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The Left Ear – Chapter 12
Time just pa.s.ses by, but time won’t lie to us. My faith in love made the blood in my heart boil. So, I also smiled at him.
He was a bit taken aback at the smile. Then he finished up his rice and said to me, “Check, let’s go.”
That night, Xu Yi sent me to the female dormitory and made a call.
Not long after, a short-haired girl came down. She greeted Xu Yi, then smiled and grabbed onto my shoulders. “Okay, let’s go.”
I wasn’t used to being so close with a stranger, so I pushed her off.
Xu Yi gave a meaningful smile, then said to the girl, “This is my younger sister. Take care of her.”
The girl smiled and asked him, “How many younger sisters do you have?”
“Just the two of you,” Xu Yi answered.
The girl laughed and said goodbye to him. Then she pulled me upstairs.
In order to avoid having to speak too much to the girl, I quickly went to bed and pretended to be sound asleep. But I heard her introducing me to the other girls, “Handsome Xu’s newest girlfriend.”
They called him Handsome Xu. I recalled the dumb looking boy I saw at his dorm in the morning, and guessed that Xu Yi would be more popular with the girls. What happened next confirmed my guess. The plump girl helped me to pull a blanket, and even told the other girls to be more gentle. A touching feeling crept into my heart, and it made me more tired, so I really fell asleep.
Early in the morning the next day, Xu Yi was already waiting for me downstairs. He was in a new pair of training clothes. A girl pa.s.sed by him and cried out softly.
He said, “I’ll take you to our cafeteria to eat breakfast.”
“No need,” I said. “I’m not hungry.”
“But I am,” he said. “Let’s go.”
I persisted in not going. Then he said helplessly, “Fine, we’ll go out to eat.”
I followed him out, silently leaving the campus. On our way to the bank, he stopped by a bar’s takeout counter and bought a few fried buns. We split them to eat. He pulled out a napkin from his pocket and handed it to me. It was scentless, but of good quality. Books say that boys who carry around napkins are ones with character.
As we walked, he asked me, “Li Er, how do you write your name?”
“w.a.n.g radical with er from ear.”
“Are you good friends with Bala?” he asked.
“Yes, but Bala’s dead,” I said.
“Right.” He glanced at me, “But we’re still alive. We can’t do anything about that.”
“Don’t get hurt again because of her,” I said.
He laughed haha, “It’s cute how silly you are. She’s already dead, what’s there to be hurt about? Moreover, she is her, and I am me. Our relationship ended a long time ago.”
I felt stifled and couldn’t say anything. And like that, we arrived at the bank. I asked him, “How much do you want? Five or six thousand?”
He thought for a moment, “Six.”
And then he added, “Don’t worry, I’ll return it quickly.”
“Oh,” I said.
“Thanks,” he said.
I lifted my eyes to look at him. It took me a lot of courage. He also looked at me, but this made me feel a kind of despair that left me a bit scared. I felt like I was looking at a stranger. And maybe, he never felt that I was familiar at all. I painstakingly insisted to myself, maybe it was just a scary illusion I’d conjured up on my own.
G.o.d, where can I understand what true love means?
Nine days after I helped Xu Yi pay off his debt, I got a phone call. He got right to the point, “Li Er, I still need another two thousand.”
I said, “I don’t have it.”
“Okay,” he said. “Bye.”
I stared at my phone for a long time, then I called him back. He answered very quickly. I finally said, “I’ll send it to you at the weekend.”
“That’s too late,” he said. “I’ll come to your school to pick it up.”
At noon, I went to the bank near my school and withdrew my last 2,000 dollars. I stuffed it into my backpack and waited at the train station exit for Xu Yi. Pairs and pairs of couples pa.s.sed by me. A boy leaned over and lightly kissed his girlfriend on the cheek. I averted my gaze and looked at the ground. There was a very dirty brick. There was some green chewing gum stuck to it. My stomach was very uncomfortable, and I felt as if I was going to faint. That’s when Xu Yi appeared in front of me. He said, “Li Er, your hair’s gotten long. You should cut it.”
Dizzily, I asked him, “Why did you bet with them again?”
“This time wasn’t because of a bet,” he said. “I’m doing some work for a company, so I need to upgrade my computer.”
I lowered my head and opened my bag, pulling out the money and handing it to him. He accepted it and gave his thanks. I said, “No need.” He said, “Then, I’m going. I still have things to finish.”
I said, “Oh.”
He turned around, back to the train. After two steps, he turned back and said, “Li Er, do you have time this weekend?”
I nodded my head.
He said, “Come to the bar then. I don’t have to work on Sunday, but I’ll be hanging out there at night.”
I smiled.
He waved at me, then left.
After Xu Yi left, I decided to skip cla.s.s. I went to a hair salon. The worker greeted me happily, suggesting this and that type of haircut. I cut her short, “I don’t have any money. Just cut it, make it short.”
Maybe because they saw they wouldn’t be able to make money from me, so they sent me to a barber who seemed a bit foolish. He must be an intern. In the mirror, I saw his hands trembling. I tried to calm him, saying, “It’s fine. Just cut it short. The style doesn’t matter.”
After hearing me say that, he smiled at me gratefully. Then he said, “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you like it.”
While I was at the salon, I texted You Ta, “Please lend me 1,000 yuan. I’ll return it to you very quickly.” I’d given all the money my mom left me on the card to Xu Yi. If I don’t figure something out, I’ll starve to death.
(t/n: Please note that I’ve been, and probably will continue to, use dollars and yuan interchangeably. Money is all in RMB; you can look up if you want to see how much it is in local currency.)
You Ta didn’t respond to text, but called right away. He asked, “Li Er, what do you need money for? Aunt didn’t leave you enough money to use?”
While the hairdryer was on noisily in the background, I lied, “That’s not it. I’m buying a new computer, but I’m a little short on the money.”
“Does your mom know? Did she agree to it?”
“If you don’t want to lend it to me, that’s fine.”
He kept asking,” You just started school. Why do you need a computer?”
I said, “I want to write some things.”
“Oh, okay. By the way, how is Shanghai?”
“It’s fine,” I said.
“Okay,” You Ta said. “Send me your card number.”
“Don’t tell my mom,” I said.
“Okay,” You Ta said reluctantly. “But I’m happy you thought of me. Just know, no matter what it is, I’ll always be willing to help.”
“Mm,” I answered, a tug at my heart. “Thank you, I’ll return it to you as soon as possible.”
“Don’t work too hard. Shanghai’s big. If you do any tutoring or something, you might have to go really far. You’re a girl so be careful. Don’t be blind, got it? If there’s anything else, you can tell me.”
I suddenly really wanted to cry. At the same time, I really wanted to know, if You Ta knew why I was borrowing money from him, would he kill me?
