The Life and Adventures of Maj. Roger Sherman Potter Part 2

CHAPTER V.

WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MAJOR FELL AMONG POLITICIANS AND OTHER NEW YORK VAGABONDS.

HAVING paused a few moments to moisten his lips, for the day was excessively warm, the Major spoke a few encouraging words to old Battle, and resumed his story.

"If wisdom becometh the great, money is not to be despised by the politician, I thought. So, having stocked my purse with not less than two hundred dollars, I arrived safely in New York and put up at the Astor House, an hotel in high favor with ex-secretaries and dilapidated politicians, inasmuch as the worthy landlord accepts the honor of their being guests of his house in satisfaction of his bills. It was night when I arrived, and the splendor and strangeness of everything around bewildered and confused me so much, that I forgot to put the prefix of 'Major' to my name, when I registered it in the big book. And this single omission had the effect of consigning me to an attic room in the ninth story. Having intimated an objection to this lofty position, the polite waiter said it was the most convenient room in the house, since, in case of a fire breaking out I could use the sky-light, and, having gained the roof, would be rescued by the firemen with their scaling ladders; whereas, a lower position would render me liable to be blockaded and devoured by the rush of flames. I told the polite waiter, who was a gifted Irishman, and though not four months in the country, had taken to politics like a rat to good cheese, that he was ent.i.tled to my thanks for the information. An intimation, however, that I was a Major of some renown, surprised the gifted Irishman not a little.

That he conveyed the news to my worthy host I had not a doubt, since on the following day I was removed to a s.p.a.cious room on the second story.

"On descending to the great supper room, I was accosted by one General John Fopp, of the Tippecanoe Club, who congratulated me on my safe arrival in the city. Being extremely easy in his manners, and apparently ready to render me services of no mean importance, I invited him to join me in a cup of tea, which invitation he was not slow to accept. Being much impressed with his dignity of manner, and the glibness with which he discoursed upon the events of the last campaign, I listened to him with profound respect. He said he would see that my name was duly chronicled in the newspapers, not a few of which he a.s.sured me he had full control over. In fine, nothing that could serve the interests of one who had made himself so famous during the late campaign was to be left undone. He knew every speech I had made by heart, as he said; and he had the name of every town I had been in at his fingers' ends. Indeed, so varied were his accomplishments, that I at once set him down for one of those great men, in the possession of whom New York is more fortunate than her sister cities, and of whose merits strangers, for divers reasons, have had occasion to speak with great confidence.

"When the newspapers had faithfully recorded my arrival and given an undoubted history of my doings in politics, I was to be introduced to the Collector and Postmaster, both of whom, though differing with me on great national questions, would receive me as became gentle- men. The Mayor, too, would receive me at the City Hall, in presence of the Common Council, and review the police, which body of men had become, under the new order of things, more devoted to beards and brandy than the good order of the city. He said I must be careful not to accept the invitations of councilmen to drink, for they were sure to saddle the payment upon their guest, to say nothing of their lately adopted art of making invitations a means of supplying their own wants in the article of liquor. And as drinking had become their most distinguishing characteristic, perhaps it would not be amiss to defend myself, he said, after the fashion of our smaller politicians, who, as a general thing, invited councilmen to confer with them at the bar, and left the settlement to be arranged between them and the host.

"On finishing our tea, the General was kind enough to say he would show me over the city. He could not, however, introduce me to the c.o.o.n-club that night, seeing that it had adjourned and gone on a frolic. Only too glad to accept the services of a companion so valuable, I joined him, and we were soon at the door of the Broadway Theater, where the General, to his great surprise, discovered that in the change of his vest that evening (he had foregone the pleasure of a very fashionable party in the Fifth Avenue to do me ample honor) he had omitted to replace his purse. I begged he would not mention it, drawing forth the required sum. With great apparent mortification he begged me to disburse the trifle and consider it all right in the morning. This I was only too glad to have the honor of doing.

