The Ladies' Guide to True Politeness and Perfect Manners Part 9

It is ungenerous and most unjustifiable to bribe the servants to neglect other boarders, (whose place is near yours,) for the purpose of their bestowing on you a double share of attention. It is taking an undue advantage, which in the end will come out badly.

All persons who go to hotels are not able to lavish large and frequent gratuities on the servants. But all, for the price they pay to the proprietor, are ent.i.tled to an ample share of attention from the domestics.

It is very mean and unlady-like to gossip secretly with the servants, and question them about any of the other guests. Still worse, to repeat what they tell you, and give _them_ as authority. Treat them always with kindness and civility, but have no confidential and familiar intercourse with them. To those you know, it is but common civility to bid good morning every day. Coloured people you may always gratify by saying a few words to them, now and then, in pa.s.sing. They value this little kindness, and will not presume upon it like those from "the old country," who, if treated familiarly, will frequently take liberties, and lose all respect for you. Elderly coloured people, (particularly in the South,) like much to be called "aunt" or "uncle;" and it degrades no white lady to please them by doing so.

In all hotels, it is against the rule to take out of the ladies'

drawing-room any books that may be placed there for the general convenience of the company, such as dictionaries, guide-books, directories, magazines, &c. If you borrow a file of newspapers from the reading-room, get done with them as soon as you can, lest they should be wanted there by the gentlemen; and as soon as you have finished, ring for a servant to carry them back.

Be careful, in cold weather, always to shut the parlour-doors after you. If you think the room too warm, do not throw open either door or window, without first enquiring if it will cause inconvenience to any one present. It is a good practice to carry a pocket fan even in winter, in case you should chance to feel the heat more sensibly than any other lady in the room. If the heat of the grate causes you inconvenience, enquire if there is any objection to having the blower brought in and stood up before it. If not, ring the bell and order it.

If you have an anthracite fire in your chamber, and wish to extinguish it on retiring for the night, take the tongs, and lifting off some of the largest coals from the top, lay them beneath the grate. Then, with the shut-tongs or the poker, make a deep hollow in the centre of the fire; raking it into two hills, one on each side, leaving a valley down in the middle. It will begin to blacken immediately, and go out in a few minutes. If you cannot do this yourself, ring for a servant.

This is _the only way_ to put out an anthracite fire, whether in a grate or a stove.--There is no other. Try it.

FOOTNOTES:

[12] A whisperer usually betrays herself by unconsciously fixing her eyes on the person she is secretly talking of. If you wish to inform your neighbour that a distinguished person is present say softly, "Mr.

C. is here, but do not look at him just now."

[13] It is, however, customary in eating sweet potatoes of a large size, to break them in two, and taking a piece in your hand, to pierce down to the bottom with your fork, and then mix in some b.u.t.ter, continuing to hold it thus while eating it.

CHAPTER XII.

SHIP-BOARD.

There are few places where the looks and manners of the company are more minutely scanned than on ship-board; and few where the agreeability of a lady will be more highly appreciated. There is little or no variety of objects to attract attention. The pa.s.sengers are brought so closely into contact with each other, and confined to so small a neighbourhood, or rather so many neighbours are crowded into so small a s.p.a.ce, that all their sayings and doings are noticed with unusual attention, by those who are well enough to regard any thing but themselves. Sea-sickness is a very selfish malady,--and no wonder that it is so. Fortunately it is less prevalent than formerly, thanks to the improvements in cabin-room, ventilation, lodging, food, and many other things connected with ocean-travelling. A lady who is not of a bilious or dyspeptic habit, and who has taken precautionary medicine a few days before commencing the voyage, frequently escapes sea-sickness altogether; or at least gets well after the first day or two.

It is best not to be over-officious in offering your aid to the sick ladies, unless they are your intimate friends. The stewardess of a packet-ship is generally all-sufficient; and much more capable of attending to their wants than you can be. Sea-sickness renders its victims very querulous; and few like to be continually reminded of their condition by enquiries too often repeated of--"How do you find yourself now?" "Do you feel any better?" or, "Do you think you could not eat something?" To one very much prostrated by the effects of the sea-motion, the mere replying to these questions is an additional misery. Whatever sympathy you may feel, at the time, for those afflicted with the marine malady, remember that it is a disorder which never kills, but very frequently cures.