I put away my phone into my pocket. The barber straightened my head and turned to the mirror. In the mirror, I saw me, with short hair and big eyes. The front was very neat. I was very happy with my new haircut, so I made a face at the mirror.
That week, I found a job. I helped tidy up books at the library. The person who introduced me to the job was Senior Lin. She was already in Year 3, also in the Chinese department. She often helped out at the library, and since I visited there often, she started to talk to me. She was very nice, spoke with gentle words. She was very neat with her work. She didn’t make people nervous, so I slowly started to like her. Sometimes, when the library was mostly empty, Lin would sit across from me and reach out to touch my forehead. She touched it gently and said, “Li Er, there really aren’t many girls like you who like to read books.”
When Lin and I left the library at 9 PM after cleaning up, we were already so hungry we were going to faint. Lin suggested a place to eat. I declined, saying I had some things at the dorm. Lin looked at me lovingly. I turned around to wave goodbye, and she still stood there, at a distance, looking at me lovingly. Lin didn’t have a boyfriend, so she was lonely on the weekends. Actually, I really did want to eat with her, but I didn’t want her to treat. And I couldn’t afford to treat anyone, so it could only be like this.
I had some biscuits and water when I got back to the dorm. I felt a lot better. The other girls in my dorm room weren’t there. They’d already found things to entertain themselves. I leaned on my bed, struggling with myself. For the whole day, I kept myself very busy, so that I wouldn’t have to face this struggle. He already started a new life. He’d forgotten Bala a long time ago. I should have washed and slept already. I closed my eyes. I didn’t even have to dream again. But I couldn’t do it. Not even three minutes later, I lost to this struggle. I changed into a pair of clean jeans, put on my h.e.l.lo Kitty sweatshirt, and put on my backpack. I opened the dorm door and left.
The October evening on campus was filled with an indescribable scent. It was intoxicating, and I wanted to cry. I carried a depressed mood as I walked down the street. I’d turned into a light piece of paper, unable to be controlled. When I got to the school gate, I saw Lin. She was with a slightly fat, tall boy. I slowed my steps. I saw him try to hold her hand, but she pushed it away gently. I saw her hold back some resistance. I thought I understood. Lin didn’t really like that boy, she was just lonely. She just wanted someone to have a meal with her. But me&h.e.l.lip; Why did I do it? I hurt myself for no reason, and there was no saving me.
The last train for the day whistled away behind me, as I walked up the stairs. Seeing the strange and unfamiliar Shanghai October sky, I don’t know why, but I suddenly thought of setting off fireworks on the roof that night. I was willing to believe that every firework that lit up the sky would never be extinguished. They would eventually ascend to the heavens and become the stars in the sky. But those people who were setting off the fireworks had already scattered into the seas of people, no longer clear where they were headed.
I pushed open the bar doors. It was 10 PM. Compared to the last time I was there, the bar was full and lively. A band was performing. The girl stood on the stage, singing, “Oh&h.e.l.lip; Oh&h.e.l.lip; I look back and forth, but that picture’s the best. You and I, we take pictures until we’ve turned old. If we didn’t seek out trouble, what would we need to grieve over? You and I, did we love just for the fun? Watching the days pa.s.s by, it’s no big deal&h.e.l.lip;”
People’s silhouettes shook back and forth. I looked all around but didn’t see Xu Yi. A waiter pa.s.sed by, and I grabbed onto him. I asked him, “Excuse me, do you see Xu Yi?”
“Xu Yi?” He looked at me, and gave an ambiguous smile. He pointed to a corner, “There!”
I turned that way and finally saw him. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew it was Xu Yi. Xu Yi, whom I cared about deeply. I wanted us to love each other. He was holding a girl close to him. She had on green trousers and a red top. She closed her eyes. Happiness oozed from her smiling face. He was kissing her.
No, I should say, they were kissing each other. Deeply, intoxicated, as if no one else were around.
I went deaf. I couldn’t hear any music. I stood there, and felt something slowly start to break apart. I couldn’t contain the panic and the despair. I told myself, “Li Er, you sought this out yourself. This is what you must bear.”
You deserve it.
&h.e.l.lip;&h.e.l.lip;
“Until the end, you can never give up!”
I had a read a book by Chiung Yao at the library. She wrote of love in such a flowery way. It wasn’t easy for her story to move me, but this one sentence had really gotten to me.
I stood up unsteadily, and Lin eyed me with concern. Then I left the library.
The November weather was a bit cold.
With my head hanging low, I walked along a small, quiet path on campus. I took out my phone and typed out a text, “Love, tell me, what should I do?”
I sent the text to Bala.
Bala Bala.
I closed my eyes.
Bala Bala, my love. If right now, you can see me from heaven, please guide me. Show me that I have to persevere. Give me the courage to keep believing, to keep going until the end. Let me know that we’ll be able to find the happiness we seek.
That night, in my dreams, I returned to 17 years old. I dreamed of that snowy winter day. A tall and thin boy, wearing a large gray coat, leaned in to me. He pointed a finger at me and said, “I’ll never like you.”
I looked at his arrogant face. Hesitatingly, I reached out, wanting to touch it.
This face that was cleaner and whiter than a girl’s, with large and bright eyes. The dream was blurry but also strong enough to shock me. But when I reached out my hand, he turned around and ran.
He ran out the blue doors into the piles of snow, never turning back. I wanted to call out his name, but I suddenly forgot what his name was.
How can I call you back?
In my dream, I slowly dropped to the ground. I tried really hard to remember his name, my head felt like cracking.
Bala, my love. I know that you won’t be able to answer me anymore. You’ve already gone, leaving me here in constant hesitation. Left hand or right? I don’t know if I should reach out or let go. Do you know, I always keep trying to guess what your final words to me were. After many days pa.s.sed, I insisted on believing that you’d told me the secret to unlocking happiness. It wasn’t until today that I have to admit, our happiness is something far away, something hard to come by.
I was tortured for the whole night by this hopeless dreamland. When I woke up, the sky was already bright. The girls in the dorm had already left, and then I realized it was the weekend. I had a missed call from Lin. I washed up quickly and rushed over to the library. Lin was already there waiting for me. She had bought some pancakes and handed them to me.
“You didn’t pick up my call, so I was starting to worry.” Lin looked at me, and said with a blaming tone, “Li Er, you’re a kid who makes people worry.”
I bit off a mouthful of pancake and laughed.
Lin said, “Sometimes I want to transfer your brain into a computer and see what’s inside.”
I continued giggling, and then said, “I want to make money, the more the better.”
She looked at me in surprise, “Why do you already have a financial crisis when school just started?”
With some difficulty, I asked, “Can you not ask?”
She gave me a tolerant and meaningful look. She pulled out a Mizuno planner from her pocket and opened it to reveal more than 30 name cards.