"An highly colored melodrama, in four acts, one of which was laid in each of the four quarters of the globe, (and if there had been a fifth, the cunning author would have had an act for it,) was proceeding at a stormy pace, the princ.i.p.al character being personated by a gentleman of color, the audience, I thought, were trying to emulate in loudness of talking. My new companion seemed to have an extensive acquaintance, for he introduced me to no less than twenty judges of the Supreme Court, whose good opinion, he said, it was well to cultivate, and many other persons, not one of whom was less than a major-general of the Ninth Regiment, a corps somewhat celebrated for its courageous marching and counter-marching up Broadway. Of the etiquette that ruled among the military heroes of New York I knew but little; nor was I well acquainted with the accomplishments necessary to her judges: but it was impossible to suppress the thought, that if soliciting treats of strangers were regarded as a qualification, they could not be beaten, though the whole Union were put to the test. And so excessive were their duties in taking care of the Union, that their faces had a.s.sumed a deep purple color.

"Ascending several flights of stairs, we, by great exertion, reached what was called the 'third tier,' which lofty domain was, by the generosity of the manager, set apart for damsels whose modesty and circ.u.mspection would not permit of their occupying seats in the dress circle. I, however, noticed in them an audacity of manner that did not appertain to such artless beings as my companion would have me believe them. It struck me, too, that the toilet of these artless damsels was not what it should be. Indeed, there was an extravagance of color, and scantiness at both ends of their drapery, that both my mother and grandmother would have set down as in extremely bad taste. My companion soon cleared up this little matter, by informing me that the toilet of these artless damsels, so bright in color and scanty in places, was in strict keeping with the standard of fashion adopted by the very best society, which was to be more undressed than dressed, that the devil-who always wanted to look in-might see for himself.

"What there was lacking in drapery, to save my emotions, I might, my friend said, make up in the color of my imagination. They were all the daughters of rich bankers in Wall Street; hence no one had a right to interfere with their mode of dress. Stewart, at whose shrine of satins and silks ten thousand longing damsels worshiped, owed his fortune to their love of bright colors. And although he had filled two graveyards with ruined husbands, and was preparing a third for the great number of wives whose constancy he had crushed out with the high price of his laces, no one was simpleton enough to blame him. No matter how many sins of extravagant men he might have to answer for, the purchase of seven pews in Grace Church, and the good will of Brown, would secure his redemption. Stewart was a hero whose deeds should be recorded in history, and to whose memory a monument ought to be raised in every fashionable graveyard; and upon which it would be well to inscribe an epitaph written by Brown, the s.e.xton.

"My companion said he would (and he did) introduce me to several of these daughters of rich bankers, which was very kind of him. The unrestrained quality of their speech at first struck me as being a little curious, such indeed as I was not accustomed to; but I found them extremely easy to become acquainted with, and in nowise prudish. They did, however, keep up a suspicious intimacy with a brilliantly lighted, though not very fragrantly scented, saloon on the left. In this I was a.s.sured there was nothing improper, inasmuch as it was sanctioned by the customs of the best society in New York, and much frequented by the Mayor and Aldermen.

"One of the damsels, whose winning smiles excited the filaments of my heart with joy, condescended to express an enthusiastic admiration for my watch-chain, while another very modestly said she would owe me a lasting obligation if I would lend her my watch, that she might wear it at the Tammany Hall ball, to which she was invited by one of the managers. She pledged her honor, of which she seemed to have a large stock, to return it safe. As it was the first favor she had ever condescended to ask of a gentleman, she felt sure I could not deny a lady. Notwithstanding my respect for rich bankers and their daughters, I begged that she would excuse me in this instance, and charge to my poverty what might otherwise seem a want of generosity. She said she would sing to me, and be the light of my dreams; but even this failed to impress me with a due respect for her desires. With that penuriousness characteristic of bankers, their papas, it was clear, had not stocked their purses with change enough to cover their wants, which habitually ran to ice-water and something in it.

