The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Part 11

I have dropped the curtain over this scene for a minute,-to remind you of one thing,-and to inform you of another.

What I have to inform you, comes, I own, a little out of its due course;-for it should have been told a hundred and fifty pages ago, but that I foresaw then 'twould come in pat hereafter, and be of more advantage here than elsewhere.-Writers had need look before them, to keep up the spirit and connection of what they have in hand.

When these two things are done,-the curtain shall be drawn up again, and my uncle Toby, my father, and Dr. Slop, shall go on with their discourse, without any more interruption.

First, then, the matter which I have to remind you of, is this;-that from the specimens of singularity in my father's notions in the point of Christian-names, and that other previous point thereto,-you was led, I think, into an opinion,-(and I am sure I said as much) that my father was a gentleman altogether as odd and whimsical in fifty other opinions. In truth, there was not a stage in the life of man, from the very first act of his begetting,-down to the lean and slippered pantaloon in his second childishness, but he had some favourite notion to himself, springing out of it, as sceptical, and as far out of the high-way of thinking, as these two which have been explained.

-Mr. Shandy, my father, Sir, would see nothing in the light in which others placed it;-he placed things in his own light;-he would weigh nothing in common scales;-no, he was too refined a researcher to lie open to so gross an imposition.-To come at the exact weight of things in the scientific steel-yard, the fulcrum, he would say, should be almost invisible, to avoid all friction from popular tenets;-without this the minutiae of philosophy, which would always turn the balance, will have no weight at all. Knowledge, like matter, he would affirm, was divisible in infinitum;-that the grains and scruples were as much a part of it, as the gravitation of the whole world.-In a word, he would say, error was error,-no matter where it fell,-whether in a fraction,-or a pound,-'twas alike fatal to truth, and she was kept down at the bottom of her well, as inevitably by a mistake in the dust of a b.u.t.terfly's wing,-as in the disk of the sun, the moon, and all the stars of heaven put together.

He would often lament that it was for want of considering this properly, and of applying it skilfully to civil matters, as well as to speculative truths, that so many things in this world were out of joint;-that the political arch was giving way;-and that the very foundations of our excellent const.i.tution in church and state, were so sapped as estimators had reported.

You cry out, he would say, we are a ruined, undone people. Why? he would ask, making use of the sorites or syllogism of Zeno and Chrysippus, without knowing it belonged to them.-Why? why are we a ruined people?-Because we are corrupted.-Whence is it, dear Sir, that we are corrupted?-Because we are needy;-our poverty, and not our wills, consent.-And wherefore, he would add, are we needy?-From the neglect, he would answer, of our pence and our halfpence:-Our bank notes, Sir, our guineas,-nay our shillings take care of themselves.

'Tis the same, he would say, throughout the whole circle of the sciences;-the great, the established points of them, are not to be broke in upon.-The laws of nature will defend themselves;-but error-(he would add, looking earnestly at my mother)-error, Sir, creeps in thro' the minute holes and small crevices which human nature leaves unguarded.

This turn of thinking in my father, is what I had to remind you of:-The point you are to be informed of, and which I have reserved for this place, is as follows.

Amongst the many and excellent reasons, with which my father had urged my mother to accept of Dr. Slop's a.s.sistance preferably to that of the old woman,-there was one of a very singular nature; which, when he had done arguing the matter with her as a Christian, and came to argue it over again with her as a philosopher, he had put his whole strength to, depending indeed upon it as his sheet-anchor.-It failed him, tho' from no defect in the argument itself; but that, do what he could, he was not able for his soul to make her comprehend the drift of it.-Cursed luck!-said he to himself, one afternoon, as he walked out of the room, after he had been stating it for an hour and a half to her, to no manner of purpose;-cursed luck! said he, biting his lip as he shut the door,-for a man to be master of one of the finest chains of reasoning in nature,-and have a wife at the same time with such a head-piece, that he cannot hang up a single inference within side of it, to save his soul from destruction.

This argument, though it was entirely lost upon my mother,-had more weight with him, than all his other arguments joined together:-I will therefore endeavour to do it justice,-and set it forth with all the perspicuity I am master of.

My father set out upon the strength of these two following axioms:

First, That an ounce of a man's own wit, was worth a ton of other people's; and,

Secondly, (Which by the bye, was the ground-work of the first axiom,-tho' it comes last) That every man's wit must come from every man's own soul,-and no other body's.

