The Jest Book Part 91

MDCx.x.xVIII.--A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.

ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade in the country. "Why, do you _bury_ your attorneys here?" asked Foote.

"Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"--"O, we never do that in London."--"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage, then?"--"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the morning he is gone."--"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement; "what becomes of him?"--"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know is, there's _a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning_."

MDCx.x.xIX.--THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.

A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are always making observations upon _my nose_; perhaps you think it was made at the _expense_ of yours."

MDCXL.--A YOKSHIRE BULL.

A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy _sight_ it would be!"

MDCXLI.--A ONE-SIDED JOKE.

A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear _rouge_. "I can give you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for _one_ cheek."

MDCXLII.--TWO CURES FOR AGUE.

BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had occasion to call the attention of the Ess.e.x inc.u.mbents to the necessity of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were, after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known preservatives against ague; the one is, a _good deal of care_ and a _little port wine_; the other, a _little care_ and a _good deal of port wine_. I prefer the former; but if any of the clergy prefer the _latter_, it is at all events a remedy which _inc.u.mbents_ can afford better than _curates_."

MDCXLIII.--A QUESTION OF DESCENT.

A YORKSHIRE n.o.bleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?"--"And, perhaps," retorted the st.u.r.dy Saxon, "they _found mine here_ when they comed."

MDCXLIV.--PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.

A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to send the young laird abroad."--"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will no the world see _him_?"

MDCXLV.--A RULE OF PRACTICE.

IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for himself without a _fee_, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of one pocket and put it _into the other_.

MDCXLVI.--WITS AGREEING.

WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a _pert_ young fellow asked him what he would give to be as _young_ as he. "I would be content," cried Foote, "to be as _foolish_." Jerrold made a similar reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick.

"Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your stomach."

MDCXLVII.--LITERARY PASTIME.

ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I _can't_ make him."--"Nay, Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done more; instead of one pig, you have made a _litter_."

MDCXLVIII.--A FREE TRANSLATION.

MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"--"No, my lord," said Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors _change_ Manners.'"

MDCXLIX.--AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.

A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently thought you better than _nun_."

MDCL.--RECIPROCAL ACTION.

A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is _too short_, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."

MDCLI.--ACRES AND WISEACRES.

A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed property."--"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a _wise-acre_?"

MDCLII.--AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.

TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their expenses, agreed the one to _board_, and the other to _lodge_.

MDCLIII.--A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.

CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the elephant did not secure _an inside_ place."--"He was too late, my friend," replied Canning; "he was detained _packing up his trunk_."

MDCLIV.--COOL AS A CUc.u.mBER.

SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the Duke of c.u.mberland, in restraining the d.u.c.h.ess from rushing up to the embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly _cold_ it was,"

said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you know he is the, Duke of _Cu-c.u.m-ber-land_."

MDCLV.--AN AMPLE APOLOGY.

A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong, for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, _I found it there_."

MDCLVI.--FUNERAL INVITATION.

SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master _sends his compliments_ to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."

MDCLVII.--A SUPERFLUOUS Sc.r.a.pER.