"It was clear they took me for a country b.u.mpkin instead of a great politician, and were inclined to make much of my excess of simplicity. Motioning my companion that it was time to be going, I expressed the great delight their company had afforded me, and took my leave, promising to pay them another visit at no very distant day. I now began to mistrust my companion, whose deportment did not seem to square with that which I had been accustomed to a.s.sociate with great generals. But he was tailored and barbared after the manner of gentlemen, and was likewise excessively smooth of tongue.

"On turning to depart, my companion reminded me that it was customary on such occasions for all distinguished persons to present each of the artless young ladies with a golden dollar, which they preserved as a fund, intending, when it became sufficiently large, to start a 'Journal of Civilization,' in which the literature of other lands was to be much improved for the benefit of this. The 'Journal of Civilization' was not to be considered a reflex of free brains, but rather as a reflex of free stealing, which was to be advocated at great length in its columns. Its general department would, my companion told me, be devoted to the histories of great historians, commencing with Jacob Abbot and ending with Peter Parley. Of its politics not much was to be said, seeing that they were written by my learned friend, Doctor Easley, author and compiler of 'The Polite Speech Maker,' and ought never to be taken as meaning what they said. Sharpeye and Scissors were to be honored with the post of general editors; and the musical department, which it was intended should be strong enough to drown all weak instruments, had been consigned to three magnificent harpers, who were capable of climbing a gamut of any number of notes. Neither had tuned their harps very extensively to home literature, the love they bore it being of the chastest kind; and though they were capable of conferring princely endowments upon it, they had turned a deaf ear to all its cries and distresses.

"Not seeing the enlarged benefits that were to flow from this Journal of Prospective Civilization, nor having any great faith in the quality of civilization stolen literature would confer upon a nation, I preferred to distinguish my generosity by a more national and less tricky example. This, I observed, did not give satisfaction to the damsels, who turned away with a look of contempt, and no doubt to this day entertain a very poor opinion of me.

"When we had reached the street my companion very modestly said there were not less than a thousand curious places a politician should visit before being qualified for taking a high position among his fellows. Many of these were established for the benefit of poor men in pursuit of fortunes, which it was absurd to think could not be got without a too strict adherence to truth and probity. First, he said, he would introduce me to the high priest of the Pewter Mug, which was the Star Chamber of Tammany, though many simple-minded people residing in the rural districts had mistaken it for the place in which Mr. Beecher, the reverend, wrote his celebrated star letters. No famous politician or statesman ever visited New York without scenting its pure atmosphere. And even Marcy himself, who, notwithstanding his grievous fault of quoting great authors, would be written down in history as a knight of diplomatists, had been heard to say (he was a frequenter of the Mug) that he owed the profoundness of his wisdom to the quality of the beverages there served. And as the first dawn of his generosity was supposed to have broken forth in this compliment to the accommodating high priest, it did him infinite credit in the future.

"A little reflection, however, produced a second thought. If I were as invulnerable as Virgil's witch, I could survive the process of initiation, for then I could enchant the faithful, who were politicians whose metal had been hardened in the furnaces of the custom-house, and had pa.s.sed enactments, which they enforced with great rigor, that no country-made politician should be admitted unless he could drink and stand sober under thirty-two brandy cobblers per day, and was able to treat each member to his daily ration of an equal number, for the s.p.a.ce of two weeks.