Now, as it was plain to my father, that all souls were by nature equal,-and that the great difference between the most acute and the most obtuse understanding-was from no original sharpness or bluntness of one thinking substance above or below another,-but arose merely from the lucky or unlucky organization of the body, in that part where the soul princ.i.p.ally took up her residence,-he had made it the subject of his enquiry to find out the identical place.

Now, from the best accounts he had been able to get of this matter, he was satisfied it could not be where Des Cartes had fixed it, upon the top of the pineal gland of the brain; which, as he philosophized, formed a cushion for her about the size of a marrow pea; tho' to speak the truth, as so many nerves did terminate all in that one place,-'twas no bad conjecture;-and my father had certainly fallen with that great philosopher plumb into the centre of the mistake, had it not been for my uncle Toby, who rescued him out of it, by a story he told him of a Walloon officer at the battle of Landen, who had one part of his brain shot away by a musket-ball,-and another part of it taken out after by a French surgeon; and after all, recovered, and did his duty very well without it.

If death, said my father, reasoning with himself, is nothing but the separation of the soul from the body;-and if it is true that people can walk about and do their business without brains,-then certes the soul does not inhabit there. Q.E.D.

As for that certain, very thin, subtle and very fragrant juice which Coglionissimo Borri, the great Milaneze physician affirms, in a letter to Bartholine, to have discovered in the cellulae of the occipital parts of the cerebellum, and which he likewise affirms to be the princ.i.p.al seat of the reasonable soul, (for, you must know, in these latter and more enlightened ages, there are two souls in every man living,-the one, according to the great Metheglingius, being called the Animus, the other, the Anima;)-as for the opinion, I say of Borri,-my father could never subscribe to it by any means; the very idea of so n.o.ble, so refined, so immaterial, and so exalted a being as the Anima, or even the Animus, taking up her residence, and sitting dabbling, like a tad-pole all day long, both summer and winter, in a puddle,-or in a liquid of any kind, how thick or thin soever, he would say, shocked his imagination; he would scarce give the doctrine a hearing.

What, therefore, seemed the least liable to objections of any, was that the chief sensorium, or head-quarters of the soul, and to which place all intelligences were referred, and from whence all her mandates were issued,-was in, or near, the cerebellum,-or rather somewhere about the medulla oblongata, wherein it was generally agreed by Dutch anatomists, that all the minute nerves from all the organs of the seven senses concentered, like streets and winding alleys, into a square.

So far there was nothing singular in my father's opinion,-he had the best of philosophers, of all ages and climates, to go along with him.-But here he took a road of his own, setting up another Shandean hypothesis upon these corner-stones they had laid for him;-and which said hypothesis equally stood its ground; whether the subtilty and fineness of the soul depended upon the temperature and clearness of the said liquor, or of the finer net-work and texture in the cerebellum itself; which opinion he favoured.

He maintained, that next to the due care to be taken in the act of propagation of each individual, which required all the thought in the world, as it laid the foundation of this incomprehensible contexture, in which wit, memory, fancy, eloquence, and what is usually meant by the name of good natural parts, do consist;-that next to this and his Christian-name, which were the two original and most efficacious causes of all;-that the third cause, or rather what logicians call the Causa sina qua non, and without which all that was done was of no manner of significance,-was the preservation of this delicate and fine-spun web, from the havock which was generally made in it by the violent compression and crush which the head was made to undergo, by the nonsensical method of bringing us into the world by that foremost.

-This requires explanation.

My father, who dipped into all kinds of books, upon looking into Lithopaedus Senonesis de Portu difficili, (The author is here twice mistaken; for Lithopaedus should be wrote thus, Lithopaedii Senonensis Icon. The second mistake is, that this Lithopaedus is not an author, but a drawing of a petrified child. The account of this, published by Athosius 1580, may be seen at the end of Cordaeus's works in s.p.a.chius. Mr. Tristram Shandy has been led into this error, either from seeing Lithopaedus's name of late in a catalogue of learned writers in Dr..., or by mistaking Lithopaedus for Trinecavellius,-from the too great similitude of the names.) published by Adria.n.u.s Smelvgot, had found out, that the lax and pliable state of a child's head in parturition, the bones of the cranium having no sutures at that time, was such,-that by force of the woman's efforts, which, in strong labour-pains, was equal, upon an average, to the weight of 470 pounds avoirdupois acting perpendicularly upon it;-it so happened, that in 49 instances out of 50, the said head was compressed and moulded into the shape of an oblong conical piece of dough, such as a pastry-cook generally rolls up in order to make a pye of.-Good G.o.d! cried my father, what havock and destruction must this make in the infinitely fine and tender texture of the cerebellum!-Or if there is such a juice as Borri pretends-is it not enough to make the clearest liquid in the world both seculent and mothery?

