The Jest Book Part 94

DR. CADOGAN was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical against it; "but," he added, "I have escaped, for no one complains of me."--"That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was present, "unless you know what people _say in the other world_."

MDCXCVI.--A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.

A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the difference between _exportation_ and _transportation_. "Why, my dear,"

he replied, "if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, _you_ would be _exported_, and _I_ should be _transported_!"

MDCXCVII.--DOUBLE SIGHT.

A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. "You have lost," says the first; "I can see the _two_ eyes in your face, and you can see only _one_ in mine."

MDCXCVIII.--WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.

SHERIDAN was once asked by a gentleman: "How is it that your name has not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt ill.u.s.trious."--"No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an O than our family; for, in truth, we _owe_ everybody."

MDCXCIX.--A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.

SAID Bl.u.s.ter to Whimple, "You juvenile fool, Get out of my way, do you hear?"

Said Whimple, "A fool did you say? by that rule I'm much _in your way_ as I fear."

MDCC.--A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.

THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself!

"Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but said, "_he was engaged with him elsewhere_."

MDCCI.--A ROYAL JEST.

A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance; and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church, "Rather for the _steeple_," replied the royal humorist.

MDCCII.--EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was married to a gamester, replied, "that _cards and brimstone_ made the best matches."

MDCCIII.--A JOKE FROM THE NORTH.

THE reigning _bore_ at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his favorite subject the _North Pole_. One day the arch tormentor met Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole.

Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him, exclaiming, "Hang the North Pole!" Sydney Smith met Mr. L---- shortly after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's contempt of the North Pole. "O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, "never mind; no one minds what Jeffrey says, you know; he is a privileged person,--he respects nothing, absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the _Equator_."

MDCCIV.--MULTIPLYING ONE.

SYDNEY SMITH once said: "I remember entering a room with gla.s.s all round it at the French emba.s.sy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I took it for a _meeting of the clergy_, and was delighted of course."

MDCCV.--AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRAM.

WHEN Julia was asked, if to church she would go, The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no."

At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess, For from grammar I learned _No_ and _No_ stood for _Yes_.

MDCCVI.--THE RULING Pa.s.sION.

A LADY'S beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist rubbing her temples with Hungary water, _as it would make her hair gray_!

MDCCVII.--INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.

A PRISONER, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning, was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will _not digest_."

MDCCVIII.--SELF-INTEREST.

THOSE who wish to tax anything containing _intelligence_, must be actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they are not likely to feel _the burden_.

MDCCIX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

A GLASGOW professor met a poor student pa.s.sing along one of the courts, and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "_It will be long enough before I get another_," answered the student. The reply tickled the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed laughter after pa.s.sing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he answered, _it will be a long time before I get another_."--"Well, there's nothing very funny in that."--"Neither there is," said the professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have been something in _the way he said it_."

MDCCX.--FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.

WHEN Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several times _all over grease_!"--"They may tell you what they please above or below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover in my life!"--"Nay, now, that must be a _fib_," says Foote, "for I have myself seen you at _Spithead_!" The next day (October 21, 1777) the exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."

MDCCXI.--_L'Envoy_.

THERE is so much genuine humor in the following jocular DINNER CODE, that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.

DINNER CODE.

_Of the Amphitryon.--His Rights._

Art. 1.--The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as long as the meal, and ends with it.

Art. 2.--It is lawful for his gla.s.s to exceed in capacity those of his guests.

Art. 3.--He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two, which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.

_His Duties._