The Jest Book Part 89

THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee Only in this, that you both painted be.

MDC.--ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.

A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the s.p.a.ces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O, ma'am, because such _very fat people used to go through_" (a reply concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish it can have no perception of real wit").

MDCI.--THE SUN IN HIS EYE.

LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the t.i.the Corporation Act was pa.s.sed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett _cannot see_ the imperfections in the t.i.the Corporation Act!"--"Pooh! pooh!" said Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has _the sun (son) in his eye_."

MDCII.--A BRIGHT REJOINDER.

AN Englishman paying an Irish s...o...b..ack with rudeness, the "dirty urchin" said, "My honey, all the _polish_ you have is upon your boots and I gave you that."

MDCIII.--WELL TURNED.

ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court, on the ground that he was _cabinet-making_. The chancellor maliciously disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a _turner_ or a _joiner_."

MDCIV.--A QUICK LIE.

A CONCEITED c.o.xcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."--"By my word," said Pat, "an' yer honor's a _gintleman_!"

MDCV.--A MERRY THOUGHT.

THEY cannot be complete in aught Who are not humorously p.r.o.ne; A man without a merry thought Can hardly have a funny bone.

MDCVI.--AN IMPUDENT WIT.

HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,--_are you anybody in particular_?" Before the astonished magnifico could collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query, Hook had pa.s.sed on.

MDCVII.--WEARING AWAY.

A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: "I am like a _hone_, I sharpen a number of _blades_, but I wear myself in doing it."

MDCVIII.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "_At which end_, my lord?"

MDCIX.--A BASE JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the _lowest_ of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the _foundation_ of all wit."

MDCX.--A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.

LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed, "Even now, in these perils, the n.o.ble lord is asleep!"--"I wish _I was_," suddenly interposed the weary minister.

MDCXI.--ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.

BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred, How high his honor holds his haughty head!

MDCXII.--NOT FINDING HIMSELF.

"HOW do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as he met him going in dinner costume to the city. "Thank you," he replied, "the Lord Mayor _finds me_ to-day."

MDCXIII.--A WITTY PROPOSITION.

SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business.

Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman _move_ that I may take the _chair_?"

MDCXIV.--A WARM MAN.

A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied that he kept a _hot-house_.

MDCXV.--LONG AGO.

A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time,"

he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had _no tongue_."--"Yes," said the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very _very long_ since!"

MDCXVI.--AN UNLIKELY RESULT.

WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him "suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied, "a.s.sure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but whensoever so I do, _then thrust me out of your doors_."

MDCXVII.--POLITICAL LOGIC.

IF two decided negatives will make Together one affirmative, let's take P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue _per se_, Who by this rule an honest pair will be.

MDCXVIII.--A WISE DECISION.

A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he came near the place, "Who can swim?"--"I, master," said forty bawling mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"--"Then you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least _take care of me for your own sake_."