“From Monday to Sat.u.r.day, except during cla.s.s house, I can probably help you contact them. If you’re willing to go out in the evenings, I can help you figure things out until 12 o’clock.
I reached out my hands, greasy from the pancake, and lightly hugged Lin. She cried out and jumped in surprise.
And then Lin really did arrange things and packed my schedule full. I wore running shoes every day so that I could run from the nearest district to school, and I wouldn’t have to take a taxi. I pulled up my hair and tied it up the way Bala used to do. My whole face was revealed, and it wasn’t beautiful to look at, but I didn’t care.
One evening before we slept, the Suzhou girl in the upper bunk asked a question. She asked what the ugliest hairstyle in the world was. And when she finished asking, the other two girls both laughed out loud. Lying in my bed, I also politely laughed along. Then I pat my own hair and said, “Pretty girls, look this way!”
After I spoke, they continued to laugh contentedly. Peacefully and wearily, my eyelids closed and I fell asleep.
You have to know, a good night’s sleep is invaluable to me. The next day, I was refreshed and went to cla.s.s attentively. After my cla.s.ses, I went to buy a fresh cake to deliver to Lin. Lin handed the pile of books in her hands to a boy, and then smiled at me from the desk. The gentle atmosphere in the library reminded me that winter would soon arrive. My hair grew out fast and was already long. It was disorderly and stuck to my neck, leaving me warm. I didn’t want to go to the salon to get it trimmed. When my bangs got long, I’d just use a pair of scissors and a mirror to cut them. Sometimes I did a bad job and the bangs looked really ugly. But I didn’t care. Anyway, my hairstyle was already notoriously poor. Compared to the bright, gorgeous girls in my dorm, I was dim and dark.
Sometimes I could think of him, for no reason. I thought of him suddenly appearing in front of me, with a nice tone, saying, “Li Er, you should cut your hair.”
He wouldn’t show up again, I thought sadly.
Lin was my only friend. When we had free time, we would kill time sitting in the library. During this season, Lin could wear a turtleneck sweater to cover the mark on her neck. The plump boy who liked her would bring her a hamburger and warm milk when she read. He never said anything, just leaving it on the table before going. Lin never touched it, even until it turned cold. Sometimes she would force me to drink the warm milk, saying, “Li Er, you’re too skinny. I’m really worried that the wind will blow you away. You should eat more, and your cheeks will get rosy.”
After hearing that, I brought my hands to my face and rubbed until they were flushed. Then I looked to her and laughed.
It was really comfortable with Lin, and she never asked me questions about my background. Of course, I also didn’t ask too many things about her. Lin’s social skills were much stronger than mind. Sometimes she would drag me to the carnival to work. Or we’d help sell phone cards for the mobile phone company. Or we’d hand out pamphlets at the mall. She always had lots of ways to learn money. I followed behind her, relaxed, comfortable, never having to think too much or stress.
Lin ate the soft cake I bought her. She licked her fingers and said happily, “Let’s go watch a movie tonight. There’s a good movie with Tom Cruise. I’ll treat.”
I said, “I like Andy Lau.”
“Bad taste,” she scolded me.
I laughed. I said that on purpose. Actually, I really liked Tony Leung. Aside from “The Lover,” I’d also seen his other film. He played a man who was forever loyal in love. It made me cry several times and my heart ached. I still remembered, the name of the movie was “Everlasting Regret.” It was adapted from w.a.n.g Anyi. What a genius name. Everlasting sorrow (hate), a moment of pain. Perhaps that was the truth of love.
“What are you thinking of?” Lin waved her hand in front of me.
“I have to go to a student’s home,” I said. “It’s my first time, I have to do a good job.”
Suddenly my phone rang. In the quiet library, I looked at my phone and saw Xu Yi flashing on the screen. Fl.u.s.tered, I quickly turned it off.
It rang again, and I turned if off again.
Then I ran out of the library.
The phone kept ringing relentlessly. Lin followed me out, and brought my coat,” You forgot your clothes.”
“Thanks,” I said.
She looked at my phone. It was still ringing.
“I have to go,” I said hastily. I turned and ran out of Lin’s sights.
That evening, there was a heavy storm. I left the student’s home and took the train back to school. Torrential rain. I didn’t bring my umbrella. If I got back late, the dorm would be closed. I stood in the subway for a moment, then pulled my hood on and ran into the rain. As I approached the school gate, a figure rushed to me and covered my head with an umbrella. It was Lin.
In the heavy rain, she shouted to me, “Why did you turn off your phone?”
I said, “It ran out of batteries.”
She pulled me over to the school as she scolded, “Why didn’t you take a taxi? There’s so much rain!”
“I don’t have money,” I shouted back to her.
“That’s enough!” Lin threw the umbrella to my feet. “Li Er, I hate that you torture yourself like this. Let me tell you. If a girl doesn’t love herself, no one will be willing to love her!”
When she finished saying that, she ran off.
I stood in the rain in a daze for a long time. Then I picked up the umbrella and went into the dorm with heavy steps.
That evening, Lin’s voice rang over and over in my head, “Let me tell you. If a girl doesn’t love herself, no one will be willing to love her!” I tried to struggle (free) ever since those agonizing, spell-like words were spoken out loud, but I couldn’t. It felt like my body had been bound up and was sinking into the deep ocean. I couldn’t breathe.
When I woke up, I realized I was lying in a hospital.
Lin stood at my side, and gently asked, “Dearest, I bought a fresh chestnut cake and some congee. Do you want to eat some?”
“Where am I?”
“The hospital,” Lin said. “You had a 40 degree fever and were saying crazy things. Really scared your roommates. Since they knew I was your only older sister (friend), they called me.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“Don’t say that,” Lin stroked my forehead. “Li Er, I’m sorry. I’ll never leave you alone again.”
I turned my head and tears fell.
“Who’s Bala?” she asked, wiping away my tears.
I looked at her in surprise.
She said, “Last night, you kept calling ‘Bala.'”
I didn’t know how to respond. I’d been living in Bala’s world for a very long time. My youth was tied into hers. Even though she would never come back, but I never thought about leaving this place of hers. I looked at Lin, and then I saw an illusion of Bala. I believed that Bala and Lin were the same. Standing at a place that had nothing to do with (romantic) love, both loving me, liberating me from all my pain.
From that angle, I was very blessed.
“Who’s Xu Yi?” Lin suddenly asked.
I had another scare. Did I also cry out Xu Yi’s name? Then, am I&h.e.l.lip; Oh G.o.d, my G.o.d.
Seeing my nervous state, Lin smiled. She said, “The person called Xu Yi kept calling your phone. So I answered it and told him you were sick. He said he’d come right away.”
My first reaction was to jump up out of bed, but I didn’t have the strength. None at all. Lin held me down, “Li Er, calm down.”
“Lin,” I said. “I don’t want to see him.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded.
