The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Part 66

The corporal had unwarily conjured up the Spirit of calculation with his wand; and he had nothing to do, but to conjure him down again with his story, and in this form of Exorcism, most un-ecclesiastically did the corporal do it.

Chapter 4.LXIV.

As Tom's place, an' please your honour, was easy-and the weather warm-it put him upon thinking seriously of settling himself in the world; and as it fell out about that time, that a Jew who kept a sausage shop in the same street, had the ill luck to die of a strangury, and leave his widow in possession of a rousing trade-Tom thought (as every body in Lisbon was doing the best he could devise for himself) there could be no harm in offering her his service to carry it on: so without any introduction to the widow, except that of buying a pound of sausages at her shop-Tom set out-counting the matter thus within himself, as he walk'd along; that let the worst come of it that could, he should at least get a pound of sausages for their worth-but, if things went well, he should be set up; inasmuch as he should get not only a pound of sausages-but a wife and-a sausage shop, an' please your honour, into the bargain.

Every servant in the family, from high to low, wish'd Tom success; and I can fancy, an' please your honour, I see him this moment with his white dimity waist-coat and breeches, and hat a little o' one side, pa.s.sing jollily along the street, swinging his stick, with a smile and a chearful word for every body he met:-But alas! Tom! thou smilest no more, cried the corporal, looking on one side of him upon the ground, as if he apostrophised him in his dungeon.

Poor fellow! said my uncle Toby, feelingly.

He was an honest, light-hearted lad, an' please your honour, as ever blood warm'd-

-Then he resembled thee, Trim, said my uncle Toby, rapidly.

The corporal blush'd down to his fingers ends-a tear of sentimental bashfulness-another of grat.i.tude to my uncle Toby-and a tear of sorrow for his brother's misfortunes, started into his eye, and ran sweetly down his cheek together; my uncle Toby's kindled as one lamp does at another; and taking hold of the breast of Trim's coat (which had been that of Le Fever's) as if to ease his lame leg, but in reality to gratify a finer feeling-he stood silent for a minute and a half; at the end of which he took his hand away, and the corporal making a bow, went on with his story of his brother and the Jew's widow.

Chapter 4.LXV.

When Tom, an' please your honour, got to the shop, there was n.o.body in it, but a poor negro girl, with a bunch of white feathers slightly tied to the end of a long cane, flapping away flies-not killing them.-'Tis a pretty picture! said my uncle Toby-she had suffered persecution, Trim, and had learnt mercy-

-She was good, an' please your honour, from nature, as well as from hardships; and there are circ.u.mstances in the story of that poor friendless s.l.u.t, that would melt a heart of stone, said Trim; and some dismal winter's evening, when your honour is in the humour, they shall be told you with the rest of Tom's story, for it makes a part of it-

Then do not forget, Trim, said my uncle Toby.

A negro has a soul? an' please your honour, said the corporal (doubtingly).

I am not much versed, corporal, quoth my uncle Toby, in things of that kind; but I suppose, G.o.d would not leave him without one, any more than thee or me-

-It would be putting one sadly over the head of another, quoth the corporal.

It would so; said my uncle Toby. Why then, an' please your honour, is a black wench to be used worse than a white one?

I can give no reason, said my uncle Toby-

-Only, cried the corporal, shaking his head, because she has no one to stand up for her-

-'Tis that very thing, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby,-which recommends her to protection-and her brethren with her; 'tis the fortune of war which has put the whip into our hands now-where it may be hereafter, heaven knows!-but be it where it will, the brave, Trim! will not use it unkindly.

-G.o.d forbid, said the corporal.

Amen, responded my uncle Toby, laying his hand upon his heart.

The corporal returned to his story, and went on-but with an embarra.s.sment in doing it, which here and there a reader in this world will not be able to comprehend; for by the many sudden transitions all along, from one kind and cordial pa.s.sion to another, in getting thus far on his way, he had lost the sportable key of his voice, which gave sense and spirit to his tale: he attempted twice to resume it, but could not please himself; so giving a stout hem! to rally back the retreating spirits, and aiding nature at the same time with his left arm a kimbo on one side, and with his right a little extended, supporting her on the other-the corporal got as near the note as he could; and in that att.i.tude, continued his story.

Chapter 4.LXVI.