If you are sick yourself, say as little about it as possible. And never allude to it at table, where you will receive little sympathy, and perhaps render yourself disgusting to all who hear you. At no time talk about it to gentlemen. Many foolish common-place sayings are uttered by ladies who attempt to describe the horrors of sea-sickness. For instance this--"I felt all the time as if I wished somebody to take me up, and throw me overboard." This is untrue--no human being ever really _did_ prefer drowning to sea-sickness.

When the ship is actually in danger, this malady is always frightened away; the feelings of the mind entirely overpowering those of the body.

Try to avoid supposing that every fresh gale is a violent storm; but confide in the excellence of the ship, and the skill of its navigators.

Yet, though not afraid yourself, remember that others may be so, and do not try to show your courage by indulging in undue gayety. Mirth is out of place when the sky is overcast with gloom, the wind blowing hard, and the waves "running mountains high," and foaming and roaring all round the vessel.

If there is truly a violent tempest, and if the danger is real and imminent, trust to that Almighty Power who is with you always,--on the sea, and on the land; and silently and fervently implore his protection.

No captain likes to be teazed with importunities concerning the probable length of the pa.s.sage. You may be sure he will do all he can to make it as short as possible. In rough weather, refrain from asking, whenever you see him, "If there is any danger?" If there really is, he will certainly let you know it in time.

Endeavour to live harmoniously with your fellow-pa.s.sengers. Avoid such national allusions as may give offence to the foreigners. If you find that any of them are in the frequent practice of sneering at your own country, or speaking of it disrespectfully, repress your resentment, resort to no recrimination, but refrain from further conversation with that individual, and leave him to the gentlemen. If a female foreigner is in the habit of gratuitously abusing America, endeavour calmly to convince her that her ideas of your country are erroneous. If she will not be convinced, (as is most likely, if she is an _ungenteel_ Englishwoman,) give up the attempt, and leave her to herself. If you have a taste for the ridiculous, you will regard her prejudices and the expression of them only as objects of amus.e.m.e.nt.

Avoid all arguments with a woman of irritable disposition, lest you are drawn in yourself to defend your opinion too warmly. You will soon find whether or not you can convince her, or whether she is likely to convince you. And it is worse than useless for both to continue protracting the argument, when they know that the opinion of neither will be shaken. Also, it is foolish to keep on repeating the same ideas, with no change but in a few of the words.

Long and turbulent discussions are peculiarly annoying on ship-board, particularly in rainy weather, when for the weary and pent-up audience, "there's no door to creep out."

It is certainly advisable for every lady on ship-board to endeavour to make herself as agreeable as she can, and not to suppose that all her "whims and oddities" will be excused because she is suffering "the pains and penalties" of the sea, and is therefore not "a responsible being."

If free from sickness, a lady may propose or promote many pleasant little amus.e.m.e.nts and occupations; such as playing children's games on deck, or taking a part in chess, chequers, and backgammon in the cabin.

Ladies sometimes form a regular little coterie, for a.s.sembling at certain hours, and employing themselves in knitting, bead-work, light-sewing, &c. while a gentleman reads aloud to them in some entertaining book. In the evening, vocal concerts will be an agreeable variety, as there are always some persons on board who can sing. And when the weather is fine, and the ship steadily laying her course, a moonlight dance on deck is delightful.

A young lady should improve the opportunity of learning the names of the princ.i.p.al parts of the ship. It is a silly boast at the end of the voyage, (and yet we have heard such boasts,) to say that you do not know the fore-mast from the main-mast; and that you have no idea where the mizen-mast is, much less the bow-sprit. And even if a fair damsel should be able to distinguish the fore-topsail from the jib, and to know even the flying-jib, and have learnt the difference between the compa.s.s and the quadrant, and the log-line and the lead-line, we opine that "the gentlemen" will think none the worse of her; to say nothing of the satisfaction it will afford herself to listen with some comprehension to talk concerning the ship, and to read understandingly a few of the numerous excellent novels that treat of "life on the ocean wave."

If you have, unfortunately, the rude and unamiable habit of laughing whenever you see any one get a fall, leave it off when on ship-board,--where falls are of continual occurrence from the rolling of the vessel, and the steepness of the stairs. We never could tell why a fall, even on the ice, should be regarded as a subject of mirth, when the chance is that it may produce a serious hurt, and is always attended with some pain or some annoyance at least. Low-bred women always say they cannot help laughing at such sights. We think _ladies_ ought always to help it, and hasten at once to the relief of the sufferer, to ascertain if they are hurt.