“Okay. Then sleep, you need to rest. I’ll take care of him.” She gave me a pat.
I looked at the bright tube of liquid dripping into my body and felt very sleepy. Then, I really fell asleep. When I woke up again, it was the middle of the night. Lin was lying on my bed, sleeping. I smelled a light aroma of lily. Lin was awakened and raised her head up, “Do you need something? Want to eat? Or go to the bathroom?”
I turned to look at the flowers. Lilies. They were really very beautiful in the dark night.
“He came,” Lin said. “He sent the flowers. And he also had me give this to you.”
Lin handed me a thick envelope.
I opened it and it was full of money.
“I counted it already, 3,000. He said he was returning it, so I accepted it,” Lin said.
“Where is he?”
“He said he was busy so he left. He said to call him.”
“Oh,” I said.
Lin giggled, “But really, that kid is really handsome. No wonder you were so restless.”
I pulled out the white piece of paper from inside the envelope. “Thank you.”
Because of those two strange and courteous words, I felt another pang to my heart, something I could neither settle nor express. Even if I used all my body’s strength, he was still a warmth that I would be unable to get close to.
Two days later, I left the hospital. I didn’t call Xu Yi, and he didn’t call me either. My work that night was selling cake at a coffee shop. We sold cakes from 9 to 11 PM. I stood under the tent, advertising to all the pa.s.sersby.
When I’d nearly finished selling the cakes, thunder sounded from the sky. I looked up and started cleaning up the stand.
A voice came, “Sell your remaining cakes to me.”
I lowered my head, about to head off. But he grabbed my arm from behind and turned me around.
My G.o.d, this was a big street. Although I didn’t look up, I knew it was Xu Yi. The person I still couldn’t bear to look at, Xu Yi. He’d come. There was no where to escape to.
He hugged me gently, and with a sigh, “Li Er, it’s strange. I miss you.”
It was that sort of light, kind of a hug, but not quite a hug. The last piece of cake fell from my hand. Maybe because of the cream left on my fingers, there was suddenly a taste of love in the air. So, accepting my fate, I closed my eyes.
After a long time, he let go and said, “Come with me.”
Like a fool, without a word, I followed him. We walked, side by side, on the midnight Shanghai street. This district isn’t really considered bustling. Coupled with coming rain, the streets were already mostly empty. The sound of thunder and wind sounded together. The parasol tree leaves in November were still quite thick, and they whistled in the wind.
At 17 years old, I wished so much to walk side by side with him. I glanced at him from the side and looked at his long and straight nose. In that moment, it felt like the rest of the world didn’t exist.
After we walked a bit, he still didn’t stop and he didn’t seem to be headed anywhere. I stopped and asked, “Where are we going? If it gets any later, I won’t be able to get back into school.”
Xu Yi stopped and looked at me casually. Then he looked up at the sky. He quickly pulled me under a tree, and stared at me with gentle eyes, different from in my dream. Word by word, he said, “Li Er, be my girlfriend!”
That’s when the rain started to fall.
I pushed him away.
He suddenly grabbed my hands and pulled them to his chest, and I couldn’t move. The rain hit my head. I closed my eyes and shook my head crazily, as if I’d been bewitched.
Almost as if he’d also been bewitched, he held onto my tightly so I couldn’t move. He kept saying, “Promise me, promise me, promise me.” I couldn’t stand it anymore. I bent down slightly and bit his shoulder.
He didn’t move, not even a tremble. My hair bun finally fell down, and it must have been drooping uglily. Just as ugly as a newborn octopus.
I cried.
In the end, I still cried. I cried as I kicked him with my old running shoes, the pair from two years ago. The ones I’d run through the snow in. His grip loosened.
“Be my girlfriend,” he said again. But his voice had become very gentle. The hand holding mine finally let go. Clutching my head, I dropped to the ground. I suspected I was dreaming.
I felt hazy, as he carried me on his back and ran back to my school. And again, hazily, I heard him say, “I won’t ever like you.” Hazily, Bala held onto my thin body at the side. Xu Yi was being stepped on by numerous feet. His head was covered in blood. My head was heavy and in pain. Everything, as if I’d been tossed into a boiling pot, started scrolling through my mind.
The world had turned upside down, peace gone.
“Come on, it’s raining too much. Let’s go over there!” he shouted as he pulled me over. He pulled me under the roof of a shop. He helped me wipe off the rain from my body, but it was really no use. We were both already completely soaked.
I was shivering from the cold, and I suddenly wanted to smoke. So I asked him, “Give me a cigarette.”
When my heart was feeling empty, I would think of how Bala looked smoking. She stood on stage singing, then she would come down. She bowed her head, lonely, and would light up a cigarette. The light lit up her face, as if lighting up all the warmth and desire.
Xu Yi asked me, “What did you say?”
“I want to smoke,” I said.
He pulled out a cigarette, it was Yunyan. He lit one for himself, and then another for me. I was trembling and it went out right away. Xu Yi came over to light it again, but I pushed him away. His hand suddenly grabbed onto my fingers. I subconsciously pulled my hand away. He reached over again to hold me. I turned my head. With a cigarette still in his mouth, he stubbornly turned my head back.
I felt like a hypocrite. So in my heart, I sent out a little villain, harshly slapping my own hand.
“Will you listen to me?”
“No.”
“My dad went to jail for corruption.”
“I know.”
“My mom got cancer, she died.”
“I know.”
He roared at me, “You little witch, how much do you know about me? Tell me!”
With despair, I said, “Xu Yi, don’t be like this.” I felt the uselessness of my words. I curled up (from cold) in front of him, unable to say any more.
After Xu Yi calmed himself, he looked up and said, “You’ve always loved me, right? You wouldn’t lie to me, right?”
I still didn’t say anything, just turning my head.
He kept holding my hand, saying, “I went to see you at the hospital. You were lying there in the bed, sleeping. I watched for a very long time, and you seemed very familiar. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen such a familiar face.”
I still turned my head to the side, although it wasn’t attractive or a position that was easy to maintain. But I was touched by his words. I couldn’t keep a hold of my emotions anymore and fell to the temptation to turn my head back. In that moment, Xu Yi’s face was approaching. And then, he bit onto&h.e.l.lip;my&h.e.l.lip;lips.
My heart was beating crazily. I wanted to push him away. Taking advantage of the moment, he grabbed on tightly to my hands and pulled them over his chest.
My lips really hurt then. My cold fingers held onto his warm neck. I wanted to break free, but he kept hold.
Compared to the elegant and quiet youth in my memory, Xu Yi had transformed into a stubborn and selfish man. This was my first kiss, in a strange city, under the eaves, rain falling onto the empty streets. And I gave it to my lovely Xu Yi. As if to complete it, tears flowed down, my heart ever so painful.
Much later, I read a magazine. It said that when a man placed a woman’s hand on his heart before he kissed her, it was true love.
