The Life and Adventures of Maj. Roger Sherman Potter Part 13

Tall of figure, with a pale and long visage, which he prided himself resembled the visage of an equally great man, he advanced at a pace indicative of one who felt the grandeur of his position. The major was at first not a little surprised at the manner of his visitor; but being himself a dabster at great things, he soon recognized the quality of the new comer, and came forth to meet him in all his uniform, not even forgetting his three cornered hat, which he pa.s.sed with his left hand while making an unexceptionable bow.

Unembroidered greatness-yes, naked greatness, stripped of all falsehood and pretence, and such only as is worthy of governing an honest world, which it would generously do, but for the trifling inconvenience to itself, was here represented in these two great men-the Scylla and Charybdis of these wonderful times. The only perceptible difference in their prowess was, that the mayor stood at least a head and a half taller than the major. Both had begun making unexceptionable bows, when Alderman Dan Dooley, seeing the embarra.s.sment that might occur, came resolutely forward, (having first set down the bottle from which he had replenished Councilman Finnigan's gla.s.s,) and addressing the mayor, said, "Faith, then, I ask no greater enterprise than to serve yer 'onor, seein' how ye know the dacency one great man owes to another. By my faith, then, I'm deloighted to prisent ye to the gintleman we all mane to 'onor.

Faith, an' it's himself's before ye, Meiger Roger (stay! what the devil is it now?) I have it. Meiger Roger Jefferson Potter!"

"Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter!"

the major interrupted, with a deferential bow.

"Faith, an' the neame atween the two's no matter onyhow!" rejoined Mr. Alderman Dooley, who, having left the two great men to themselves, again took to the bottle, and continued serving himself and his friend with an experience in every way worthy of so great an alderman.

"Pray, sir," said Fernando, with a gracious smile, "take nothing amiss that our worthy friend says." And here he blushed, and seemed not a little mortified at the pranks of his favorite alderman, though they were natural enough to the condition he was in. "He means well," resumed the mayor, dryly, "and is an honest alderman, though given to drink at times. And now, since fortune has been so kind as to grant me the opportunity of paying my respects to one so worthy of admiration, let me congratulate you upon your safe arrival in the city. I have the power, and it will be my pleasure to see that the public acknowledgements you have merited are properly bestowed." The major here interrupted by reminding the mayor that he had, on the advice of a very good friend, declined all public ovations.

"As to that," continued Fernando, "fashion has made it necessary to say these little things; for a great man is never so great as when he seeks to avoid homage. And we are not always bound to say what we mean."

"As to my greatness, sir," replied the major, "I will leave that to others; for it is no trifling thing for a man who has done all he can for his country to be snuffed out by the envious pen of some rascally scribbler for the newspapers. Let us think well of ourselves, and leave the rest to our friends."

"Truly, major, you are of my way of thinking, for that is precisely what I do."

"And because you do, you have risen to your present proud position!"

interposed the major. "Being a military man, I would have you know that I am no flatterer, but a man who loves peace, and hates the devil and all his arrogant va.s.sals. Your fame, sir, has gone over the land; and as to your greatness, I bow to that, for I have heard many good men testify to it; and now that I see it with my own eyes, written all down the length of your person, no man shall speak ill of you-in my presence! And as you have embarked in great undertakings, may heaven grant you power to carry them to a successful issue."

"As what you have said concerns me much, accept my thanks; for it is the good opinion of men like yourself that pleases me. I have now many difficulties on hand, it is true; but when I have conquered, and shown myself superior to my enemies, I will lay up my sword, give my hand to the people, and my heart to enjoining heaven to grant me repose. The bent of my ambition, sir, would have no difficulty in finding its way but for those wonderful men, the editors, who lay a new born child at my door every day, and think it no harm to set the country by the ears, though they are glad enough when men of our stamp step in to conciliate matters."

