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ch 2 I Won't Forgive You
“It is,” Bala said firmly.
“Why?!” Xu Yi shouted loudly. The whole bar heard, and some boys came over.
“Why?!” Xu Yi continued to shout. He grabbed Bala by her collar, shaking her, and said, “I’m telling you, I won’t forgive you. I won’t forgive you!”
Bala must have felt dizzy from all the shaking, but her face remained expressionless.
Xu Yi was quickly pulled away. Before I could take in what was happening, he’d already been hit to the ground and held down. Countless fists fell onto him.
I couldn’t hear anything else.
I shouted out, “Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!” I rushed past, and Bala couldn’t hold me back in time. I crazily ran into the group of people, wanting to use my body to block Xu Yi. A beer bottle hit my head.
Blood, red blood.
Again, I couldn’t hear anything else.
When I woke up, I realized that I was lying in Bala’s bed.
Bala was holding a cat, a very fat one. With a long, dangling white tail, it sat calmly in Bala’s arms. Its green eyes were shining brightly, but its face looked like it wanted to eat.
Bala hugged the cat, and said to me tenderly, “Thank goodness you’re okay.”
“What about Xu Yi?” I suddenly remembered.
“He’s fine,” Bala said. “I already helped you wrap up your head wound, but what are you going to say when you get home?”
I didn’t say anything.
“You can stay here for awhile,” she said.
I crawled over and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw a hateful white gauze wrapped on my head. Using my strength, I pulled it off. This hurt a lot. Bala screamed, “What are you doing?”
I said to Bala, “I need to use the bathroom.”
Bala extended her hand to point the way.
Enduring the pain, I went to the bathroom and washed the traces of blood out of my hair. Then I combed it. I ran outside to ask, “Bala, do you have any suitable hats?”
Bala had many hats, but I tried on about ten before I found one to wear. It was a little red hat. Bala said her niece left it before.
Bala sent me home, taking me all the way to the noodle shop. She said to me, “Little Ear, you’re braver than me. I need to learn from you.”
“That child…” I asked her.
She patted her tummy mysteriously, and said, “Don’t worry. I will have it.”
I covered my mouth.
“Maybe it will hurt a bit, but it will be worth it.”
“Your mom doesn’t care?” I asked her.
Bala slanted her mouth, “She wouldn’t be able to do anything even if she did care.”
“Don’t be so willful. Bala,” I said. “What good will come from this?”
Bala looked at me.
“Bala, please don’t be like this. I know, you don’t want it to be like this either.” When I finished speaking, I turned around and strode away.
When I turned back, I saw Bala standing there, motionless. She saw I’d turned back, and blew me a kiss. Then she turned away and left.
Wearing the little red hat, I walked strangely back home. My mom looked at me oddly. I was rubbing my face as I walked toward my room. “It was very cold today, so I bought a hat. It feels much better now.”
Those days, I had a very strange thought.
I suddenly wanted to become bad.
I felt very stuffy. I was obsessed with the idea that, if I became bad, I would become free.
I made a long post of unintelligible words on my blog. When I finished, I wanted someone to read it, so I sent a link to Bala. She responded very quickly, “Little Ear doesn’t seem very happy. Why don’t you come to ‘Forget It’ and listen to me sing?”
“I can’t,” I said. “But I’m going to read by the river in the afternoon.”
That afternoon, I sat on a bench by the river, holding my book and pretending to read. Bala finally showed up, wearing a long, fringed skirt, carrying a rose-red bag. With an exaggerated pace, she dragged herself over. With bright eyes looking at me, she asked, “Do you really want to become a bad girl?”
I grumbled and nodded.
Bala patted my head.
“You want to die?” Bala said. “Thinking about nonsense all day.”
Bala laughed, and said, “Little Ear, promise me something.”
“What?”
“When my son is born, you will be his G.o.dmother. So you cannot become bad. He has to have one good mother. That way, he won’t lose to anyone else!”
“What are you saying?” I pushed her and said, “Let’s go.”
“Where to?”
“The hospital!”
“Let go!”
“No!” I said. “You have to go to the hospital. You have to!”
