The Legend of Ulenspiegel Volume I Part 30

"You would be full happy," said he, "master a.s.s, dining like this on fine fat thistles, if no one came to disturb you in your comfort and remind you that you are mortal, that is to say, born to endure every kind of hardship."

"Even like thee," he went on, gripping him with his legs, "even like thyself He of the Holy Slipper hath his gadfly, 'tis Master Luther; and his High Majesty King Charles hath his also, that is Messire Francois first of the name, the King with the long nose and the still longer sword. It is then permissible for me, a poor little fellow wandering like a Jew, to have my gadfly, too, master donkey. Alas, all my pockets have holes, and through the holes away go gadding all my lovely ducats, florins, and daelders, like a legion of mice scattering to flight before the jaws of a cat. I know not why money will have naught to do with me, me who so greatly desire money. Fortune is no woman, whatever they say, for she loveth but the scurvy miser loons that coffer her up, pouch her up, lock her up under twenty keys, and never allow her to show as much as the tip of her little golden nose at the window. That is the gadfly that devours me and stings me, and tickles me but not to make me laugh. You are not listening to me, master donkey, and you are thinking of nothing but your grazing. Ah! belly worshipper, filling thy belly, thy long ears are deaf to the cry of an empty stomach. Listen to me, I want you to."

And he lashed him bitterly. The a.s.s began to bray.

"Let us come away now that you have sung your song," said Ulenspiegel.

But the donkey would not budge any more than a stone post, and seemed to have resolved to eat to the last one every thistle along the way. And there was no lack of them.

Ulenspiegel, perceiving this, he dismounted, cut a bunch of thistles, got up on his donkey again, held the bunch under his muzzle, and led him by the nose as far as the territories of the Landgrave of Hesse.

"Master donkey," said he, as they went on their way, "you run nimbly behind my bunch of thistles, a thin diet and poor, and leave behind you the fine highway all thick beset with these dainty plants. Even so do men, smelling some after the bouquet of glory that Fortune holds under their noses, others after the nosegay of gain, others the nosegay of love. At the end of the road they perceive like you that they have pursued that which is but little, and have left behind them that which is somewhat, that is to say, health, work, rest, and comfort in their homes."

So conversing with his a.s.s, Ulenspiegel came before the landgrave's palace.

Two captains of musketeers were playing dice on the stair.

One of them, red headed and of giant size, caught sight of Ulenspiegel modestly sitting upon Jef and watching their play.

"What do you want with us," said he, "hungry pilgrim-face?"

"I am exceedingly hungry, in very deed," said Ulenspiegel, "and am pilgrimaging against my will."

"If you are hungry," rejoined the captain, "eat with your neck the rope that swings from the nearest gallows destined for vagabonds."

"Messire captain," replied Ulenspiegel, "if you were to give me that fine gold cord you wear on your hat, I should go and hang myself with my teeth to that fat ham that swings yonder at the cook shop."

"Where do you come from?" asked the captain.

"From Flanders," replied Ulenspiegel.

"What would you?"

"Show His Highness the Landgrave a painting after my fashion."

"If you are a painter and out of Flanders," said the captain, "come within, and I will bring you to my master."

Being come before the landgrave, Ulenspiegel saluted him three times and more.

"May Your Highness," said he, "deign to excuse my impertinence in daring to come to lay at your n.o.ble feet a painting I made for you, wherein I had the honour to pourtray Madame the Virgin in imperial array."

"This painting," he went on, "may perhaps be to your liking, and in that case I vaunt myself sufficiently of my skill to hope to raise myself to that fine chair of crimson velvet wherein, during his life, the ever to be lamented painter of Your Magnanimity had place."

The landgrave having contemplated the picture, which was a beautiful one:

"Thou shalt be our painter," said he, "take thy seat in the chair."

And gaily he kissed him on both cheeks. Ulenspiegel sat down.

"Thou art full ragged," said the landgrave, scrutinizing him.

Ulenspiegel replied:

"In very truth, Monseigneur, Jef, the which is my a.s.s, dined upon thistles, but I, for three days, I have lived only on want and fed only upon the savour of hope."

"Thou shalt sup presently on better meat," replied the landgrave, "but where is thy a.s.s?"

Ulenspiegel answered:

"I left him on the Great Marketplace, over against the palace of Your Goodness; I should be glad indeed if Jef had shelter and litter and fodder for the night."

The landgrave gave instant command to one of his pages to treat Ulenspiegel's a.s.s like one of his own.

Soon came the hour of the supper, that was as a revel and a feast. And the meats gave up a n.o.ble savour and the wines rained down their throats.

Ulenspiegel and the landgrave being both fire red like live coals, Ulenspiegel became gay, but the landgrave remained pensive.

"Our painter," said he, suddenly, "thou must paint my portrait, for it is a great satisfaction to a mortal prince to bequeath to his descendants the memory of his countenance."

"Sire Landgrave," said Ulenspiegel, "your pleasure is my will, but it seems to my poor self that pourtrayed alone by yourself Your Lordship will have no great joy in ages to come. You must be accompanied by your n.o.ble wife, Madame the Landgravine, and your ladies and lords, your most warlike captains and officers, in the midst of whom Monseigneur and Madame will shine like two suns surrounded by lanterns."

"True indeed, our painter," replied the landgrave, "and what should I have to pay thee for this great work?"

"One hundred florins, in advance or otherwise," answered Ulenspiegel.

"Here they are in advance," said the landgrave.

"Kind and good lord," replied Ulenspiegel, "you put oil in my lamp, it shall burn in your honour."

The next day he asked the landgrave to cause to pa.s.s before him all those for whom he reserved the honour of figuring in the portraiture.

Came then the Duke of Lunebourg, the commander of the lansquenets in the landgrave's service. This was a big heavy man, carrying with difficulty his paunch swollen with victuals. He drew near Ulenspiegel and whispered a word in his ear:

"If you do not, in making my portrait, take away half my fat, I shall have you hanged by my troopers."

The duke pa.s.sed on.

And then a n.o.ble lady, the which had a hump on her back and a bosom as flat as the blade of an executioner's glaive:

"Messire painter," said she, "if you do not give me two humps for the one that you shall take away, and do not put them in front, I shall have you quartered as a poisoner."

The lady pa.s.sed on.

Then came a young maid of honour, fair, fresh, and pretty, but who lacked three teeth under her upper lip.

"Messire painter," she said, "if you do not make me laugh and show thirty-two teeth, I shall have you cut to pieces by my lover, who is over there."

And pointing out the captain of musketeers who had before been playing dice on the palace stairway, she pa.s.sed on.