; yea, though much wishing me to stay, they were convinced themselves that my going is of G.o.d.

May 5. One other striking proof to my mind that my leaving Teignmouth is of G.o.d, is, that some truly spiritual believers, though they much wish me to stay, themselves see that I ought to go to Bristol.

May 7. Having received a letter from Bristol on May 5, it was answered to-day in such a way that the Lord may have another opportunity to prevent our going thither if it be not of him.

May 15. Just when I was in prayer concerning Bristol, I was sent for to come to brother Craik. Two letters had arrived from Bristol. The brethren a.s.sembling at Gideon accept our offer to come under the conditions we have made, _i. e._ for the present, to consider us only as ministering among them, but not in any fixed pastoral relationship, so that we may preach as we consider it to be according to the mind of G.o.d, _without reference to any rules among them; that the pew-rents should be done away with; and that we should go on, respecting the supply of our temporal wants, as in Devonshire_. We intend, the Lord willing, to leave in about a week, though there is nothing settled respecting Bethesda Chapel.

May 21. I began to-day to take leave of the brethren at Teignmouth, calling on each of them. It has been a trying day. Much weeping on the part of the saints. Were I not so fully persuaded that it is the will of G.o.d we should go to Bristol, I should have been hardly able to bear it.

May 22. The brethren at Teignmouth say that they expect us soon back again. _As far as I understand the way in which G.o.d deals with his children, this seems very unlikely._ Towards the evening, the Lord, after repeated prayer, gave me Col. i. 21-23 as a text for the last word of exhortation. It seemed to me best to speak as little as possible about myself, and as much as possible about Christ. I scarcely alluded to our separation, and only commended myself and the brethren, in the concluding prayer, to the Lord. The parting scenes are very trying, but my full persuasion is that the separation is of the Lord. May 23. My wife, Mr. Groves, my father-in-law, and I left this morning for Exeter.

Dear brother Craik intends to follow us to-morrow.

We had unexpectedly received, just before we left Teignmouth, about fifteen pounds, else we should not have been able to defray all the expenses connected with leaving, travelling, etc. By this, also, the Lord showed his mind concerning our going to Bristol.

The following record will now show to the believing reader how far what I have said concerning my persuasion that it was the will of G.o.d that we should go to Bristol has been proved by facts.

May 25, 1832. This evening we arrived at Bristol. May 27. This morning we received a sovereign, sent to us by a sister residing in _Devonshire_, which we take as an earnest that the Lord will provide for us here also. May 28. When we were going to speak to the brethren, who manage the temporal affairs of Gideon Chapel, about giving up the pew-rents, having all the seats free, and receiving the free-will offerings through a box, a matter which was not quite settled on their part, as brother Craik and I had thought, we found that the Lord had so graciously ordered this matter for us that there was not the least objection on the part of these brethren.

June 4. For several days we have been looking about for lodgings, but finding none plain and cheap enough, we were led to make this also a subject of earnest prayer; and now, immediately afterwards, the Lord has given us such as are suitable. We pay only eighteen shillings a week for two sitting-rooms and three bedrooms, coals, and attendance. It was particularly difficult to find _cheap_ furnished lodgings, having five rooms in the same house, which we need, as brother Craik and we live together. How good is the Lord to have thus appeared for us, in answer to prayer, and what an encouragement to commit everything to him in prayer!

June 25. To-day it was finally settled to take Bethesda Chapel for a twelvemonth, on condition that a brother at once paid the rent, with the understanding that, if the Lord shall bless our labors in that place, so that believers are gathered together in fellowship, he expects them to help him; but if not, that he will pay all. This was the only way in which we could take the chapel; for we could not think it to be of G.o.d to have had this chapel, though there should be every prospect of usefulness, if it had made us in any way debtors.