Bala pushed me away and fell onto the bench. With a smile, she said to me, “Listen, Little Ear. Even if the entire world wants to kill this child, I will still give birth to him. Nothing will change that, unless I die.”
I was frightened by her smile. After a long while, I said, “Bala, what exactly are you doing this for?”
Bala rested her chin on the bench and spoke leisurely, “You wouldn’t understand. Just like you’ll never become a bad kid. Little Ear, everyone’s fate is set on the day that they are born. You are a good girl, so just live like a good girl. Got it?”
I didn’t leave the house again during the winter break.
On the first day of the new school term, I ran into Xu Yi at the school’s front gate. He extended a long arm to stop me in my path.
There were a lot of girls around who looked at me.
My face turned red.
Xu Yi said, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I said, in a thin voice, like a mosquito.
“Why did you help me? Were you the one who called me that day?” he asked.
I looked up, fl.u.s.tered.
“Do you like me?” Xu Yi asked again.
I took a deep breath and ran past him, to the cla.s.sroom.
I don’t know why, but I felt like I was going to die. My little heart that had been operated on wasn’t carrying a heavy load anymore. I was in a confused state, and a week of cla.s.s pa.s.sed by. Xu Yi came on Sat.u.r.day. I was so sleepy, I didn’t realize he was there at first. I was drinking a cup of instant coffee in the cla.s.sroom, and lifted my cup too quickly. A few drops of coffee fell onto my red, wool scarf. My seat was near the window, and when I looked ahead, I saw Xu Yi. He suddenly extended his hand and, with his finger, motioned for me to come outside. My heart started to throb for some reason. I subconsciously left behind my cup and rushed outside the cla.s.sroom.
He didn’t look at me, and just kept walking ahead. My pace alternated between fast and slow, a bit like an idiot. I didn’t know where he was leading me to. It was a Sat.u.r.day afternoon, and all the teachers were in some ridiculous meeting. What was supposed to be a self-study day became a day off, and there weren’t many people in school. It was another d.a.m.n day of snow, so dusk felt like night. He led me past the playground and lab building. Snow fell onto his short hair and his broad shoulders. My heart was rising and falling in pain. I turned my head to the side and shouted, “Where exactly are you taking me!”
Suddenly, he stopped and turned around. I subconsciously took a step back, my foot going into the thick snow with a light crunch. We were on a small path in the schoolyard. The doors to the bathroom building were closed, the top covered with blue paint. The stairwell to the side was empty. Xu Yi pulled me into there. I was a bit frightened then. We were separated by about two meters of s.p.a.ce. I leaned against the wall, biting my lower lip, and looked at him. He wore a grey coat, with ice crystals and snowflakes on his shoulders. The hair on his forehead was a bit wet. Oh Xu Yi… Once, Bala’s Xu Yi, with the face of an angel. He was still so handsome.
I sadly crouched down. Then I noticed the coffee on my scarf, so I reached out my sleeve to wipe it off.
“I know that you like me.”
“I don’t.”
“Were you the one who wrote me a letter every day?”
“No!”
“Look at me.”
I didn’t dare. I stayed crouching, shaking.
He pulled my up by my left arm, scaring me, so I let out a soft scream.
“Don’t expect me to like you,” Xu Yi said.
“You put on an innocent appearance, but don’t think that I don’t know. You’re part of Bala’s group. You guys haven’t had enough, is that it? If you haven’t, I’ll keep playing with you!”
A boy had never been so mean to me. I couldn’t get away from his grip, and tears started falling.
Xu Yi looked at me, and he seemed very angry. I thought he was going to hit me. I closed my eyes, when I felt him get pushed away. I opened my eyes and saw Youta. With blood-red eyes, Youta blocked Xu Yi. With a gruff voice, he said to me, “Get back to the cla.s.sroom.”
Xu Yi looked at him in surprise.
I turned around and walked back into the snow. There were a lot of ice pieces on the ground, and I was worried that they’d go into my old running shoes. That would be so cold. I really was an idiot. My face was freezing cold. I reached my hand into a pocket inside my jacket and pulled out a tissue. Because my clothes were really thick, it was really hard to pull out. But I was set on pulling it out. So, with this strange posture, I strode past the lab building and the playground, walking into the cla.s.sroom. No one chased after me. Big teardrops rolled down my face, but I didn’t turn back.