They thus spent ten minutes in pleasant conversation, complimenting one another, evidently not a little pleased with themselves, and resolved not to leave the settling of their preeminent prowess to any one else. Indeed, the scene enacted between the mayor and the major would have become extremely affecting but for Alderman O'Toole, who, being a man of much understanding, proposed that they seal their friendship with a little brandy and water. Neither having any scruples in the matter, they filled their gla.s.ses with much pomp and circ.u.mstance. "And now, gentlemen," said Mr. Alderman O'Toole, "I propose the health of your honors together; for barring General Pierce, greater men never lived, as myself knows." They bowed and emptied their gla.s.ses to this toast, at which several of those present were not a little amused. The mayor, who was, with his many other traits of character, sufficiently versed in strategy to extricate himself from any snare, said he felt constrained to say a few words in return for the compliment, and was about making a speech on the spot. Happily a waiter entered at the moment, bearing in his hand a plate of cold chicken, which so excited Don Fernando's appet.i.te that he thought no more of his dignity, but seized upon the best meated leg, and holding it daintily between his fingers, and applying his teeth, never stopped until he had stripped it clean to the bone. And while engaged in this laudable enterprise, they were surprised by a band of musicians in the street, playing "Hail to the Chief." The night was dark, and on looking out of the window, it was discovered that the musicians were some twenty grim looking Germans, with very long beards and longer bra.s.s instruments, with which they seemed determined to perforate ten ragged newsboys, who, with the picture of rascality written on their mischievous faces, stood holding as many pitiful tallow candles almost under the noses of the windy fellows, whose eyes were on their notes. When the band ceased playing, the throng cheered and kept up a loud calling for the major, who, the mayor said, must go out and make a speech, for it would not do to offend them by keeping silent. He also deemed it prudent to caution the major against saying what he really thought.

In truth, he whispered in the major's ear that he must mind and strike the popular point; and when touching upon anything of great moment, be careful to so construct his sentences that they embody a double meaning. As to promises, he must be sure to make enough of them, only let it be on the principle that promises are always expected to take care of themselves. When the major had listened sufficiently to the admonitions of the mayor, he repaired to the balcony, where he was so surprised to find several ladies, dressed with great taste and splendor, that his modesty became much taxed, though they saluted him with becoming courtesy. The crowd outside, which was now rampant of disorder, recognized in the short, corpulent figure before them, with the red hair standing erect upon a turnip-like head, the man of their wish, whom they greeted with three deafening cheers. The major bowed and spread his hands, in the left of which he held the engrossing emblem of his dignity, his three cornered hat.

"Gentlemen!" said he, in a voice somewhat shaky, "I thank you for this great honor, which I may or may not have merited. You know it does not say much for a man that he speaks of himself; but this I will say, that the man who serves his country for his country is the man for me. If you, being people of high quality and much respect, (I never judge men from what they seem on the outside, not I!) shall give me your confidence, I warrant you shall see I am no unscrupulous politician!" Here the throng sent up a loud cheer, and tapered it off with three tigers. "Ah! that is what I like," resumed the major; "I always did like the music of the Democracy. It sounds as if it was the free offering of hearts innocent, and not given to retrieve." "Intrigue," whispered Don Fernando, correctively, as he stood close behind the major, evidently delighted at the good temper of those about him. "Exactly!" bowed the major, "intrigue was what I meant to say!" Affected either by the strangeness of the scene, or his anxiety for the welfare of his much valued animals, he continued in this incoherent strain for some minutes, but said not a word of his early whiggery, or the affair of the Yacht Club. Many of the persons outside now began to marvel at the strangeness of his speech, and to think him not so much of a politician after all. In truth, although he said much about our liberties, and was several times jeered with the question as to what he thought "about n.i.g.g.e.rs," not a few puzzled their brains to find out to what manner of politician he belonged. And as he concluded by enjoining them to be good fathers, dutiful husbands, and honest men, which three virtues were sure to secure the blessings of heaven, the puzzle became still greater. And yet the throng cheered vociferously. When, then, he had concluded, he wiped the perspiration from his brow, fritted his finger through his beard, and shook hands with several of the ladies, who still thought him a great man, in whose strange speech there was much those acquainted with the politics of the nation could perfectly understand.

Again the music ceased, and loud calls were made for Don Fernando, who always had an apology when invited to make a speech, and an excuse for making it on the second invitation, which he never failed to accept. In fine, I say it with no intention of satire, that Don Fernando never let an opportunity to make a speech slip through his fingers, though three invitations, as he held, were necessary to one speech. In truth, he regarded invitations as losing nothing in their pa.s.sage, when they concerned great men; for it was a rule with our best politicians to make reluctance a virtue.

After repeated calls, then, Don Fernando turned to address the mult.i.tude, and said in a speech of some twenty minutes, much that they had heard before, and expected to hear again. He cautioned them to look well to their liberties, though it were good to be careful how they were found breaking the peace and men's heads. I would mention here, that this singular admonition was induced by the presence of some six or seven of Don Fernando's old friends among the throng outside. And these worthy men commenced their favorite avocation with such shouts as-"Go it Fernando! Fernando and liberty!" And when they had thus deported themselves to their satisfaction, they took to demolishing the trombones of the players, as if such amus.e.m.e.nt was to their taste.