Be washed and dressed _neatly_ every day. This can generally be managed with the a.s.sistance of the female servants--even if you _are_ sick.

A piano never sounds well on ship-board--the cabins are too small, and the ceilings too low. To the sick and nervous, (and all who are sea-sick become _very_ nervous,) this instrument is peculiarly annoying.

Therefore be kind enough to spare them the annoyance. You can practise when the weather is fine; and the invalids are on deck. Pianos have been abolished in many of the finest ships. Such instruments as can be carried on deck, and played in the open air, are, on the contrary, very delightful at sea, when in the hands of good performers--particularly on a moonlight evening.

In going to England, take with you no American reprints of English books, unless you intend leaving them on board the ship. If you attempt to land them, they will be seized at the custom-house. American books by American authors are _not_ prohibited.

Make no attempt to smuggle any thing. You may be detected and disgraced.

The risk is too great, and the advantage too little.

When you leave your state-room to sit in the ladies' cabin, do not fall to relating the particulars of your sickness, or complaining of the smallness of your apartment, the rolling of the ship, or the roughness of the waves. These inconveniences are unavoidable, and must always be expected in a sea-voyage; and talking about them too much seems to magnify their evils.

If there is any deficiency in accommodations or attentions, either try as well as you can to do without them, or in a kind and considerate manner endeavour to obtain them of the servants, if not too inconvenient, or against the ship's regulations.

It is very inconsiderate to have things cooked at luncheon time purposely for yourself. Ladies who are quite well will sometimes order baked apples, stewed prunes, b.u.t.tered toast, arrow-root, cups of tea or coffee, &c.,--notwithstanding that the lunch-table is always profusely spread with a variety of cold articles; and that when dinner is cooking at the same time, the small size of the kitchen renders any extra preparations very inconvenient to the preparers.

CHAPTER XIII.

LETTERS.

The practice of enclosing letters in envelopes is now universal; particularly as when the letter is single no additional postage is charged for the cover. The postage now is in almost every instance pre-paid, it being but three cents when paid by the writer, and five if left to the receiver. Therefore, none but very poor or very mean people send unpaid letters. Letter-stamps for the United States post should be kept in a little box on your writing-table. You can get them always by sending to the post-office--from a dollar's worth or more, down to fifty or twenty-five cents' worth, at a time. In a second box, keep stamps for the city or penny post, which transmits notes from one part of the town to another. And in a third, stamps to go on the covers of newspapers.

Sealing with wax is found to be very insecure for letters that are carried by steamers into warm climates--the wax melting with the heat, and sticking the letters to each other, so that they cannot be separated without tearing. Wafers are better.

It would be very convenient to use the post-office stamp as a seal, but the clerks in that establishment charge extra postage for the trouble of turning the letter to mark the stamp. This subjects the receiver to the payment of two additional cents.

In writing upon business exclusively your own, for instance to make a request, to ask for information, to pet.i.tion for a favour, or to solicit an autograph, it is but right not only to pay the postage of your own letter, but to enclose a stamp for the answer. This is always done by really polite and considerate people. You have no right, when the benefit is entirely your own, to cause any extra expense to the receiver of the letter--not even the cost of three cents to pay the postage back again. It is enough to tax their time by requiring them to write to you and send off the reply. Also, in corresponding with a relative, or very intimate friend, to whom even a small expense is of more importance than to yourself, you may enclose a stamp for the answer. Do so always in writing to poor people. Be careful not to allow yourself to get entirely out of post-office stamps. Replenish your stock in time. If the gum on the back seems too weak, go over it afresh with that excellent cement, "Perpetual Paste." Embossed or bordered envelopes are not often used except in notes of ceremony--or when the acquaintance is slight. The same with ornamented note-paper. Intimate friends and relatives use paper that is handsome, but plain. Letters of business are generally enclosed in yellow or buff-coloured envelopes. Some of these yellow envelopes are large enough to contain a folio sheet when folded. Notes _not_ to be sent by post, are usually sealed with wax--the seal very small. But a _small_ wafer is admissible--a white one looks best for a note. In folding your note or letter, see that it is not too large to go into the envelope. It is customary to write the direction on the envelope only. Nevertheless, if the letter is to go a long distance by post, the envelope may be worn off, or torn off accidentally, or get so damaged in the letter-bag as to be rendered illegible. The surest and safest way is to put the address on the letter also; or if the sheet is full, to find a corner for the direction, either at the beginning or end.