When dusk fell, Xu Yi’s mom, my aunt, and my mom were all called to the princ.i.p.al’s office.
When Mom came out, she said one thing to me, “Li Er, you’ve disappointed me.”
She grabbed my clothes and said, “Tell me, how did this happen? How did you get involved with that [girl] bully. You really must want to stop living!”
“Don’t blame her,” Youta came to my defense.
Mom turned her attention to him. “I haven’t scolded you yet. You too, going around fighting with people. It’s time for the college entrance exams. If you get punished because of this, see what will happen.”
When I looked up, I saw Bala. She wasn’t wearing any makeup at all today, and she had on very simple clothes. Standing in front, she looked at me with an expression that’s hard to describe.
As we pa.s.sed by her, I didn’t dare greet her. Just as I was hating myself for my cowardice, Bala called out to me. But she didn’t call me Little Ear. Instead, she said, “Li Er, wait.”
Everyone stopped walking and looked at her warily.
“I know about everything,” she said. “I’m here to prove that none of this has anything to do with you. If there’s a problem, it’s all my, Bala’s, fault.”
“Get lost!” Youta called out fiercely.
“I’ll go,” Bala said coldly. “Just so long as Li Er is okay.”
“Of course she’ll be okay. As long as you stay away from her, she’ll be totally fine!”
“Youta!” I yelled. “Don’t talk to Bala like that!”
“Why not?” he asked. “She hasn’t caused you enough harm yet?”
“Because she’s my friend!” I said. “She’s my good friend, and I won’t let you talk to her that way! Never!”
Youta took a few steps back, angrily. Mom and Aunt’s face both fell open. The world grew still. I couldn’t hear anything else. I just saw Bala’s lips crack into a grin. A dazzling glory shone from her face. She looked at me, eyes shining clearly.
And then I heard Bala say softly, “Little Ear, I really didn’t pick the wrong person.”
The sun this spring seems especially bright. Soft, golden streams flowed down from the green leaves, and the flowers bloomed without a sound. Monday is my least favorite day. I haven’t had a good rest yet, but all the business is going to start up again. I didn’t care for it at all. That day, after morning exercises, I was walking through the playground alone. I thought of going to the canteen to buy some instant coffee, when a strange guy suddenly got in my way. In a panic, he asked me, “Are you Li Er?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Please take this call.” He pulled out a phone from his pant pocket.
“Who’s calling?” I asked.
“Just answer it.” The boy put the phone into my hands. “It’s connecting, hurry and answer it.”
Hesitantly, I held up the phone next to my ear. And then I heard Bala gasping. It was only breathing, but I just felt that it was Bala.
I called out, “Bala!”
“Little Ear, is it you?”
“It’s me, Bala.” My heart felt very anxious, and I couldn’t say anything more.
“Good, [he] found you,” Bala said, hoa.r.s.ely. “I really need to tell you, thank you. Thank you for lending me your umbrella. Thank you for saving me last time. Thank you for helping my apply medicine. Thank you for publicly admitting that you’re my friend. You don’t know how thankful I am to you…”
Bala’s voice was getting weaker. I didn’t know if it was my ear having problems. In my panic, I then heard the phone cut off. From the other end came endless beeping.
The boy reached out his hand and s.n.a.t.c.hed back the phone. He turned around and ran.
I finally came to and started chasing him. I couldn’t catch up to him, and could only see him run into the Year 3-1 cla.s.sroom. I didn’t hesitate to follow him in. But the bell sounded, and the students started flocking into the cla.s.sroom. Their math teacher was standing in the doorway with his lesson plan.
I was also at the door now.
A meddling girl looked through the window and asked me, “Who are you looking for?”
I didn’t speak. My eyes were searching the full cla.s.sroom for that boy. Just then a piece of paper flew out from the cla.s.sroom. It said, “Bala’s in the hospital, something’s happened.”
I’m a bad girl. I think it was that way since the day I was born.
They said I was detestable when I was born, crying for three days and three nights. From morning ’til night, and night ’til morning, without stop. It seemed as if it were a big protest to being born into this world.
