The Life of Trust Part 2

One day, when I was in a tavern with some of my wild fellow-students, I saw among them one of my former school-fellows, named Beta, whom I had known four years before at Halberstadt, but whom at that time I had despised, because he was so quiet and serious. It now appeared well to me to choose him as my friend, thinking that, if I could but have better companions, I should by that means improve my own conduct. "_Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm._"

This Beta was a backslider. When formerly he was so quiet at school, I have reason to believe it was because the Spirit of G.o.d was working on his heart; but now, having departed from the Lord, he tried to put off the ways of G.o.d more and more, and to enjoy the world of which he had known but little before. _I_ sought his friendship, because I thought it would lead me to a steady life; and _he_ gladly formed an acquaintance with me, as he told me afterwards, because he thought it would bring him into gay society.

At the commencement of August, Beta and I, with two other students, drove about the country for four days. When we returned, instead of being truly sorry on account of this sin, we thought of fresh pleasures; and as my love for travelling was stronger than ever, through what I had seen on this last journey, I proposed to my friends to set off for Switzerland. The obstacles in the way, the want of money, and the want of the pa.s.sports, were removed by _me_. For, through forged letters from our parents, we procured pa.s.sports, and through pledging all we could, particularly our books, we obtained as much money as we thought would be enough. Forty-three days we were day after day travelling, almost always on foot.

I had now obtained the desire of my heart. I had seen Switzerland. But still I was far from being happy. I was on this journey like Judas; for, having the common purse, I was a thief. I managed so that the journey cost me but two thirds of what it cost my friends. I had, by many lies, to satisfy my father concerning the travelling expenses. During the three weeks I stayed at home, I determined to live differently for the future. I was different for a few days; but when the vacation was over, and fresh students came, and, with them, fresh money, all was soon forgotten.

CHAPTER II.

THE PRODIGAL'S RETURN.

1825-1826.

A TREASURE FOUND--DAWNING OF THE NEW LIFE--THE PEACE OF G.o.d--"I AM COME TO SET A MAN AT VARIANCE AGAINST HIS FATHER"--"LET HIM THAT HEARETH SAY, COME"--THE FIRST SERMON--DELIGHT IN THE LORD--A COMMON ERROR--THE FOUNTAIN NEGLECTED.

The time was now come when G.o.d would have mercy upon me. At a time when I was as careless about him as ever, he sent his Spirit into my heart. I had no Bible, and had not read in it for years. I went to church but seldom; but, from custom, I took the Lord's Supper twice a year. I had never heard the gospel preached. I had never met with a person who told me that he meant, by the help of G.o.d, to live according to the Holy Scriptures. In short, I had not the least idea that there were any persons really different from myself, except in degree.

On Sat.u.r.day afternoon, about the middle of November, 1825, I had taken a walk with my friend Beta. On our return he said to me that he was in the habit of going on Sat.u.r.day evenings to the house of a Christian, where there was a meeting. On further inquiry, he told me that they read the Bible, sang, prayed, and read a printed sermon. No sooner had I heard this than it was to me as if I had found something after which I had been seeking all my life long. We went together in the evening. As I did not know the manners of believers, and the joy they have in seeing poor sinners, even in any measure, caring about the things of G.o.d, I made an apology for coming. The kind answer of the dear brother I shall never forget. He said: "Come as often as you please; house and heart are open to you." We sat down and sang a hymn. Then brother Kayser, now a missionary in Africa, fell on his knees and asked a blessing on our meeting. This kneeling down made a deep impression upon me; for I had never either seen any one on his knees, nor had I ever myself prayed on my knees. He then read a chapter and a printed sermon; for no regular meetings for expounding the Scriptures were allowed in Prussia, except an ordained clergyman was present. At the close we sang another hymn, and then the master of the house prayed. Whilst he prayed, my feeling was something like this: "I could not pray as well, though I am much more learned than this illiterate man." The whole made a deep impression on me. I was happy; though, if I had been asked why I was happy, I could not have clearly explained it.

When we walked home, I said to Beta: "All we have seen on our journey to Switzerland, and all our former pleasures, are as nothing in comparison with this evening." Whether I fell on my knees when I returned home, I do not remember; but this I know, that I lay peaceful and happy in my bed. This shows that the Lord may begin his work in different ways. For I have not the least doubt that on that evening he began a work of grace in me, though I obtained joy without any deep sorrow of heart, and with scarcely any knowledge. But that evening was the turning-point in my life. The next day, and Monday, and once or twice besides, I went again to the house of this brother, where I read the Scriptures with him and another brother; for it was too long for me to wait till Sat.u.r.day came again.