Time just pa.s.ses by, but time won’t lie to us. My faith in love made the blood in my heart boil. So, I also smiled at him.
He was a bit taken aback at the smile. Then he finished up his rice and said to me, “Check, let’s go.”
That night, Xu Yi sent me to the female dormitory and made a call.
Not long after, a short-haired girl came down. She greeted Xu Yi, then smiled and grabbed onto my shoulders. “Okay, let’s go.”
I wasn’t used to being so close with a stranger, so I pushed her off.
Xu Yi gave a meaningful smile, then said to the girl, “This is my younger sister. Take care of her.”
The girl smiled and asked him, “How many younger sisters do you have?”
“Just the two of you,” Xu Yi answered.
The girl laughed and said goodbye to him. Then she pulled me upstairs.
In order to avoid having to speak too much to the girl, I quickly went to bed and pretended to be sound asleep. But I heard her introducing me to the other girls, “Handsome Xu’s newest girlfriend.”
They called him Handsome Xu. I recalled the dumb looking boy I saw at his dorm in the morning, and guessed that Xu Yi would be more popular with the girls. What happened next confirmed my guess. The plump girl helped me to pull a blanket, and even told the other girls to be more gentle. A touching feeling crept into my heart, and it made me more tired, so I really fell asleep.
Early in the morning the next day, Xu Yi was already waiting for me downstairs. He was in a new pair of training clothes. A girl pa.s.sed by him and cried out softly.
He said, “I’ll take you to our cafeteria to eat breakfast.”
“No need,” I said. “I’m not hungry.”
“But I am,” he said. “Let’s go.”
I persisted in not going. Then he said helplessly, “Fine, we’ll go out to eat.”
I followed him out, silently leaving the campus. On our way to the bank, he stopped by a bar’s takeout counter and bought a few fried buns. We split them to eat. He pulled out a napkin from his pocket and handed it to me. It was scentless, but of good quality. Books say that boys who carry around napkins are ones with character.
As we walked, he asked me, “Li Er, how do you write your name?”
“w.a.n.g radical with er from ear.”
“Are you good friends with Bala?” he asked.
“Yes, but Bala’s dead,” I said.
“Right.” He glanced at me, “But we’re still alive. We can’t do anything about that.”
“Don’t get hurt again because of her,” I said.
He laughed haha, “It’s cute how silly you are. She’s already dead, what’s there to be hurt about? Moreover, she is her, and I am me. Our relationship ended a long time ago.”
I felt stifled and couldn’t say anything. And like that, we arrived at the bank. I asked him, “How much do you want? Five or six thousand?”
He thought for a moment, “Six.”
And then he added, “Don’t worry, I’ll return it quickly.”
“Oh,” I said.
“Thanks,” he said.
I lifted my eyes to look at him. It took me a lot of courage. He also looked at me, but this made me feel a kind of despair that left me a bit scared. I felt like I was looking at a stranger. And maybe, he never felt that I was familiar at all. I painstakingly insisted to myself, maybe it was just a scary illusion I’d conjured up on my own.
G.o.d, where can I understand what true love means?
Nine days after I helped Xu Yi pay off his debt, I got a phone call. He got right to the point, “Li Er, I still need another two thousand.”
I said, “I don’t have it.”
“Okay,” he said. “Bye.”
I stared at my phone for a long time, then I called him back. He answered very quickly. I finally said, “I’ll send it to you at the weekend.”
“That’s too late,” he said. “I’ll come to your school to pick it up.”
At noon, I went to the bank near my school and withdrew my last 2,000 dollars. I stuffed it into my backpack and waited at the train station exit for Xu Yi. Pairs and pairs of couples pa.s.sed by me. A boy leaned over and lightly kissed his girlfriend on the cheek. I averted my gaze and looked at the ground. There was a very dirty brick. There was some green chewing gum stuck to it. My stomach was very uncomfortable, and I felt as if I was going to faint. That’s when Xu Yi appeared in front of me. He said, “Li Er, your hair’s gotten long. You should cut it.”
Dizzily, I asked him, “Why did you bet with them again?”
“This time wasn’t because of a bet,” he said. “I’m doing some work for a company, so I need to upgrade my computer.”
I lowered my head and opened my bag, pulling out the money and handing it to him. He accepted it and gave his thanks. I said, “No need.” He said, “Then, I’m going. I still have things to finish.”
I said, “Oh.”
He turned around, back to the train. After two steps, he turned back and said, “Li Er, do you have time this weekend?”
I nodded my head.
He said, “Come to the bar then. I don’t have to work on Sunday, but I’ll be hanging out there at night.”
I smiled.
He waved at me, then left.
After Xu Yi left, I decided to skip cla.s.s. I went to a hair salon. The worker greeted me happily, suggesting this and that type of haircut. I cut her short, “I don’t have any money. Just cut it, make it short.”
Maybe because they saw they wouldn’t be able to make money from me, so they sent me to a barber who seemed a bit foolish. He must be an intern. In the mirror, I saw his hands trembling. I tried to calm him, saying, “It’s fine. Just cut it short. The style doesn’t matter.”
After hearing me say that, he smiled at me gratefully. Then he said, “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you like it.”
While I was at the salon, I texted You Ta, “Please lend me 1,000 yuan. I’ll return it to you very quickly.” I’d given all the money my mom left me on the card to Xu Yi. If I don’t figure something out, I’ll starve to death.
(t/n: Please note that I’ve been, and probably will continue to, use dollars and yuan interchangeably. Money is all in RMB; you can look up if you want to see how much it is in local currency.)
You Ta didn’t respond to text, but called right away. He asked, “Li Er, what do you need money for? Aunt didn’t leave you enough money to use?”
While the hairdryer was on noisily in the background, I lied, “That’s not it. I’m buying a new computer, but I’m a little short on the money.”
“Does your mom know? Did she agree to it?”
“If you don’t want to lend it to me, that’s fine.”
He kept asking,” You just started school. Why do you need a computer?”
I said, “I want to write some things.”
“Oh, okay. By the way, how is Shanghai?”
“It’s fine,” I said.
“Okay,” You Ta said. “Send me your card number.”
“Don’t tell my mom,” I said.
“Okay,” You Ta said reluctantly. “But I’m happy you thought of me. Just know, no matter what it is, I’ll always be willing to help.”
“Mm,” I answered, a tug at my heart. “Thank you, I’ll return it to you as soon as possible.”
“Don’t work too hard. Shanghai’s big. If you do any tutoring or something, you might have to go really far. You’re a girl so be careful. Don’t be blind, got it? If there’s anything else, you can tell me.”
I suddenly really wanted to cry. At the same time, I really wanted to know, if You Ta knew why I was borrowing money from him, would he kill me?