"Promising my companion that I would profit by his valuable hint, we turned into Duane Street, and, after groping our way up one of its wet and narrow alleys, halted at the cellar-door of a dilapidated little house that seemed to have been ignominiously crammed in between two dead walls and left for an owl roost. I was never wanting in courage, as my companions in Mexico can a.s.sert, but I confess that a sort of shaky sensation came over me just then. This was observed by my companion, who hoped I would not be alarmed, since the place we had arrived at was nothing more than the celebrated locofoco 'nest number three,' the members of which had their head quarters at Tammany Hall and the Irving House, and were very respectable men, and good working politicians. A less inquisitive man than a citizen of Cape Cod is acknowledged to be, could not have failed to discover the artifice. But my enthusiasm carried away my discretion; and, after descending six slippery steps, we came to a door upon which my companion gave two loud knocks, and placed his ear to the crevice. Mutterings, in a tongue very like the Tuscan, were interspersed with loud swearings, which were in turn diffused with curious whisperings. Another loud knock, and a peremptory demand from my companion, and the door was cautiously opened by a witchlike figure, the hideous face of which protruded apace, and then shrank quickly back, as if to present me a commentary of what I might expect within.

"'Rise, strike a light, and let the quality of metal you are made of be seen!' said my companion, as he stepped inside. The light of a tallow candle, in the hand of a half-shirtless figure, with bruised face and upright hair, discovered a cellar about twenty by sixteen feet, and seven high. The man of the shirt and candle, I took for the high priest of the locofoco nest number twenty-three, so nimbly did he mount a little counter at the further end, and set to arranging his bottles and gla.s.ses, thinking, no doubt, that he had caught a customer of extensive generosity. The atmosphere was thick and gloomy; nor was it rendered purer by the fourteen stalwart fellows who lay stretched at full length upon half-emptied whiskey barrels, and seemed much devoted to shattered garments, disfigured faces, and collapsed hats. 'Here,' my friend said, 'is your true working politician, who has no fear of the infernal regions, and never thinks of heaven.' At a word from him, they rose to their feet, though not without an effort, and having given their hats an extra tip, and thrust their hands into places where pockets ought to have been, and let drop a few words of discontent, like my learned friend Easley once said Calypso did, they seized tumblers and ranged up to the counter, forming a most striking panorama of dejected faces. 'I love and reverence these men,' said my companion, modestly suggesting that I must do myself the honor of paying for their medicine, 'since they were extremely useful in absorbing the refuse liquor made at our distilleries, and keeping up the respectability of the party to which they belong. Indeed, they are not the base fabric of the vision you might take them for; they are all pensioned members of the Empire Club, a very disorderly body of men, of whom it is said that no man can be elected President of the United States without first consulting their approbation.'

"They held their peace, and drank with great apparent experience. I did not dispute my companion's a.s.sertion, that they had rendered n.o.ble service during many a campaign, and were capable of rendering much more; still, my opinion of politicians in general was in no way heightened by their appearance. Being disappointed in their ends and aims at the last election, they now stood much in need of a trifle, with which to pay Bishop Hughes for praying a recently-deceased brother through purgatory, a service he never performed without feeling the money safe in his palm. All at once they set up a howl like midnight wolves, which so alarmed me that I hastened into the street, where my companion soon joined me, saying it was a way they had of expressing a joke. Not being accustomed to the ways of working politicians of the New York school, I made my way as fast as possible into Broadway, when, to my surprise, I discovered that my watch had parted company with me. My companion was equally surprised, offered me any number of regrets, and said he would go back and have every political vagabond arrested and locked up in the Tombs, where, if his acquaintance with the judge was not of too intimate a nature, the thief would be detected and punished in the morning.

"Pausing for a moment, a second thought, he said, satisfied him that to seek redress by so bold a course would not be good policy. The thief would have gone off with his booty, hence it would be better to remain quiet until morning, when, having come back to hold consultation with his fellows on some question of politics, as was customary with them, the services of a detective would do the rest.

Just as we were debating this subject a well-dressed man advanced toward us, and, stooping down, picked up a corpulent pocket-book, with the possession of which he seemed not at all easy. 'Friend,'

said the man, 'I am an honest Quaker, can'st thou tell me if thou art the owner of this, for I leave for my home in Albany in the morning, and want not to be burdened with it.' After an exchange of civilities that satisfied me he was a gentleman, I told him it was none of mine. He insisted however, that I take possession of it, and in the morning pursue measures to have it restored to its rightful owner." And what followed will be recorded in the next chapter.