Like this:
“It is,” Bala said firmly.
“Why?!” Xu Yi shouted loudly. The whole bar heard, and some boys came over.
“Why?!” Xu Yi continued to shout. He grabbed Bala by her collar, shaking her, and said, “I’m telling you, I won’t forgive you. I won’t forgive you!”
Bala must have felt dizzy from all the shaking, but her face remained expressionless.
Xu Yi was quickly pulled away. Before I could take in what was happening, he’d already been hit to the ground and held down. Countless fists fell onto him.
I couldn’t hear anything else.
I shouted out, “Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!” I rushed past, and Bala couldn’t hold me back in time. I crazily ran into the group of people, wanting to use my body to block Xu Yi. A beer bottle hit my head.
Blood, red blood.
Again, I couldn’t hear anything else.
When I woke up, I realized that I was lying in Bala’s bed.
Bala was holding a cat, a very fat one. With a long, dangling white tail, it sat calmly in Bala’s arms. Its green eyes were shining brightly, but its face looked like it wanted to eat.
Bala hugged the cat, and said to me tenderly, “Thank goodness you’re okay.”
“What about Xu Yi?” I suddenly remembered.
“He’s fine,” Bala said. “I already helped you wrap up your head wound, but what are you going to say when you get home?”
I didn’t say anything.
“You can stay here for awhile,” she said.
I crawled over and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw a hateful white gauze wrapped on my head. Using my strength, I pulled it off. This hurt a lot. Bala screamed, “What are you doing?”
I said to Bala, “I need to use the bathroom.”
Bala extended her hand to point the way.
Enduring the pain, I went to the bathroom and washed the traces of blood out of my hair. Then I combed it. I ran outside to ask, “Bala, do you have any suitable hats?”
Bala had many hats, but I tried on about ten before I found one to wear. It was a little red hat. Bala said her niece left it before.
Bala sent me home, taking me all the way to the noodle shop. She said to me, “Little Ear, you’re braver than me. I need to learn from you.”
“That child…” I asked her.
She patted her tummy mysteriously, and said, “Don’t worry. I will have it.”
I covered my mouth.
“Maybe it will hurt a bit, but it will be worth it.”
“Your mom doesn’t care?” I asked her.
Bala slanted her mouth, “She wouldn’t be able to do anything even if she did care.”
“Don’t be so willful. Bala,” I said. “What good will come from this?”
Bala looked at me.
“Bala, please don’t be like this. I know, you don’t want it to be like this either.” When I finished speaking, I turned around and strode away.
When I turned back, I saw Bala standing there, motionless. She saw I’d turned back, and blew me a kiss. Then she turned away and left.
Wearing the little red hat, I walked strangely back home. My mom looked at me oddly. I was rubbing my face as I walked toward my room. “It was very cold today, so I bought a hat. It feels much better now.”
Those days, I had a very strange thought.
I suddenly wanted to become bad.
I felt very stuffy. I was obsessed with the idea that, if I became bad, I would become free.
I made a long post of unintelligible words on my blog. When I finished, I wanted someone to read it, so I sent a link to Bala. She responded very quickly, “Little Ear doesn’t seem very happy. Why don’t you come to ‘Forget It’ and listen to me sing?”
“I can’t,” I said. “But I’m going to read by the river in the afternoon.”
That afternoon, I sat on a bench by the river, holding my book and pretending to read. Bala finally showed up, wearing a long, fringed skirt, carrying a rose-red bag. With an exaggerated pace, she dragged herself over. With bright eyes looking at me, she asked, “Do you really want to become a bad girl?”
I grumbled and nodded.
Bala patted my head.
“You want to die?” Bala said. “Thinking about nonsense all day.”
Bala laughed, and said, “Little Ear, promise me something.”
“What?”
“When my son is born, you will be his G.o.dmother. So you cannot become bad. He has to have one good mother. That way, he won’t lose to anyone else!”
“What are you saying?” I pushed her and said, “Let’s go.”
“Where to?”
“The hospital!”
“Let go!”
“No!” I said. “You have to go to the hospital. You have to!”