Don Fernando concluded his speech by saying, he saw in the persons present, the great and glorious elements of our expanding civilization. Kind providence just then sent a refreshing shower, as if in pity at the condition of the raiment his listeners were clad in. And this sent many to their homes; but the more patriotic had no fear of a shower, and seemed not inclined to leave until they had heard a speech from Mr. Alderman Dan Dooley, for whom they called loudly. These calls were seconded by persons on the balcony, who out of sheer derision, demanded his presence with so much earnestness as convinced the loquacious Dooley that history and his friends would not be content without a word from him on this great occasion. But Don Fernando well knew that the reporters, as was customary with them, would embellish that one word rather curiously, for they were kind to him, and invariably made him say all the witty things they could think of.

"Upon my word, Mr. Dooley," whispered Don Fernando, "the thing has ended well; and it strikes me we have had speeches enough for the evening."

"Faith!" exclaimed the Alderman, "I'm contint to lave them with the spaech of yir 'oner."

Mr. Dooley, if the truth must be told, was not in a condition to get off smooth sentences, though his deportment would have afforded much diversion. And as good speeches lost nothing by keeping, he resolved not to let his off just yet. And so completely was Don Fernando master of the Alderman, that he sauntered, or rather oscillated into a corner, and sat down.

The small hours of morning had well nigh come, when Don Fernando, without change in the dignity of his bearing, took his departure; expressing, as he left the door, the great pleasure it would give him to receive the major at the City Hall on the morrow. And when he was gone, the committee of reception thought no more of him, but drew their chairs round the major, and with divers friends of the same hue and circ.u.mstance, commenced showering upon him no end of compliments, declaring him to be the father of more political reforms than Jefferson and Washington ever dreamed of.

When their generosity had come sufficiently mellowed, and the landlord had declared his inability to furnish any more whiskey, and Mr. Councilman Finnigan began to see ghosts and murderers by the dozen, all of which he would have sworn were real, and set about thrashing with the gallantry of a true Irish gentleman, Mr. O'Toole proposed that the major become a citizen of New York, when he would wager any amount of money to make him next mayor of the city.

"I cannot say I would be equal to the duties, gentlemen, for I have never been mayor. My services, (except now and then,)"-here the major filled his gla.s.s-"have been for the army and politics, which I take it have nothing to do with setting a city to rights. If spitting an enemy, getting up a riot, and giving peace and comfort to them who have a taste for breaking heads, be things which a mayor must be an adept at, then you may trust me, gentlemen," said the major, giving his hand to Alderman Dooley in pledge of his faith.

Alderman Baggs, who was a man of much wind, and extremely fond of making speeches on these great occasions, though in this instance he had peaceably pursued his advances upon the bottle, and left the speeches to others, proposed that instead of mayor, which after all was no great affair of an office, he immediately set on foot a project for making the major President of the United States. The major, he said, had surely evinced ability enough.

"What you please-make what you please of me, gentlemen, for I am your servant, and the good servant is known by his work-that I know!

And if it is your will that I should be President, my highest ambition shall be to serve you to the best of my ability. This I may say, give me the power, as my wife, Polly Potter, used to say, and I will hang fillibusters to your satisfaction."

An alderman of the name of Billy Bristle, who was known to have a slight inclination for fillibustering, and had more than a score of times pledged the city to the measures of gentlemen that way inclined, having just looked in to pay his respects to the city's guest, rose quickly to his feet at hearing so bold a proposal to get rid of his friends, and declared his readiness to fight any gentleman who would say a word damaging to the character of the fillibusters. Alderman Dooley, between whom and Alderman Bristle, an old grudge had stood for some time unsettled, cast a frown upon the a.s.sertion, and declared that the language held was an implied insult, whereupon he measured with his stalwart arm the distance between his body and the Alderman's nose. This being the signal for a grand set to, which was had in right good earnest, the scene of confusion that followed no one need attempt to describe, unless he have the pen of a Balzac. Tumblers and broken chairs being the order of weapon most in use, and the major not being skilled in the use of such arms, lost no time in retreating to a dark closet, where, closely packed among sundry old clothes and house rubbish, he congratulated himself by saying: "Now, as I am a military man, and have no taste for this sort of fighting, I will look well to my head, and let them have the glory."

The landlord had paced his halls in great tribulation for some time, for he saw he had been grievously taken in, and that the damage to the reputation of his house would be four fold what he would get of the city for all his trouble. Seeing, then, his house in a state of confusion, and having fears for the good name of his patron saint, he rushed into the room, crying, "Gentlemen! gentlemen! pray leave my house, for though I see you are guardians of the city, you seem to have as little respect for the reputation of my house, which is my bread, as you have for the good order of the city. Pray get away from here, and what you have had shall be given for charity's sake."