CHAPTER VI.

WHAT BEFELL MAJOR RODGER POTTER, AND HOW HE FOUND HIMSELF OUTWITTED.

KNOWING how well modesty becomes greatness, I listened with profound attention to the major's story. Every now and then he would relieve my feelings by suggesting that the most interesting part of it was yet to come. We had now pursued our journey some fifteen miles under a burning sun, when we came to a running spring, beside which the major drew up his team, and, dismounting, proceeded to fill his bucket. Having drank of the limpid water from one of his tin cups, and placed the bucket before old Battle, whom he patted with great fondness, the major next proceeded to take care of his disconsolate chickens, which for the last three miles had been keeping up an opera of discordant sounds, to his great annoyance. Uncovering his coop, which he carried at the tail of his wagon, he set two tin cups of water before them, and scattered moistened meal at their feet, enjoining them to hold their peace in the future. And while in the act of doing this, he reminded me that great men were exalted by small things, and however bemeaning the nursing of chickens might be regarded in a military man, there was in it a n.o.bleness the great only could appreciate. The chickens, however, did not seem to appreciate his sacrifice of dignity, for they devoured their food with an increase of music. Having attended to the wants of his live stock, the major frisked round his wagon to see that his wares were all safe, and then commenced singing a song, as if a transport of joy had suddenly come over him. "I tell you what it is, my friend,"

said he, pausing in the middle of his tune, and drawing his favorite flask from his breast pocket, "the world 'll think none the less of us for traveling thus shabbily. There may be nothing courtly in the profession of tin-peddling, yet it is an honorable enterprise, and has its obstacles as well as other honorable enterprises." I besought him not to make himself uncomfortable on my account; that I was not yet so famous that I could not ride over the country on a tin-wagon, without feeling it a sacrifice of dignity.

We now sat down by the spring together, and proceeded to refresh ourselves with his crackers and cheese, to which I added a newly-baked pumpkin pie my mother, in the outpouring of her simplicity, had slipped into my haversack; and while regaling ourselves in this unpretending manner, the major, whose ardor was rather increased by the liquid he mixed with his water, resumed the recital of his first adventure in New York: "Being desirous of facilitating the Quaker's honesty, my companion, General Fopp, suggested an easy way of disposing of the matter. The pocket-book, he said, no doubt contained an enormous amount, which the unlucky owner would be anxious to regain as early as possible in the morning, and to that end would advertise in all the newspapers, offering a large reward to the lucky finder, as an inducement for him to preserve his honesty. The first step then would be to find a convenient place for counting the contents of the pocket-book, and considering the amount which could be properly offered the Quaker, as the reward of his honesty. So, after consulting within myself for some few minutes, I followed my companion and the Quaker into the back parlor of a cigar shop, where we carefully counted the great roll of notes, and found the amount to be exactly four thousand three hundred and twenty-two dollars, which nice little sum, together with papers of great value, showing the owner, one Henry Paterson, to be a man of large dealings in Wall-street, were entrusted to my care. My companion expressed his inability to trust himself with so large an amount of property, especially as the servants at his hotel were proverbially inclined to take liberties with other people's goods. At my request, he said he thought two hundred and fifty dollars would be a moderate consideration, since the owner would no doubt value the restoration of his property at twice that sum. I was not possessed of so large a sum; but being anxious not to wrong the Quaker, whose quiet demeanor completely won my confidence, I produced one hundred and fifty dollars, which he accepted, saying it was much more than he expected. My political companion said the air of contentment with which he accepted the reduced sum, was in every way becoming, and bespoke him a worthy gentleman. As a precaution I took a receipt for the amount, which Greely Hanniford (for such was the Quaker's name) signed, and took his departure. My companion said he would do himself the honor of calling upon me at eleven o'clock in the morning, an earlier hour being considered very unfashionable among military men. He would then, if necessary, bear testimony to the transaction. It was now twelve o'clock, and bearing me company as far as the Astor House steps, he exchanged civilities and took his departure, having first slipped a card into my hand, upon which was inscribed in neat letters, 'General Fopp, 32 Pleasant-side Row.' Pleasant-side Row being a mystery to me, I retired to bed thinking of my first night's adventure in our modern Babylon, and awoke early in the morning to regret that delay in the pursuit of my mission might cause grievous injury to the nation."