I put away my phone into my pocket. The barber straightened my head and turned to the mirror. In the mirror, I saw me, with short hair and big eyes. The front was very neat. I was very happy with my new haircut, so I made a face at the mirror.
That week, I found a job. I helped tidy up books at the library. The person who introduced me to the job was Senior Lin. She was already in Year 3, also in the Chinese department. She often helped out at the library, and since I visited there often, she started to talk to me. She was very nice, spoke with gentle words. She was very neat with her work. She didn’t make people nervous, so I slowly started to like her. Sometimes, when the library was mostly empty, Lin would sit across from me and reach out to touch my forehead. She touched it gently and said, “Li Er, there really aren’t many girls like you who like to read books.”
When Lin and I left the library at 9 PM after cleaning up, we were already so hungry we were going to faint. Lin suggested a place to eat. I declined, saying I had some things at the dorm. Lin looked at me lovingly. I turned around to wave goodbye, and she still stood there, at a distance, looking at me lovingly. Lin didn’t have a boyfriend, so she was lonely on the weekends. Actually, I really did want to eat with her, but I didn’t want her to treat. And I couldn’t afford to treat anyone, so it could only be like this.
I had some biscuits and water when I got back to the dorm. I felt a lot better. The other girls in my dorm room weren’t there. They’d already found things to entertain themselves. I leaned on my bed, struggling with myself. For the whole day, I kept myself very busy, so that I wouldn’t have to face this struggle. He already started a new life. He’d forgotten Bala a long time ago. I should have washed and slept already. I closed my eyes. I didn’t even have to dream again. But I couldn’t do it. Not even three minutes later, I lost to this struggle. I changed into a pair of clean jeans, put on my h.e.l.lo Kitty sweatshirt, and put on my backpack. I opened the dorm door and left.
The October evening on campus was filled with an indescribable scent. It was intoxicating, and I wanted to cry. I carried a depressed mood as I walked down the street. I’d turned into a light piece of paper, unable to be controlled. When I got to the school gate, I saw Lin. She was with a slightly fat, tall boy. I slowed my steps. I saw him try to hold her hand, but she pushed it away gently. I saw her hold back some resistance. I thought I understood. Lin didn’t really like that boy, she was just lonely. She just wanted someone to have a meal with her. But me&h.e.l.lip; Why did I do it? I hurt myself for no reason, and there was no saving me.
The last train for the day whistled away behind me, as I walked up the stairs. Seeing the strange and unfamiliar Shanghai October sky, I don’t know why, but I suddenly thought of setting off fireworks on the roof that night. I was willing to believe that every firework that lit up the sky would never be extinguished. They would eventually ascend to the heavens and become the stars in the sky. But those people who were setting off the fireworks had already scattered into the seas of people, no longer clear where they were headed.
I pushed open the bar doors. It was 10 PM. Compared to the last time I was there, the bar was full and lively. A band was performing. The girl stood on the stage, singing, “Oh&h.e.l.lip; Oh&h.e.l.lip; I look back and forth, but that picture’s the best. You and I, we take pictures until we’ve turned old. If we didn’t seek out trouble, what would we need to grieve over? You and I, did we love just for the fun? Watching the days pa.s.s by, it’s no big deal&h.e.l.lip;”
People’s silhouettes shook back and forth. I looked all around but didn’t see Xu Yi. A waiter pa.s.sed by, and I grabbed onto him. I asked him, “Excuse me, do you see Xu Yi?”
“Xu Yi?” He looked at me, and gave an ambiguous smile. He pointed to a corner, “There!”
I turned that way and finally saw him. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew it was Xu Yi. Xu Yi, whom I cared about deeply. I wanted us to love each other. He was holding a girl close to him. She had on green trousers and a red top. She closed her eyes. Happiness oozed from her smiling face. He was kissing her.
No, I should say, they were kissing each other. Deeply, intoxicated, as if no one else were around.
I went deaf. I couldn’t hear any music. I stood there, and felt something slowly start to break apart. I couldn’t contain the panic and the despair. I told myself, “Li Er, you sought this out yourself. This is what you must bear.”
You deserve it.
&h.e.l.lip;&h.e.l.lip;
“Until the end, you can never give up!”
I had a read a book by Chiung Yao at the library. She wrote of love in such a flowery way. It wasn’t easy for her story to move me, but this one sentence had really gotten to me.
I stood up unsteadily, and Lin eyed me with concern. Then I left the library.
The November weather was a bit cold.
With my head hanging low, I walked along a small, quiet path on campus. I took out my phone and typed out a text, “Love, tell me, what should I do?”
I sent the text to Bala.
Bala Bala.
I closed my eyes.
Bala Bala, my love. If right now, you can see me from heaven, please guide me. Show me that I have to persevere. Give me the courage to keep believing, to keep going until the end. Let me know that we’ll be able to find the happiness we seek.
That night, in my dreams, I returned to 17 years old. I dreamed of that snowy winter day. A tall and thin boy, wearing a large gray coat, leaned in to me. He pointed a finger at me and said, “I’ll never like you.”
I looked at his arrogant face. Hesitatingly, I reached out, wanting to touch it.
This face that was cleaner and whiter than a girl’s, with large and bright eyes. The dream was blurry but also strong enough to shock me. But when I reached out my hand, he turned around and ran.
He ran out the blue doors into the piles of snow, never turning back. I wanted to call out his name, but I suddenly forgot what his name was.
How can I call you back?
In my dream, I slowly dropped to the ground. I tried really hard to remember his name, my head felt like cracking.
Bala, my love. I know that you won’t be able to answer me anymore. You’ve already gone, leaving me here in constant hesitation. Left hand or right? I don’t know if I should reach out or let go. Do you know, I always keep trying to guess what your final words to me were. After many days pa.s.sed, I insisted on believing that you’d told me the secret to unlocking happiness. It wasn’t until today that I have to admit, our happiness is something far away, something hard to come by.
I was tortured for the whole night by this hopeless dreamland. When I woke up, the sky was already bright. The girls in the dorm had already left, and then I realized it was the weekend. I had a missed call from Lin. I washed up quickly and rushed over to the library. Lin was already there waiting for me. She had bought some pancakes and handed them to me.
“You didn’t pick up my call, so I was starting to worry.” Lin looked at me, and said with a blaming tone, “Li Er, you’re a kid who makes people worry.”
I bit off a mouthful of pancake and laughed.
Lin said, “Sometimes I want to transfer your brain into a computer and see what’s inside.”
I continued giggling, and then said, “I want to make money, the more the better.”
She looked at me in surprise, “Why do you already have a financial crisis when school just started?”
With some difficulty, I asked, “Can you not ask?”
She gave me a tolerant and meaningful look. She pulled out a Mizuno planner from her pocket and opened it to reveal more than 30 name cards.
“From Monday to Sat.u.r.day, except during cla.s.s house, I can probably help you contact them. If you’re willing to go out in the evenings, I can help you figure things out until 12 o’clock.
