The Jest Book Part 83

MCDLx.x.xVIII.--A DEAR BARGAIN.

QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I am?"--"By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be _almost as foolish_!"

MCDLx.x.xIX.--SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.

LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the "_Maid and the Magpie_" exceedingly natural. "I really am no _judge_," answered his lordship, "I was never _innocent_ of stealing a spoon."

MCDXC.--NO INTRUSION.

A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about his piece to Sheridan, said, "Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your attention."--"Not at all, I a.s.sure you," replied he, "I was thinking of _something else_."

MCDXCI.--EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.

A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of _experimental_ and _natural_ philosophy, said he considered the _first_ to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the _second_ his refusing to do it.

MCDXCII.--NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.

A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his disgraceful situation, and the _anxiety_ of a debtor being urged by them in very strong expressions: "Ah!" said he, "that may be the case with a person who _thinks_ of paying."

MCDXCIII.--ODD HUMOR.

WHEN Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to Lord Holland, who said: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my room. If I am _alive_, I shall be glad to see him; if I am _dead_, I am sure that he will be delighted to see me."

MCDXCIV.--A TICKLISH OPENING.

HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord,"--and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes) exclaimed, "_Tickle him yourself_, Harry; you are as able to do so as I am."

MCDXCV.--THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.

HOOD suggests that the phrase "_republic_ of letters" was. .h.i.t upon to insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not got a _sovereign_ amongst them.

MCDXCVI.--AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.

A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead.

"But," says the other, "you find the report false."--"'Tis hard to determine," he replied, "for the man that told me was one whose word I would _sooner take than yours_."

MCDXCVII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.

A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in an arbor. "What!" says the master, "asleep, you idle dog, you are not worthy that the sun should shine on you."--"I am truly sensible of my unworthiness," answered the man, "and therefore I laid myself down in the _shade_."

MCDXCVIII.--AN ILLEGAL INDORs.e.m.e.nT.

CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on some cla.s.sical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in a towering pa.s.sion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, "_but don't indorse my sins upon their backs_."

MCDXCIX.--A PLUMPER.

A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said, "He would certainly carry the election, _for he had n.o.body's voice against him but his own_."

MD.--A PAINFUL EXAMINATION.

IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the questions was, "Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate returned the following laconic answer: "An _exemption_ from _Payne_."

MDI.--BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.

A QUAKER (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for relaxation, makes a _business_ of his _pleasure_.

MDII.--INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.

A FRIEND, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquired "if such were the case?"--"I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as you have just been _tolled_."

MDIII.--A WALKING STICK.

AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that the stick could never have walked off with itself."--"Certainly not, sir, unless it was a _walking-stick_."

MDIV.--CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE.

IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience.

The following anecdote is told in ill.u.s.tration: A late n.o.bleman was walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent, who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had enjoyed his support. "Put me down for what you please," peevishly exclaimed the Duke; "but don't _keep me in the cold_."

MDV.--A REASON FOR BELIEF.

"DO you believe in the apostolical succession?" inquired one of Sydney Smith. "I do," he replied: "and my faith in that dogma dates from the moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ----, _who is so like Judas_."

MDVI.--OPENLY.

NO, Varus hates a thing that's base; I own, indeed, he's got a knack Of flattering people to their face, But scorns to do 't behind their back.

MDVII.--PAINTED CHARMS.