We have seen no _good_ letter-paper at less price than twenty-five cents per quire; and for that it ought to be _very_ good. If of lower cost, you may find it soft and fuzzy, so that the pen will not move freely, (the nib wearing out directly,) or so thin that you cannot write on both sides of the sheet. In paper, as in most other things, the best is the cheapest. If the tint is bluish, the writing will not be so legible as on a pure white. The surface should be smooth and glossy. For letter writing _ruled_ paper is rarely used, except by children. In writing for the press, no other is so convenient. A page of ruled lines to slip beneath, is indispensable to those who cannot otherwise write straight.

They are to be had for a few cents at every stationer's. It is well to get three different sizes. If you write a small hand, the lines should be closer together than if your writing is large. If you are addressing a friend and have much to say, and expect to fill the sheet, begin very near the top of the first page. But if your letter is to be a short one, commence lower down, several inches from the top. If a _very_ short letter of only a few lines, begin but a little above the middle of the page. Crossing a letter all over with transverse lines is obsolete. It is intolerable to read, and there is no excuse for it now, when postage is so low, and every body pays their own.

Write the date near the right-hand side of the first page, and place it about two lines higher than the two or three words of greeting or accosting with which letters usually commence. Begin the first sentence a little below those words, and farther toward the right than the lines that are to follow. It is well in dating _every_ letter to give always your exact residence--that is, not only the town you live in, but the number and street. If your correspondent has had _but one_ notification of your present place of abode, she may have forgotten the number, and even the street. Your letter containing it may not be at hand as a reference, and the answer may, in consequence, be misdirected--or directed in so vague a manner that it will never reach you. We have known much inconvenience (and indeed loss) ensue from not specifying with the date of _each_ letter the exact dwelling-place of the writer.

But if it is _always_ indicated at the top of _every one_, a reference to _any_ one of your letters will furnish your proper address. If you are in the country, where there are no streets or numbered houses, give the name of the estate and that of the nearest post-town; also the county and state. All this will occupy a long line, but you will find the advantage. If your letter fills more than one sheet, number each page. Should you have no envelope, leave, on the inside of the third page, two blank s.p.a.ces where the seal is to come. These s.p.a.ces should be left rather too large than too small. Lest you should tear the letter in _breaking_ it open, it is best to _cut_ round the seal. We have seen letters that were actually illegible from the paleness of the ink. If you write from your own house this is inexcusable, as you ought always to be _well_ supplied with that indispensable article; and in a city you can easily send to a stationer's and buy it. It is still better to make it yourself; than which nothing is more easy. The following receipt _we know, by experience, to be superlative_. Try it.

Buy at a druggist's four ounces of the best blue Aleppo nut-galls; half an ounce of green copperas; and half an ounce of clean, white gum-arabic. These three articles must be pulverized in a mortar. Put them into a large, clean, white-ware pitcher, and pour on a quart of boiling water. Stir the whole with a stick that will reach to the bottom, and set the pitcher in a warm place; covering it lightly with a folded newspaper. In about an hour, stir it again very hard; and repeat the stirring several times during the day. Let it remain in the pitcher several days, or a week, till it becomes an excellent black; the blackening will be accelerated by keeping the pitcher in the sun; for instance, in a sunny balcony. Stir it, down to the bottom, two or three times a day--always with a stick. Use nothing of metal in making this ink. When it is very black, and writes well, pour it off carefully from the bottom, (which must have rested undisturbed for two or three hours previous,) pa.s.sing it through a funnel into pint-bottles. Before you cork them, put into each a large tea-spoonful of brandy, to prevent moulding, or a few drops of lavender. A small tea-spoonful of cloves, (slightly broken,) placed in the bottom of each bottle, before the ink is poured in, will answer the same purpose. Scouring the pitcher with soap and sand, after throwing away the dregs of the ink, will completely clear off the stains.

Ink-stands should be washed out, before they are filled anew.