But how great was his apprehension, when he farther understood, that this force acting upon the very vertex of the head, not only injured the brain itself, or cerebrum,-but that it necessarily squeezed and propelled the cerebrum towards the cerebellum, which was the immediate seat of the understanding!-Angels and ministers of grace defend us! cried my father,-can any soul withstand this shock?-No wonder the intellectual web is so rent and tattered as we see it; and that so many of our best heads are no better than a puzzled skein of silk,-all perplexity,-all confusion within-side.

But when my father read on, and was let into the secret, that when a child was turned topsy-turvy, which was easy for an operator to do, and was extracted by the feet;-that instead of the cerebrum being propelled towards the cerebellum, the cerebellum, on the contrary, was propelled simply towards the cerebrum, where it could do no manner of hurt:-By heavens! cried he, the world is in conspiracy to drive out what little wit G.o.d has given us,-and the professors of the obstetric art are listed into the same conspiracy.-What is it to me which end of my son comes foremost into the world, provided all goes right after, and his cerebellum escapes uncrushed?

It is the nature of an hypothesis, when once a man has conceived it, that it a.s.similates every thing to itself, as proper nourishment; and, from the first moment of your begetting it, it generally grows the stronger by every thing you see, hear, read, or understand. This is of great use.

When my father was gone with this about a month, there was scarce a phaenomenon of stupidity or of genius, which he could not readily solve by it;-it accounted for the eldest son being the greatest blockhead in the family.-Poor devil, he would say,-he made way for the capacity of his younger brothers.-It unriddled the observations of drivellers and monstrous heads,-shewing a priori, it could not be otherwise,-unless... I don't know what. It wonderfully explained and accounted for the ac.u.men of the Asiatic genius, and that sprightlier turn, and a more penetrating intuition of minds, in warmer climates; not from the loose and common-place solution of a clearer sky, and a more perpetual sunshine, &c.-which for aught he knew, might as well rarefy and dilute the faculties of the soul into nothing, by one extreme,-as they are condensed in colder climates by the other;-but he traced the affair up to its spring-head;-shewed that, in warmer climates, nature had laid a lighter tax upon the fairest parts of the creation;-their pleasures more;-the necessity of their pains less, insomuch that the pressure and resistance upon the vertex was so slight, that the whole organization of the cerebellum was preserved;-nay, he did not believe, in natural births, that so much as a single thread of the net-work was broke or displaced,-so that the soul might just act as she liked.

When my father had got so far,-what a blaze of light did the accounts of the Caesarian section, and of the towering geniuses who had come safe into the world by it, cast upon this hypothesis? Here you see, he would say, there was no injury done to the sensorium;-no pressure of the head against the pelvis;-no propulsion of the cerebrum towards the cerebellum, either by the os pubis on this side, or os c.o.xygis on that;-and pray, what were the happy consequences? Why, Sir, your Julius Caesar, who gave the operation a name;-and your Hermes Trismegistus, who was born so before ever the operation had a name;-your Scipio Africa.n.u.s; your Manlius Torquatus; our Edward the Sixth,-who, had he lived, would have done the same honour to the hypothesis:-These, and many more who figured high in the annals of fame,-all came side-way, Sir, into the world.

The incision of the abdomen and uterus ran for six weeks together in my father's head;-he had read, and was satisfied, that wounds in the epigastrium, and those in the matrix, were not mortal;-so that the belly of the mother might be opened extremely well to give a pa.s.sage to the child.-He mentioned the thing one afternoon to my mother,-merely as a matter of fact; but seeing her turn as pale as ashes at the very mention of it, as much as the operation flattered his hopes,-he thought it as well to say no more of it,-contenting himself with admiring,-what he thought was to no purpose to propose.

This was my father Mr. Shandy's hypothesis; concerning which I have only to add, that my brother Bobby did as great honour to it (whatever he did to the family) as any one of the great heroes we spoke of: For happening not only to be christened, as I told you, but to be born too, when my father was at Epsom,-being moreover my mother's first child,-coming into the world with his head foremost,-and turning out afterwards a lad of wonderful slow parts,-my father spelt all these together into his opinion: and as he had failed at one end,-he was determined to try the other.

This was not to be expected from one of the sisterhood, who are not easily to be put out of their way,-and was therefore one of my father's great reasons in favour of a man of science, whom he could better deal with.