Now my life became very different, though not so that all sins were given up at once. My wicked companions were given up; the going to taverns was entirely discontinued; the habitual practice of telling falsehoods was no longer indulged in; but still a few times after this I spoke an untruth. I read the Scriptures, prayed often, loved the brethren, went to church from right motives, and stood on the side of Christ, though laughed at by my fellow-students.

In January, 1826, I began to read missionary papers, and was greatly stirred up to become a missionary myself. I prayed frequently concerning this matter, and thus made more decided progress for a few weeks. About Easter, 1826, I saw a devoted young brother, named Hermann Ball, a learned man, and of wealthy parents, who, constrained by the love of Christ, preferred laboring in Poland among the Jews as a missionary to having a comfortable living near his relations. His example made a deep impression on me. The Lord smiled on me, and I was, for the first time in my life, able fully and unreservedly to give up myself to him.

At this time I began truly to enjoy the peace of G.o.d which pa.s.seth all understanding. In my joy I wrote to my father and brother, entreating them to seek the Lord, and telling them how happy I was; thinking that, if the way to happiness were but set before them, they would gladly embrace it. To my great surprise an angry answer was returned. About this period the Lord sent a believer, Dr. Tholuck, as professor of divinity to Halle, in consequence of which a few believing students came from other universities. Thus also, through becoming acquainted with other brethren, the Lord led me on.

My former desire to give myself to missionary service returned, and I went at last to my father to obtain his permission, without which I could not be received into any of the German missionary inst.i.tutions. My father was greatly displeased, and particularly reproached me, saying that he had expended so much money on my education, in hope that he might comfortably spend his last days with me in a parsonage, and that he now saw all these prospects come to nothing. He was angry, and told me he would no longer consider me as his son. But the Lord gave me grace to remain steadfast. He then entreated me, and wept before me; yet even this by far harder trial the Lord enabled me to bear. After I had left my father, though I wanted more money than at any previous period of my life, as I had to remain two years longer in the university, I determined never to take any more from him; for it seemed to me wrong, so far as I remember, to suffer myself to be supported by him, when he had no prospect that I should become what he would wish me to be, namely, a clergyman with a good living. This resolution I was enabled to keep.

Shortly after this had occurred, several American gentlemen, three of whom were professors in American colleges, came to Halle for literary purposes, and, as they did not understand German, I was recommended by Dr. Tholuck to teach them. These gentlemen, some of whom were believers, paid so handsomely for the instruction which I gave them, and for the lectures of certain professors which I wrote out for them, that I had enough and to spare. Thus did the Lord richly make up to me the little which I had relinquished for his sake. "_O fear the Lord, ye his saints; for there is no want to them that fear him._"

Whitsuntide, and the two days following, I spent in the house of a pious clergyman in the country; for all the ministers at Halle, a town of more than twenty thousand inhabitants, were unenlightened men. G.o.d greatly refreshed me through this visit. Dear Beta was with me. On our return we related to two of our former friends, whose society we had not quite given up, though we did not any longer live with them in sin, how happy we had been on our visit. I then told them how I wished they were as happy as ourselves. They answered, We do not feel that we are sinners.

After this I fell on my knees, and asked G.o.d to show them that they were sinners. Having done so, I went into my bedroom, where I continued to pray for them. After a little while, I returned to my sitting-room and found them both in tears, and both told me that they now felt themselves to be sinners. From that time a work of grace commenced in their hearts.

Though very weak and ignorant, yet I had now, by the grace of G.o.d, some desire to benefit others, and he who so faithfully had once served Satan, sought now to win souls for Christ. I circulated every month about three hundred missionary papers. I also distributed a considerable number of tracts, and often took my pockets full in my walks, and distributed them, and spoke to poor people whom I met. I also wrote letters to some of my former companions in sin. I visited, for thirteen weeks, a sick man, who, when I first began to speak to him about the things of G.o.d, was completely ignorant of his state as a sinner, trusting for salvation in his upright and moral life. After some weeks, however, the Lord allowed me to see a decided change in him, and he afterwards repeatedly expressed his grat.i.tude that I had been sent to him by G.o.d to be the means of opening his blind eyes.