I reached out my hands, greasy from the pancake, and lightly hugged Lin. She cried out and jumped in surprise.
And then Lin really did arrange things and packed my schedule full. I wore running shoes every day so that I could run from the nearest district to school, and I wouldn’t have to take a taxi. I pulled up my hair and tied it up the way Bala used to do. My whole face was revealed, and it wasn’t beautiful to look at, but I didn’t care.
One evening before we slept, the Suzhou girl in the upper bunk asked a question. She asked what the ugliest hairstyle in the world was. And when she finished asking, the other two girls both laughed out loud. Lying in my bed, I also politely laughed along. Then I pat my own hair and said, “Pretty girls, look this way!”
After I spoke, they continued to laugh contentedly. Peacefully and wearily, my eyelids closed and I fell asleep.
You have to know, a good night’s sleep is invaluable to me. The next day, I was refreshed and went to cla.s.s attentively. After my cla.s.ses, I went to buy a fresh cake to deliver to Lin. Lin handed the pile of books in her hands to a boy, and then smiled at me from the desk. The gentle atmosphere in the library reminded me that winter would soon arrive. My hair grew out fast and was already long. It was disorderly and stuck to my neck, leaving me warm. I didn’t want to go to the salon to get it trimmed. When my bangs got long, I’d just use a pair of scissors and a mirror to cut them. Sometimes I did a bad job and the bangs looked really ugly. But I didn’t care. Anyway, my hairstyle was already notoriously poor. Compared to the bright, gorgeous girls in my dorm, I was dim and dark.
Sometimes I could think of him, for no reason. I thought of him suddenly appearing in front of me, with a nice tone, saying, “Li Er, you should cut your hair.”
He wouldn’t show up again, I thought sadly.
Lin was my only friend. When we had free time, we would kill time sitting in the library. During this season, Lin could wear a turtleneck sweater to cover the mark on her neck. The plump boy who liked her would bring her a hamburger and warm milk when she read. He never said anything, just leaving it on the table before going. Lin never touched it, even until it turned cold. Sometimes she would force me to drink the warm milk, saying, “Li Er, you’re too skinny. I’m really worried that the wind will blow you away. You should eat more, and your cheeks will get rosy.”
After hearing that, I brought my hands to my face and rubbed until they were flushed. Then I looked to her and laughed.
It was really comfortable with Lin, and she never asked me questions about my background. Of course, I also didn’t ask too many things about her. Lin’s social skills were much stronger than mind. Sometimes she would drag me to the carnival to work. Or we’d help sell phone cards for the mobile phone company. Or we’d hand out pamphlets at the mall. She always had lots of ways to learn money. I followed behind her, relaxed, comfortable, never having to think too much or stress.
Lin ate the soft cake I bought her. She licked her fingers and said happily, “Let’s go watch a movie tonight. There’s a good movie with Tom Cruise. I’ll treat.”
I said, “I like Andy Lau.”
“Bad taste,” she scolded me.
I laughed. I said that on purpose. Actually, I really liked Tony Leung. Aside from “The Lover,” I’d also seen his other film. He played a man who was forever loyal in love. It made me cry several times and my heart ached. I still remembered, the name of the movie was “Everlasting Regret.” It was adapted from w.a.n.g Anyi. What a genius name. Everlasting sorrow (hate), a moment of pain. Perhaps that was the truth of love.
“What are you thinking of?” Lin waved her hand in front of me.
“I have to go to a student’s home,” I said. “It’s my first time, I have to do a good job.”
Suddenly my phone rang. In the quiet library, I looked at my phone and saw Xu Yi flashing on the screen. Fl.u.s.tered, I quickly turned it off.
It rang again, and I turned if off again.
Then I ran out of the library.
The phone kept ringing relentlessly. Lin followed me out, and brought my coat,” You forgot your clothes.”
“Thanks,” I said.
She looked at my phone. It was still ringing.
“I have to go,” I said hastily. I turned and ran out of Lin’s sights.
That evening, there was a heavy storm. I left the student’s home and took the train back to school. Torrential rain. I didn’t bring my umbrella. If I got back late, the dorm would be closed. I stood in the subway for a moment, then pulled my hood on and ran into the rain. As I approached the school gate, a figure rushed to me and covered my head with an umbrella. It was Lin.
In the heavy rain, she shouted to me, “Why did you turn off your phone?”
I said, “It ran out of batteries.”
She pulled me over to the school as she scolded, “Why didn’t you take a taxi? There’s so much rain!”
“I don’t have money,” I shouted back to her.
“That’s enough!” Lin threw the umbrella to my feet. “Li Er, I hate that you torture yourself like this. Let me tell you. If a girl doesn’t love herself, no one will be willing to love her!”
When she finished saying that, she ran off.
I stood in the rain in a daze for a long time. Then I picked up the umbrella and went into the dorm with heavy steps.
That evening, Lin’s voice rang over and over in my head, “Let me tell you. If a girl doesn’t love herself, no one will be willing to love her!” I tried to struggle (free) ever since those agonizing, spell-like words were spoken out loud, but I couldn’t. It felt like my body had been bound up and was sinking into the deep ocean. I couldn’t breathe.
When I woke up, I realized I was lying in a hospital.
Lin stood at my side, and gently asked, “Dearest, I bought a fresh chestnut cake and some congee. Do you want to eat some?”
“Where am I?”
“The hospital,” Lin said. “You had a 40 degree fever and were saying crazy things. Really scared your roommates. Since they knew I was your only older sister (friend), they called me.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“Don’t say that,” Lin stroked my forehead. “Li Er, I’m sorry. I’ll never leave you alone again.”
I turned my head and tears fell.
“Who’s Bala?” she asked, wiping away my tears.
I looked at her in surprise.
She said, “Last night, you kept calling ‘Bala.'”
I didn’t know how to respond. I’d been living in Bala’s world for a very long time. My youth was tied into hers. Even though she would never come back, but I never thought about leaving this place of hers. I looked at Lin, and then I saw an illusion of Bala. I believed that Bala and Lin were the same. Standing at a place that had nothing to do with (romantic) love, both loving me, liberating me from all my pain.
From that angle, I was very blessed.
“Who’s Xu Yi?” Lin suddenly asked.
I had another scare. Did I also cry out Xu Yi’s name? Then, am I&h.e.l.lip; Oh G.o.d, my G.o.d.
Seeing my nervous state, Lin smiled. She said, “The person called Xu Yi kept calling your phone. So I answered it and told him you were sick. He said he’d come right away.”
My first reaction was to jump up out of bed, but I didn’t have the strength. None at all. Lin held me down, “Li Er, calm down.”
“Lin,” I said. “I don’t want to see him.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded.
“Okay. Then sleep, you need to rest. I’ll take care of him.” She gave me a pat.