Of all men in the world, Dr. Slop was the fittest for my father's purpose;-for though this new-invented forceps was the armour he had proved, and what he maintained to be the safest instrument of deliverance, yet, it seems, he had scattered a word or two in his book, in favour of the very thing which ran in my father's fancy;-tho' not with a view to the soul's good in extracting by the feet, as was my father's system,-but for reasons merely obstetrical.

This will account for the coalition betwixt my father and Dr. Slop, in the ensuing discourse, which went a little hard against my uncle Toby.-In what manner a plain man, with nothing but common sense, could bear up against two such allies in science,-is hard to conceive.-You may conjecture upon it, if you please,-and whilst your imagination is in motion, you may encourage it to go on, and discover by what causes and effects in nature it could come to pa.s.s, that my uncle Toby got his modesty by the wound he received upon his groin.-You may raise a system to account for the loss of my nose by marriage-articles,-and shew the world how it could happen, that I should have the misfortune to be called Tristram, in opposition to my father's hypothesis, and the wish of the whole family, G.o.dfathers and G.o.dmothers not excepted.-These, with fifty other points left yet unravelled, you may endeavour to solve if you have time;-but I tell you beforehand it will be in vain, for not the sage Alquise, the magician in Don Belianis of Greece, nor the no less famous Urganda, the sorceress his wife, (were they alive) could pretend to come within a league of the truth.

The reader will be content to wait for a full explanation of these matters till the next year,-when a series of things will be laid open which he little expects.

Chapter 1.XLV.

-'I wish, Dr. Slop,' quoth my uncle Toby, (repeating his wish for Dr. Slop a second time, and with a degree of more zeal and earnestness in his manner of wishing, than he had wished at first (Vide.))-'I wish, Dr. Slop,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'you had seen what prodigious armies we had in Flanders.'

My uncle Toby's wish did Dr. Slop a disservice which his heart never intended any man,-Sir, it confounded him-and thereby putting his ideas first into confusion, and then to flight, he could not rally them again for the soul of him.

In all disputes,-male or female,-whether for honour, for profit, or for love,-it makes no difference in the case;-nothing is more dangerous, Madam, than a wish coming sideways in this unexpected manner upon a man: the safest way in general to take off the force of the wish, is for the party wish'd at, instantly to get upon his legs-and wish the wisher something in return, of pretty near the same value,-so balancing the account upon the spot, you stand as you were-nay sometimes gain the advantage of the attack by it.

This will be fully ill.u.s.trated to the world in my chapter of wishes.-

Dr. Slop did not understand the nature of this defence;-he was puzzled with it, and it put an entire stop to the dispute for four minutes and a half;-five had been fatal to it:-my father saw the danger-the dispute was one of the most interesting disputes in the world, 'Whether the child of his prayers and endeavours should be born without a head or with one:'-he waited to the last moment, to allow Dr. Slop, in whose behalf the wish was made, his right of returning it; but perceiving, I say, that he was confounded, and continued looking with that perplexed vacuity of eye which puzzled souls generally stare with-first in my uncle Toby's face-then in his-then up-then down-then east-east and by east, and so on,-coasting it along by the plinth of the wainscot till he had got to the opposite point of the compa.s.s,-and that he had actually begun to count the bra.s.s nails upon the arm of his chair,-my father thought there was no time to be lost with my uncle Toby, so took up the discourse as follows.

Chapter 1.XLVI.

'-What prodigious armies you had in Flanders!'-

Brother Toby, replied my father, taking his wig from off his head with his right hand, and with his left pulling out a striped India handkerchief from his right coat pocket, in order to rub his head, as he argued the point with my uncle Toby.-

-Now, in this I think my father was much to blame; and I will give you my reasons for it.

Matters of no more seeming consequence in themselves than, 'Whether my father should have taken off his wig with his right hand or with his left,'-have divided the greatest kingdoms, and made the crowns of the monarchs who governed them, to totter upon their heads.-But need I tell you, Sir, that the circ.u.mstances with which every thing in this world is begirt, give every thing in this world its size and shape!-and by tightening it, or relaxing it, this way or that, make the thing to be, what it is-great-little-good-bad-indifferent or not indifferent, just as the case happens?

As my father's India handkerchief was in his right coat pocket, he should by no means have suffered his right hand to have got engaged: on the contrary, instead of taking off his wig with it, as he did, he ought to have committed that entirely to the left; and then, when the natural exigency my father was under of rubbing his head, called out for his handkerchief, he would have had nothing in the world to have done, but to have put his right hand into his right coat pocket and taken it out;-which he might have done without any violence, or the least ungraceful twist in any one tendon or muscle of his whole body.