Seeing they were not inclined to respect his admonition, he called a posse of policemen, and ordered them to clear his house of the miscreants; but they, seeing it was their own masters who were deporting themselves in this disorderly manner, merely shook their heads and walked away. In this dilemma, for the landlord saw he could not get of the police what he paid for, he called some two score of his own servants, who, having no respect for high officials who do not respect themselves, were not long in tumbling them into the street; and would have had Major Roger Sherman Potter following them, if he could have been found!

CHAPTER XXIX.

IN WHICH MAJOR ROGER POTTER IS FOUND ALMOST SUFFOCATED; AND HOW HE DECLARES THAT MEN OF LOWLY BIRTH BECOME DANGEROUS WHEN ELEVATED TO POWER.

THE writer of this history, remembering how his mother admonished him to be virtuous and prudent, retired quietly to bed before the pa.s.sions of the high functionaries had caused so violent an outbreak. And though his regard for the major's reputation was of the tenderest kind, he slept soundly, feeling sure that there was nothing in the list of misfortunes the major was incapable of overcoming. It was with no little surprise, then, that I was awoke by the landlord on the following morning, and told that Major Roger Potter was no where to be found. He regretted having such people in his house; but said it would shorten the account of his misfortunes, if he could but find the missing guest, for it was his custom to treat all men with courtesy.

On repairing to the parlor, which we did as speedily as possible, proof of what had taken place on the previous night lay strewn all over the floor. There, too, lay the major's three cornered hat, as if sitting in judgment upon a promiscuous heap of bottles. But this was the only vestige of the missing hero. At length a sort of murmuring sound was heard, as of some one in great distress. Seeing the landlord much perplexed, I listened with anxious attention, and soon discovered the sound to resemble very much that made by the major over the bruising given him by Captain Luke Snider. On approaching the closet door, it was found to be locked, and the landlord declared there was no s.p.a.ce for one so stout within its bounds. Deeming it prudent, however, the lock was turned, to the great delight and relief of the major, who came forth like an half roasted rhinoceros, heaved a sigh, and swore by no less than three saints, as soon as he gained the use of his tongue, that the fellow who turned the key on him was no friend.

"I am marvelously fond of retirement, I would have you know," he spoke, with an air of much concern, "but I choose not to sacrifice my life in this way, for it is a device of the devil, and those in league with him." He emerged from the rubbish half dead with fear, and continued for some minutes proclaiming the baseness and treachery of the act. Then clasping the landlord by the hand, he besought him to be his friend while he took revenge of the enemies who had played this trick upon him.

"Pray be comforted, sir, for these things are mere trifles, and a great man is never so great as when he forgets his misfortunes,"

said he, "and heaven knows it has all gone wrong with me. You, sir, have a position I lay no claim to."

"Ah!" replied the major, "it is because I have a position, and think of it, that aggravates my misery. And though I am ready to confess that I owe my deliverance to your wisdom and prudence, I begin to think that power is most to be feared when entrusted to men who have been brought up in servitude; for among their many accomplishments they do not include that which teacheth every man who would take care of the nation, to bear in mind, that he serves her best who thinks least of himself. A mule may bray, but it takes an a.s.s to be an a.s.s. I have been these twenty years, sir, serving my country; and I take to myself no little credit that I have served it as well as any of them, of which my secretary can bear testimony." Here the major turned to me for a word of approval. The landlord now put several questions to him concerning his adventures in Mexico and elsewhere, to all of which he gave such extraordinary answers, that he felt a.s.sured that whatever eccentricities he might be guilty of at times, he had at least a vigorous understanding, and was as great a man as had come that way for many a day. And so completely did the landlord, who appreciated genius of the highest order, when it did not conflict with his interests, fall in with all the major's crotchets, that he would have written sonnets in his praise, but for the danger of entering upon so hazardous an occupation. He now condoled him for having fallen into the hands of such political vagabonds as had brought disgrace upon his house, and who he swore would bring disgrace upon any house that had doors open to them.

After a moment of deep thought, the major turned to the landlord, and with great earnestness of manner, said: "Since, sir, I have suffered no loss, let us think no more of these little distresses, for they so discipline a man, that if he have a heart it must be made capable of overcoming those obstacles all great men find in their way. We both agree on this point, Mr. Landlord. And since that matter is settled, if you have no objection, I will join you at breakfast, where we will debate several little matters concerning my mission."

The landlord smiled, and expressed his delight at such an act of condescension, which was rare in so great a man.