Again, we bridled old Battle, and proceeded slowly on, the sun being intense enough to dissolve both our brains, and the major cutting short the thread of his story by saying we would dine with Mrs.

Trotbridge, whose house we ought to reach by high noon.

"However, it was neither here nor there," the major resumed; "I knew that no military man of any distinction could escape the formalities and ceremonies it was necessary to go through before being regularly enstated into the good graces of New York society, and so gave myself up to the policy of making the best of it. I got up, and after making divers inquiries of waiters found straying along the confused labyrinth of pa.s.sages, got down stairs. My first business was to search in all the morning papers for the man of the lost treasure in my possession; I read them all only to be disappointed.

Nor had the companion of my adventure remembered to have my arrival, with becoming comments, put in all the papers, as he had pledged his honor to do, having, as he said, an unlimited control over them. I carefully consulted the columns of the Herald. And though I discovered in the editor a love for sharpening up his battle-axe, and making splinters of his fellows at least twice a week, not a gleam of light was thrown upon the man whose loss I felt it in my heart would be his ruin. I contemplated the wants and anxieties of those who sought to make them known therein, and smiled at the curious manner in which a thousand ambitious individuals expressed their readiness to supply the wants of others. I turned to the Tribune. But neither in the gravely-spun philosophy of its editorials, nor among the pearls of its advertis.e.m.e.nt columns, could I find a word to relieve my anxiety. The sages who are supposed by the knowing ones to jot things down in that very consistent inconsistent journal, had likewise forgotten to mention my name; which apparent neglect much discomposed my mind. I was, however, somewhat relieved by a friend, who informed me that it was in their true spirit. One of the waiters told me with an air of great wisdom, that the Tribune never took up military men except to set them down with bruises. This waiter was a gifted Irishman, and a great politician. During a sweet little touch of a rebellion, or a famine (which are about the same) in his country, he had read the Tribune twice a day to his wife, Biddy Regan, who expressed herself delighted at the forked lightning style it then kept up in defense of the rights of her fifty first cousins.

"Eleven o'clock arrived, but no General Fopp came. Anxious to relieve myself of the treasure, I approached the highly perfumed and somewhat rotund clerk, whose bows were worth at least a quarter eagle, and related the story of my adventure to him. The jewels his shirt was bedazzled with seemed to brighten, while his face radiated smiles, in which it was not difficult to read that he set me down for a simpleton. He took the pocket-book into his hand, and saluting me by my military t.i.tle, inquired how many banks my companion of the adventure proposed to start in Wall Street. Just then I remembered that the generous fellow did propose starting ten or so; and, in addition, that he pledged one half of Wall Street that, at no very distant day, I would be president of these United States.

"The clerk now smilingly counted the bills, all of which he p.r.o.nounced, to my utter astonishment, on banks that existed only in the mischievous imagination of some knight of the order of vagabonds, which ruled the city, moulding things to its liking, and had fortified itself in a castle of bra.s.s. I stood as if transfixed to the floor. My reputation, my money, my hopes of a foreign mission-all were gone. I expressed my regret that the man should have so little respect for his military reputation. The clerk, however, relieved me on that point, by stating that nothing in the world was easier than to be a general in New York, and that the individual who had gained a victory over me was no doubt one of that particular species of military heroes so numerously dispersed about all the street corners of Broadway, and who now and then find it good for their health and courage to take a trip to Europe, where t.i.tles command better attention. As for the Quaker, Greely Hanniford, he was no doubt a major of the General's division.