Bala pushed me away and fell onto the bench. With a smile, she said to me, “Listen, Little Ear. Even if the entire world wants to kill this child, I will still give birth to him. Nothing will change that, unless I die.”
I was frightened by her smile. After a long while, I said, “Bala, what exactly are you doing this for?”
Bala rested her chin on the bench and spoke leisurely, “You wouldn’t understand. Just like you’ll never become a bad kid. Little Ear, everyone’s fate is set on the day that they are born. You are a good girl, so just live like a good girl. Got it?”
I didn’t leave the house again during the winter break.
On the first day of the new school term, I ran into Xu Yi at the school’s front gate. He extended a long arm to stop me in my path.
There were a lot of girls around who looked at me.
My face turned red.
Xu Yi said, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I said, in a thin voice, like a mosquito.
“Why did you help me? Were you the one who called me that day?” he asked.
I looked up, fl.u.s.tered.
“Do you like me?” Xu Yi asked again.
I took a deep breath and ran past him, to the cla.s.sroom.
I don’t know why, but I felt like I was going to die. My little heart that had been operated on wasn’t carrying a heavy load anymore. I was in a confused state, and a week of cla.s.s pa.s.sed by. Xu Yi came on Sat.u.r.day. I was so sleepy, I didn’t realize he was there at first. I was drinking a cup of instant coffee in the cla.s.sroom, and lifted my cup too quickly. A few drops of coffee fell onto my red, wool scarf. My seat was near the window, and when I looked ahead, I saw Xu Yi. He suddenly extended his hand and, with his finger, motioned for me to come outside. My heart started to throb for some reason. I subconsciously left behind my cup and rushed outside the cla.s.sroom.
He didn’t look at me, and just kept walking ahead. My pace alternated between fast and slow, a bit like an idiot. I didn’t know where he was leading me to. It was a Sat.u.r.day afternoon, and all the teachers were in some ridiculous meeting. What was supposed to be a self-study day became a day off, and there weren’t many people in school. It was another d.a.m.n day of snow, so dusk felt like night. He led me past the playground and lab building. Snow fell onto his short hair and his broad shoulders. My heart was rising and falling in pain. I turned my head to the side and shouted, “Where exactly are you taking me!”
Suddenly, he stopped and turned around. I subconsciously took a step back, my foot going into the thick snow with a light crunch. We were on a small path in the schoolyard. The doors to the bathroom building were closed, the top covered with blue paint. The stairwell to the side was empty. Xu Yi pulled me into there. I was a bit frightened then. We were separated by about two meters of s.p.a.ce. I leaned against the wall, biting my lower lip, and looked at him. He wore a grey coat, with ice crystals and snowflakes on his shoulders. The hair on his forehead was a bit wet. Oh Xu Yi… Once, Bala’s Xu Yi, with the face of an angel. He was still so handsome.
I sadly crouched down. Then I noticed the coffee on my scarf, so I reached out my sleeve to wipe it off.
“I know that you like me.”
“I don’t.”
“Were you the one who wrote me a letter every day?”
“No!”
“Look at me.”
I didn’t dare. I stayed crouching, shaking.
He pulled my up by my left arm, scaring me, so I let out a soft scream.
“Don’t expect me to like you,” Xu Yi said.
“You put on an innocent appearance, but don’t think that I don’t know. You’re part of Bala’s group. You guys haven’t had enough, is that it? If you haven’t, I’ll keep playing with you!”
A boy had never been so mean to me. I couldn’t get away from his grip, and tears started falling.
Xu Yi looked at me, and he seemed very angry. I thought he was going to hit me. I closed my eyes, when I felt him get pushed away. I opened my eyes and saw Youta. With blood-red eyes, Youta blocked Xu Yi. With a gruff voice, he said to me, “Get back to the cla.s.sroom.”
Xu Yi looked at him in surprise.
I turned around and walked back into the snow. There were a lot of ice pieces on the ground, and I was worried that they’d go into my old running shoes. That would be so cold. I really was an idiot. My face was freezing cold. I reached my hand into a pocket inside my jacket and pulled out a tissue. Because my clothes were really thick, it was really hard to pull out. But I was set on pulling it out. So, with this strange posture, I strode past the lab building and the playground, walking into the cla.s.sroom. No one chased after me. Big teardrops rolled down my face, but I didn’t turn back.