Having heard that there was a schoolmaster living in a village about six miles from Halle, who was in the habit of holding a prayer meeting at four o'clock every morning, with the miners, before they went into the pit, giving them also an address, I thought he was a believer; and as I knew so very few brethren, I went to see him, in order, if it might be, to strengthen his hands. About two years afterwards, he told me that when I came to him first he knew not the Lord, but that he had held these prayer meetings merely out of kindness to a relative, whose office it was, but who had gone on a journey; and that those addresses which he had read were not his own, but copied out of a book. He also told me that he was much impressed with my kindness, and what he considered condescension on my part in coming to see him, and this, together with my conversation, had been instrumental in leading him to care about the things of G.o.d, and I knew him ever afterwards as a true brother.

This schoolmaster asked me whether I would not preach in his parish, as the aged clergyman would be very glad of my a.s.sistance. Up to this time I had never preached; yet I thought that by taking a sermon, or the greater part of one, written by a spiritual man, and committing it to memory, I might benefit the people. I set about putting a printed sermon into a suitable form, and committing it to memory. There is no joy in man's own doings and choosings. I got through it, but had no enjoyment in the work. It was on August 27, 1826, at eight in the morning, in a chapel of ease. There was one service more, in the afternoon, at which I needed not to have done anything; but having a desire to serve the Lord, though I often knew not how to do it scripturally, and knowing that this aged and unenlightened clergyman had had this living for forty-eight years, and having therefore reason to believe that the gospel scarcely ever had been preached in that place, I had it in my heart to preach again in the afternoon. It came to my mind to read the fifth chapter of Matthew, and to make such remarks as I was able. I did so. Immediately upon beginning to expound "Blessed are the poor in spirit," etc., I felt myself greatly a.s.sisted; and whereas in the morning my sermon had not been simple enough for the people to understand it, I now was listened to with the greatest attention, and I think was also understood. My own peace and joy were great. I felt this a blessed work.

On my way to Halle I thought, this is the way I should like always to preach. But then it came immediately to my mind that such sort of preaching might do for illiterate country people, but that it never would do before a well-educated a.s.sembly in town. I thought the truth ought to be preached at all hazards, but it ought to be given in a different form, suited to the hearers. Thus I remained unsettled in my mind as it regards the mode of preaching; and it is not surprising that I did not then see the truth concerning this matter, for I did not understand the work of the Spirit, and therefore saw not the powerlessness of human eloquence. Further, I did not keep in mind that if the most illiterate persons in the congregation can comprehend the discourse, the most educated will understand it too; but that the reverse does not hold true.

It was not till three years afterwards that I was led, through grace, to see what I now consider the right mode of preparation for the public preaching of the word. But about this, if G.o.d permit, I will say more when I come to that period of my life.

It was about this time that I formed the plan of exchanging the University of Halle for that of Berlin, on account of there being a greater number of believing professors and students in the latter place.

But the whole plan was formed without prayer, or at least without earnest prayer. When, however, the morning came on which I had to apply for the university testimonials, the Lord graciously stirred me up prayerfully to consider the matter; and finding that I had no sufficient reason for leaving Halle, I gave up the plan, and have never had reason to regret having done so.

The public means of grace by which I could be benefited were very few.

Though I went regularly to church when I did not preach myself, yet I scarcely ever heard the truth; for there was no enlightened clergyman in the town. And when it so happened that I could hear Dr. Tholuck, or any other G.o.dly minister, the prospect of it beforehand, and the looking back upon it afterwards, served to fill me with joy. _Now and then I walked ten or fifteen miles to enjoy this privilege._

Another means of grace which I attended, besides the Sat.u.r.day-evening meetings in brother Wagner's house, was a meeting every Lord's-day evening with the believing students, six or more in number, increased, before I left Halle, to about twenty. In these meetings, one or two, or more, of the brethren prayed, and we read the Scriptures, sang hymns, and sometimes also one or another of the brethren spoke a little in the way of exhortation, and we read also such writings of G.o.dly men as were calculated for edification. I was often greatly stirred up and refreshed in these meetings; and twice, being in a backsliding state, and therefore cold and miserable, I opened my heart to the brethren, and was brought out of that state through the means of their exhortations and prayers.

As to the other means of grace, I would say, I fell into the snare into which so many young believers fall, the reading of religious books in preference to the Scriptures. I read tracts, missionary papers, sermons, and biographies of G.o.dly persons. I never had been at any time of my life in the habit of reading the Holy Scriptures. When under fifteen years of age, I occasionally read a little of them at school; afterwards G.o.d's precious book was entirely laid aside, so that I never read one single chapter of it till it pleased G.o.d to begin a work of grace in my heart. Now the scriptural way of reasoning would have been: G.o.d himself has consented to be an author, and I am ignorant about that precious book, which his Holy Spirit has caused to be written through the instrumentality of his servants, and it contains that which I ought to know, the knowledge of which will lead me to true happiness; therefore I ought to read again and again this most precious book of books, most earnestly, most prayerfully, and with much meditation; and in this practice I ought to continue all the days of my life. But instead of acting thus, my difficulty in understanding it, and the little enjoyment I had in it, made me careless of reading it; and thus, like many believers, I practically preferred, for the first four years of my divine life, the works of uninspired men to the oracles of the living G.o.d. The consequence was, that I remained a babe, both in knowledge and grace.

The last and most important means of grace, prayer, was comparatively but little used by me. I prayed, and prayed often, and in general, by the grace of G.o.d, with sincerity; but had I prayed as earnestly as I have of late years, I should have made much more rapid progress.

CHAPTER III.

SELF-DEDICATION.

1826-1829.

DESIRE FOR MISSIONARY LABOR--PROVIDENTIAL RELEASE FROM MILITARY SERVICE--VISIT AT HOME--LED TO THE LAND OF HIS FUTURE LABORS--PROGRESS IN RELIGIOUS KNOWLEDGE--DESIRE FOR IMMEDIATE USEFULNESS.

In August, 1827, I heard that the Continental Society in England intended to send a minister to Bucharest, the residence of many nominal German Christians, to help an aged brother in the work of the Lord.

After consideration and prayer, I offered myself for this work to Professor Tholuck, who was requested to look out for a suitable individual; for with all my weakness I had a great desire to live wholly for G.o.d. Most unexpectedly my father gave his consent, though Bucharest was above a thousand miles from my home, and as completely a missionary station as any other. I now prepared with earnestness for the work of the Lord. I set before me the sufferings which might await me. And he who once so fully served Satan was now willing, constrained by the love of Christ, rather to suffer affliction for the sake of Jesus than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season. I also prayed with a degree of earnestness concerning my future work.

One day, at the end of October, the above-mentioned brother, Hermann Ball, missionary to the Jews, stated that he feared, on account of his health, he should be obliged to give up laboring among the Jews. When I heard this, I felt a peculiar desire to fill up his place. About this very time, also, I became exceedingly fond of the Hebrew language, which I had cared about very little up to that time, and which I had merely studied now and then, from a sense of duty. But now I studied it, for many weeks, with the greatest eagerness and delight. Whilst I thus from time to time felt a desire to fill up brother Ball's place, and whilst I thus greatly delighted in the study of Hebrew, I called, in the evening of November 17, on Dr. Tholuck. In the course of conversation he asked me whether I had ever had a desire to be a missionary to the Jews, as I might be connected with the London Missionary Society for promoting Christianity among them, for which he was an agent. I was struck with the question, and told him what had pa.s.sed in my mind, but added that it was not proper to think anything about that, as I was going to Bucharest; to which he agreed.

When I came home, however, these few words were like fire within me. The next morning I felt all desire for going to Bucharest gone, which appeared to me very wrong and fleshly, and I therefore entreated the Lord to restore to me the former desire for laboring on that missionary station. He graciously did so almost immediately. My earnestness in studying Hebrew, and my peculiar love for it, however, continued.

About ten days after, Dr. Tholuck received a letter from the Continental. Society, stating, that on account of the war between the Turks and Russians, it appeared well to the committee for the time being to give up the thought of sending a minister to Bucharest, as it was the seat of war between the two armies. Dr. Tholuck then asked me again what I now thought about being a missionary to the Jews. My reply was that I could not then give an answer, but that I would let him know, after I had prayerfully considered the matter. After prayer and consideration, and consulting with experienced brethren, in order that they might probe my heart as to my motives, I came to this conclusion, that I ought to offer myself to the committee, leaving it with the Lord to do with me afterwards as it might seem good in his sight. Accordingly, Dr. Tholuck wrote, about the beginning of December, 1827, to the committee in London.

It was not before March, 1828, that he received an answer from London respecting me, in which the committee put a number of questions to me, on the satisfactory answers to which my being received by them would depend. After replying to this first communication, I waited daily for an answer, and was so much the more desirous of having it, as my course in the university was completed. At last, on June 13, I received a letter from London, stating that the committee had determined to take me as a missionary student for six months on probation, provided that I would come to London.

I had now had the matter before me about seven months, having supposed not only that it would have been settled in a few weeks, but also, that, if I were accepted, I should be sent out immediately, as I had pa.s.sed the university. Instead of this, not only seven months pa.s.sed over before the decision came, but I was also expected to come to London; and not only so, but though I had from my infancy been more or less studying, and now at last wished actively to be engaged, it was required that I should again become a student. For a few moments, therefore, I was greatly disappointed and tried. But on calmly considering the matter, it appeared to me but right that the committee should know me personally, and that it was also well for me to know them more intimately than merely by correspondence, as this afterwards would make our connection much more comfortable. I determined, therefore, after I had seen my father, and found no difficulty on his part, to go to London.

There was, however, an obstacle in the way of my leaving the country.

Every Prussian male subject is under the necessity of being for three years a soldier, provided his state of body allows it; but those who have had a cla.s.sical education up to a certain degree, and especially those who have pa.s.sed the university, need to be only one year in the army, but have to equip and maintain themselves during that year. I could not obtain a pa.s.sport out of the country till I had either served my time or had been exempted by the king himself. The latter I hoped would be the case; for it was a well-known fact that those who had given themselves to missionary service had always been exempted. Certain brethren of influence, living in the capital, to whom I wrote on the subject, wrote to the king; but he replied that the matter must be referred to the ministry and to the law, and no exception was made in my favor.

My chief concern now was how I might obtain a pa.s.sport for England, through exemption from military duty. But the more certain brethren tried, though they knew how to set about the matter, and were also persons of rank, the greater difficulty there appeared to be in obtaining my object; so that in the middle of January, 1829, it seemed as if I must immediately become a soldier. There was now but one more way untried, and it was at last resorted to. A believing major, who was on good terms with one of the chief generals, proposed that I should actually offer myself for entering the army, and that then I should be examined as to my bodily qualifications, in the hope that, as I was still in a very weak state of body, I should be found unfit for military service. In that case it would belong to the chief general finally to settle the matter; who, being a G.o.dly man himself, on the major's recommendation, would, no doubt, hasten the decision, on account of my desire to be a missionary to the Jews.

Thus far the Lord had allowed things to go, to show me, it appears, that all my friends could not procure me a pa.s.sport till his time was come.

But now it was come. The King of kings had intended that I should go to England, because he would bless me there and make me a blessing, though I was at that time, and am still, most unworthy of it; and, therefore, though the king of Prussia had not been pleased to make an exemption in my favor, yet now all was made plain, and that at a time when hope had almost been given up, and when the last means had been resorted to. I was examined, and was declared to be unfit for military service. With a medical certificate to this effect, and a letter of recommendation from the major, I went to this chief general, who received me very kindly, and who himself wrote instantaneously to a second military physician, likewise to examine me _at once_. This was done, and it was by him confirmed that I was unfit. Now, the chief general himself, as his adjutants happened to be absent, in order to hasten the matter, wrote, with his own hands, the papers which were needed, and I got a complete dismissal, and that for life, from all military engagements.

On February 5 I arrived at my father's house; it was the place where I had lived as a boy, and the scene of many of my sins, my father having now returned to it after his retirement from office. There were but three persons in the whole town with whom my soul had any fellowship.

One of them was earning his daily bread by thrashing corn. As a boy I had in my heart laughed at him. Now I sought him out, having been informed that he was a brother, to acknowledge him as such, by having fellowship with him, and attending a meeting in his house on the Lord's-day evening. My soul was refreshed, and his also. Such a spiritual feast as meeting with a brother was a rare thing to him.

I left my father's house on February 10, and about February 22 arrived at Rotterdam. My going to England by the way of Rotterdam was not the usual way; but, consulting with a brother in Berlin, who had been twice in England, I was told that this was the cheapest route. My asking this brother, to be profited by his experience, would have been quite right, had I, besides this, like Ezra, sought of the Lord the right way.[12]

But I sought unto men only, and not at all unto the Lord, in this matter. When I came to Rotterdam, I found that no vessels went at that time from that port to London, on account of the ice having just broken up in the river. Thus I had to wait nearly a month at Rotterdam, and needed much more time than I should have required to go by way of Hamburg, and also much more money.