The Jest Book Part 70

MCCXLVI.--QUITE AT EASE.

FOOTE, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him; but feeling rather shy, he merely said, "Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is hanging out of your pocket." Foote, looking suspiciously round, and hurriedly thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket, replied, "Thank you, my lord: you know _the company_ better than I do."

MCCXLVII.--CHARLES, DUKE OF NORFOLK.

IN cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree, that he rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort.

Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself.

Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, that he was a martyr to rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every remedy for its relief, "Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever _try a clean shirt_?"

MCCXLVIII.--CLEARING EMIGRANTS.

AN Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at something more than a dollar a bottle. Whenever this old gentleman saw his sons so engaged he used to exclaim, "Ah, my boys! there goes an acre of land, _trees and all_."

MCCXLIX.--PARLIAMENTARY CASE.

BISHOP ANDREWS, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall, was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale, Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said to the prelates: "My lords, cannot I take my subjects' _money_ when I want it, without all this formality in Parliament?" Bishop Neale quickly replied, "G.o.d forbid, sir, but you should: you are the breath of our nostrils." On which the king said to the Bishop of Winchester, "Well, my lord, and what say you?"--"Sir,"

replied Andrews, "I have no skill to judge of Parliamentary cases."--"Come, come," answered his Majesty, "no put-offs, my lord; answer me presently."--"Then, sir," said Andrews, "I think it lawful for you to take my _brother Neale's money_, for he offers it."

MCCL.--OUTLINE OF AN AMBa.s.sADOR.

WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked whether the French government had sent the _preliminaries_ of a treaty, answered, "he did not know, but they had sent _the outline of an amba.s.sador_."

MCCLI.--NATURE AND ART.

A WORTHY English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye caught up the names of its--to him--unknown dishes: "Soupe a la flamande"--"Soupe a la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquee"--"Pieds de Cochon a la Ste. Menehould"--"Pates de sanglier"--"Pates a la gelee de volailles"--"Les cannelons de creme glacee." It was too much for his simple heart. Laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"

MCCLII.--A COMPARISON.

IT is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,--the less they have in them, the _more noise_ they make in pouring it out.

MCCLIII.--THE SNUFF-BOX.

AT a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather difficult to open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife to the lid. Poor Brummell was on thorns; at last he could not contain himself any longer, and, addressing the host, said, with his characteristic quaintness, "Will you be good enough to tell your friend that my snuff-box is _not an oyster_."

MCCLIV.--NOT SICK ENOUGH FOR THAT.

LORD PLUNKET is said to have acutely felt his forced resignation of the Irish Chancellorship, and his _supersedeas_ by Lord Campbell. A violent tempest arose on the day of the latter's expected arrival, and a friend remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the pa.s.sage must have made the new comer; "Yes," replied the ex-chancellor, ruefully, "but it won't make him _throw up the seals_."

MCCLV.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.

ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers who came on board his ship for instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic and humorous: "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_ approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a _good fire_."

MCCLVI.--GETTING A LIVING.

THE late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the same time a young curate, calling out "Lie still, your Grace"; leaped over him, and pursued his sport. On being a.s.sisted to remount by his attendants, the duke said, "That young man shall have the first good living that falls to my disposal; had he _stopped_ to have taken care of me, I never would have patronized him," being delighted with an ardor similar to his own, or with a spirit that would _not stoop to flatter_.

MCCLVII.--GOOD EYES.

A MAN of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, "I love to _see_ her talk."

MCCLVIII.--INDIFFERENCE TO LIFE.

A SOLDIER, who was being led to the gallows, saw a crowd of people running on before. "Don't be in such a hurry," said he to them. "I can a.s.sure you nothing will be done _without me_."

MCCLIX.--A LAST RESOURCE.

VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to avoid the ruin. "Live as I do, my lord," said Sir John.

"That I can do," answered the duke, "when _I am ruined_."

MCCLX.--A DULL MAN.

LORD BYRON knew a dull man who lived on a _bon mot_ of Moore's for a week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that the reciter was _guiltless_ of understanding its point; but he could get no one to accept the bet.

MCCLXI.--WHITE TEETH.

PROFESSOR SAUNDERSON, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, was _quite blind_. Happening to make one in a large party, he remarked of a lady, who had just left the room, that she had very _white teeth_.

The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was very true. "I have reason," observed the professor, "to believe that the lady is not a _fool_, and I can think of no other motive for her laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour together."

MCCLXII.--A PLEASANT PARTNER.

A FARMER having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn, and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so useless a way, adding, "You had better do _something_ with it, as you see I have done."--"As to that, neighbor," replied the other, "every man has a right to do what he will with his own, and _you_ have done so; but I have made up my mind about my part of the property,--I shall set it on fire."

MCCLXIII.--TWO CARRIAGES.

TWO ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. "You are to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a coach."--"Very true, miss," said the other, "and _you_ are to consider that he likewise keeps a _dray_."

MCCLXIV.--EXCUSABLE FEAR.

A HUSBAND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by a friend that he "was afraid of his wife."--"It is not _she_ I am afraid of," replied the husband, "it is _the noise_."