When dusk fell, Xu Yi’s mom, my aunt, and my mom were all called to the princ.i.p.al’s office.
When Mom came out, she said one thing to me, “Li Er, you’ve disappointed me.”
She grabbed my clothes and said, “Tell me, how did this happen? How did you get involved with that [girl] bully. You really must want to stop living!”
“Don’t blame her,” Youta came to my defense.
Mom turned her attention to him. “I haven’t scolded you yet. You too, going around fighting with people. It’s time for the college entrance exams. If you get punished because of this, see what will happen.”
When I looked up, I saw Bala. She wasn’t wearing any makeup at all today, and she had on very simple clothes. Standing in front, she looked at me with an expression that’s hard to describe.
As we pa.s.sed by her, I didn’t dare greet her. Just as I was hating myself for my cowardice, Bala called out to me. But she didn’t call me Little Ear. Instead, she said, “Li Er, wait.”
Everyone stopped walking and looked at her warily.
“I know about everything,” she said. “I’m here to prove that none of this has anything to do with you. If there’s a problem, it’s all my, Bala’s, fault.”
“Get lost!” Youta called out fiercely.
“I’ll go,” Bala said coldly. “Just so long as Li Er is okay.”
“Of course she’ll be okay. As long as you stay away from her, she’ll be totally fine!”
“Youta!” I yelled. “Don’t talk to Bala like that!”
“Why not?” he asked. “She hasn’t caused you enough harm yet?”
“Because she’s my friend!” I said. “She’s my good friend, and I won’t let you talk to her that way! Never!”
Youta took a few steps back, angrily. Mom and Aunt’s face both fell open. The world grew still. I couldn’t hear anything else. I just saw Bala’s lips crack into a grin. A dazzling glory shone from her face. She looked at me, eyes shining clearly.
And then I heard Bala say softly, “Little Ear, I really didn’t pick the wrong person.”
The sun this spring seems especially bright. Soft, golden streams flowed down from the green leaves, and the flowers bloomed without a sound. Monday is my least favorite day. I haven’t had a good rest yet, but all the business is going to start up again. I didn’t care for it at all. That day, after morning exercises, I was walking through the playground alone. I thought of going to the canteen to buy some instant coffee, when a strange guy suddenly got in my way. In a panic, he asked me, “Are you Li Er?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Please take this call.” He pulled out a phone from his pant pocket.
“Who’s calling?” I asked.
“Just answer it.” The boy put the phone into my hands. “It’s connecting, hurry and answer it.”
Hesitantly, I held up the phone next to my ear. And then I heard Bala gasping. It was only breathing, but I just felt that it was Bala.
I called out, “Bala!”
“Little Ear, is it you?”
“It’s me, Bala.” My heart felt very anxious, and I couldn’t say anything more.
“Good, [he] found you,” Bala said, hoa.r.s.ely. “I really need to tell you, thank you. Thank you for lending me your umbrella. Thank you for saving me last time. Thank you for helping my apply medicine. Thank you for publicly admitting that you’re my friend. You don’t know how thankful I am to you…”
Bala’s voice was getting weaker. I didn’t know if it was my ear having problems. In my panic, I then heard the phone cut off. From the other end came endless beeping.
The boy reached out his hand and s.n.a.t.c.hed back the phone. He turned around and ran.
I finally came to and started chasing him. I couldn’t catch up to him, and could only see him run into the Year 3-1 cla.s.sroom. I didn’t hesitate to follow him in. But the bell sounded, and the students started flocking into the cla.s.sroom. Their math teacher was standing in the doorway with his lesson plan.
I was also at the door now.
A meddling girl looked through the window and asked me, “Who are you looking for?”
I didn’t speak. My eyes were searching the full cla.s.sroom for that boy. Just then a piece of paper flew out from the cla.s.sroom. It said, “Bala’s in the hospital, something’s happened.”
I’m a bad girl. I think it was that way since the day I was born.
They said I was detestable when I was born, crying for three days and three nights. From morning ’til night, and night ’til morning, without stop. It seemed as if it were a big protest to being born into this world.
Like this:
