The Language Of Sisters Part 10

I dropped into a chair and threw my arm around the room. "This. Being here, taking care of Jenny. Maybe I should just find a place for her as soon as possible and go back home."

"Oh, honey, no. Bringing her here was the right thing to do. You're doing such a wonderful job taking care of her. Better than I ever did." Something hung heavy in her expression, black and unnameable.

I felt a small crack in the hard wall around my heart start to spread. "You took good care of her." I took a deep breath, gathering my courage. "It was Dad who hurt her, not you. Right?" I searched her face, desperate for her to say, Yes, yes, it was him; I should have done something to stop him. That was my sin and I am sorry for it. This is what I regret.

Tears glistened across the surface of her eyes. "I let him, though, didn't I?" She touched Jenny's cheek with the tips of her fingers. "Mommy's sorry, baby. I did the best I could. I wish I'd done better."

A sob climbed up through the muscles in my throat, choking me. "Oh, Mom." I put my hand over my eyes, as if that would hold back the tears.

Jenny moaned lightly, anxiously watching the two of us. Agitation tightening the muscles in her face, she touched her hands together, once, twice. Standing up, I stepped over to her and grabbed them.

"It's okay, Jen. Everything's okay. Mom and I are just having a moment." I smiled hesitantly at my mother. "Right?"

She wiped her eyes and returned my smile. "Right." Then she leaned forward in her chair and took Jenny's hands from mine. "I'm going to try and do better now, okay, honey?" she whispered. "I don't know what's been wrong with me. I promise, I'll do better." She looked at me, her eyes begging for understanding. "Please, give me a chance to do better."

"You already are," I said. I saw her shoulders lift, and I realized that they had been bowed under much of the same guilt I had felt for years. It was then that the crack in the wall around my heart broke open and a huge piece of ache simply crumbled and finally fell away.

After we arrived at Nova's house for the barbecue but before I went outside to join the party, I pulled my friend aside in the kitchen and told her about our morning. Jenny's screams, the horror of how I reacted, what had happened with my mother. "It was like Jenny's fit was a call to action for the mother she used to be. Like that part of her had been sleeping and Jenny's screams woke it up. Then she just broke down. Then I broke down. It was a real mother-daughter moment, you know?"

Nova gave me a firm hug. "I'm glad. So you feel like things are worked out with her?"

I thought of my mother all those years ago, standing in the doorway, watching my father go into Jenny's room. There was still more for us to resolve. "Sort of," I relented. "It was like a crack in the ice. Everything's still kind of frozen between us, but it felt like the beginning of something. A warm front moving through."

"That's great." Nova pulled back and held my face between her hands. "Okay, smile."

I did. "What for?" I asked, my cheeks smashed together by the pressure of her touch.

"You look great, so I didn't want you to ruin it with lipstick teeth."

"Ruin what?"

She rolled her blueberry eyes. "Please. Like you didn't ask me fifty times if Garret was coming today."

"It wasn't fifty!"

"Okay, maybe it was closer to forty-nine. But if you're interested, he asked if you'd be here, too."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He tried to be all sly about it, like it was Lucy who wanted to know if Jenny was going to come, but please. Like I'm stupid. He looks at you the way an alcoholic looks at a cold gla.s.s of beer."

I grinned, plopping down onto the bench by the table. "So I look great, huh?" I had worn a deep amethyst, V-necked blouse and paired it with the least worn pair of jeans I had brought from home. The temperate July air turned my bloodred curls into smooth coils that fell loosely around my face, and I had even taken the time to paint my toenails to match the plum-hued lipstick I wore. I felt guilty as I dressed, knowing who I was preparing myself for, knowing it was not Shane.

"Yes," Nova said. "You look great. Glowing, in fact." She reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a platter overflowing with vegetables: carrots, celery, various brightly colored peppers, and plump green broccoli stalks. She popped a baby carrot into her mouth and crunched it. "Come on, my mom's dying to see you."

We moved into the backyard and onto the sunny deck, where my mother had taken Jenny when we first arrived. She sat by my sister, holding her hand with a slight tentativeness that I was sure only I noticed. With their matching dark hair and heart-shaped faces, the relationship between them was clear. They looked as though they belonged together. My mother said something to Jenny that I couldn't decipher, and my sister smiled. It made my heart sing to see her there, connecting with her daughter in a way I thought she had forgotten. Mama. Jenny's voice rang through my blood with happy relief. She felt the warm front, too.

The children were all busy climbing on the wooden play equipment, slipping through the tunnel slide and racing across the monkey bars. I saw Garret helping Lucy up a small ladder, his back to me. I smiled in spite of myself, then carried my platter of shrimp to a table that was already overloaded with food. A blond man stood next to me, his fingers dug into a bowl full of potato chips. His stocky, muscular frame reminded me of a swimmer's. When he smiled at me, his sky blue eyes twinkled against sun-weathered, copper skin. "You must be Nicole, the long-lost best friend." He popped the chips into his mouth, chewed vigorously, then held up a weathered hand in greeting. "I'm Ryan, Nova's hubby."

"Nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you."

"I'll bet. All good, of course."

"Of course." I jumped suddenly as a pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around my body from behind and hugged me, hard. "Oomph!" I exclaimed, turning my head over my shoulder to see who was accosting me. "Star, you're an amazon woman."

"Strong like ox," she joked, releasing her hold and allowing me to face her. She had barely changed; her blond hair was streaked with a bit of ash, perhaps, but it still hung to the middle of her back, tied with a small strap of leather at her neck. Her face crinkled a bit more when she smiled, but there was no more flesh on her lithe body than ten years before. She wore a silky, royal blue sheath, her arms bare save the stacked bracelets that traveled several inches up from her thin wrists. "How are you, sweet girl? How's your life? What have you been up to down in sunny California?" She exaggerated the state's name: "Californigh-yay."

"Oh, you know, I'm fine. Busy right now, with Jenny, of course." I glanced over to Garret to see if he had noticed my arrival. He hadn't. I took Star's hand and squeezed it. "How are you? How's the jewelry biz? Nova tells me you're about to go national with your line?"

"Yup." She jangled the bracelets on her arms. "These babies are finally going to pay off. Some New York business scout discovered my booth down at the market a few months ago, and suddenly I'm the talk of the jewelry world."

"The market?"

"Pike Place. I've been peddling my wares there for the past five years or so. Decent enough living, but now I'll get to focus on designing and let somebody else sweat the selling."

"That's terrific. I'm so happy for you."

Ryan piped up, his mouth now full of my shrimp. "Nicole, this sauce is amazing. All it needs is a beer to wash it down. Where's that father-in-law of mine?"

As if on cue, Orion emerged from the bas.e.m.e.nt door, amber bottles in hand. It was definitely he and not Star from whom Nova had inherited her plump frame. He was a bear of a man, tall and burly with a bushy head of brown hair and matching woolly beard. He had thickened through the years; his belly hung over his belted khaki shorts in an endearingly grandfatherly fashion. He came directly to stand next to his wife, pinching her rear end after handing a beer to Ryan. "Miss me, woman?"

Star pinched his rear in reb.u.t.tal. "A little. Maybe you should go away again so I can be sure."

"Ha!" he exclaimed, taking a swig from his drink. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, bottle still between his fingers. "Nicole Hunter! A little bird told me we might see you here today."

"Hey, Orion." I hugged him, feeling in his arms what I always wished I had felt in my own father's: love, acceptance, safety. He smelled faintly of patchouli oil and, if I wasn't mistaken, the heavy whisper of marijuana. "My mom's here, too. With Jenny." I motioned my head in the direction of my family members, and both of the Carsons moved over to talk with them. Nova came up to stand next to me, Layla over one shoulder, cooing softly.

"Hey, sweetie." I kissed at the infant, my finger gently stroking the amazingly soft skin of her chubby arm. Again, I experienced a stab of unexpected want. I did not know what to do with it. "How are you today? I've missed you!"

"Little b.u.g.g.e.r was up all night nursing like a fiend. I should have named her Hoover. Could you hold her for a while?" Nova handed the baby carefully to my arms. "I've got to get the chicken ready for the grill. Ryan?" She poked her husband in the ribs.

"Uh!" He chewed vigorously, then swallowed, sliding over to put a thick arm around his wife's shoulders. "What do you need, baby cakes?" He kissed her firmly on the lips. "Um-um-um, I have missed you!"

Nova laughed, a light, happy sound. "Me, too, monkey-man. Now, help me get the grill ready."

"Yes, ma'am!" He lightly smacked her on the lips again. The two walked to the other side of the deck, playfully touching as they walked. I sighed longingly, the heavenly scent of their younger daughter filling my senses as I breathed. I found a comfortable lounge chair in the shade of the white-limbed birch tree that grew in the back corner of their yard and settled there with Layla resting against my up-drawn legs, her head supported by my knees. She looked up at me with a wondrous gaze, slightly distracted, seemingly fascinated with the shapes of my face and the dappled sunlight dancing across my skin.

I wondered what Jenny's baby would see when she came into this world. Would she have the alert, sparkling, and curious eyes that Layla did? Would her cheeks dimple when she smiled? Would she recognize me the way Layla seemed to each time I held her close? Would she have any idea who I was? "Can you see me, baby girl?" I asked her. "What do you see with those little blue eyes of yours?"

"She sees everything," a voice said, and I looked up against the sun to see Garret's silhouette standing before me. He motioned to the chair next to me. "May I?"

"Of course." I took him in out of the corner of my eye. He was wearing blue-checked shorts with a white T-shirt and Keds with no socks. His dark hair was a scattered mess around his head, and his skin bore the rosy glow of an active day spent in the sun. He reached his fingers to brush across Layla's perfect cheek.

"I think they see everything, don't you?" he asked. "Their eyes are so wise, like they know every secret you've ever kept. Even the ones you keep from yourself."

I nodded. "Jenny's like that, too. When she looks at you, you feel like you've just stepped behind an X-ray machine."

"Naked, inside and out, huh?"

"Exactly. It's a little unnerving sometimes." So is he, I thought.

"I'll bet." He paused. "How is she doing?"

"Good. I saw the baby jump in her belly today."

"Isn't that cool?"

"And kind of scary. It's pretty odd to think of an entire human body moving around inside her. A body that's going to come out." I shuddered.

Garret chuckled. "Jackie was freaked out by the whole thing, too."

I backpedaled, not wanting to be anything like the woman who left him. "I'm not freaked out, exactly. It's more like amazement that it's possible, you know? More like awe."

Garret threw a glance over to where Jenny sat, now surrounded by children. With my mother's help, Lucy had managed to climb into my sister's lap and was softly resting her ear on Jenny's belly. "It's definitely amazing. Is she going to be able to have a natural labor?"

"I'm not sure. Her doctor isn't sure whether Jenny'll have a natural urge to push." I shrugged. "And even if she does, we don't know whether she's got the ability to make her body do what it needs to do to get the baby out."

"What's going to happen to the baby, once it's out?" He stopped himself, held up his hands. "I'm sorry. That's a pretty personal question."

"No, it's okay. I don't mind. I'm still not sure. I was supposed to call Social Services weeks ago, but-"

"Why?" he interrupted, then grimaced. "Yikes. Never mind. More personal than before."

I smiled, touched his hand with my own. I felt his skin's warmth travel through my body until it rested in my lower belly, a spot normally reserved for Shane. Fl.u.s.tered, I pulled away, reflexively, as though I had touched a flame. "Really, it's okay. I need to talk about it. You've got as good a pair of ears as anyone's."

He screwed up his face at me. "Gee, thanks."

I laughed. "What I mean is, I like talking with you." I paused. "Is that okay?"

"What, that you talk to me or that you like it?"

I socked him playfully on the shoulder, careful not to upset the now-sleeping Layla. "Oh, boy, here we go. More teasing."

"You're living with someone," he said. The light in his eyes suddenly dimmed, and his tone became serious. "I don't want to be the cause of any more complications in your life. I've got Lucy to think about."

I eased back, resting Layla over my left shoulder. Nova had told me the other day that women instinctively place their babies over their hearts so the child can feel the remembered rhythm of the womb. And in that moment, I wanted it. I wanted to be a mother.

I stared up through the sparkling coin leaves of the birch. A small breeze brushed at my hair. "I know. I appreciate that. But honestly, I don't know what exactly is going on with Shane right now. We're barely communicating. Everything feels strange since I've been here." I turned my head toward Garret, and he held my gaze with his. He was listening to me with such intent that I went on, sharing more than I typically felt comfortable revealing. "I feel like my life in San Francisco isn't real, you know? Like my job, my relationships, all belong to someone else. It's Jenny and her baby who are real. Nova, her kids, our friendship." I paused and looked down to my lap, fearful of what I wanted to say but going ahead and doing it anyway. "Meeting you is real."

"I know what you mean." The tips of his fingers touched my hand with the same gentle caress he had used on Layla's cheek, and this time when the fire found my belly I didn't pull away. "I guess that's why I'm concerned. I like the looks of the road, but I don't want to travel down it if it goes off a cliff. I'm too old for that." His tone held a hint of bitterness, and I wondered whether he'd worked through his feelings about Jackie's leaving.

"How about we just take it a step at a time, then?" I suggested. "Just a couple of new friends taking a stroll?"

He grinned. "We can turn around anytime, right? Part ways if need be?"

"Of course."

Lucy chose this moment to tear across the yard to her father and jump in his lap. "Daddy!"

He kissed her neck until she squealed. "What is it, sweetie?"

"I sat on Jenny's lap. Did you see me?" Her dark cap of hair swished excitedly around her face.

"Yes, honey. How is she?"

"She's all right," Lucy said with the measure of a sage beyond her years. "Her baby is jumpy inside her. She likes it."

I shook my head, looked at Garret inquiringly as if to ask, "Did you tell her?"

He shook his dark head back at me and shrugged. "Lucy, how did you know Jenny has a baby inside her?"

"I just did." She granted me a full-watt smile. "Daddy wants to take you and Jenny to the park next week for a picnic. He makes good sandwiches. Do you want to come?"

Garret ruffled her curls. "You beat me to it, peanut." He smiled at me. "I was going to ask you later, after you'd had a few."

"Figured your chances might be better if I was liquored up?"

He actually blushed. "Now who's the tease?"

"We'd love to," I said, Shane's image popping up in my mind. I blinked to erase it. "Just tell me what I should bring."

"Jenny wants to feed the ducks with me!" Lucy exclaimed as she jumped up and down in the air in front of my sister's wheelchair. "Daddy, can I have the bread crumbs to feed the ducks? I want to feed the ducks!" She wore a lime green shorts set with b.u.t.tons shaped like strawberries on her shirt. The outfit caught the green in her hazel eyes like a fly in a web.

"Okay, okay, peanut. Settle down." Garret handed her a plastic bag full of stale bread pieces that we had picked up at his restaurant before heading over to Lincoln Park. "Here, you need to put your shoes back on."

"No, I'm fine." Lucy wiggled her bare corn-kernel-shaped toes in the gra.s.s.

Garret made his expression stern. "Lucy, listen to Daddy. If you're going to walk by the pond, you need to have your shoes on. Do you want duck p.o.o.pies all over your feet?"

"Ewww! No!"

"Okay, then. Give me your feet so I can put your shoes on."

Amused, I watched this exchange between father and daughter from the comfort of my shady spot on our picnic blanket. Spending time with Nova and her kids had made me much more comfortable with the previously unknown and overwhelming world of toddlers. I'd figured out that they were simply little versions of grown people; they only wanted their needs heard and respected. Garret seemed to understand this about his daughter perfectly.

The pond was only a few feet away from us, so I felt comfortable when Garret carefully rolled Jenny's chair to a spot near the water. He checked to make sure that the brakes were set securely on the wheels and that Jenny's wide-brimmed straw hat was adequately shading her pale skin from the bright glare of the early-afternoon sun. Lucy solemnly set a handful of crumbs on Jenny's lap. "Here are your bread crumbs, Jenny, and here are mine." She held up the bag for Jenny to see. "I will share more with you, if you want, but only when yours are all gone."

Garret plopped gratefully back next to me on the blanket, then called out to his daughter. "Stay away from the edge, okay?"

"Okay, Daddy!" She took a deliberately large step backward and turned to see if Garret approved.

"That's great, peanut."

"She is such a good kid," I remarked, sipping at the remainder of my iced tea. "Does she ever disobey you?"