I looked at the bright tube of liquid dripping into my body and felt very sleepy. Then, I really fell asleep. When I woke up again, it was the middle of the night. Lin was lying on my bed, sleeping. I smelled a light aroma of lily. Lin was awakened and raised her head up, “Do you need something? Want to eat? Or go to the bathroom?”
I turned to look at the flowers. Lilies. They were really very beautiful in the dark night.
“He came,” Lin said. “He sent the flowers. And he also had me give this to you.”
Lin handed me a thick envelope.
I opened it and it was full of money.
“I counted it already, 3,000. He said he was returning it, so I accepted it,” Lin said.
“Where is he?”
“He said he was busy so he left. He said to call him.”
“Oh,” I said.
Lin giggled, “But really, that kid is really handsome. No wonder you were so restless.”
I pulled out the white piece of paper from inside the envelope. “Thank you.”
Because of those two strange and courteous words, I felt another pang to my heart, something I could neither settle nor express. Even if I used all my body’s strength, he was still a warmth that I would be unable to get close to.
Two days later, I left the hospital. I didn’t call Xu Yi, and he didn’t call me either. My work that night was selling cake at a coffee shop. We sold cakes from 9 to 11 PM. I stood under the tent, advertising to all the pa.s.sersby.
When I’d nearly finished selling the cakes, thunder sounded from the sky. I looked up and started cleaning up the stand.
A voice came, “Sell your remaining cakes to me.”
I lowered my head, about to head off. But he grabbed my arm from behind and turned me around.
My G.o.d, this was a big street. Although I didn’t look up, I knew it was Xu Yi. The person I still couldn’t bear to look at, Xu Yi. He’d come. There was no where to escape to.
He hugged me gently, and with a sigh, “Li Er, it’s strange. I miss you.”
It was that sort of light, kind of a hug, but not quite a hug. The last piece of cake fell from my hand. Maybe because of the cream left on my fingers, there was suddenly a taste of love in the air. So, accepting my fate, I closed my eyes.
After a long time, he let go and said, “Come with me.”
Like a fool, without a word, I followed him. We walked, side by side, on the midnight Shanghai street. This district isn’t really considered bustling. Coupled with coming rain, the streets were already mostly empty. The sound of thunder and wind sounded together. The parasol tree leaves in November were still quite thick, and they whistled in the wind.
At 17 years old, I wished so much to walk side by side with him. I glanced at him from the side and looked at his long and straight nose. In that moment, it felt like the rest of the world didn’t exist.
After we walked a bit, he still didn’t stop and he didn’t seem to be headed anywhere. I stopped and asked, “Where are we going? If it gets any later, I won’t be able to get back into school.”
Xu Yi stopped and looked at me casually. Then he looked up at the sky. He quickly pulled me under a tree, and stared at me with gentle eyes, different from in my dream. Word by word, he said, “Li Er, be my girlfriend!”
That’s when the rain started to fall.
I pushed him away.
He suddenly grabbed my hands and pulled them to his chest, and I couldn’t move. The rain hit my head. I closed my eyes and shook my head crazily, as if I’d been bewitched.
Almost as if he’d also been bewitched, he held onto my tightly so I couldn’t move. He kept saying, “Promise me, promise me, promise me.” I couldn’t stand it anymore. I bent down slightly and bit his shoulder.
He didn’t move, not even a tremble. My hair bun finally fell down, and it must have been drooping uglily. Just as ugly as a newborn octopus.
I cried.
In the end, I still cried. I cried as I kicked him with my old running shoes, the pair from two years ago. The ones I’d run through the snow in. His grip loosened.
“Be my girlfriend,” he said again. But his voice had become very gentle. The hand holding mine finally let go. Clutching my head, I dropped to the ground. I suspected I was dreaming.
I felt hazy, as he carried me on his back and ran back to my school. And again, hazily, I heard him say, “I won’t ever like you.” Hazily, Bala held onto my thin body at the side. Xu Yi was being stepped on by numerous feet. His head was covered in blood. My head was heavy and in pain. Everything, as if I’d been tossed into a boiling pot, started scrolling through my mind.
The world had turned upside down, peace gone.
“Come on, it’s raining too much. Let’s go over there!” he shouted as he pulled me over. He pulled me under the roof of a shop. He helped me wipe off the rain from my body, but it was really no use. We were both already completely soaked.
I was shivering from the cold, and I suddenly wanted to smoke. So I asked him, “Give me a cigarette.”
When my heart was feeling empty, I would think of how Bala looked smoking. She stood on stage singing, then she would come down. She bowed her head, lonely, and would light up a cigarette. The light lit up her face, as if lighting up all the warmth and desire.
Xu Yi asked me, “What did you say?”
“I want to smoke,” I said.
He pulled out a cigarette, it was Yunyan. He lit one for himself, and then another for me. I was trembling and it went out right away. Xu Yi came over to light it again, but I pushed him away. His hand suddenly grabbed onto my fingers. I subconsciously pulled my hand away. He reached over again to hold me. I turned my head. With a cigarette still in his mouth, he stubbornly turned my head back.
I felt like a hypocrite. So in my heart, I sent out a little villain, harshly slapping my own hand.
“Will you listen to me?”
“No.”
“My dad went to jail for corruption.”
“I know.”
“My mom got cancer, she died.”
“I know.”
He roared at me, “You little witch, how much do you know about me? Tell me!”
With despair, I said, “Xu Yi, don’t be like this.” I felt the uselessness of my words. I curled up (from cold) in front of him, unable to say any more.
After Xu Yi calmed himself, he looked up and said, “You’ve always loved me, right? You wouldn’t lie to me, right?”
I still didn’t say anything, just turning my head.
He kept holding my hand, saying, “I went to see you at the hospital. You were lying there in the bed, sleeping. I watched for a very long time, and you seemed very familiar. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen such a familiar face.”
I still turned my head to the side, although it wasn’t attractive or a position that was easy to maintain. But I was touched by his words. I couldn’t keep a hold of my emotions anymore and fell to the temptation to turn my head back. In that moment, Xu Yi’s face was approaching. And then, he bit onto&h.e.l.lip;my&h.e.l.lip;lips.
My heart was beating crazily. I wanted to push him away. Taking advantage of the moment, he grabbed on tightly to my hands and pulled them over his chest.
My lips really hurt then. My cold fingers held onto his warm neck. I wanted to break free, but he kept hold.
Compared to the elegant and quiet youth in my memory, Xu Yi had transformed into a stubborn and selfish man. This was my first kiss, in a strange city, under the eaves, rain falling onto the empty streets. And I gave it to my lovely Xu Yi. As if to complete it, tears flowed down, my heart ever so painful.
Much later, I read a magazine. It said that when a man placed a woman’s hand on his heart before he kissed her, it was true love.