As Tom, an' please your honour, had no business at that time with the Moorish girl, he pa.s.sed on into the room beyond, to talk to the Jew's widow about love-and this pound of sausages; and being, as I have told your honour, an open cheary-hearted lad, with his character wrote in his looks and carriage, he took a chair, and without much apology, but with great civility at the same time, placed it close to her at the table, and sat down.

There is nothing so awkward, as courting a woman, an' please your honour, whilst she is making sausages-So Tom began a discourse upon them; first, gravely,-'as how they were made-with what meats, herbs, and spices.'-Then a little gayly,-as, 'With what skins-and if they never burst-Whether the largest were not the best?'-and so on-taking care only as he went along, to season what he had to say upon sausages, rather under than over;-that he might have room to act in-

It was owing to the neglect of that very precaution, said my uncle Toby, laying his hand upon Trim's shoulder, that Count De la Motte lost the battle of Wynendale: he pressed too speedily into the wood; which if he had not done, Lisle had not fallen into our hands, nor Ghent and Bruges, which both followed her example; it was so late in the year, continued my uncle Toby, and so terrible a season came on, that if things had not fallen out as they did, our troops must have perish'd in the open field.-

-Why, therefore, may not battles, an' please your honour, as well as marriages, be made in heaven?-my uncle Toby mused-

Religion inclined him to say one thing, and his high idea of military skill tempted him to say another; so not being able to frame a reply exactly to his mind-my uncle Toby said nothing at all; and the corporal finished his story.

As Tom perceived, an' please your honour, that he gained ground, and that all he had said upon the subject of sausages was kindly taken, he went on to help her a little in making them.-First, by taking hold of the ring of the sausage whilst she stroked the forced meat down with her hand-then by cutting the strings into proper lengths, and holding them in his hand, whilst she took them out one by one-then, by putting them across her mouth, that she might take them out as she wanted them-and so on from little to more, till at last he adventured to tie the sausage himself, whilst she held the snout.-

-Now a widow, an' please your honour, always chuses a second husband as unlike the first as she can: so the affair was more than half settled in her mind before Tom mentioned it.

She made a feint however of defending herself, by s.n.a.t.c.hing up a sausage:-Tom instantly laid hold of another-

But seeing Tom's had more gristle in it-

She signed the capitulation-and Tom sealed it; and there was an end of the matter.

Chapter 4.LXVII.

All womankind, continued Trim, (commenting upon his story) from the highest to the lowest, an' please your honour, love jokes; the difficulty is to know how they chuse to have them cut; and there is no knowing that, but by trying, as we do with our artillery in the field, by raising or letting down their breeches, till we hit the mark.-

-I like the comparison, said my uncle Toby, better than the thing itself-

-Because your honour, quoth the corporal, loves glory, more than pleasure.

I hope, Trim, answered my uncle Toby, I love mankind more than either; and as the knowledge of arms tends so apparently to the good and quiet of the world-and particularly that branch of it which we have practised together in our bowling-green, has no object but to shorten the strides of Ambition, and intrench the lives and fortunes of the few, from the plunderings of the many-whenever that drum beats in our ears, I trust, corporal, we shall neither of us want so much humanity and fellow-feeling, as to face about and march.

In p.r.o.nouncing this, my uncle Toby faced about, and march'd firmly as at the head of his company-and the faithful corporal, shouldering his stick, and striking his hand upon his coat-skirt as he took his first step-march'd close behind him down the avenue.

-Now what can their two noddles be about? cried my father to my mother-by all that's strange, they are besieging Mrs. Wadman in form, and are marching round her house to mark out the lines of circ.u.mvallation.

I dare say, quoth my mother-But stop, dear Sir-for what my mother dared to say upon the occasion-and what my father did say upon it-with her replies and his rejoinders, shall be read, perused, paraphrased, commented, and descanted upon-or to say it all in a word, shall be thumb'd over by Posterity in a chapter apart-I say, by Posterity-and care not, if I repeat the word again-for what has this book done more than the Legation of Moses, or the Tale of a Tub, that it may not swim down the gutter of Time along with them?

I will not argue the matter: Time wastes too fast: every letter I trace tells me with what rapidity Life follows my pen: the days and hours of it, more precious, my dear Jenny! than the rubies about thy neck, are flying over our heads like light clouds of a windy day, never to return more-every thing presses on-whilst thou art twisting that lock,-see! it grows grey; and every time I kiss thy hand to bid adieu, and every absence which follows it, are preludes to that eternal separation which we are shortly to make.-