"I was anxious to keep this matter as quiet as possible, bearing the loss like a philosopher, and forming a resolution in my mind never again to be taken in by a New York general. I observed, however, that two bearded vagabonds (such at least I took them for) in hats of priests, came suspiciously up, for the discovery made some stir, and took down all that was said. And this was, by these malicious historians, (as the polite clerk informed me they were,) put in all the afternoon newspapers. I now began to think this was what the cunning rogue meant by saying he would have my arrival recorded, with proper comments; for indeed the comments were of a character that might have satisfied a major of much more renown. One sagacious fellow, after reciting what he was pleased to set down as my political history, and the political history of all my shoemaker ancestors, at whose honest calling he tipped a sneer, as is common with the learned men of our very republican press, expressed his regret that so sharp a politician should have been made the victim of an ordinary sharper, but thought it quite likely we had been visiting temples of the unclean together, such being the favorite resorts of politicians. Another equally sagacious fellow said, that the least harmless view he could take of the matter was, that the distinguished major had permitted his political enthusiasm to carry off his discretion, and had kept hours in the company of a stranger too late to find an excuse with respectable people. A third said, the whole affair looked very suspicious; and for the character of politicians, he hoped there was quite as much innocence in the major's story as he seemed anxious to have appear on its face; but he very much doubted if such honesty was a good recommendation to one in pursuit of a foreign mission."

CHAPTER VII.

IN WHICH IS RELATED HOW PLEASANTLY THE MAJOR TOOK HIS MISFORTUNES.

"AFTER these cunning scribblers had exhausted their ingenuity in moulding for me a character so scurvy, that the man who holds up buildings at street corners could not be got to pick it up, and had laid at my door charges that would have brought tears into the eyes of all my ancestors, they wheeled suddenly about, took back all they had said, threw glory at my feet, and, to the end of doing mankind a benefit, held me up as a model major. They were all ready to make me any number of promises, to render me any reasonable service, and to follow me to battle. Had I offered them a consideration, no doubt it would have been refused with splendid contempt.

"Mine host of the Astor, who was a shrewd fellow, thought the character of his house damaged, and must needs consult his honor, the Mayor. That high functionary, knowing the agility with which such heroes as Fopp exercised their heels, gave out no encouragement of catching the rascal. Had it been a scamp, who by his winning manners deceives inconsolable widows, seduces artless damsels, and otherwise exercises his skill in the art of fascinating females, his Honor had been after him with all the courage of his police force.

But as it was merely taking in a stranger, the matter, his Honor thought, had better be stopped, since the degree and quality of the crime was so like that known as 'sharp practice' in Wall street, that to punish one and let another go free would only be manifesting a strange disregard of equal justice. And the landlord was too shrewd a fellow not to know that to employ detectives, who were costly men to move, would entail an expense greater than the sum lost, without mending the damaged reputation of his house. I therefore contented myself with the satisfaction of having had my character restored to me by the newspapers.

"A different turn now came in my affairs, and finding it was only a harmless custom of the editors to make splinters of a great public man, I invited them to a sumptuous dinner, which they set upon with an appet.i.te equaled only by that displayed by them while devouring my character. But, on the whole, they were a jolly set of fellows -quite as jolly as one could desire. If they entertained a magnificent dislike for one another, it was to be set down to a spirit of commercial rivalry, which, though it might work out good in some instances, was of itself to be deplored, inasmuch as it had nothing in common with that generosity of soul which should rule universal among men of letters."

I found the dinner a specific antidote for a bruised character, for no sooner had my literary friends eaten it than they were ready to outdo one another in saying good things of me. One cunning fellow told his readers that the election of General Harrison was entirely owing to the wisdom I had distilled into the minds of the people of Cape Cod. And though I never had even scented the perfumery of war, another said that as a military man I had no superior. Concerning my mission, they were all sure no testimony they could bear would add one jot to my transcendent ability for representing the nation abroad. The government could not make so great a mistake as to overlook me.