The Jest Book Part 77

A PERSON deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. "I owe money and cannot pay it," said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. "Can't you leave all the _uneasiness_ to your creditors?" replied the other. "Is it not enough that one should be sorry for what _neither of you can help_?"

MCCCLXXV.--ERUDITE.

A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called _Perchance_. "A singular name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find it?"--"O," drawled she, "it was named from Byron's dog. You remember where he says, '_Perchance_ my dog will howl.'"

MCCCLXXVI.--VERY EASY.

ON the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, "We must, however, mortify ourselves _a little_."--"Well," replied the other, "let us make our _servants fast_."

MCCCLXXVII.--A WINNER AT CARDS.

A GENTLEMAN riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered, "To a _card-maker_."--"Upon my life," he replied, "one would imagine all that man's _cards_ must have been _trumps_."

MCCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

THE charity of Closefist give to fame, He has at last _subscribed_--how much?--_his name_.

MCCCLXXIX.--AN INCONVENIENT BREAK DOWN.

THE play of "King Lear" being performed at Reading, the representative of _Glo'ster_ was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as the scene where _Glo'ster had his eyes put out_, when he came to a stand still, and was obliged to beg permission to _read_ the rest of the part.

MCCCLx.x.x.--SMALL TALK.

FUSELI had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the "bald disjointed chat" of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one another about the weather, and other topics of as interesting a nature, he suddenly exclaimed, "_We had pork for dinner to-day_."--"Dear me! Mr.

Fuseli, what an odd remark."--"Why, it is _as good_ as anything you have been saying for _the last hour_."

MCCCLx.x.xI.--RATHER FEROCIOUS.

AS Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was interrupted by little Major Scott. "Am I," said he, indignantly, "to be teased by the barking of this _jackal_ while I am attacking the royal _tiger_ of Bengal?"

MCCCLx.x.xII.--ONLY FOR LIFE.

A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said with scorn, "What are you? your t.i.tle and revenues are only for your life," answered by asking, "And for how _many lives_ does your Grace hold yours?"

MCCCLx.x.xIII.--AN OUTLINE.

WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, he did not know, but they had sent "the _outline of an amba.s.sador_."

MCCCLx.x.xIV.--ON SIR WALTER SCOTT'S POEM OF WATERLOO.

ON Waterloo's ensanguined plain, Full many a gallant man lies slain; But none, by bullet or by shot, Fell half so flat as Walter Scott.

MCCCLx.x.xV.--UGLY TRADES.

THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.--D.J.

MCCCLx.x.xVI.--A GOOD CHARACTER.

AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed _afraid_ of work. "O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently _lie down_ and fall asleep by the very _side of it_."

MCCCLx.x.xVII.--SENSIBILITY.

A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed when any noise was made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, "I wish, with all my heart, sir, your _cough_ was better."

MCCCLx.x.xVIII.--PATIENCE.

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit down in an ante-room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke, happened to lie in the window; and his Grace, on entering, found the Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the commentary. "In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not think much of it; but there is so much _propriety_ in putting a volume upon _patience_ in the room where every visitor has to wait for your Grace, that _here_ it must be considered as one of the _best books in the world_."

MCCCLx.x.xIX.--WHAT'S MY THOUGHT LIKE?

_Quest._ WHY is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh?

_Ans._ Because it is a slender thing of wood, That up and down its awkward arm doth sway, And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away, In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!

MCCCXC.--NOT GIVING HIMSELF "AIRS."

ARCHDEACON PALEY was in very high spirits when he was presented to his first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just after this event, and during the entertainment called out jocosely, "Waiter, shut down that window at the back of my chair, and open another behind some _curate_."

MCCCXCI.--A BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER.

"SIR," said a barber to an attorney who was pa.s.sing his door, "will you tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, p.r.o.nouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll send your lad to my office, I'll return the _three and four-pence_."

MCCCXCII.--A MAN OF METAL.

EDWIN JAMES, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He answered, "A dealer in old iron."--"Then," said the counsel, "you must of course be a thief."--"I don't see," replied the witness, "why a dealer in _iron_ must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in _bra.s.s_."

MCCCXCIII.--SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC.

"BE less prolix," says Grill. I like advice.