The major then made a hasty toilet, and together they entered the western dining room, the size and splendor of which quite astonished him, for the walls were inlaid with mirrors from the ceiling to the floor, and reflected the guests and each object with which the table was set out, while the ceiling overhead was decorated with frescoes and stucco work tipped with gold. Observing many fine ladies present, the major, out of sheer respect to his military reputation, made them all one of his most courteous bows before taking a seat, at which they were not a little diverted.

The landlord being himself a politician of no mean order, asked the major what he thought would be the effect of the repeal of the Missouri Compromise.

"That, sir," replied the major, "depends entirely upon how the people take it. If they hold their peace, then there will be peace.

But if these humanity mongers, who would break the peace of the nation to get a new issue on the n.i.g.g.e.r question, get to kicking up a dust, then there will be no peace. It must certainly be confessed, that n.i.g.g.e.rs ought to thank heaven that they are as well off as they are; and those who say otherwise know not what they say. I also hold it an advantage in political economy, that we keep the lazy rascals where by selling them we can pocket the money when occasion requires."

The landlord was now satisfied that his guest was at least right on this all important question of "n.i.g.g.e.rs," though as many inferences might be drawn from his answer as from a speech of Senator Douglas respecting the territories.

Among other things, the major noticed that not a few of the ladies were deeply absorbed in reading the morning papers, and this so excited his curiosity that he must needs inquire of the landlord what it meant, when he was told that they contained an accurate account of what took place on the previous night, including his speech, which was so perfect a piece of composition, embracing so many subjects, and discovering a power to penetrate the designs of the enemy so truly wonderful, that not only his friends, but every lady at the table was commending him for it. "It is generous of them," returned the major, squinting across the table; "but I would have you know, I am a favorite with the ladies wherever I go, and being naturally tender hearted, I have known times when they would embrace me most affectionately. I say this between ourselves, for their fondness was beyond my expectation." Having ordered a copy of the Herald, (a journal which had for many years furnished the major his political, philosophical, and diversional reading,) he there found not only that he had made a speech of rare eloquence, but one of the most delightful as well as minute biographies of himself ever written. In truth, he was there made the hero of so many exploits as to make this history entirely unnecessary. I ought to mention, however, that the sagacious reporters were cautious not to mention the affair which caused the polite landlord to eject the high officials from his house. This gave an additional charm to the whole concern, and so elated the major as to entirely take away his appet.i.te. Indeed, he resolved from that moment, let whatever come, to travel no farther without a reporter of his own. They made the very best sort of speeches, and could make and unmake great men with a facility truly astonishing, usually laying the greatest stress upon the smallest things.

When breakfast was over, the landlord drew the major aside, and requested as a favor that he would listen to what he said.

"Understand me, sir," he said, with a look of concern, "you are welcome in my house, but I fear there are difficulties creeping in that may lessen our friendship if left unexplained. I see you are a man of great mental power, a stranger, and a gentleman, therefore you cannot be expected to know the great distress our aldermen, who are much given to ceremonies of this sort, have brought upon several honest men. You see, sir, how fond they are of the bottle, and as there are only two hundred dollars set apart for the bill at my house, which will not square last night's bill at the bar, pray give them a hint, for their generosity knows no bounds at times; and if I present a bill somewhat over the mark, I am laughed at, and set down for a confirmed fool."

"I see you are an honest man," replied the major, "and it is a pity your house should be damaged by persons who have not the fear of bills before their eyes, though they have the gold of the city at their command. But, sir, let your thoughts incline the most favorable way, for I have some two hundred dollars of my own, as well as a horse and pig of such rare qualities that I already begin to see the fortune they will bring to me." The major now continued giving such a wonderful account of his animals as excited the landlord's curiosity, and made him express a desire to see them. And as nothing so pleased the major as to show his animals to every new acquaintance, he doffed his uniform, and putting on his suit of Uxbridge satinet, which rather increased the rotundity of his figure, sallied forth to the stable, and there found old Battle quietly eating hay in the stalls, and the pig fast locked up in his cage. A groom led the limping animal out, and as he hobbled along the floor, a perfect Bucephalus in the major's eyes, the landlord could not comprehend how so sensible a gentleman could become so infatuated with a horse that was as lean as a lantern, unless he be a knave. But notwithstanding the miserable plight he was in, he soon began to raise his head and tail, evidently out of regard at seeing his master, and gave out such other signs of what there was in him, as convinced the landlord he was a horse of some metal, though he would not bring an eagle in the market. And here the major commenced to give an account of the many adventures he had performed with this n.o.ble animal, when the landlord interposed by saying, "I admire your enthusiasm, major, but as I have no love for practical jokes, you may put your frame in the stalls, for he will need all the care you can bestow upon him."